Friday, October 30, 2009

dont hate, appreciate

dont hate

not to long ago the girlfriend of a friend of mine posted some new photos online, being of the 'social-networking generation' (aka the most voyeuristic generation to date) of course i flipped through. at the time, it mattered very little that i dont really know the girls girlfriend, nor any of the people photographed. i was just flipping through shit- i stumbled across one photo where the girl looked very nice..or at least noticeably nicer than she did in the previous photos. i commented on one, 'hottie'.

thats it- not 'i want to sleep with you'; not 'damn girl, you stacked'; not even 'leave your girlfriend for me, im more desirable and wittier than her'. nay my friends, i simply said 'hottie'- i know candy hearts that are more explicit with their sentiments. i didnt think anything of it until about 5 minutes later when i got a text essentially telling me to step off of my friends girlfriend, from my friend.

from 'hottie' to 'i want to be all up in your girls shit' in no time flat- jumping to conclusions 101!

in case there was any doubt in anyones mind- im not in the girlfriend stealing business; im not in the cheating on my girlfriend business; but i also dont think its wrong to let a woman know when she is looking good. whats wrong with our world if i cant tell a lady she is working it and i noticed? i know far too many girls dont hear it enough. 'you look beautiful today' should not be confused with 'im trying to get naked with you'.

we all know that women need/deserve to hear positive reinforcement. hell- everyone deserves a compliment every now and then, and if its warranted then why the fuck not? i firmly believe in putting good into the world and admittedly i may take this a step too far, what with my complimenting strangers when i walk into work or talking to people that reason tells me to be terrified of but my heart says they are lonely and need a friend. its a sad day when i admit that too many people out there assume the worst.

my friend assumed i was trying to plant the seed of ashley inside her girlfriend, when in reality i was just trying to be nice and genuine. (10 points to anyone else who know has the seed by the roots now stuck in their head!) why do we do this?? you are at a bar, another girl tells your girlfriend she looks great- what do you do?

perhaps its just proof that everyone functions differently in relationships, but my girlfriend and i have an understanding- yes, we are 100% committed to each other, but we arent dead. i know my hotblooded baby still has a pulse, and still finds other women attractive. i have no issue with her saying, 'look at the fanny on that girl' (granted, she would never say fanny- pretty sure thats just me) and she has no issue with me telling her about attractive women. i guess we dont really have much of a jealousy problem- but even if you do have a jealousy issue in your relationship, there is no harm in compliments.

if someone is checking out my precious lady dove, do i flip a shit and throw down some bones? well, as that would most likely end in me getting me teeth smashed in, or more realistically- me engaging in some sort of witty banter with said girl- the short answer is no. no- i would not flip out- and why should i? i obviously find her absurdly attractive, and if other women see that as well it does nothing but reassure me that im one lucky little duck to have this beautiful woman WILLINGLY by my side regularly.

my whole argument in this situation makes it clear that im a trusting person, and thats really what this boils down to. i trust that my girlfriend loves me as i love her- so i dont worry about her ever acting on anything..and vice versa. when it comes to those that are close to me, they know- i have no problem telling you how fabulous your rack looks...but thats where it ends. i never have, or would (or play any part in facilitating) cheating. ive been hurt that way before but moreover its not my character to participate in those sorts of shenanigans.

i implore you all to go out, and if you see a beautiful woman- let her know. however, if her girlfriend tries to shank you- run.
but not before you let her know you were just appreciating her girl, not trying to mack on her. come on ladies- lets spread the love around, hell- lets go crazy and all hug.
naked? alright, i took it too far just now- have a safe and happy halloween everyone!

you sir, are an ass

State Senator Ken Cuccinelli
(Republican-Fairfax, VA)

“My view is that homosexual acts, not homosexuality, but homosexual acts are wrong. They’re intrinsically wrong. And I think in a natural law based country it’s appropriate to have policies that reflect that. ... They don’t comport with natural law. I happen to think that it represents (to put it politely; I need my thesaurus to be polite) behavior that is not healthy to an individual and in aggregate is not healthy to society.”
-Mr. Ken Cuccinelli

read more, draw your own conclusions.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

random thought #20

music, thoughts, velcro
humpday thoughts

  • first and foremost, i have got to get a few songs out of my dome piece right now..
    **my friend marvin is a dj (aka the clown prince) and he gives me fun songs daily- this was todays gem.
    florence+ the machine- youve got the love

    **i dont care if you blaze or not- this song is catchy, amazing, and one of my favorites.
    brazilian girls- pussy

    ** what a beautiful day this was:

    **personally, one of the best remixes ive heard- and such a sexy, provocative song..its how i envision i walk into a party. dont lie- you have a song playing in your head too. now, im honest enough to admit that when i enter a party it would more appropriate to play something a bit more lame, something that has maybe a trip hop beat. you know, that would be easy to play off something like walking into tables or tripping down stairs..agh whatever- ill stick with mr. manson as my soundtrack.

    **such a beautiful song, and i think the reason why im in love with gregory and the hawk because they always seem produce poetic lyrics. i think im partial to anything thats well written, or at least rooted in the written word..

    **my heart yearns for the west coast sun on my precious baby face. this song does nothing but make me want to go back to my best friend jill in san fran.

    **my girlfriend introduced me to these virginia natives a while back, and after i went to their concert (with mambo sauce) they really hit me. absolutely love their work- ive talked about them before- but i really feel people shy away from reggae, soulful, powerful, and meaningful music. its not the 'stanky leg' but i promise it will make you feel something. i love SOJA...

    **finishing off with a fun combo of weezer and lil wayne. lol i love hearing him sing this song- in those buddy holly glasses. i bet you cant stop partying you fun fella
    weezer + lil wayne- cant stop partying

  • i was pretty bummed some news regarding my social life, and it was disappointing.
    with the information i got- i was prompted to vent this:
    we as humans are required to be selfish sometimes- its called self preservation. never allow anyone to make you feel as if focusing on yourself is a bad thing from time to time. most of my close friends know i cycle around. when i start to feel a bad wave crashing in my life, or im particularly susceptible to stress- i have to address it. im not going anywhere, but you will find times that i retreat into my own head. if i dont take self inventory regularly, im liable to go insane.
    the case is true for anyone (regardless of whether or not you agree with me). you have to put yourself first at some point in order to survive- no question about it.
    i used to spread myself so thin, and ignore any inkling of an emotion inside of me. i lived to make others happy. im still painfully empathetic with my friends, but ive learned that if im not genuinely happy i cannot make anyone else feel that way. ive learned that im not an awful friend if i address myself. and furthermore, who is more invested in helping me, than ME? is it so wrong to say
    'im sorry that you are hurting , and i can provide a hug and a few words of wisdom, but i have to work on me right now'? thats not wrong.
    i think its wrong to
    consistently put yourself over others.
    i think its wrong to take from people without ever expecting to give.
    but more than anything, i think its wrong to use words to stab a friend just to see them bleed. its easy to forget how these words, these symbols we have created, when strung together can completely tare a person down.
    i dont honestly believe i am a bad friend. i take that very, very personally and if you believe that i am- then dont associate with me. but i know when im capable (and even when im not, 100%) i will bend over backwards and run through fire for those i call my 'friends'.
    hell- id even defend you in a court of law-
    please remember that. i value your friendship, as long as you value mine.

