Friday, November 26, 2010

usurp the drama queen: period

usurp the drama queen:

drama; a word that in my younger life evoked images of stage productions and movie stars, now is forever marred by the maxed out emotions of petty people. with the rate at which people complain about it you would think that drama was an unavoidable predator, who lurks in the shadows waiting to pounce on kind-hearted individuals.

upon first meeting new friends i pay close attention to their word choices. if the phrase, "i hate drama" tumbles out of their mouth (or the less true statement of "i'm totally drama-free") i'm sure to take note. not because i think i've stumbled across the one person who has no issues whatsoever in life but because they are probably full of shit and live for dramatic encounters.

i don't generally like to base my theories off of the assumption that people are liars but some of the most troublesome, disruptive personalities i've met also claimed to hate drama. therefore, my theory is rooted in truth (even if that truth is little more than my life experiences).

it would come as a shock to no one to learn that there is a portion of people who not only enjoy drama but seem thrive within its grasp. these people are commonly referred to as drama queens. they aren't always as attractive as mean girls would have us believe (something tells me i could have handled high school with a lot more grace where it lindsay lohan and her massive mammaries telling me i was a freak of nature but that's neither here nor there) my mother always told me to avoid these types of folks and keep my guard up around them. being the asshole child i was, i refused to believe any lesson that i hadn't learned in the most challenging way possible. i chose to try and tame the beast.

my thinking had always been if there are folks out there who do nothing but stir up drama, then it's possible for the exact opposite to exist. i learned very quickly that it was too idealistic of me to believe that one person could put out all the fires another had set.

negativity can sometimes spread faster than positivity. when negative vibes begin move around in hateful actions and gossip people start to feed off of it. to a certain extent we begin to enable each other, we tell each other it's ok to be nasty.

why? why would we encourage each other to be bitches and assholes? who's idea was it to think that being disrespectful, condescending, or in any way that you yourself would not like done to you, was any way to treat any woman (or anyone in the LGBT community or anyone ANYWHERE)? staying with just women however, i don't think its right to support our friends hurting other people, no matter who that is. jaded, hurt, alone, angry- we've all been there, but why inflict that on another person? why keep that cycle going? that goes against every grain of my being…i, for one, am standing up-

if you gain anything from this piece, i hope it is this- we are meant to lift each other up, never tear each other down. everyone is someone else; every body has different essence and soul; we are all worthy of both giving and receiving respect. in order for you to become the unicorn who storms the castle to usurp the drama queen and end her rude reign of tyranny you must be the period. someone has to end the cycle of drama. even if your period is scratched out by a later editor who continues to add more crap as a run-on sentence to whom which doesn't make sense but you have to end it sometime; a period always has to come.

unless there is an ellipse… you see, i've yet to find a person who truly leads a "drama-free life". the nature of life is that its unpredictable and at times tumultuous. we've been trained to think that all drama is bad- that it is something to be feared or hated or used as a way to gain power, but that's not true. drama can be (and is) a very beautiful, essential part of life. my only sister; my best friend. my body with bigger boobs and more interesting tattoos, is getting married in a few weeks. a freshly rattled snow globe would best describe the flurry of drama that has surrounded this one day. it's crazy to me but in an inexplicable way. i love her so much and i love them together, i wouldn't trade this drama for anything.

good, bad, essential or otherwise drama happens. we are all on this short ride together, doesn't it just feel right to help over hurt? everyone has lead a life up until the point you met them..we all are equals. drama queens around the world (and i do mean actual queens in some cases)? be wary, for someone somewhere read my message. that sour, slithering, saucy sentence you've been spitting? it's going to end…
soon…know why?
i'm on my period-

Monday, November 8, 2010

optical illusions

optical illusions
what you see isn't what you get

not a single soul sees the world exactly as i see it. i'm not special, or unique, or on a lot of hallucinogenic drugs...i'm just blind without some sort of corrective lenses. when strangers pluck the glasses off my face and slip them in front of their eyes squeals of, "oh my god- you weren't kidding! i feel like i'm on drugs!" are often heard.

unfortunately for me, i'm blind enough to wear comically thick glasses but not blind enough to own a seeing eye dog...
nor am i actually blind enough to legally classify myself as "blind" (a fact found out when i attempted to apply for a scholarship for the visually impaired in high school and was promptly denied on account of the fact that i can see.)

being acutely aware of my visual shortcomings, i became intrigued early in life with differences in perception. where my eyes failed, my mind filled in the blanks. that spawned a lifelong fascination with optical illusions. the first time i saw the work of m.c. escher my worldview expanded. it was as if he opened the door and gave me permission to see what wasn't apparent outright. in his work what is- isn't...a staircase that leads to more of the same? hands drawing themselves? triangles that transform birds?

the mind is a gnarled, unexplainable labyrinth that houses an endless array of possibilities and paths. we are so quick to limit ourselves to believing in only the tangible, the sensible, and the rational that we forget how beautiful the unreal can be.

not a single soul sees the world exactly as i see it. i'm not special, or unique, or on a lot of hallucinogenic drugs...i'm just open to the beauty of life's optical illusions.

Friday, November 5, 2010

lost and found lesbifriend

lost and found lesbifriend
don't call it a comeback

lesbifriends was born out of a particularly challenging time in my life. directionless, emotionally drained, and just plain lost; my blog began as an escape from my mind. by focusing on other thoughts; by writing about positive things; by simply having an outlet- i found a great deal of peace. through this recent depressive lull in my life however, i no longer found that peace post after post.

my blog is a reflection of who i am. i turn to it to unload, to connect and ultimately find some sanity. while i don't like being explicitly personal on my blog, i do make it a point to always speak honestly of my feelings. this stems from my firm belief that were we all honest with our emotions, we'd find we are all a lot more alike than not (and as an awkward, unique, string bean of a lady- that is a very comforting thought.)

shutting down emotionally is not uncommon for me but to stop writing...well, that was a new one.

i didn't lose my passion for writing- i was still filling up journals and scribbling notes everywhere but nothing expressed all i truly wanted to unleash. i didn't want to turn my blog into what my head had become... something with a nasty, negative, mean voice. the only way i could do this while still posting new material was to censor myself. in doing that i was also shutting down my lone outlet.

it was only natural for me to want to write out my frustrations but having a life that is entwined with so many- i felt it would quickly become a gossip blog or a forum to bash situations that i found fucked up. i wanted to allow my feelings to flow out. i wanted to call people out on terrible actions. i wanted to let people know that my social silence wasn't indicative of my complacency but rather was my attempt to 'rise above'. i wanted to tell the world how alone and betrayed i was. try as i might, 'posting through the pain' for the past few months didn't bring me much comfort. i was still sad and not writing about ALL that was swirling around in my head.

it was my father's voice from long ago that finally brought me the stillness i so desperately needed. in elementary school, i remember working on my math homework with him one night. the problem had to do with fractions and it was not clicking in my little head. i'd been working on it for what seemed like hours and was still at a complete standstill. i became increasingly more agitated until i finally broke down in tears and demanded he tell me the answer. he didn't... he never would give me the answers... but he did tell me that i needed to take a step back- breathe for a moment- then approach the problem with fresh eyes.

i never did figure out the answer to the question (fuck fractions) but i did carry his message with me from then on. meditation, self-reflection and a fresh world view can make all the difference. after a dark and difficult summer, my days are sunny once again. does that mean life is a double rainbow (all the way)? certainly not. but i have 'refreshed my home-screen' if you will, and i'm looking at life through new, bright, hopeful eyes.

it feels good to be back my lesbi-friends.