Monday, August 31, 2009

weekend wrap-up

weekend wrap-up
mingling with the b'morians

so this weekend i was feeling pretty adventurous, and clearly by adventurous what i mean is i was being impulsive and stubborn and thus 2 trips up and back to baltimore in one day was completely logical and well thought out. right.
let it be known that im neurotic (yet fun) and i like having some semblance of a plan (agh, and fuck you to everyone who tells me to 'live on the edge'. my quality of life is fabulous, there is nothing at all wrong with plans and schedules. sure, i can live impulsively but im infinitely more at peace when i have a plan.)
this weekend was no exception- yes i claimed to be more 'adventurous' but in reality, i just did what i had planned on doing the whole time.

admittedly, i was pretty bummed at the end of the week b/c im a pussy and my girlfriend was out of town for a whopping 3 days. sounds mildly obsessive of me to be downtrodden about her being a few hours away for 2 nights and 3 days but ive mentioned before how hard it is for me to get little to any sleep normally, i sleep a little bit easier when shes next to me. but when shes not near me- well fuck sleeping, im going to be up all night, doing crafts to ease my restless mind and gives me more time to think of how i miss her tremendously.
so friday after i got off of work, i picked up anne, dee and stancil for a little house warming party at
heathers. all seemed to be on the up and up- but i feel its important for me to mention that i get off of work at 11pm nightly. now, being the insomniac that i am, i have no issue with this, but as far as 'meeting up with friends' goes- it generally doesnt lend itself to seeing my friends before they are absurdly drunk.
with that said- when we got there everyone was in fact, absurdly drunk! to the point that they were at the 'talking loudly, thinking no one else can hear them, but in fact we all can and subsequently when you speak disparagingly about people in front of them they may have an issue with that' stage of drunkenness. a girl who used to date a friend of mine turned to heather upon our arrival and says, 'oh awesome, i dont know anyone that just walked in'...i was staring her in the eye when this was said. now, as we have met before and she lives across the street from me, i thought well surely she is not referring to me, but the friends i have brought along. no- she was talking about me too.
'do you really not remember meeting me? it was (to me) an unforgettable situation. you were at the bar buying my sister a drink and hitting on her all night-'
not ringing a bell to her..
'well, then my girlfriend came up and you bought her a drink too-'
still nothing..
'then when i came up b/c i knew you were newly dating my friend you told me my sister shouldnt be bi and have a boyfriend.'
'oh i dont remember that- i only know you from facebook'
agh- she was impossible. we took a photo together that night (she stood next to me in the center), and the only reason she added me on facebook was b/c we HAD MET IN THE BAR. generally it wouldnt phase me at all, but it made us all feel awkward upon walking in.
so after that fun exchange we all decided it was time for a long 'smoke em if ya got em' break, aka chain smoking to escape awkward encounters. (which, is also an insanely healthy way to approach any sort of uncomfortable party situation or forced family event) now im trying to quit smoking cigarettes, and doing so successfully thusfar.
the smoke break was followed by chatterin' amongst friends, heather being adorable, and then us leaving.

baby came home! that was awesome. my whole being just lights up when shes near.
she makes my heart sing- literally. i dont just mean it in an adorably corny way.. i mean when she is near i feel as if im in a disney movie on acid- everything is so colorful, vibrant, alive, and unbelievable; and on top of that, i never feel more close to my dreams and my dream world as i do when im near here.
but i know if you are single and youre reading that, chances are high that you just threw up and if not- then you are now forcing yourself to do so. whatever- just appreciate love my friends!
moving along, so what happened saturday?
well, i got the brilliant idea to visit my friend
victoria and her girlfriend during the day. i planned on leaving early, but danielle was coming home, so i waited for her b/c obviously she my ride or die trick, and i wanted her riding shotgun with myself dee and stancil.
so we are all puttin' along, we left hours later than i had initially planned, i felt like i was livin on the edge, as if to say look at me! im fully functioning, disregarding the well laid plans i had, and i am still breathing. well, when we did actually arrive, i realized why i always have plans-
b/c crashing someones wedding shower is never in good taste. im all for crashing parties, i think its a fun way of making friends; but birthdays are where i draw the line.
it was ok for me (on my birthday) to crash someone elses (who i didnt know) birthday party and then cheer when they sing happy birthday to her and then thank everyone for their birthday wishes.
but its NOT ok to show up at any sort of shower event.
dont get me wrong, it was great to see victoria and krissy, but needless to say it was awkward.
and we went home.
after a nap, then a shower- we were ready for baltimore: round two!
and let me just say b'more ladies: you are the classiest/messiest girls ive met, only topped by my own friends. and i mean that with an incredible amount of love. i wont lie, prior to actually going out with my baltimore friends, i was generally just terrified of the b'more lesbian scene. from the stories i heard i was mostly scared b/c they arent afraid to use brute force.
im a tall girl of slight frame, who loves unicorns.. i think its clear that im not fighting anyone physically or otherwise, and those who do scare me.
but as a friend pointed out, 'there are crazy bitches in dc, there are crazy bitches in baltimore- britney spears was crazy and shes in la...its not just a baltimore v. dc thing- crazies are everywhere' and point taken!
what kinda crazies did i see up in good ol' baltimore?
the only one thats really worth blogging about were the two classy ladies on the stage towards the end of the night:
the tale of the classiest baltimorbians*
(*i was trying to make that work for b'more lesbians, but im not really feeling it- sorry, never again)
so, im standing in the center of the dance floor, dry humping everything in sight, flailing my arms wildly, and overall looking like a person mid-seizure; and i look up on the stage and there they both are- the classiest lesbians of baltimore.
this isnt a title id throw around lightly, nor one that im actually qualified to give away, but these ladies were incredible.
girl #1 was wearing a sweet little sundress, and a full leg cast. the cast i feel gave her more clout in my book- as that shows real dedication. not everyone would go out with a leg cast, or any cast for that matter, to a club where the main purpose is to either drink, or dance. i guess only one of those requires legwork, but still- thats impressive.
girl #2 was a long brown haired beauty. in all honesty i saw very little of her face- but a lot more of her in general...she bent girl #1 over and proceeded to hump her while hiking up her skirt. before i know it, im seein #1s ass and possibly hole, it was unclear if panties were present or not. ass was seen none the less, and a pretty sweet one at that. #2, clearly not to be outdone flashes a lil tittie.
i, being the creepy old man that i am, start clapping and shouting god bless america! then others join in the clapping. the two ladies then realize that we all can see them, and as im sure you guessed she was letting those perfect fun bags BREATHE! and when i say perfect, i mean perfect.

needless to say- baltimore, i love you.
i wish i was closer so i could play with you more often, but after this weekend, it would seem i need to take the not so terrible drive up that way more often!