  • the topic of 'self medication' and 'vices' came up today with me and a few people.
    i felt that while not always healthy, that self medication and vices were necessary- and if not that, at least they were normal. that whether or not we own up to it, we all have unhealthy habits/neurosis/issues that we hold on to until we are strong enough to let them go (or weak enough to replace them).
    a girl snapped at me saying that we all should attempt to live a life that is too enlightened to smoke, or drink, or whatever your thing is. (it was at this point i realized she didnt want to actually have an intellectual conversation, but rather hop on her 'drugs, drinking, sex, and anything unholy is wrong' soapbox, and be unwilling to even listen to the other side)
    it was at this point that the reformed stoner came into the conversation. (almost out of nowhere- it was as if he was waiting in the wings, and at the very mention of drugs *BAM* thats his cue) he looked at her and said 'really? you are going to tell ME how to become enlightened?' the girl nodded and said, 'you just dont understand because you havent ever lead a clean, wholesome, vice-free life.' the reformed stoner chuckled and told the girl to shutup because she has a secret stash of ho-hos in her desk drawer.
    i, maturely, high fived him and we walked away.

  • no, i do not owe you my internet friendship because we went to elementary school together, or because in high school we knew eachothers name. it makes me feel weird because you never talked to me- i know you are just trying to get your 'stalk' on.

  • i really wish i were a guy sometimes- only because if i were- i would want to get some sweet ink on my pecs.
    that and id love to pretend my woozle was the wand from harry potter. id roll up into a room all naked, and just go 'wingardium leviosa', then put a flashlight spotlight on my lil fella.

  • i wore my velcro shoes today. yes- the very ones you see beneath you.
    why, you ask?
    meh..hell if i know.
    i just enjoy them because they say, 'im classy enough to wear shoes, but i clearly dont feel this is a situation where laces need to be present'...which sometimes is misinterpreted as 'im lazy as fuck, and like the sound that velcro makes' (which is equally as true)

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

fun facebook finds

fun facebook finds
i love alliterative strings of words

i enjoy facebook, but i enjoy my witty friends (or those with open profiles) the most.

whilst reading up on my mother (shes a fan of the quizzes on facebook...some of her favorites include, 'what ghetto name would you have'- in her defense she went to the high school where remember the titans took place...not that it means much because the quiz is still derogatory and super offensive but what do i know, 'what candy represents your personality' *rolls eyes* seriously, who asked them self that question and then thought 'this would be a great idea for a quiz on facebook!', and other perfectly logical quizzes) i noted her personal information section, and i must say- she really did cover all of her bases and accurately portrayed her true self. god bless my precious mother.

to the right side of my blog you will see that you can become a 'fan' of lesbifriends on facebook, i was flipping through the fans ive accrued thusfar- half of them arent actually my friends on facebook but some have open profiles.
let the stalking commence ladies!

one lady had me rolling with laughter- alright, rolling is a bit dramatic. i wasnt on E or actually physically rolling as much as i was pretty smitten with her simple (yet powerful) 'about me'. miss whoever you are- i applaud you and would totally wear a t-shirt expressing this same sentiment.

my friends are funny people. i surround myself with attractive, witty, intelligent women (and a couple of fellas i suppose). now NOTHING makes someone feel better than a clever quip from a friend, especially post-breakup. when my heart was broken, i found this from my friend natalie on a photo of my ex and myself.

now generally, i think being caddy after a breakup is tacky and counterproductive to your overall well being- but sometimes, you need someone to be snarky for you.

speaking of being snarky- i must introduce you all to one of my funniest friends, miss jarvis. we get along so well because our minds function in similar ways- we love clever zingers, boobs, quotes/inspirational photos. we both also have a mildly creepy porn obsession, and an all around kick ass personality (her, not me, im awful). she has been that friend who has gone through shitty situations with me, only because our lives tend to mirror each others- albeit relationshipwise.

miss jarvis is coming up on her 21st birthday- and she dropped this nugget of knowledge on me- the girl is a genius, and a saint. also is a blast to talk to when shes KO'd on ambien.

moving along, i do find some things on facebook terrifying. now ladies, i know that for the most part, we all have periods. i also know that its natural and nothing to be ashamed of- however i dont want to read about it on my mini-feed. i dont mind if you allude to it, but to be full on graphic about your flow is just rude. now poop? poop is hilarious and is never inappropriate.
now i know that im on a boat with this one, but i really feel like poop is universal and should not be vilified. do i want to know the consistency or girth of your load- no, no i do not. but will i punish you for talking about a turd? HELL NO.

see this love?
i guess the more appropriate question would be, do you see what my girlfriend has been putting up with all this time?

**also- a back story...there are a few words i absolutely detest the sound of. the words 'tit' and 'horny' are two of my least favorite words. tit, in its singular form is just so aggressive, so abrupt, so- disrespectful to the majesty that is the female breast. and horny- agh, nothin makes me feel like a molester is lurking around the corner quite like hearing 'horny'. if one ever says 'ashley, im horny' id be liable to spear you with a horn- how pun-ny would that be?! ahh?? no? god i really found that amusing.
now im laughing at my own jokes- whilst allowing my internal monologue to slip out into my blog.
time to stop.

have a fabulous tuesday friends, i hope you enjoyed these fun facebook finds i found. (dont alliterations feel good??)

Monday, October 26, 2009

case of the mondays

just a case of the mondays?
or a life lesson?

i will be the first to admit, outwardly- i appear to be a bit of a priss. i hate to admit that because i fear it reinforces the notion that i AM one, which couldnt be further from the truth. so ill take a hit in my pride while i say, yes- im tall and slender, i wear a splash of makeup on any given day, and ill be damned if i dont have my chap stick with me (thats not necessarily a prissy trait..but its true none the less). but let me tell you something buster, looks can be deceiving. i may look a certain way, but just try and tell me i cant do something because of that- and ill show you i can, in spite of that.

alright- moving right along, a man cut me off today. i had just begun my commute and was trying to just let it roll off my back, unfortunately said man proceeded to make me think he was going to hit me (what with his erratic driving, texting and violent fist shaking at other drivers) so i swerved to miss him. i did in fact miss him, but i did not miss the curb. viola- ashley gets a flat tire on the way to work, on a monday no less.

i call my father first to tell him i did something wrong again whilst rolling around carefree in the cruiser. (i am notorious for misreading my gauges and going thousands of miles over my oil changes, or doing fun things like running over things i shouldnt and subsequently needing new tires) he assures me that while ive never done it before i can replace the tire, but also tells me hes in DC and will be leaving in 45 mins so that he can come help me. i then call work to tell them i wont be in on time, all this time im crying.

