a tough realization
everything, everyone
when i was in a relationship it was understood that my time was mostly monopolized by another. my friends cut me a certain slack when it came to social engagements. but now that i reside in singledom it seems that that slack is no longer cut in my favor. it seems as of late my friends reactions are a bit more gruff when it comes to my declining party invitations or not being able to go out all the time.
in all honesty, i know where this is coming from. i haven't exactly jumped head first into single life. if anything, as i have left the realm of relationships i've thrown myself into my work. i don't necessarily feel bad about that but i do sit before you with an unmeasurable amount of guilt on my shoulders.
i feel bad. i feel like i can't be the friend everyone wants me to be. i feel like i can be a great friend to several people and i do just that. but i want to be the best friend that i can be to absolutely everyone i come in contact with- no matter how brief or minor our encounter. i don't want to compromise that facet of myself for anyone or anything.
yet i realize that i need to delegate my time more appropriately. i feel selfish and guilty and bad all the time because of brief yet mildly flippant text messages; because of facebook wall posts of discontentment. in actuality they are of little consequence, most of the weight they carry comes from my own mind...but i'm still upset. i feel bad.
how can i be the best person i can be to everybody when i'm focusing on myself, my work, and things i find important?
am i wrong for putting my work over my social life?
will i somewhere down the road kick a younger me and say, "good lord girl- why didn't you just focus on the moment and being happy- just enjoying yourself?"
now i'm not saying that i don't enjoy my work because i most definitely do. i'm very pleased with how i'm spending my time. i hope that someday it will all pay off. someday i'll look back at this time and say, "yah- it was tough but i'm glad you stuck it out old girl."
is it possible i'm wasting my todays waiting for somedays?
to all of those who i'm not the most present friend right now- forgive me. know that i want nothing more than to be the greatest friend, the most supportive person in your world and i'm sorry that i can't give you all all of that right now. i'm sorry if there is never a day that i can be everything to everyone.
...that's a tough realization.
:) i love it too.. chica
ReplyDeleteI don't think someone can be everything to anyone...and it's not fair for people to expect it
ReplyDeleteI tried being all for Today. That made me feel like I missed out.
Then I tried living for Tomorrow. That made me feel like I missed out.
The trick is to strive for balance.
You probably won't find it.
But thats okay.
Don't bend to peer pressure of any kind..you are not responsible for other people's happiness...
ReplyDeleteTo thine on self be true!
I mean ..
ReplyDeleteTo thine OWN self be true...
so...i'm curious. your friends don't respect your need/want for alone time? everyone needs it, but lots don't utilize it. don't change who you are and don't feel bad about anything. you know what makes you comfortable and happy. stick with it.
ReplyDelete@hipstercrite- they do and don't. i feel a lot of those who know me on an intimate level know that i am not the type of person who can be around people all the time- i require personal space.
ReplyDeletethe others, who see me out and about feel slighted that i'm not out and about with them. those i see on a regular basis i see b/c i live with them or they come over regularly..not b/c i go out of my way to seek them out. i just hate being told that i "dont have enough time for people". b/c while it's true, i'd never word it in such a way to those i care for. i don't get this mentality of a friend having to be there every waking moment in order for the friendship to be valid and meaningful..
sometimes, i'm convinced you are my fairy godmother.
Ashley, it is really tough to try to make everyone happy and balance everything in your life. And unfortunately, it just gets worse as time goes on. I understand that you want to please everyone, but do the best that you can, while keeping yourself happy, and you will be ok. :)
ReplyDeleteYes you have to be with your friends ALL THE TIME! You also have to be perfect and omnipotent and have the ability to see the future. You have to be an X-man!
ReplyDeleteSo where are your superhero tights? Your friends are waiting!
Here's my question.. Why do your friends expect you to be a mutant?
*wipes this reply down* Sorry it's dripping with sarcasm ;)