Friday, August 28, 2009

straight girl crush

straight girl crush
do you remember yours?

ahh, lets take a trip down memory lane. always a fun lil jaunt if i do say so myself.
recently i was going through old photos on the computer and i saw her- my first straight girl crush, dana.

we have all been there- falling for the definition of 'unattainable', falling for the straight girl. my first straight girl crush, also was the one girl that zapped any question in my mind about being gay, straight, or bi. after i met her- it was just a matter of me being able to say out loud 'i love snatch' (which took a good 2 years, but still- i came out when i was ready.)

it started simply enough, in middle school she was the most beautiful g
irl at school. everyone knew her; the boys loved her, the girls wanted to be her friends, and i just wanted to be near her. we had one or two classes together, but overall our paths didnt cross much growing up (read: i was a bit eccentric in my youth, and while i did have a lot of friends, and i never caught her eye) it wasnt until senior year of high school that we became very close.
we shared a class together, and hung out often. i remember having sleepovers in my friends basement and dana would be upset about her current boyfriend- i also very much remember her making out with me to 'make him jealous'. bittersweet make outs those were.
bittersweet only in that, this girl i thought the world of will only make out with me to make her boyfriend pissed.

these plans ALWAYS backfired, as the boys were never upset that she was kissing me; in fact they loved it (shocker, some high school wiener slingers love the lesbianic action, who would have guessed that). our playful ways continued all throughout the year. by the end of the year, and close to graduation she would openly make out with me at parties, and tell boys that she loved me; granted all of these times she was wasteface, but that didnt matter to me- she noticed me, i know she felt it too- and one day she would stop with those stupid cockels and stick with the ashbox!

i tried so hard to believe myself when i said, 'ashley, this is fruitless. stop letting your heart think that you are anything more than just a good time, stop believing that there is a chance it will work out- she isnt gay, she likes sex with dudes, and makes out with you for fun' but if you have ever fallen for a straight girl, you know how hard it is to convince yourself of the truth...its not gonna happen. b/c deep down there is a little voice that says, 'she may not be gay, but she sure as hell isnt all straight!'

a good friend of mine ALWAYS falls in love with straight girls, but for her its a fantastic game plan. they are down to fuck around, but dont want the relationship- which for some can be ideal, the only huge problem that said friend runs into is sometimes straight girls can become possessive. ive never had that issue, as i dont make it a common practice to fall for people who dont like my gender, but ive seen it before. oh sure, the attention is great at first, they relish the fact that your lesbian ass is sitting in their palm, but then as soon as you start hitting on other girls- awhh HAYELLL NO.

back to my straight girl, she is now pre med in flordia..aka shes bronzed up, and ready to operate! she recently contacted me and told me that she wants to meet up in the winter time when shes home on break. you know, meet all of my friends, get wasted with us, possibly get naked- maybe im just day dreaming here. now of course i casually said 'oh that would be lovely' when ive secretly been waiting for us to rekindle the friendship for years.

so lesbians, whats the moral here?
well first off i implore you- and yet know we all are hardwired, and no amount of warning will stop it- but dont fall in love with the straight girls. they may be hot as fuck, they may be DTF* like none other, they may also be everything you have ever wanted but we all know its going no where. with that said, i wont lie- it is a fun ride if you can take it.
and also- i think for most lesbians/gays/bisexuals there was a moment in our lives when we too identified as 'straight' before we knew/admitted we were there is in fact hope that the straight girl youve fallen for, is really the closeted lesbian whos meant to be your soul mate!

*down to fuck

Thursday, August 27, 2009

listen up!

everyone thinks their taste in music
is better than everyone elses

who doesnt love hearing new music?
when you first hear that new song, and everything hits just right- ooo baby, you need to slip off those panties b/c those mo'fucks are SOAKED.
im a fan of all types of music (aside from country. please dont tell me that i need to 'give it a chance' b/c no- no- i do not. i hate that twang, it makes me ill. and not just 'ill' as in metaphorically- country music used to make me physically sick. furthermore i dated a girl who once dragged me to the WMZQfest, which is a giant- drunken- cuntry filled fest of shit. sure- it could have been the fact that her ex boyfriend was there, and he was hammertimed and i was not a fan of his hands all over her. but i digress, hate me if you will i just do not at all like that each his own)
moving along, what i offer you today is a little hip hop...not this canned, down right stupid shit thats been popping up all over.

first- i give you macklemore.
fresh outta seattle, washington...agh, they are so chill, im a huge fan. if you are a big POS fan- you will most def feel these fellas.

oh man, this song isnt new at all, but im VERY MUCH OBSESSED WITH IT.
checkout the lyrics- the ending is fucked up, but who doesnt get into a good sick love song??
cage- i never knew you lyrics

you know when you love a band, then they drop off for a little while, then you find them again in just enough time to save your musical life?
i feel that way with the streets.
blinded by the lights:

and for a bit of an upper, when you wasnt famous:

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

the lesbian chop

lesbians are not striaght
nor are their haircuts

lesbians...dont think i didnt notice.
ive seen you all with your a-symmetrical hair cuts.
i know what you all are doing- being all progressive and trendy.
agh- and so fucking cute i just want to swish you all around in my mouth as i do listerine every morning.

here we have my friend, miss victoria. shes not single, and her girlfriend is foxy as hell (i feel obligated to say that just so you know who these two are, and subsequently rad as fuck in my book)
i digress, victoria- when i first met her had long wavy hair. then one day she chopped half of it off. fuck yah! i love long hair just as much as the next girl, but when a chick has the balls to chop half her hair off, and then own it!? well m'lady- you get a gold star in my book. thats for sure.
doesnt hurt that all my friends who have this cut are in fact,

here are a few other friends of mine with the lesbian a-symetrical chop, jane the smokin' hot russian, and emily the asian minx.

just letting you ladies know- while i might not ever have the balls to do what i want with my head, i salute you all for doin so!