please dont tell me im being hyper emotional, this week is a big one for me. im all worked up over a meeting i have tomrrow morning that ive been trying to land for months. (if you are a regular reader, you may remember when i mentioned i sent in a 2 foot tall cardboard cutout of myself to a new prospective employer, and he had not gotten the chance to get back in touch with me. well, after two months, several calls, a few emails- ashley has got her shot! persistence, or sheer disbelief that someone wouldnt want to talk to me, really does pay off!!)

i knew i was going to get anxious this week, so i was trying to put good energy into the world. keep my world at a slower pace so as not to get overwhelmed, try to remain focused and calm, but most of all remain confident in myself. i have this annoying ability to second guess myself in the clutch. when it comes to new things that i know im capable of doing yet havent before, i try to talk myself out of doing them by saying, 'how do you know you can do this if you never have before? you are lying to these people by saying you are do you KNOW?' i was trying to fight that this time, why? because i fucking GOT THIS SHIT ON LOCK! also because i fully disclosed my work history to this gentlemen and in spite of that- hes giving me a shot...thats all i need to bl0w him away. i know realistically my work history is exemplary for my age, and i know my work ethic makes it possible for me to accomplish anything but if i allow negative thoughts to get into my head- then they will appear outwardly in my world.

so it would be almost poetic that i decided to tango with the curb and loose horribly today. it would normally set my day into a tailspin, and in a domino like fashion, i would allow that sourpuss outlook to infiltrate the rest of my week. but this was different- it wasnt just 'oh fuck my tires flat' it also had shades of 'i seriously have no idea if i can actually do this on my own or not'. it wasnt until i was told several times 'dont worry, ill call someone to come help you'. that i said, 'fuck this noise- i can do this. ALL BY MYSELF'

problem is- i seriously have no idea what im doing. so i got a few quick tips from my father, and obviously my girlfriend, (thats what lesbians are for right?) i get my hands dirty and start fondling my tires. as i mentioned earlier i have had run ins with flats before, but ive never been alone when its happened. last time i had to get all new tires, which also means the last time my tires were put on it was buy an air gun- meaning my hand cranking of the lug nuts is next to impossible.

at one point, i sat on the curb covered in dirt and had an ugly cry. you know the one, when you start to have bubbles of snot sneaking out of your nose, and you look downright nasty. passersby must have thought i was a used up hooker or something equally as depressing. i didnt think i was going to be able to do it on my own. i didnt think i had the strength, id have to wait until help arrived. as i was looking at this tire, all i could think about was the meeting scheduled for the next day. after an hour of the most physical labor my 9 inch biceps have seen in years, i fucking kicked the shit out of that flat tire, and made it my bitch.

when i finally did get to work, one of my coworkers stopped me on my way to my cube, 'what a shitty start to the week huh? it would seem your monday has been pretty awful, am i right?' i smiled and kept walking to my seat. i thought about it- and he was wrong. my day wasnt awful because of a flat tire, are you kidding me? it has been an amazing day. because thats how i choose to see it.

my logic is simple. the situation with my tire mirrors my fears about this meeting to a 't'. part of me is fearful that i dont have what it takes to impress the people im trying to impress, that i in some way am incapable of preforming at the level that a job with them would require. and in life, its not uncommon for doubt to slip into our minds, but we dont have to let it park in there and light up a cigarette. sure, i get down on myself from time to time, but if i take a step back i can ALWAYS change my perspective.

it would have been easy for me to say, 'call AAA, have them fix my tire.'
it would have been easy for me to say, 'im unqualified for this job, why even bother?'
but i refuse to sell myself short.
if i want to constantly grow as a person, im going to constantly have to try new things, right?
i will have to put myself in uncomfortable situations over and over again, because if i dont i will become complacent in my life.
and to me- to become complacent in ones life is to die while living...what a waste.

so, was i having a case of the mondays? most definitely, but my case of the mondays included learning a life lesson and gaining a new skill- as well as a new perspective.

Friday, October 23, 2009

'im DONE with girls'

lesbians cry 'heterosexual'
straight chicks shout 'lesbian'

it seems as if every time a lesbian suffers a set back in love, she instantly jumps to the most rational conclusion- become straight.

(alright- i will also say, it seems as if every time a straight girl suffers a set back in love, she instantly jumps to the most rational conclusion- become a lesbian. and while rare, ive heard several gay men suffer heartbreaks, and they too want to solve their problems. how? become straight of course!)

why is it that we all want to throw up our hands and give up so easily? its one thing to be beaten down by a relationship, but a complete other to denounce our sexuality as a whole. now sure- im taking these peoples statements a bit too literally but for blogs sake im running with this one.

a few years ago a friend of mine claimed she was going to be a-sexual. she had just gotten out of a relationship that was 'emotionally draining' for her (read: she and her ex were an unhealthy combo of crazy, they also resided on different continents for the latter part of their relationship, didnt particularly like each other, they shared a firey temper and both cheated on each other throughout their several month long courtship) she announced that she felt people in general were just too much to deal with on any other level than 'acquaintance', and for that reason she was going to make a conscious effort to avoid ANY sort of relationship. she claimed this all was necessary to 'protect herself'.

because ostracizing oneself is a great way to protect oneself. pfft, yah right- that would explain why solitary confinement has been a staple in our crime and punishment system for years, also our mental health makes you go crazy! its counterproductive, perhaps REFLECTION would do you better than blaming all the other chicks in the world because you had a nutty experience with one.

i have heard it all- from 'im going to be a-sexual', to 'you know- i really see very little morally wrong with being involved in a relationship with my cat'. (and for the record, there is indeed something VERY wrong with being solely involved with your pet, unless your pet was something mystical and rad as hell- ex: fire breathing dragon, a narwhal, or a liger. only then i could get down with the idea of you and your pet going on dates.)

why do we constantly do this to ourselves? gay or straight- you can agree, when someone who has earned your trust then turns around and violates it by hurting you in some way, its only natural to recoil. but to swear off an entire gender? well thats just being a bit hasty, now isnt it? ALL women didnt wrong you- that crazy bitch who cheated on you with your best friend and then had the gall to kiss you afterwards did! it isnt EVERY SINGLE GIRL that treats you like shit- its that you are attracted to the same type of girl who constantly mistreats you! its very easy to forget that we could possibly play any hand in letting crazies into our lives...but often times, when a pattern emerges in someones life- its not everyone elses fault, but our own.

when i hear lesbians say 'im done with girls' its because they have been hurt and dont want it to happen again. but there are also the cases of those who just have been terribly unlucky in meeting new girls, and they want to 'give up' due to sheer apathy. to those i say- hold out hope..there are great people out there, every day they surround you, but its up to you and shake their hand.

but along that line of thinking, why do people always feel the need to be in love, or be searching for it? is it really so bad to depend on yourself for comfort and solace? a lonely life isnt all that bad, if you think about all the people who are living that same life with you. i know what i am searching for in life, what truly excites me is making a connection. the moment when you have to stop and go, 'wow, we are all essentially the same machine, and yet we all function so incredibly differently. its exciting to think about sharing a moment with a person where you feel the same..the fact that we can ever feel the same as another human being is mind boggling.' when you are really connecting with another person on a basic, raw, real level. when you talk and you look into someones eyes, and you can really see what they are feeling- no matter how much they try to hide it. when you sit down and have a conversation with a complete stranger, and when you leave you feel like your life would not be the same if you hadnt shared that one moment with them. its in these moments that i feel love.

you dont need to have a partner by your side in order to feel that kind of real love, you just need to tune in and connect to people. so keep your chin up little ladies, i know sometimes women can be cruel...hell, i know sometimes the world can be- but all you can do is know that whatever energy you put out into this world, you will get tenfold. even in our times of unbearable pain, always keep the light of optimism burning bright! and if you dont, ill go ahead and take the liberties of lighting it for you- because i got cho back!

