Monday, August 24, 2009

things i love vs things i dont

things i love vs things i dont
b/c 'hate' is such a strong word

i love crafting.
arts and crafts twist my a very good way. there is no other activity that brings such joy to both my heart and mind. when one udders the word 'craft' i instantly go into a frenzy.
what shall i make?
what will it be used for?
will i give it away as a crafty gift?
should i get more craft supplies? (even though the answer to this is always 'no', i always seem to make a trip to the craft store, to buy handfuls of things i didnt intend to buy. fear not, theres a healthy amount of denial and flawed logic that goes into my argument of 'well, i will use this for another craft' or 'i just could not resist at the sight of them'.)
can i reuse any materials i already have? (when i pose this question, it leads to me ripping up every shirt/pair of jeans/wife beater i havent worn in the past month or two...ahh the beauty that is the destruction/creation cycle)
prepare to go off on a tangent with me-
if you too are a craft lover, i suggest you pickup the bible of crafting, the koran of artsy-fartsy, the manual to hipster-crafts; the big-ass book of crafts. got this book for my 22nd birthday from my friend alisha, it almost made up for the fact that 22 is a terrible birthday b/c its after 21 but closer to 25..aka nothing to celebrate. i digress, i LOVE this book. i went through the whole book and put post its on the crafts i wanted to do.
that turned into the latter half of the book.
its full of easy, incredibly beautiful little things to do.
sometimes i fear my love of crafts will turn me into a crazy craft lady..but thats not a bridge ive crossed yet. so i STILL HAVE MY DIGNITY.

i do not love playing flip cup
im a terrible lesbian stereotype, i know.
but look- i cant help it if im the ONE LESBIAN who, like heteroladies and twinks alike, lacks hand eye coordination.
sure, ill make a valiant effort.
sure, i will make loud noises and big arm gestures, like a frat boy (with no game) trying to intimidate all.
sure, the only thing i will succeed in is making everyone else feel like they are a flip cup GOD. but dont hassle me b/c im not as big a lush as you, and flippin' cups isnt my forte.



i love anything infused with grape.
(purple-grape flavor, NOT grape-grape flavor)
i hate to be a flavor snob, but watermelon, banana, sour apple, cherry- whatever, yall SUCK. grape is far and above, the most dynamic flavor ever created by man.
perhaps thats a bit generous, but if you know me even a little bit, you know my obsession with grape is far reaching.
first, lets address the issue of purple-grape vs grape-grape.
purple-grape is the grape flavoring we all know and love. while other flavors like banana and watermelon taste similar to their namesake, 'grape' flavored things, often taste nothing at all like actual grapes but more like what the color purple would taste like. ill be the first to agree that maybe i put a little bit too much thought into this, but i know that im dead on.
grape-grape is the juices of grape. that actually taste like a grape, generally b/c it does infact have bits of grape in it.

i do not love soco
(any longer)
im not a huge drinker. in fact often at the end of a year, i can count on 2 hands the times ive drank, and on one hand the amount of times that ive gotten shithouse, hammer-timed.
but when i do come to drink- i have my game face on!
read: im going to make some unhealthy, regrettable life choices, all of which we will laugh about later.
soco, the common nickname of southern comfort. which, as the name would imply, comes from the south, and does roll down the throat in a deliciously comfortable way. so why ashley, if this drink is so comfortable, do you refrain from guzzling it on the regular?
the first time i drank soco was at a baseball game. before i came out, i tried to play it straight- i was dating a boy who played baseball, and on thought it would be nice to take me to a local high schools game.
sounds unassuming enough.
now mind you, at this point in my life, i knew that something was 'off' with me. i didnt want to admit i was gay, but i knew that i was nothing like my friends..and i loved seeing them naked. but of course all of this was kept under lock and key- until our date.
it was my own fault, i tried to impress him. and by impress him, i mean destroy a 12 oz bottle of soco in the first few innings. needless to say, i was delightfully charming the rest of the game. from what i can remember i began to heckle the opposing team, and cursed a great deal.
being a gentleman, he suggested we retire to the car for a bit, before he took me home. this is where it gets really blurry; initially, i thought the night unfolded as follows:
we got to my house, pull into the driveway. we talked a lot, and then i remember kissing him goodnight. i also vaguely remember my grandmother coming out and making an appearance.
yah right ashley. thats not at all what happend.
what really happened:
we got to my house, pull into the driveway. we began talking about how i would love to have sex someday with a fella; provided that the man had boobs, tucked it under, and for all intensive purposes- was a lady.
wait- it gets even better.
apparently i would not shut up about tits and twat all night. we somehow landed behind my fathers '79 camero, half naked- as i was attempting to urinate.
my quest for bladder expulsion lead me back into the house. i only know this for sure b/c at 4am my mother came down into the kitchen to find me passed out with no pants on. where she proceeded to ask if i was drunk, all i could udder was a laundry list of 'curse word hybrids' that i made up (when you mash up two curse words that would not normally be strung together- i.e. fucktwat, cuntshit...)
so what did i gain from my night with soco?
well, the boy broke up with me after that night, and didnt tell me for a year why he did. it wasnt until i came out that he said 'i knew you were gay- you practically told me that night'.
shockingly, he has gone on to become one of my closest boy-friends, and
we still hang out
i also realized that soco turns me into a classy, foul-mouthed, naked lady..and thus, i no longer love soco.


i love the word 'supple'
simply put, the way the female mouth moves in order to make the sound for the word 'supple' is the sexist movement of them all. my personal favorite- is the pop of the lips that is made when the 'pple' sound is made. mm.

i do not love the word 'horny'
if you want to get laid, stop- for the love of god- using this archaic, nasty word.
agh, just the sound of this word drums up a picture of an overweight, middle aged man, sweating in his mothers basement, while googling anime porn.
seriously- who the fuck thinks saying 'im horny' is going to get you anywhere. i only can support using this word if you are making a pun, as if to say 'i in fact HAVE HORNS' *hilarity ensues* but if you are attempting to use this word to describe your level of arousal, then you sir/maam are a douchebag, and if you take a trip to 'hornytown', then my vagina will take a trip to 'lockdowntown'.


i love unicorns
mystical doesnt even begin to describe the majesty that is a unicorn.
not sure what it is excatly. clearly, its got to be the horn- b/c i couldnt give to shits about a horse, but a unicorn- well hell, lemme know all about it.

fuck that noise- i love all mystical creatures.
haha trick question. i win.

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