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

negative thought release

im having a bad day.

generally speaking, i hate when people start off a conversation with that b/c it
never comes as a singular statement. more than likely it is followed by a laundry list of why said persons day was awful, how their life is just incredibly unfortunate and why you should give them your sympathy or in someway try to alleviate their pain.
fear not- im not going to go into detail about why my day was bad, but i do need to get the negative thoughts in my head out of here, and in written form.

im terrified.

ive always prided myself on my devotion to the dreams of the world. i am a
fantasizer, i am a believer, i am a star-gazer, i am a lover, i am mystical, i am a wildflower picker, but above all else- i am a dreamer.
i believe in dreams more than ive
ever believed in anything.
ive never really agreed with mainstream religions. i was raised as a good, god-fearing christian girl, but began to question the church as soon as i was able to formulate thoughts on my own. i was scolded early on for my questioning of religion (the question that got me kicked out of sunday school in 5th grade was simply,
whats the difference between christianity and cults? i was not snarky or being an asshole kid, i honestly wanted to know. instead i was sent into the hall with a bible and a cold look from my teacher)

i fear that i question everything too much to believe in anything.

the only thing that i have ever believed in without question was my dreams.
every relationship, every action, every thought- i question its validity. i look at every situation from far too many angles. (alright, i just over analyze things to a fault)
im not entirely sure why i do this.
its not that i fear making mistakes; i relish them as they are an opportunity to grow and learn.
its not that i fear settling; i feel that the universe has a wonderful way of shifting our lives so that whats meant to be- is; and whats not meant to be- isnt.
i suppose i just like questioning, and knowing, and filling up my sponge of a mind just a bit more.

i fear my love of my dreams will ultimately leave me with only them.

my love affair with my dreams has been one ive had all my life.
my dreams are my old lady; and even though i become frustrated with her often times b/c shes difficult. she always challenges me in a way no person ever has- and for that,
i love her in a way that no person ever will.
the only thing that has never left me, never hurt me, never disappointed me, never used me, never made me feel inferior, and never made me feel anything less than spectacular- has been my dreams.
now, as one could imagine, a love affair like this has roots, its living, breathing, constantly evolving. my dreams have grown along with me, and taken me beautiful places. ive been a tree, every animal imaginable (and unimaginable as well), a lawyer, an interior designer, a singer, an actress, a politician, a public speaker, a plane, and countless other things that one can only be in their dreams.
my dreams are currently taking me places above and beyond where my body is currently.
but my dreams are sacred, they are my adorable little secrets that i have with only myself. no one knows them all- not even me.
frankly, i never want to lose my dreams.
dreams are what make people sparkle. dreams define a person, and yet give them mystery.
i believe that dreams are the closest thing to a soul that anyone has.
with that said, i dont necessarily believe those without dreams are soulless- i feel they are just a little lost, but leave them be for the journey they are on is important.

i fear everyday is a battle with my dreams vs every ones reality;
and just as in good vs evil- i fear an epic showdown will one day happen.

im scared shittless that a day will come when i am forced to choose between the two things i believe most in life: my dreams or love.
i know that the two arent mutually exclusive.
i know that it is possible to have the two together, and yet- i fret.
my stomach is littered with worries that eat at me like a cancer. what if a day comes when im at the fork in the road? what happens when the girl i love doesnt want to follow my whimsical way and wants me to 'settle down' and 'give up on my dreams'. people give up on their dreams everyday, everyday people die inside, and i
never want to become that.
my fire within me
is my dreams, thats what fuels me, its what pushes me into jobs with no pay, but great networking opportunities, its what pushes me closer towards hyper-creative insomniac who wears socks all the time.

will their come a day that i have to put my dreams on a shelf, and play house like everyone else?

i dont care how unrealistic ,idealistic, irrational or just play crazy you might think i am- but i know there will never come a day where i put anything above my dreams.
i will never truly die inside, as i am always going to be brimming with new dreams.
and then
my dreams will have dreams-
and everything will be ok.
so why do you worry, ash?

i love the most dynamic, captivating, magical, beautiful creature in the world.

and for the first time shes not a dream- shes
incredibly real.
she is all i could have ever manufactured in my romance peppered mind. she is, in essence, my dream woman. she gave me butterflies- she knows thats why i talked to her, but unbeknownst to her, what
initially attracted me to her was what she made my mind do.
normally when i meet someone for the first time my mind races a little bit- im taking every little bit of them in.
the obvious things first- presentation, clothes, shoes (tied/no laces/untied?), hair, makeup (or lack thereof), all outward things. but as we all know- they are misleading.
my thoughts jump to how they speak, listening to their mannerisms.
then my thoughts drift to
i wonder what they are like, what were they doing before this, what has their life been like?
but when i met her my thoughts went blank- as if every thought was erased, or rebooting, or put on hibernate mode, or something equally as 1984.
thats not what was so spectacular about her though, b/c i have met
one other girl who made my thoughts go blank. what is different about my dream girl is that while she made my thoughts disappear- she made my dreams come alive!!
everything was so rich, and dynamic- imagine the saturation bar of life was just amped up 1000%. colors more vibrant, the world seems so much more attainable, anything is possible, (i hate to be so common as to sum it up like this- but its perfect) i felt as if every dream was coming true.
that is the single most exhilarating feeling in the world.
fuck drugs- the very first moment i saw her i was higher than id
ever been in my life.
once we began talking, i found out very quickly, she wasnt afraid to dream with me. she wasnt scared to talk about
foolish pipe dreams that might never come to pass. she went on those journeys with me and brought my spirit back to life.
i know a day will come where i will have to place one above the other..
i hope this day comes later rather than sooner..
i suppose right now i shouldnt allow myself to be riddled with worry..
but- le sigh.

so who do you choose?
the one that brings you to life; or the one that
gives you life?

porn thoughts

i consider myself a young lady who can appreciate and speak knowledgeably on the visual form of arts/pleasure...also known as, i love porn more than i should.

i dont consider it something dirty, that should be swept under the rug. when i was a wee one i was caught often stealing my fathers playboys and was made to feel like it was bad. that stern look of 'oh you got busted touching up on yourself' that i felt all too often..whatever, i was just a body aware, inqusitive child. i was told by my parents that i was 'tickling myself' and that i should not do it in public, its weird and rude- words to live by.

but looking at the playboys didnt make me feel bad.
in fact, they made me feel very good.

fast forward to today, where my sister and i both have a healthy love affair with the pornographic arts.

but i often find myself wondering things while enjoing a film, and i feel like im the only one.

does anyone else, while watching lesbian porn, try and see if the chicks are really into it? and if they actually know what they are doing? i just wanna know if they are really lesbians. not that it matters i suppose, b/c they clearly dont have an issue with the lesbots. but i always watch how they kiss, or if their touches are awkward or forced..perhaps thats just me.

i also think 'did this really happen?' i know the answer is generally, 'fuck no ashley- what 18 year old group of girls has a sleepover where they all end up naked, and just happen to all have coordinating dildos and 13 gallons of KY?'

but the answer im longing to hear is, 'yes it did. and the type of 18 year olds you are talking about live right down the street and they want you to come and play'


random thought #12

thoughts stuck
in your head

have you ever had thoughts that plant themselves in your head, and just wont escape until you let them completely envelop your life?

much like a song that takes on roots in your mind, and coils around your brain until you sing it at the top of your lungs all day.

you know what thought wouldnt leave my mind last night?

what do bears look like when completely shaved??
bet really adorable.

just sayin is all..

note to all:
do not google 'shaved bear' or anything along that vein.
you WILL get mostly gay 'bear' porn..yah- that kind of bear porn.
words of wisdom, from someone whos been there.
happy tuesday!