Thursday, October 22, 2009

get the tissue ready...

philip spooner
WWII vet, and hero

"I am here today because of a conversation I had last June when I was voting. A woman at my polling place asked me, "Do you believe in equal, equality for gay and lesbian people?" I was pretty surprised to be asked a question like that. It made no sense to me. Finally I asked her, "What do you think our boys fought for at Omaha Beach?" I haven't seen much, so much blood and guts, so much suffering, much sacrifice. For what? For freedom and equality. These are the values that give America a great nation, one worth dying for."

proof that the cycle of hate in this nation, can be broken. no matter what age, party, or religious affiliation you are- you cant argue that 'all (wo)men are created equal'...its high time we start treating each other like it.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

random thought #19

some thoughts
to think about
  • i find it hilarious when lesbians eat at lebanese places- and yes, for no other reason than the visual, literary pun. i dont even know if that would qualify as a pun- i suppose its more 'the uneducated will find this situation comical as lesbian sounds a bit like lebanese'.
    whatever the case may be, i like it.

  • heres a lesbian tale for you:
    once upon a time there was a fair maiden, and she lusted after the fairest maiden in the land. they began to meet up for secret rendezvous, until one day old man jacobi caught them holding hands. when he asked them what they were doing, they claimed that when they met weeks ago, they had fallen in love. old man jacobi laughed hysterically and proclaimed, 'you all are such lesbians' the women, taken aback and such crass words (given its inappropriateness for the time period) shouted, 'what makes you say that? the fact that we love one another?!' the old man slyly replied, 'no- because it only took you a few weeks to find it out!'
    not all lesbians jump into love...but those who dont only seem to see those who do around us all the time.

  • i think there is a rouge group of 'bisexual' vigilantes out there thats ruining the bisexual title for millions.
    i have many bisexual friends whom i believe are really bisexual. they dont see gender when it comes to people, they love people in general and have dated men and women. to those bisexuals- im not talking about you all. you guys are cool in my book...
    i have issue with the group of 'bisexuals' who use the title as a sexy little scarlet letter of shit. the young ladies who kiss their friends in hopes of gaining attention from the opposite sex make me sad- very very sad.
    deep down, i know its just a sign of the times and there is little i can do about it- but its disheartening.

  • on a brighter note- this made me chuckle a great deal...mostly because i cant pinpoint if these fellas are of a homosexual persuasion, and if they are straight i dont know if they realize how many gay men are in love with this video and their constant dude fanny touching.

    and while im contacting my innertwink- im in LOVE with kim from real housewives of atlanta...sure maybe its because i wish i was the only white woman on a black show- or maybe its because she chain smokes in her fancy house..either way- you know whats up, dont be tardy.

  • you know you are at a lesbian social gathering when...
    -someone shares their coming out story
    -flannel, tattered jeans, beer pong are not only present, but the majority
    -someones ex is there and
    shits going DOWN

  • sometimes when im bored, i go on craigslists in different cities and write secret love notes to my girlfriend under 'missed connections'.
    even she doesnt know i do it. ;-)

questions answered


some people ask me why im often intimidated by baltimore lesbians.
simple answer is- i couldnt punch a wall if i needed to defend myself, let alone a hot LESBIAN!
the implication being that often times, baltimore girls are a bit feistier than others.
this could just be my opinion or i could have a point-
dont go breakin their heart!!

Monday, October 19, 2009

sweet nothings

sweet nothings
or gross sentiments of love

many have asked me, 'ashley- how does one keep the spark alive in a long term relationship?'
pfft, hell if i know- i know my idea of 'sweet' often can be misconstrued as 'crass' or 'foul'.

im just lucky that my gem of a gal finds my 'sweet nothings' as precious and full of love.

i dont know about you, but that statement is more true than a simple 'i love you'.

weekend wrap-up

weekend wrap up:
sister is engaged- i cant legally 'one up' her

this weekend was impressive as far as weekends go in my book. as of late ive been ok with relaxing most of the weekend, and possibly going out once or twice- alright who am i kidding. i have transformed my once party hungry girlfriend into the most superb cuddler/dexter-watching-buddy around. she once was double fisting it regularly, now she listens to me drone on for hours about daydreams, politics, dinosaurs, the fate of the world and traffic patterns (we have been over how lame i am, this shouldnt be shocking.) now if you are a party animal im sure this doesnt sound as appealing to you, but if you are someone who enjoys a nice night in once in a while- we are your own personal jesus.

with all of that said, when my girlfriend and i make a conscious choice to go out and let loose, we go big..god i cant even lie on my own blog. SHE lets loose. SHE will kick your ass in beer pong. SHE will shotgun a beer with your mother. myself?? i come up with some really witty zingers at partys, i have a running social commentary in my head that i refuse to let out because it would be rude and disrespectful- however proves to be quite comical for me. dont get me wrong- im fun, i promise you will have an amazing time with me- i just in no way could/would ever drink you under the table. its understood that drinking isnt my normal vice of choice but i made a point of focusing on the sauce this weekend (and its clear by 'focusing on the sauce' i mean '5 shots and 5 beers over the course of the weekend was MORE THAN ENOUGH for babygirl', but that sounds way less attractive than how it was originally worded.)

so- friday night, party at my girlfriends + her roommates place. remember the former 'lesbian frat house'? well they have cleaned things up a bit. apparently moving towards the mid to late twenties means one should take down some of the posters of bob marley, clean up the half chewed up hot dog someone stuck to the wall, and also fold up the beer pong table during the week- its just classier. i chose not to drink this night, as saturday was the day i was gearing up for- but you bet your ass that my abstaining from alcohol did not stop anyone else.

