Friday, November 5, 2010

lost and found lesbifriend

lost and found lesbifriend
don't call it a comeback

lesbifriends was born out of a particularly challenging time in my life. directionless, emotionally drained, and just plain lost; my blog began as an escape from my mind. by focusing on other thoughts; by writing about positive things; by simply having an outlet- i found a great deal of peace. through this recent depressive lull in my life however, i no longer found that peace post after post.

my blog is a reflection of who i am. i turn to it to unload, to connect and ultimately find some sanity. while i don't like being explicitly personal on my blog, i do make it a point to always speak honestly of my feelings. this stems from my firm belief that were we all honest with our emotions, we'd find we are all a lot more alike than not (and as an awkward, unique, string bean of a lady- that is a very comforting thought.)

shutting down emotionally is not uncommon for me but to stop writing...well, that was a new one.

i didn't lose my passion for writing- i was still filling up journals and scribbling notes everywhere but nothing expressed all i truly wanted to unleash. i didn't want to turn my blog into what my head had become... something with a nasty, negative, mean voice. the only way i could do this while still posting new material was to censor myself. in doing that i was also shutting down my lone outlet.

it was only natural for me to want to write out my frustrations but having a life that is entwined with so many- i felt it would quickly become a gossip blog or a forum to bash situations that i found fucked up. i wanted to allow my feelings to flow out. i wanted to call people out on terrible actions. i wanted to let people know that my social silence wasn't indicative of my complacency but rather was my attempt to 'rise above'. i wanted to tell the world how alone and betrayed i was. try as i might, 'posting through the pain' for the past few months didn't bring me much comfort. i was still sad and not writing about ALL that was swirling around in my head.

it was my father's voice from long ago that finally brought me the stillness i so desperately needed. in elementary school, i remember working on my math homework with him one night. the problem had to do with fractions and it was not clicking in my little head. i'd been working on it for what seemed like hours and was still at a complete standstill. i became increasingly more agitated until i finally broke down in tears and demanded he tell me the answer. he didn't... he never would give me the answers... but he did tell me that i needed to take a step back- breathe for a moment- then approach the problem with fresh eyes.

i never did figure out the answer to the question (fuck fractions) but i did carry his message with me from then on. meditation, self-reflection and a fresh world view can make all the difference. after a dark and difficult summer, my days are sunny once again. does that mean life is a double rainbow (all the way)? certainly not. but i have 'refreshed my home-screen' if you will, and i'm looking at life through new, bright, hopeful eyes.

it feels good to be back my lesbi-friends.

9 comments:

  1. Good job Ashley. I too went through hard times this summer and I completely agree with you when you talk about stepping back and looking at everything; a reflection on your life and everything around you, with a fresh pair of eyes. I feel much better now than I did a few months ago, funny what a change in perception can do.

    If you can do this now, to turn things around like that, to have the strength to BE strong, then surely you can do this at any time in you life where you must face your inner and outer demons. Everything you overcome makes you a stronger person.

    Always be strong girly! Keep that beautiful writing coming! And videos :)

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  2. That whole post was inspiring and refreshing. Blogging is such a weird thing. It starts off personal and then you have these people read things you say and it feels like they relate and realize your inner demons and art and humor and inspirations. Then it feels like a relationship you know isn't going anywhere. You bare (bear?) your heart and soul to complete strangers, to anyone that knows how to find you and realize that you know what, those thoughts were personal.

    There is something therapeutic about putting everything out there. Maybe I'm an online exhibitionist because I was scared to moon other cars when I was on the school bus as a kid? Saying something, saying anything, to the world makes it feel more real than a thought that's just in your head.

    Of course, I'm rambling. What I'm writing doesn't really have anything to do with your post, it was only inspired by it.

    What is inspiring about this piece is that you didn't fall into the trap of negativity. You chose, as a person, to fight that urge we all have to gossip, seek revenge, and hurt those that threaten or hurt us. A creative outlet is useless if not accompanied by personal growth. I'm glad you're growing.

    Sincerely,

    talks too much

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  3. Writing will always be there for you. I often wonder what would I do (and where would I be) If I couldnt write down what's on my head.
    I call it my sane switch.
    Im glad yours has kicked in and you are ok, writing again.

    Luvs.

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  4. Sometimes our blogs can take on a life of their own and when times get shitty we need a break to restore our sanity and take care of ourselves. As a faithful reader I'm glad to have you back!

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  5. I'm a little late to this, but glad to see that you have gotten through that place and are on to bigger and brighter things!!

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  6. I would just like to say that I respect the fact that you didn't want to use your blog as a place to simply trash talk.
    I admit that I did not notice this post before because it has been quite a time since you have written anything, but its really great to see that you are again gracing us with the glory that is Ashley.

    For a great many months I have considered you the light in many of my days with the positive additude that you have desplayed. You make me smile and laugh in all of your videos and many of your posts.
    Because of that it was hard to read your posts of the difficult times that you were dealing with this past summer.
    We have never met, and you don't know a lot about me, but with every sad word and thought, I wanted to be able to hug you and to give you words of encouragement.

    It's really great to hear that things are looking up for you, and I hope they keep on getting better, you deserve so much.

    I'm glad your back, and you are totally right, fuck fractions :)

    <3

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