Monday, August 24, 2009

things i love vs things i dont

things i love vs things i dont
b/c 'hate' is such a strong word

i love crafting.
arts and crafts twist my a very good way. there is no other activity that brings such joy to both my heart and mind. when one udders the word 'craft' i instantly go into a frenzy.
what shall i make?
what will it be used for?
will i give it away as a crafty gift?
should i get more craft supplies? (even though the answer to this is always 'no', i always seem to make a trip to the craft store, to buy handfuls of things i didnt intend to buy. fear not, theres a healthy amount of denial and flawed logic that goes into my argument of 'well, i will use this for another craft' or 'i just could not resist at the sight of them'.)
can i reuse any materials i already have? (when i pose this question, it leads to me ripping up every shirt/pair of jeans/wife beater i havent worn in the past month or two...ahh the beauty that is the destruction/creation cycle)
prepare to go off on a tangent with me-
if you too are a craft lover, i suggest you pickup the bible of crafting, the koran of artsy-fartsy, the manual to hipster-crafts; the big-ass book of crafts. got this book for my 22nd birthday from my friend alisha, it almost made up for the fact that 22 is a terrible birthday b/c its after 21 but closer to 25..aka nothing to celebrate. i digress, i LOVE this book. i went through the whole book and put post its on the crafts i wanted to do.
that turned into the latter half of the book.
its full of easy, incredibly beautiful little things to do.
sometimes i fear my love of crafts will turn me into a crazy craft lady..but thats not a bridge ive crossed yet. so i STILL HAVE MY DIGNITY.

i do not love playing flip cup
im a terrible lesbian stereotype, i know.
but look- i cant help it if im the ONE LESBIAN who, like heteroladies and twinks alike, lacks hand eye coordination.
sure, ill make a valiant effort.
sure, i will make loud noises and big arm gestures, like a frat boy (with no game) trying to intimidate all.
sure, the only thing i will succeed in is making everyone else feel like they are a flip cup GOD. but dont hassle me b/c im not as big a lush as you, and flippin' cups isnt my forte.



i love anything infused with grape.
(purple-grape flavor, NOT grape-grape flavor)
i hate to be a flavor snob, but watermelon, banana, sour apple, cherry- whatever, yall SUCK. grape is far and above, the most dynamic flavor ever created by man.
perhaps thats a bit generous, but if you know me even a little bit, you know my obsession with grape is far reaching.
first, lets address the issue of purple-grape vs grape-grape.
purple-grape is the grape flavoring we all know and love. while other flavors like banana and watermelon taste similar to their namesake, 'grape' flavored things, often taste nothing at all like actual grapes but more like what the color purple would taste like. ill be the first to agree that maybe i put a little bit too much thought into this, but i know that im dead on.
grape-grape is the juices of grape. that actually taste like a grape, generally b/c it does infact have bits of grape in it.

i do not love soco
(any longer)
im not a huge drinker. in fact often at the end of a year, i can count on 2 hands the times ive drank, and on one hand the amount of times that ive gotten shithouse, hammer-timed.
but when i do come to drink- i have my game face on!
read: im going to make some unhealthy, regrettable life choices, all of which we will laugh about later.
soco, the common nickname of southern comfort. which, as the name would imply, comes from the south, and does roll down the throat in a deliciously comfortable way. so why ashley, if this drink is so comfortable, do you refrain from guzzling it on the regular?
the first time i drank soco was at a baseball game. before i came out, i tried to play it straight- i was dating a boy who played baseball, and on thought it would be nice to take me to a local high schools game.
sounds unassuming enough.
now mind you, at this point in my life, i knew that something was 'off' with me. i didnt want to admit i was gay, but i knew that i was nothing like my friends..and i loved seeing them naked. but of course all of this was kept under lock and key- until our date.
it was my own fault, i tried to impress him. and by impress him, i mean destroy a 12 oz bottle of soco in the first few innings. needless to say, i was delightfully charming the rest of the game. from what i can remember i began to heckle the opposing team, and cursed a great deal.
being a gentleman, he suggested we retire to the car for a bit, before he took me home. this is where it gets really blurry; initially, i thought the night unfolded as follows:
we got to my house, pull into the driveway. we talked a lot, and then i remember kissing him goodnight. i also vaguely remember my grandmother coming out and making an appearance.
yah right ashley. thats not at all what happend.
what really happened:
we got to my house, pull into the driveway. we began talking about how i would love to have sex someday with a fella; provided that the man had boobs, tucked it under, and for all intensive purposes- was a lady.
wait- it gets even better.
apparently i would not shut up about tits and twat all night. we somehow landed behind my fathers '79 camero, half naked- as i was attempting to urinate.
my quest for bladder expulsion lead me back into the house. i only know this for sure b/c at 4am my mother came down into the kitchen to find me passed out with no pants on. where she proceeded to ask if i was drunk, all i could udder was a laundry list of 'curse word hybrids' that i made up (when you mash up two curse words that would not normally be strung together- i.e. fucktwat, cuntshit...)
so what did i gain from my night with soco?
well, the boy broke up with me after that night, and didnt tell me for a year why he did. it wasnt until i came out that he said 'i knew you were gay- you practically told me that night'.
shockingly, he has gone on to become one of my closest boy-friends, and
we still hang out
i also realized that soco turns me into a classy, foul-mouthed, naked lady..and thus, i no longer love soco.


i love the word 'supple'
simply put, the way the female mouth moves in order to make the sound for the word 'supple' is the sexist movement of them all. my personal favorite- is the pop of the lips that is made when the 'pple' sound is made. mm.

i do not love the word 'horny'
if you want to get laid, stop- for the love of god- using this archaic, nasty word.
agh, just the sound of this word drums up a picture of an overweight, middle aged man, sweating in his mothers basement, while googling anime porn.
seriously- who the fuck thinks saying 'im horny' is going to get you anywhere. i only can support using this word if you are making a pun, as if to say 'i in fact HAVE HORNS' *hilarity ensues* but if you are attempting to use this word to describe your level of arousal, then you sir/maam are a douchebag, and if you take a trip to 'hornytown', then my vagina will take a trip to 'lockdowntown'.


i love unicorns
mystical doesnt even begin to describe the majesty that is a unicorn.
not sure what it is excatly. clearly, its got to be the horn- b/c i couldnt give to shits about a horse, but a unicorn- well hell, lemme know all about it.

fuck that noise- i love all mystical creatures.
haha trick question. i win.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

innie vs outtie

so girl, what are ya??
an innie, or an outtie?

i had a healthy awareness of my body from a very young age. i credit that to an open discussion policy with my parents (aka i was a hyper inquisitive child; and my parents were almost forced to indulge me just so i would shut up) and also my county was mildly progressive in their teaching of health/sex ed.