its weird, i may enjoy staying in- but i LOVE meeting new people, and friday the lesbians reproduced (in- lets be real) the only way they can. propagating new lesbian friends is what we do best. it seems every lesbian has some friends they they have been hiding for years, or a new crew of lesbians just pop up overnight. this is what i like to call the lesbian version of 'hide-and-seek'. sure heteros have been playing this game with their kids for years, but lesbians have perfected the art of being seen without being seen. the lesbian version of hide-and-seek explains why when new 'womens nights' pop up around the area, they start off strong then begin to fizzle. i dont know where they are all hiding yet- but know this lesbians, im coming for you all. i know their are a bunch of you out there. i will hunt you down (in a fun and playful way, not like im going to wrap you up in a tarp and kill you!) and make a note of your location.

i met a new friend named 'rado' this weekend.
my name is ashley.
and just to reiterate- her name was 'rado'.
now, perhaps im just getting caught up in the minor details of life- but my name has been in the top 15 popular baby names over the past 2 decades..its safe to say, you know another ashley- you probably even know one who spells it leigh, or lee. (im aware their are other ways to spell it but they are stupid and phonetic. i am not a fan.)
couldnt my parents have thought of ANYTHING other than arguably the most popular name in the united states?
my dad still claims, 'we did it so you could shine THROUGH your name'.
for some reason i really doubt my parents were thinking about being ironic when they named me, but i like the story so i believe it.
i digress..

moving on to sister got engaged this weekend, and our family was a part of it. her boyfriend of 7 years dropped down to his knee in the rain and slapped a d on her finger...and it was after this point that my drinking on saturday began.

it was a little after 4pm.
never too soon!!
after 2 tequila shots, and 2 corona lights- i turned into this gem, as did my blushing-soon-to-be-bride sister (that would be me, grabbing my sisters bosom, and her taking a hunk out of my face.) im really impressed with our mutual lightweightedness when it comes to drinking, i argue it makes us fun- she says we are cheap dates- my parents ask us not to drink heavily when together (or at all for that matter.) i couldnt imagine why. the entire ride home (which consisted of my sisters friend, my girlfriend, myself, and my parents) i kept saying inappropriate things loudly. i capped the ride off with a conversation about the sensitivity and under utilization of the anal region. which shockingly, didnt go over well. who knew?

so danielle and i decide to nap it out until the party that night at my friend stancils & dees. someone should have warned me ahead of time that when i awoke a few hours later i would feel like i had a hangover and id smell like lime, tequila, and a dash of BO- but that didnt happen, so i woke up to that surprise all on my own. we finally manage to get our shit together and go to the party.

this party was the type of party where you are semi-comfortable, as you know a handful of people there. you can wonder around and mingle no problem, but there are defiantly a shit ton more people there that you do NOT know but they seem interesting so why not.
why not?
oh, 'why not' was answered this weekend. why not is a lot of partial nudity- and not the good kind. (its interpretive, so i understand why a lesbian may raise an eyebrow or two at male nudity) but as with every party where lesbians are present, the girls stepped it up. once i saw a few fellas loose their shirts, a couple of lesbians jumped in- and ill be damned if i didnt see a nipple. now- the nipple sighting was later brought into question as the lovely lady who let hers pop out claimed 'it never happened'. i, of course, agreed with her to help her save face- but just so everyone is clear, i never mistake a nipple.

i went outside, as im doing a great job of quitting cigarettes, and a man introduced himself as 'mouse'. i introduced myself as 'rascal' but then later admitted i dont look like a rascal, he agreed and said he didnt look much like a mouse either. i went on to tell him that he did indeed remind me of a mouse, and if he were any one he would be fifel of fifel goes west. i told him that he should go west.
ashley should not always fulfill her urges to talk to strangers, especially when drinking.

when i returned i saw lesbians running the make-shift beer pong table. well way to go team! a number of them in only their bras and pants (sports bras of course.) as the night turned into morning and it was clear no more nipples were coming out to play, we decided to retire for the evening and return home. the party was a great one, and many left blacked out. all in all- 5 party hats out of 5!

recap- my sister is going to have a bachelorette party (and also getting married, but i know which one shes more excited about- hello classy lady STRIP CLUBS!), i drank saturday night and thus have met my liquid quota for a good few months, and cant fool me-
i saw your nipple this weekend.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

no homo etiquette

no homo?
totally homo.

when kayne told the world that everyone was on his dick, he was quick to clarify- no homo. lil wayne alerted the nation that he had money coming out of his ass- but no homo. and the arguably forgettable cam'ron told us all to suck a dick- but again, no homo.

gentlemen, gentlemen- i dont think anyone is questioning your sexuality (alright kayne, you are starting to push it) so why do you all feel the need to defend yourself after every half homo-erotic statement you make?! just stop talking about dicks and asses so much..that might help. dont get me wrong, im not hear to judge- in fact, i often whip out the 'no homo' line. although, being a homo, my 'no homo' delivery comes off as more witty and ironic than a hate filled slogan coined by 'not homosexual' rappers.

just as any other mildly offensive statement, there are dos and donts to proper 'no homo' usage. i think its important for everyone, gay- straight- or otherwise, to know how to use this term properly, and thus maximizing the opportunities for you to seem topical with this trendy, borderline offensive, phrase.

use it in the ironic way.
ex: go up to an attractive straight girlfriend of yours and state, 'your breasts are looking marvelous today- no homo'

its alright for one to use the phrase in this manner- a way that has a touch of irony and wit to it. for you see- i am in fact saying something that is very homosexual in nature, and thus the end point of 'no homo' is funny- not offensive!!

be kayne west, and say something douchey about your dick and shout NO HOMO afterwards because then shits cool and people know you are most definitely NOT gay. *rolls eyes*

just a blanket word of caution: if you arent gay, i really dont think you should be saying 'no homo' at all. when i hear a straight man shouting 'no homo brah- no homo', more than likely hes doing something like touching his friends bluge, and i assume that he does like the touch of a man, but is too shy/homophobic to admit it. moreover, regardless of what you are or are not trying to hide, it never works in the fun way it does in your head...nope- just makes you seem like a hateful douche bag.
straight boys? stop saying no homo- thats all.

pair an innocuous phrase with 'no homo', and let the offensive hilarity begin!
note: this is ONLY a do, if you are in fact homo- or have no ill motives behind your words. (read: if you are bashing gays, or coming from a hateful place, get yo shit outta town crazy!)
ex: 'can you please pass me the salt? no homo';
'did you catch the story about the balloon boy? no homo'

some will argue with me about this. many online articles and blogs ive read dedicated to this topic generally have the same tone. something along the vein of 'this is an awful phrase' 'no one should use it because it is offensive to gays no matter who is saying it'. while i see their points, i have to disagree. to me, there is nothing wrong with the words 'no' and 'homo'- there is something wrong when someone is using them to hurt another person. if gay little me wants to shout, 'no homo' after every phrase (much like i did with 'thats what she said') i should be allowed to without fear of gay-on-gay bashing.

whats funniest to me, is that most of the rappers who say this phrase- arent even saying it when its most appropriate. in lil waynes classic about lollipops, he states 'no homo, hes so sweet make her wanna lick the wrapper- so i let her lick the rapper' well unless thyne eyes decieve me, one girl + one boy, well thats a pretty heterosexual combo you have there mr.wayne, so no 'no homo' is necessary.

so, do i have an issue with the flagrant use of 'no homo' in rap lyrics? yes and no. on the one hand, i feel while its under the guise of 'oh, look how accepting of the gay community we are in the rap world- we will even clarify for you if what we are saying is homosexual or not' it means the polar opposite. i wouldnt have a problem with it, if those who said it werent being disrespectful to the community.

so mr.west, wayne, santana and others- either stop saying no homo or start giving out bjs and hjs like theres no tomorrow, no homo of course!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

free writing


i work weird hours. i always have. ever since i left the structure of high school i realized there was no helping my erratic sleeping habits- i just needed to find a world that would support my lack of rigidity when it came to sleeping. college was a beautiful time for this, unfortunately i almost went crazy and found myself often roaming the campus alone at 3am 'just to walk out my thoughts'. then i found work- ahh, what a torrid love affair it has been.

the field that ive dedicated my life to up until this point is one that has really fostered a lovely little environment for my adventures. i always seem to be running into the dregs of society whilst walking to my car or picking up the tipline at work at some ungodly hour, and if you know me even a pinch you know that i LIVE for situations like these. i thrive in those awkward, difficult, or just downright interesting life happenings.

my mother always told me not to talk to strangers. being the smart ass child i was, i would always retort something to the effect of, 'but how am i supposed to make new friends?' or 'how would the world go on if no one talked to strangers'. needless to say, its not shocking that i had a problem with talking to those who i havent met yet. im just genuinely fascinated by people- and i think its wrong to assume because i dont know you, that you are going to gut me a la drew berrymore in scream.

last night, i was getting off work around 11pm and was walking to the parking garage about a block from my work building. everyone at work suggests i take one of the security guards on my walk to the garage, but honestly- the walk is very well lit, and its in front of a courthouse with cops probably hiding in the trees (that may just be in my mind). but ive walked it for 2 years and never had an issue aside from a few drunk creeps who follow and talk to me who are leaving the metro.

last night as i was headed to the pt cruiser i noticed a group of gentlemen walking across the street. i slowed my roll a bit so that i would be a few paces behind them, but other than that i didnt really pay them much attention. i crossed the street, and one of the fellas stopped to talk to a friend in a car parked at the curb. now he is in stride with me, he looks at me- and my glowing white face and says 'dont be scared of us'. i, obviously offended that he would think i would jump to a conclusion such as that said, 'pfft, im not scared of you guys' as soon as the words come tumbling out of my mouth a flash of well that was stupid ash glares at me like a neon sign. then i realize that there is a chance i could be in danger as its 5 big dudes on my skinny white adorable ass.

so as i normally do, i thought it was a good time for zingers, 'its clear you all havent seen my pythons' the men look at my arms pathetically and laugh. 'stop laughing and feel this cobra, its something you dont want to mess with'. they are now giving me the typical white girl, you be crazy as hell look, which can be given to any white girl by anyone who isnt white. i rarely let this look phase me, and last night was no exception. i pressed on- we are now almost at the parking garage and i have 5 men encircling me, one who has his large hand wrapped securely around my toothpick of an arm.

the man who feels my muscle beings to laugh hysterically and motions for another fellas to come feel. he says 'girl whatchu got in there' in reference to my arm. i chirped, 'in all honesty, its mostly bone- but that could hurt too in hand to hand combat. dont you sweat fellas, if you need me i got your back.' i continue skipping to the garage and my new friends continued their trek towards the diner.

moral of the story being- well im not entirely sure. id like to say something about not judging a book by its cover but then again i can admit that my talking to strangers often leads me down bad paths. i used to be notorious at work for attracting the creepiest humans on earth. of course at the time i would see some redeeming quality in them, and feel as if everyone deserves a chance (im very much pollyanna on my veiw of human nature, and yet im realistic and educated enough to know that people are capable of real evil- i just believe deep down we all have good inside of us too, its what we allow ourselves to tap into that denotes what type of person we will be).

there is a homeless man who lives in the parking garage at work. most people dont see him as they are long gone by the time he emerges. during the day he sits by the 7-11, then the metro station, then wanders around downtown...i dont really know what he does in a day- but i would love to shadow him, just to see his life. hes one of the most fascinating people ive ever encountered. i assume he has some sort of mental illness as i often see him feverishly writing on scraps of paper, filling them up with words- but as he writes hes not connected to what hes writing. ive watched him, his mind is never where his body is. only when hes sleeping is he centered. i dont know why i have such a strong connection to this man. hes never talked to me, or seen me to the best of my knowledge. i know his smell, i know his favorite stairwells. ive seen the messes he makes, and ive even taken photos of his writings that hes left behind.

admittedly, when i finally got the opportunities to read what he wrote i was a little disappointed. idealistically, i assumed he was writing down the secrets to life. that he had reached a higher level of consciousness than i and knew something profound. what he was writing seemed more like rhetorical statements and lame jeopardy questions. one paper i found was all about the length of basketball shorts. should they be longer? should they be dresses?

i guess somewhere deep in my mind, i want to believe that one person in this crazy fucked up world has it all together. i keep thinking about the theory of 'no original thought' as of late- its truly one that boggles my mind. i can agree that most thoughts are not original, that they have been thought of before- but how does one capture a thought if they dont write it down or in some way keep a record of it. but on that line of thinking, wouldnt it also be safe to assume that there are a handful of people out there who are constantly giving birth to new thoughts? or are we all capable at one point in time of coming up with one creative new thought? or is there one person who is constantly spewing new thoughts into the universe?

id like to believe that artists are those people, anyone who does something creative. art to me is so many things, but at its core- it is birth, it is life. think of the artists you know (or the artist in you) almost across the board, those who come up with the most captivating, engaging, beautiful, dynamic, pieces of work- are generally very broken inside. the life they create using their minds comes from a place of death inside. its incredibly poetic.

with that said, i also believe art can come from a warm place thats full of life- but at its core, some of the most emotive things ive ever seen have come from the dregs of ones soul. my best friend jill, whom i reference often, is a photographer- and a brilliant one at that. she is a hippie to her core, very much born in the wrong era. we both share such a strong bond because we are old souls, with young minds.

some of her best work came out of the worst time in her life. sure- the best is yet to come in regards to her ability as a photographer. but nothing makes me feel like the photos she took in her darkest times.

tying this whole post together will be tough. i feel pretty scattered as of late. our parent company is offering furloughs or layoffs and our union is trying to protect us, but everyones scared. i can feel the winds of change on my face, and im not sure whats going to happen to me. i was terrified with the rest of my coworkers yesterday, but then i talked to my own personal shaman (or the Buddhist woman i work with, who acts as my surrogate mother) and she reminded me of a simple truth-

whatever is meant to be- will be. just because a path takes a sudden turn, doesnt mean that all hope is lost- it simply means its time to take a new direction. things will work out- dont you worry.

she is brilliant. have a great wednesday everyone.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

national equality march recap

national equality march
we came. we marched. we owned the city.

as mentioned in the video, ive convinced myself that the pain in my hand is some sort of crippling little heard of medical issue that will lead to certain death. sure- maybe im being a bit of a hypochondriac, but my left hand is my working hand (if you know what i mean) so i need this lady in order to survive.

here are a few pictures from the march this weekend-

the fist pump was crucial

'jesus had 2 dads and he turned out fine'

i was beyond in love with my 'fagbag' creation

to congress: love is love.