i knew what my body looked like; that no body was truly 'normal'- everyone was different; and that vaginas looked cooler than wiener wands. i also knew, along with everyone else that 'innie' was a belly button that you could put your thumb into, and an 'outtie' looked almost like a crescent moon popping out of ones stomach. admittedly, when i was younger i was terrified of those who had outties- i figured it was some sort of robot sign..i dunno.

as i got older, and my vernacular more vast- i learned the other definition of 'innie' and 'outie' when it comes to the ladies. oh yes- we are going there..hop aboard the genital express, we are going to lady town- all the way the last stop, VAGINATOWN!

when i started thinking of blogging on this topic i began to ask around and see how accepted the terms were. was it just something me and a few other people spoke of commonly? did i make it up? or does everyone understand this term?

i found that it was pretty much hit or miss- just about 50/50. but when i explained to the other 50 what it was, hahah, every time it was fantastic to hear their expressions.

the best way to explain what a innie vs outtie is, is to show you- but not in the way pervs would find attractive.
step 1- tilt your left ear, to your left shoulder; so that your head is now tilted to the side.
step 2- place index fingers, on respective sides of the mouth (left to left, right to right)
step 3- pull taught.
step 4a- ||for "innie": do nothing
step 4b- ||for "outtie": stick out tongue a little bit

just in time for saturday night! now when you are trying to pick up a new hottie at the bar, in addition to asking her if shes single (for the night), over legal age, AND 'so girl, you an innie or an outtie?'

Friday, August 21, 2009

uhauling, 'wifey', and marriage- OH MY!

uhauling, 'wifey', and marriage-

i was explaining to a coworker yesterday the concept of 'uhauling' amongst lesbians.
lesbians and uhauls have had a torrid love affair since the dawn of time, or at least somewhere around the mid 1980s. the term 'uhauling' generally means, after a brief tryst or two- the two female parties pack up their shit, and uhaul it up! they move in together, and it often ends in disaster.

even knowing this- i am going to be 'uhauling' for the first time in my life soon.
yes- i shall be committing this sin in the lesbian world...alright, less a sin, and more just being fiscally responsible. for as im sure you well know, we are in tough economic times. sure, thanks to big barack things are beginning to turn around, but on the whole- we are still very much in a recession.

i have gotten 2 massive paycuts this past year.
i drive over 60 miles a day, just to get to work and home.
i have an unhealthy love affiar with ebay, online shopping, cheap sunglasses and thrift stores.
in essence- im not the most fiscally upright person. i, like most in their early 20s, am trying desperately to stay afloat, and not return to my parents home for shelter.
but try as i might, times are tough.

then my girlfriend proposed the idea of us moving in together. we first got together back in november of last year, so its not exactly a brief courtship. and i legitimately love her with every fiber of my soul. no one has ever kept my playful spirit interested as much as she has, and no one has ever given me butterflies every time they walk in the door. i love the shit out of her- but moving in? yikes.

i know a lot about lesbian stereotypes.
i know enough about them to know how not to be one...but this time 'uhauling it' makes sense.
when i was talking to my coworker, he said 'well, so you are now a uhauling lesbian too??'
i emphatically said, 'NO WAY! are you kidding?! pfft not me. no never.'
but by definition i totally am! what a fuckin hypocrite!
so whats my rational? how do i weasel out of being a stereotype?
four words- it makes financial sense!

my babies, we are in a recession, and thus its no longer trendy, or cute, or just plain stupid to move in with your lady.
in fact- uhauling shouldnt carry the negitive connotation that it has for years.
if i were to move in with my girlfriend, it would save me all across the board; gas, rent, no more paying for expensive hookers and prostitutes! ;-)

but i still found myself trying to push MY moving in with my girlfriend away from everyone else doing it, and it being 'uhauling'.
b/c uhualing scares the shit out of me. ive never lived with a partner ever, and while i know it will be the best move for my wallet, and it is what my heart wants- i just do not want to be that stereotype. i dont want to be that couple.

nothing irks me more than hearing that couple who has been dating for a little while and already calling each other 'wifey'. if you are ellen and portia, go to fucking town on the wife tip, but if you are not married, why throw that term around? we cant get married..thats just rude of you to throw it out there.
do you want to get married? after weeks of knowing that chick?
i believe in romance over most things in life, but i really find it terrifying that women throw this term around so carelessly.

i hate to be a terrible lesbot, but it makes me worry about gay marriage. when it passes (b/c it WILL someday), will lesbians be jumping into the marriage business like we jump into the sack with each other? what will the lesbian divorce rate be? will every lady who calls her girl 'wifey' wanna slap a ring on her finger?
regardless of all of those things, we should still have the right to choose whether or not we walk down the aisle.
dunno about you, but i never got to vote on whether or not hetero marriage was 'lawful', no bill passed in front of my eyes saying that i am a second class citizen- i should have the right to marry whoever i want- man, woman, tranny, or queen.
dont even get me started on the whole 'gays marrying would ruin the sanctity of marriage' crock of shit. are you kidding me? marriage has never been considered too sacred, dont you all remember dowries, or women being property and being sold with a plot of land. lest you forget- it has only been in the recent centuries that marriage has even been associated with love.
i digress- ill step down off my soapbox.

in conclusion: uhauling is ok for lesbians- if we are in a recession;
stop calling your girlfriend wifey if you are not in fact her wife;
marriage is marriage- no if, ands, heteros or gays about it.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

random thought #11

a few little thoughts
from my little head

**when im feelin' blue at work, i try to brighten my own day by skipping everywhere.
i generally sit for long periods of time, and thus going to the bathroom is the perfect break from the monotony of cubical life.
sure- your coworkers will think you are bizarre..but if your me, thats nothing new.
i assure you, if you begin to put some pep in ur step a smile is bound to come out.

**also- who started the rumor that girls dont poop?
im sick of that- whoevers perpetuating that shit (pun, completely intended) needs to cut it out. pooping, while often smelly and not an appropriate topic of discussion, is natural.
why the hatred?
its the only bodily function thats vilified. well i take that back- pooping, and for most people any sort of oozing as a result of a cut/wound. (i can actually hear people cringing with that one, haha)
but in all honesty, i love pooping more than most ladies like to admit.
its natural, healthy, and should be a-ok to chit chat about.