7 blocks deep, YAH!

fighting for whats right is a beautiful thing.

random thought #18

just a little

its wise to always turn and look before backing
you never know what sort of dream team is being rad as hell behind you.

imagine, if you will, turning on your car and finding these two dykes dancing.
i would deduce- that hilarity would indeed ensue.

my girlfriend and i, FTW!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

being labled

being labeled
on your own terms

are you butch?
are you femme?
are you queer?
or are you comfortable?

i often find a great divide when it comes to labels. never, will we ever 'define' everyone, so why try? (being the little gem that i am- i will answer my own rhetorical questions. why try to define anyone? well, on a fundamental level i do think that there is comfort in labels. it makes us as humans feel safe in a way. when we give something a name its less scary, we can say 'that is a tree', 'that is a dyke', 'that is a car', etc. but we know realistically that every living thing is unique in its own way, and thus any one word meant to define an entire group of people is unrealistic.)

some feel labels are too constraining, others feel they are perfect and need no changing, i of course have a completely different mindset all together. i love new, fresh, and dynamic ideas; i also love doing things that make me happy creatively. that may mean that i deck myself head to toe in flannel, that may also may mean i strap up my heels and wear a freak em dress; simply- i fit no mold.

i know im not alone, the title of butch or femme is so much more than clothes. sure, outwardly i do come across as relatively femme..i like my makeup, i enjoy my heels from time to time, and lord knows im a fan of shopping (thrift stores only please, im not one of THOSE femmbots who goes to the mall- and also, bitch we in a recession what are you doing at nordstroms?) i dont feel that i am completely one or completely the other. im comfortable.

so how do i define myself? as everyone should, i made up my own word. im sure this comes as a shock to no one, as i live my life WAITING for opportunities to make up new words, and implement them into my life. we are all unique, thus a catchall label is NOT for me (or you for that matter, you special little peach of a gal!)

after much thought, i feel im married to the title of 'comfortbian'.
has a nice roll to it, feels good jumping out of my mouth, would look just dazzling on a t-shirt.
comfort is paramount in my life. from what i wear, to who i interact with- i do what feels right, good, and is comfortable. i enjoy dressing as only i can, not because im trying to fight the man, or im trying to stand out- i dress this way because its what fits me.
and isnt everyone just living a life where they want to be comfortable, happy, and true to themselves?
so whats your fun new title? who will you be in this moment?

while i now identify as a comfortbian, i still consider myself a femme, and a lesbian, and a dyke but above all else-
i am ashley, and thats the only title that really matters to me.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

random thought #17

gay marriage

i just had a gay marriage nightmare!

when we get gay marriage, do you think there will be a rush of drunk straight girls trying to get hitched? you know how adorable some straight girls can be while intoxicated...'no i love YOU more, you are my best friend, and omg you are sooo pretty- like sooo pretty. fuck boys, they are stupid. i love you, we should get married'

could you imagine a world where romy and michelle could in fact get married at 30 if no other prospects came ones way?
talk about ruining it for everyone..that would surely take the wind out of my little gay sails.

and even more appalling, what if straight boys started to abuse the privilege we pushed so hard to earn?! not saying that many straight boys would run to the alter with their best friends, however- ive seen some pretty gay shenanigans go on with 'straight boys' when they are drunk...all im saying is- it COULD HAPPEN.

just felt compelled to share my terrifying thought.

also- CONGRATS WASHINGTON DC on introducing the bill that would make same-sex marriage legal! every step counts!

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

you NEED to be here- national equality march

'this is our single message as we march on washington on october 11, 2009.
we seek equal protection for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people in all matters governed by civil law in all 50 states '
equality across america

if we want our rights, we all have to join together and fight (or march, as it were). there is an unfortunate stigma with 'political activists'. some people who arent as politically educated feel that politics are boring, or that it doesnt effect them, or that they dont need to be involved.

one will find that its rare that i flat out will say someone is wrong. i try very hard to see both sides in most situations, even if i dont necessarily agree. however, when it comes to politics, boring or not- you need to make it a priority to educate yourself.
we are in fast paced times, where often laws are passed without the masses knowing about it- stripping them of their rights before they even knew what was at stake. its easy to complain about the laws, and those who pass them, but the only truly proactive thing one can do is protest, become educated, and DEMAND what you feel is right.

change doesnt happen because its whats right, it happens when people stand up to whats wrong.

this weekend is a huge one for gays everywhere, the march on washington is calling for the repeal of
DOMA and the dont ask, dont tell policy, the passage of the employment non-discrimination act, equal adoption rights, as well as hate crimes legislation.

in essence, equal protection in all matters governed by civil law in all 50 states. seems simple enough, right?

this is something that gay, straight or otherwise- you should be upset!
this is about equal protection for all americans. if you are straight you should be appalled at the treatment of gays in this country when it comes to rights. ok- appalled may be a bit strong a feeling for me to demand out of you breeders- admittedly thats a bit of my personal opinion.. you are certainly entitled to your own thoughts, but im passionate about gay rights.
shocking, i know.

also- i know that being involved in the political process isnt glamorous to some, well you know what glitterfuck? guess whos going to be at the march?
none other than the biggest homomagnet in the game- lady gaga.
yes, the lady herself will grace us with her presence..i dont know about you, but i missed out on her concert so im pumped to touch her.
not really implying ill actually get the chance to touch her, but im going to dream.
lady gaga was recently quoted as saying,
'i really believe in this cause, and as a woman in pop music i think its really an important weekend. and its not a fucking joke. so get your asses to D.C. and wear something fabulous, and ill see you guys there.'
yes, yes you will you fabulous little minx.

so get your marching shoes on, and make yourself something festive to wear- because we are faggin it up in DC this weekend!

Monday, October 5, 2009

penis envy

i love my vag > your dingdong
its simple.

often times, upon hearing ridiculous shit being propagated amongst the masses, i feel it is my duty as a lezbot to enlighten the ignorant. ive heard rumblings of the proceeding statement off and on for years- the age old 'penis envy' debate..well you know what?


let me reiterate for my friends who have a hard time understanding- lesbians do not wish that their vaginas were woozles, the people that feel that way are transsexuals, ladies and gentlemen. and id still argue that not all of them have 'penis envy'- sure maybe they would like one to grow in place of their vaggapuss, but to say they are envious implies they want YOURS.
and i assure you- they do NOT want yours.

now personally, i have a fair amount of straight guy friends. this topic has arisen on numerous occasions, and while their points are often valid- its completely insane to insinuate that because i love women as much as any hetero man, that i in some way want a wand in my pants.

i will address the arguments, followed by my rebuttal:
  • "you buy dildos, strap ons, and other tools that are penislike; you must want a penis"
    no, in fact, quite the contrary.
    those tools can heighten the sexual pleasure during an act. just because our toys look like your dick does not mean i want a penis. good lord, if i woke up and my vagina wasnt there, and in her place was a giant dick (ok who am i kidding, id probly have just a lil stump) i would loose my shit. (admittedly, immediately after i had a panic attack i would take my morning wood and start touching things..then i would move onto knocking shit over..and cap off my morning with poking holes in things)

  • "you cant hit the spots a penis can- thus you need one to have pleasure"
    this one is always SO MUCH fun to smack down.
    first off this 'spot' you are referring to is one that your dick only reaches when you are mid-climax. the penis curves in such a way that is said to 'hit the gspot', so yes sir- you are right that you hit that spot. however to then deduce i cant reach that is laughable.
    your dick doesnt have shit on my able little fingers. with a little bit of effort and practice a lesbian can give the same (if not better, imo) level of satisfaction to any woman.

  • "if you date a girl that looks like a boy, shouldnt you just date a boy?"
    just because a woman dresses in a way that society sees as a 'boy' does not mean that im narrow minded enough to believe that. i know that underneath that flannel top, white wife beater shirt, ripped loose fitting jeans, and her colorful skater shoes that shes got all the parts i know and love. moreover-shes sans wiener. and i count that as a plus.
    its like when someone says 'oh damn, i have a thing for asian girls' and then says 'i dont really like tall girls'...its all a matter of preference. some chicks dig dykes, others like queers, and others still like being with femmes. but deep down the outward things we see are pretty much bullshit. i can dress like a dyke, and my girlfriend can don a dress, just to switch it up- IT JUST DOESNT MATTER!

  • "every lesbian hates guys because they secretly want to be them, thats why they are gay"
    well i cant speak for everyone, so ill just speak for me.
    i, in no way shape or form, want to be a man.
    i do not want a dick.
    i like fucking women.
    i am gay because my mother didnt breast feed me long enough so i have a constant oral fixation and longing for boobs. lol- i kid, i kid.
    i am gay because i was born this way.
    i love the female form, including my own, far to much to EVER want to change the perfection that is the vagina.
    as far as me hating fellas? well thats silly. i have a lot of guy friends, i know some of them hate me because my gayness impeeds their ability to hook up with me. but i dont hate anyone..even the people i should.

  • "but dont you wish you had a penis when you see a hot straight girl, that will in no way ever be with you?"
    nail. on. head.
    haha no no. im kidding- even then, while i could see why i should want a woozle in that situation, im far to confident in the sex appeal of a woman to believe that a straight girl would ever 'in no way ever be with me'...give it time, or alcohol, or roofies (im kidding, i in no way support date rape, or any form of 'surprise sex') i think most lesbians will agree, most girls are willing to try ladies- even if just once.
i hope that i have covered all my bases, and have successfully proven that us dykes arent lost little girls, pining for a lil fella in our pants.
we are secure, confident, vagina owners.
and fucking proud as hell!

Saturday, October 3, 2009

lesbian moments


i dont normally blog on the weekend, but there was a sense of urgency i couldnt deny.
i feel the need to let everyone know what i saw last night.
my sister and several friends of mine went to gloss- apexs ladies night.
as if the drag show, and the burlesque show wasnt enough..i spied something one could only find in a woman saturated club.
the very definition lesbianism-
sans wrapper.
dance floor.
unused. (the only redeeming quality about this precious find.)

and, well- of course i took a photo-
b/c im classy and found this disgustingly amazing.

dare to share, i say.
and by the looks of it-
whoever was the original owner of this was trying to do just that.

Friday, October 2, 2009

random thought #16

tit bits
from my noggin

  • i dont understand how women can think excersize on a stripper pole is sexy, liberating, and intoxicating yet when a woman gets paid to do the same thing they claim its 'degrading'.
    degrading or not- if a woman wants to plop her fanny in my lap whilst wearing a g-string and allowing me 'make it rain on her', im sure as hell not going to tell her to stop. in fact, id respect her for it.
    when you have a stripper pole in your house, and over 40 someone needs to remind you- that you arent terri hatcher, and you need to cut that shit out before your 10 year old starts humping shit.
  • im drafting my 'fantasy team' and thusfar the roster is as follows: carmen sandiego, alice of wonderland, waldo, unicorn, brachiosaurus, a t-rex crossed with a rhino, my best friend jill, alice from the lword. not sure what excatly my team will do persay- but we will have matching t-shirts.
  • why doesnt anyone write letters anymore? i love getting handwritten mail from people. i love writing little memos to folks- but moreover i like coloring on the opposite side while im at work. i have no problem whipping out a paintbrush and glue during office hours.
    i made these this week:
    my mother said the ones on the left "..are strange ash, like crazy murder lookin" so its clear she is a fan. this ladies, is the product of my boredom. it makes me laugh that you can clearly see i had a little bit of brown, red and blue paint at work, and only a handful of pens. watchout friends, you might get an ashogram in the mail soon!
  • my creativity did not lead me to a new job- however i did learn that sending a 2 foot tall cardboard cutout of yourself to a prospective employer holding a sign you have doctored to say that you are the company does not mean they will call you back- email you back- fuck, even acknowledge your existence.
    im proud of the fact that i went through with it, but bitter as hell that i didnt so much as get an email.

my open letter to lil wayne

Thursday, October 1, 2009

just go for it

stop waiting
just go for it
i find myself often sitting and contemplating my life, and the direction its going in.
ive been working in the same field since i was 18, convinced (maybe idealistically so) that if i work hard enough, and with enough passion that one day
someone will recognize me for it.
someone will then help lift me to where i want to go.
someone knows that my passion, and belief in my dreams will never die- no matter how many rejections i receive.
someone will give me 'that one shot' that will open countless doors.
someone acknowledges my gifts, and wants to help me feed them.
someone is meant to cross my path.
and this
someone will lead me in a new dynamic direction.

i dont know who this someone is, what they will look like, or anything about them at all. all i do know is that my hopes and dreams used to lie in this proverbial persons hands.
but as more time goes on, ive realized my thinking was flawed.

why put so much in the hands of a stranger?
i consider myself to be more motivated about my own goals and dreams than any other person could ever possibly be- so then why would i expect someone to share my fire? we each, respectively, represent the single most passionate person in regards to our own dreams.

i am the only one who is set on fire when i think of what i can accomplish.
you are the only one who is set on fire when you think of what you can accomplish.

fuck someone- all i got is me..

We are the ones we've been waiting for.

—The Elders Oraibi
Arizona Hopi Nation