**and finally, before i dash off to the shower pre-work, i have to tell you all a story that was told to me today.
a good friend of mine, who i have mentioned on here before- was riding the metro last night. she was mugged and her bag was stolen.
thankfully she was just a bit shoken up, but on the whole, a-ok. but the real kicker was several times over she had to explain what was in her bag. you know how ladies are, carrying everything but the kitchen sink in their bags.
well for her- everything included her brand new strap-on, freshly used (she didnt admit that, but in my mind thats what she was doing before she was on the metro, perhaps im just a dreamer) nothing says FML like getting mugged, loosing all your shit, and now being weiner-wandless.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

vloggin' in leu of bloggin' #1

road trips with ashley
are always a brilliant idea

this weekend, danielle and myself went to ocean city, md b/c we be CLASSY
attempting to get to the beach:

playing with dollaz'
yahh, just for the blog readers.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

we still have a long way to go


so i came to the disappointing conclusion this weekend that
even with the success of katy perrys song-
even with lindsay lohan's current obsession with poon-
lesbian wedding on daytime television-
we still have a LONG way to go to erase hate from ignorant peoples minds.

ive been wanting to write this blog for a while, but as sad as this sounds, i was waiting for more ammo for my arsenal. i knew it would come in time, and after getting back from the beach this weekend, i knew that now was the time.

first let me share with you a story of what happened to a friend of mine:
she would probably classify as butch.
alright- not probably, girlfriend is butch as hell- but i personally think that term is so aggressive. and furthermore, i hate to classify people, but realistically is it a 'classification' if it is a simple observation? (oh lord i could go on with that, but for now, ill let it sleep) so, without offending anyone- she dresses in a 'butchier fashion'.
she has short hair, a beautiful lil face, some tattoos and piercings, and when i look at her- i very much know that she is all woman, inside and out. (read: lil' lady is stacked up top. sorry cr, but you know how i feel about the mammories)
i digress, she tells me a story of how she went to a gas station in a rural/suburban part of virigina. its got a lot of 'good ol boys' but it also has a thriving economy and thus isnt JUST agriculture and firearms. whilst in the gas station store a man approaches her and says 'what is in your lip' to which my friend said something to the effect of 'its a lip ring, sir'.
now we all know that people of an older generation, dont 'get' tattoos and piercings, hell some people in this generation dont get it either- but she wasnt being rude or obscene. she was non-confrontational, docile, and even levelheaded while this man spoke with her. she was collecting redbulls (b/c lord knows 'mos love their yagerbombs) and this man continued the conversation.
he followed her to the counter and hurled more questions at her.

'what are you?'
'are you a boy or a girl?'
'whats wrong with you?'
after 20 minuets of hearing 'what are you' and 'what the fuck is wrong with you', my friend stayed silent. (please note, no one in the store said a thing, not even the clerk) she told me later that she didnt know if she more in shock or disgust, but she did know that she was fearful. she told me that she had nothing to say, b/c she had never played this scenario out in her mind. she legit believed, like most of us do, that this world is changing for the better when it comes to being comfortably out and accepted.
the only words she did manage to say were, 'have you never seen a gay person? *to man behind counter* please ring me up.'
she went on to explain to me how it made her feel. everytime someone tells me a story like this i ALWAYS ask how it made them feel and not shockingly, its always the same regardless of the situation.
some of the words she said to me were, humiliated, inhuman, forgotten, and unaccepted.
she walked out with her head held high- it was the only thing she could do. but as she walked to her car the man stabbed one last time, 'FAGGOT!'
faggot? really? is this 1996? is that a valid cutdown anymore? didnt the gays reclaim faggot? i thought we did.

sir- i hate to break it to you, but im pretty sure that my friend is aware of her sexual orientation, and thus you yelling it in a parking lot just calls you out as a homophobe or (perhaps i am assuming too much here, but roll with me) you have now licked the proverbial envelope on your 'douche status'. yes sir, you are a grade-a douche bag.
i have to give my girl props, after this incident she contacted the better business bureau and was told 'we only deal with matters that better a business, and discrimination is NOT our department'.
the ignorance of people sometimes is just beyond me. how does anyone feel so above another to speak to them in a condescending way (::note:: i have few pet peeves, i may be neurotic as hell, but little really upsets me. but if you speak to me in condescending way- you have officially landed on my shit list. we are all equals- doesnt matter who the fuck you think you are, we ARE equal, and you can learn something from everyone)

so- another fun story.

a best friend of mine, whos also more butch then femme was at the mall. shes the type who 'flirts with the line' from time to time. (i.e. buys girls jeans, but wears jersey tops and bball boy hats- oh, and i neglected to mention, her hair is an adorable shaved blond mini-hawk) so she was in a store and she went to go try on some jeans- the clerk shouted 'you go on the otherside' implying that my friend was a dude. she shouted back 'im a girl'
now i was shocked my friend didnt straight up clock that c in the face, b/c my precious friend is in no way 'even keeled'. but she didnt...shockingly (or i suppose not shockingly at all) she was humiliated and insulted and promptly left.

now my personal tale of fun- while at the beach i was heckled, several times.
i was walking hand-n-hand with my lady. thats all.
we werent dressed inappropriately.
we werent waving rainbow flags.
we werent recruiting children into our gay army.
we were holding hands.
while meandering down the boardwalk, i heard a group of 20something boys say, 'look, lesbians!! dude its LESBIANS' at first, i was offended, but then i realized thats a little hypocritical of me. i told my girlfriend that i was offended that we were put on display like that. but the more i thought about it- i am those horny boys.
*hangs head in shame* i know. ill admit that when i think i see other lesbians, in my head im going, 'LESBIANS!!' however, unlike those boys, its not anything worth heckling.
now if said lesbians were sexing in front of me- i might interject a few words...all of which would be encouraging!
i digress, so we continue our walk- obviously headed towards the ballon animal man b/c im 5 years old and i love balloons. i see this couple out of the corner of my eye. they are not-so-subtly staring directly at my girlfriend and i.
the man turns to the woman and says, 'you see that right there?'
the woman, without missing a beat says, 'yes- and i dont want that in front of my children. agh.'
it was all i could do not to turn around and say, 'how in the world is my loving another woman ANY concern of yours?! on top of that, i am simply holding her hand, there is nothing lude or lascivious about that! and finally, its not the gays you have to worry about corrupting your children, its that tunnel vision view of the word you have that will royally fuck them up. you tell me whats worse- you filling them with hatred of me, or me teaching them to love people regardless of gender?'

people often assume that the homophobia is not as bad for femmes.
i will tell you first hand, ive never lived life as my buchier counterparts, but i know its no picnic being a femme in this hetero centric world.
some of the favorite things ive heard are:

  • 'give it time, you are too young to know whether you are gay or not. you are just confused and didnt give boys a chance' -well first off, fuck you for speaking to me as if you know me, when you most clearly do NOT. it took me YEARS to come out, and it was one of the most painful processes ive ever been through. to come out isnt like a katy perry song, its not popular, its not fun or easy. its not this 'thing' i thought would be cool and piss off my parents, and make certain situations very uncomfortable. i think the only person is confused is you- as you seem to think your thoughts are going to change my sexual orientation.
  • 'you are too pretty to be gay/you dont look gay/but you wear makeup'- awh, thanks. but just b/c you have complimented me doesnt mean that i think what you said was sweet. in fact thats incredibly rude- everyone comes in all shapes and colors and sizes, yah- i may not look like the stereotype of 'lesbian' in your mind but i assure you- there are LOTS of women who are 'too pretty/dont look gay/wear makeup' and they gay as hell. in fact, most of the femmes i know are bigger dykes than the butch girls...underneath the makeup.
  • 'dont worry, one day god will show you the error of your ways, and will set you on the right path again in time. you have a great heart and i hate to see you go to hell'- thankfully i consider myself an atheist. so fuck that. furthermore, if i did, id wanna go to hell, a la BIGGIE!

it really does break my heart when i hear this happening, and unfortunately it happens all too often...why is america considered the home of the free and brave when we can encounter minds that are enslaved by hate, and full of fear?
so ladies, i wish you all luck.

stay strong...
we still have a long way to go.

Friday, August 14, 2009

random thoughts #10

insomniactic thoughts
they are crazy as hell

i used to think at night i had the most brilliant ideas, all of which escaped me when the morning sun came up.

so i got the simple idea of while being half asleep, writing down my incredible thoughts.
i did it for the first time last night, and frankly, well- i even floored myself. here (verbatim, no less) are some of the gems that flowed out of my head last night:
  • i need a pet. ideally something fun and emotive, so i could lie to myself and pretend that talking to my pet was actually a valid substitute for social interaction. i would like a jumbo-sized frog. like the size of my entire abdomen. i bet it would be plush to the touch and would eat birds.
  • id also like a duck. but a domestic duck that would go on walks with me. id have a harness for him and id name him franklin.
  • dinosaur + lion hybrid = awesome
  • dinosaur + rhino hybrid = BADA$$ (and you bet your sweet ass in my book i drew little dolla signs. i know- shits fly as hell)
  • the stereotypical, "crazy old lady" is in fact, not crazy. she goes home at night and 'turns off the crazy'. she sprays febreeze thats 'cat urine' scented as to further the 'crazy old cat lady' persona. its actually punishment in the old lady community to be the 'crazy one' for a time. but you are forced to do so if you were a bad old lady and break the code. think old lady fight club.
alright- the last one even i was like 'ashley...the fuck?!' but i wont lie- it was interesting to try. i always have this book with me, and even when completely awake i find myself writing in it. i wrote about a fun encounter i had with a new friend.

so i met a good friend of mines cousin. the cousin was adorable and very sweet. when we were leaving, she sneezed, and i said
'if hello kitty had a sneeze, that would be it. honestly- i swear you just sneezed hearts, stars, rainbows and magic.'

now, to me, thats a huge compliment. if i had to translate that from 'ashley speak' it would say, 'bless you miss. your sneeze was precious, and made me feel good inside' but instead, i just made her feel awkward and uncomfortable.
so, its friday- im gearing up for the weekend. and this one should be a big ol' pile of fun. tonight will be a little social gathering, saturday night will be a much larger social gathering (in honor of two beautiful baby ladies 21st bday) and then sunday and monday, d-bone and myself will be going to ocean city.

the plan was 'romantic getaway' but turns out, a handful of our friends are going down as well. i find it amusing that somehow we all tend to flock together, regardless- it will be fun. i have a few special tricks up my sleeves to really 'turn on the charm' with my lady.

if you enjoy getting little gifts, or sweet creative things, i suggest that you date someone with an overactive imagination. nothing makes me happier than showering the woman in my life with sweet little notes, interesting gifts, and precious what-nots. but its my intention- no no, my MISSION to make you something that you have never seen/received before.

have a beautiful weekend m'ladies!!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

chocolate city, usa

welcome to washington, dc
the chocolate city

we lost that title somehow. im sure it had something to do with being 'politically correct' as not to 'offend anyone'...but a fact is a fact. dc is made up of over 50% black people. so it not exactly out of line to call us, the chocolate city.

alright- as a white girl, maybe i cant be the person who spearheads this campaign, but for sake of THIS blog, lets just say that everyone knows that washington, dc is the chocolate city.
moving on.

so i try to spice up my life every now and again, by stepping outside of my comfort zone and looking to new horizons for visual pleasures. i mostly do this b/c im curious. i know i like certain types of starlets (daddy issues, red hair, hypersexual, addictive personality. read: lindsay lohan) but i CAN be attracted to others.

i found out recently that some sistas are looking good, damn good.
admittedly, i found this fact out by clicking the wrong porn link. but the ladies i saw were tone, and chocolaty. doesnt hurt that im a boobs and booty girl, and i dont think i need to reiterate any preexisting notions of black womens dumpers to let you know these women had some TURD CUTTERS.

i need to start a new paragraph just so marvel at the magnificence of a black girl booty. good lord, their bodies alone are put together in this beautiful, bubbly, soft yet hard way. now, i understand im making broad general statements, and generalizing people is WRONG, but im also objectifying women right now, so i think that most rules of cooth are out the window at this point. black women- bless you. your shapes are devine, but those fannies. oh man, its like i took a wad of playdoh, rolled it into a ball, then threw it up against a wall. it just sits there, as if to defy gravity and blow my mind constantly.
SO- i tip my hat to 55% of the DC population, well i suppose less than that, b/c my hat tip is only to the ladies. regardless, women of color- i salute you and am humbled by your beauty.

since im on the topic of dc, guess whos in the news again. my favorite lil fella, former mayor marion barry. ive spoken of him before on my blog, but he is always doing something new that has me thinking of him often.

the man has the PR team that rivals that of lilo and britney. you know they work HARD for their money, trying to constantly put a positive spin on their employers latest 'slip-up'. its beyond me, that a man who has steadily slipped downhill, still manages to hold a public office- and now, has an HBO special dedicated to him.

yah- a whole fucking SPECIAL! nine lives indeed- this man is superman. if superman smoked crack, hired/fired/gave money under the table to/allegedly stalked his ex girlfriend.
now, im selling him short. i will defend his earlier career. he was a tremendous advocate for civil rights, and rubbed arms with MLK jr back in the day. i understand what he DID, its that hes done so much worse now, and hes still idolized in a way.

when he was elected as dc council member it was laughable, at best; disheartening, at worst. why? b/c it proves how uneducated the voter must truly be. (for those who are unaware, the DC council is the equivalent to state senates. its the local legislative body...not exactly a slack job) and yet, this man who embarrassed dc once before, when 'the bitch set him up', has somehow gotten another job b/c of the people.

i suppose hes the ultimate american dream story.
really ashley? really? american dream right now?
of COURSE! this is why im obsessed with him. this man, paid his debt to society. he was a decent mayor, then got set up by the FBI and did his 6 months like any other crackhead in dc. he did tremendous things with his life when he was younger, and we forgive him. we look past everything, and reelect him. why? not b/c he actually is going to do a good job. hes made it clear that since his days involved in activism he has changed. he has made a constant mockery of himself by getting involved in shady situations.

we forgive him for past transgressions, embarrassments, and harassment/stalking charges b/c we just plain LIKE THE FELLA.

thats something to work towards.

but i will still roll my eyes every time barry pops up in the news with some new crazy outlandish story, but unlike with my princess lilo, i will not store the thoughts of marion barry away in a lil mind vault called 'alone time'.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

every good woman owns cuffs

SYTYCD is over, the lword is gone

new lesbian reality TV show alert!

sound the alarms ladies, there is a new show to watch and breathe in the lesbian undertones. i look for it in almost every show. admittedly, perhaps disney doesnt have any allusions to lesbians, but that wont stop me in my undying search for a lesbian connection to everything, even hannan montana..dare to dream, i know.

alright- so i personally have an healthy love for the entire discovery network. i dont watch much tv, but when i do, its only logo, the history channel, e!, discovery health, or investigation discovery. i learned of a new show a few weeks back that debuted on TLC this week. its got four, strong women who are hitting the streets nightly, defending our freedoms.this soon to be CLASSIC reality 'docu-series'- is called, the police women of broaward county!

it has some lame storyline of 'women, who can juggle it all. be a loving mom *insert stepfordwife-esque kitchen scene here*, and also lay down the law *insert tough guy being thrown to the ground by same woman*' blah blah blah. we all know women can kick our ass- we deal with them everyday, so what makes this show any different?
well- perhaps my shallow-side is showing, but 3/4 of the girls are pretty foxy.
and by pretty foxy i mean, 'ive never been a huge fan of cops, but dear lord i want to see them in action. frisk me for too long. dont alow me to call my attorney. hell- lock me in a holding cell with jerry falwell. i dont care, as long as you look into my eyes and call me 'ashley' (in a breathy, dreamy voice) while you read me my rights.'
im sure im not the only one whos given it some thought. please note i said 3/4 of the women were foxy. the other one- well. im not here to judge anyone but if she were to accoust me- my first thought would be, 'this queen needs to chillout'...but again- no judging.

so lets meet the ladies-
heres shelunda-
ok, i like her a lot. got a lot of spunk, but in all honesty, when i see her- im just thinkin 'rudy' from the cosby show.

heres ana-
girlfriends willing to do whatever it takes. no way in hell is my neurotic ass gonna finger a randos bootyhole b/c my job requires it. but kudos to her for being a better woman than i am.

heres julie-
i would never say she looks like a queen if she can kill me, dispose of my body properly and make sure my murder goes unsolved..
maybe i think she has more power than she does- regardless, here she is:

*cue whitney houston, best for last*
i did in fact, save the best for last-
meet andrea-
plain and simple? im a smitten kitten for her.
everything she does is just so perfect to me.
i want to have her in a snow globe on my nightstand...i mean that sweetly, not creepily.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

dyke swagga'

no one on the corners got-
dyke swagga like us!!

most dont know how to explain it exactly.. dyke swagga, i know it well. not b/c i have it- pfft yah RIGHT! if i had any swagga' at all it would only be as i tripped over my own feet and fell face first onto the pavement. holla!

its that little wiggle that happens when a secure strong lesbian, is strutting her stuff, with confidence grace and a whole lot of ass sass. whats ass sass you ask?

bahaha i just giggled b/c i sound like dr. seuss. anywho-
ass sass is like this subconscious booty roll that i swear to god is there. i talk to my lady about her swagga all the time. i know for sure is that im absolutely in love with any lady that has 'swagga'. her body moves just right whenever i see her walk by.

you know when a girl, or a boi tilts their head up, just right- so that their jawline really pops?
dyke swagga.
you know when a girl walks by- whos totally not your type, but you cant help but turn your head and give her props b/c mommas got it going on?
dyke swagga.
you know when you walk into a room and there is this presense- that while mildy creepy, is also calming- like a summer rainstorm?
thats just me thinking about things too much. lol

ive seen other ladies with it too. and my goodness, is confidence a beautiful thing. i mean- i cant explain where it comes from, i always assumed it was within, but maybe its a gay chromosome. a genetic mutation in that of a gay? oh wow- what if we could use genetic mapping to give gays special powers?!

ok- can i just call for team lesbian glitter in our bloodstream?? i know the gay boys are going to want that, and frankly they can have our birthing hips, and half of the rainbow (of the 'LGBT rainbow' of course!) but i demand glitter. its been far too long a thing of theirs. and if we cant have it, can we at LEAST share it? its not fair that only queens get to shimmer. i want beyonces glow as well! shit who am i kidding. no way in hell am i gonna ever have that glow, what with my freckly white skin!

if we had another power, id def say that we would get 'ex-ray vision'. yah thats right- not 'x' but your 'ex' in- we would have this terrible habit of seeing our ex, everywhere we didnt want to. WAIT! we already do have that! she pops up at the club, at a gas station, when you are out with your family who strongly disapproved of her. you know, really fun- socially appropriate times!

reelin' it back in. kinda got a little sidetracked, which turned into a tangent, unto which beget a rant. forgive me.
the swagga'- well, let me end with this. the swagga' aint just for pimps, hoes, and those afflicted with leg length discrepancy any longer. lesbians have that shit on lock, and it gives me shivers down my spine!

homemade mix cd's still make me smile

get happy! do handstands mix
by: adh; for: acl

my musical/lyrical soul mate sent me an incredible mix the other day.
its rare that i find someone who gets me in the way she does when it comes to my musical tastes.
check out some that i just cant seem to get off of repeat-

'ice cream' by muscles..what can i say, i just want to boogie hardcore to that song.
im talking possible anthem to my 'crocodile mile' play time.
thats saying a great deal.

the bird and the bee's 'tonight, you belong to me' is just about the sweetest lil song i ever did hear!
and on top of that, it takes me to wonderland and transforms me into alice.
so needless to im a fan.

the knife's 'heartbeat', has a hypnotic rhythm- and im always a sucker for interesting lyrics
i think its just that rhythm that lulls me away.

here is the mix in case you want to get inside both my, and my friend's head:
the bird and the bee- tonight you belong to me
muscles- ice cream
the concretes- you cant hurry love
annuals- mama
beach boys- dont worry, baby
bon iver- skinny love
passion pit- make light
camera obsura- lets get out of this country
derek white- baby, baby
the kills- tape song
the knife- heartbeats
rilo kiley- portions for foxes
ryan adams- so alive
martina topley- baby blue
joanna newsom- peach, plum, pair
tv on the radio- lovers day