case of the mondays

just a case of the mondays?
or a life lesson?

i will be the first to admit, outwardly- i appear to be a bit of a priss. i hate to admit that because i fear it reinforces the notion that i AM one, which couldnt be further from the truth. so ill take a hit in my pride while i say, yes- im tall and slender, i wear a splash of makeup on any given day, and ill be damned if i dont have my chap stick with me (thats not necessarily a prissy trait..but its true none the less). but let me tell you something buster, looks can be deceiving. i may look a certain way, but just try and tell me i cant do something because of that- and ill show you i can, in spite of that.

alright- moving right along, a man cut me off today. i had just begun my commute and was trying to just let it roll off my back, unfortunately said man proceeded to make me think he was going to hit me (what with his erratic driving, texting and violent fist shaking at other drivers) so i swerved to miss him. i did in fact miss him, but i did not miss the curb. viola- ashley gets a flat tire on the way to work, on a monday no less.

i call my father first to tell him i did something wrong again whilst rolling around carefree in the cruiser. (i am notorious for misreading my gauges and going thousands of miles over my oil changes, or doing fun things like running over things i shouldnt and subsequently needing new tires) he assures me that while ive never done it before i can replace the tire, but also tells me hes in DC and will be leaving in 45 mins so that he can come help me. i then call work to tell them i wont be in on time, all this time im crying.

please dont tell me im being hyper emotional, this week is a big one for me. im all worked up over a meeting i have tomrrow morning that ive been trying to land for months. (if you are a regular reader, you may remember when i mentioned i sent in a 2 foot tall cardboard cutout of myself to a new prospective employer, and he had not gotten the chance to get back in touch with me. well, after two months, several calls, a few emails- ashley has got her shot! persistence, or sheer disbelief that someone wouldnt want to talk to me, really does pay off!!)

i knew i was going to get anxious this week, so i was trying to put good energy into the world. keep my world at a slower pace so as not to get overwhelmed, try to remain focused and calm, but most of all remain confident in myself. i have this annoying ability to second guess myself in the clutch. when it comes to new things that i know im capable of doing yet havent before, i try to talk myself out of doing them by saying, 'how do you know you can do this if you never have before? you are lying to these people by saying you are able..how do you KNOW?' i was trying to fight that this time, why? because i fucking GOT THIS SHIT ON LOCK! also because i fully disclosed my work history to this gentlemen and in spite of that- hes giving me a shot...thats all i need to bl0w him away. i know realistically my work history is exemplary for my age, and i know my work ethic makes it possible for me to accomplish anything but if i allow negative thoughts to get into my head- then they will appear outwardly in my world.

so it would be almost poetic that i decided to tango with the curb and loose horribly today. it would normally set my day into a tailspin, and in a domino like fashion, i would allow that sourpuss outlook to infiltrate the rest of my week. but this was different- it wasnt just 'oh fuck my tires flat' it also had shades of 'i seriously have no idea if i can actually do this on my own or not'. it wasnt until i was told several times 'dont worry, ill call someone to come help you'. that i said, 'fuck this noise- i can do this. ALL BY MYSELF'

problem is- i seriously have no idea what im doing. so i got a few quick tips from my father, and obviously my girlfriend, (thats what lesbians are for right?) i get my hands dirty and start fondling my tires. as i mentioned earlier i have had run ins with flats before, but ive never been alone when its happened. last time i had to get all new tires, which also means the last time my tires were put on it was buy an air gun- meaning my hand cranking of the lug nuts is next to impossible.

at one point, i sat on the curb covered in dirt and had an ugly cry. you know the one, when you start to have bubbles of snot sneaking out of your nose, and you look downright nasty. passersby must have thought i was a used up hooker or something equally as depressing. i didnt think i was going to be able to do it on my own. i didnt think i had the strength, id have to wait until help arrived. as i was looking at this tire, all i could think about was the meeting scheduled for the next day. after an hour of the most physical labor my 9 inch biceps have seen in years, i fucking kicked the shit out of that flat tire, and made it my bitch.

when i finally did get to work, one of my coworkers stopped me on my way to my cube, 'what a shitty start to the week huh? it would seem your monday has been pretty awful, am i right?' i smiled and kept walking to my seat. i thought about it- and he was wrong. my day wasnt awful because of a flat tire, are you kidding me? it has been an amazing day. because thats how i choose to see it.

my logic is simple. the situation with my tire mirrors my fears about this meeting to a 't'. part of me is fearful that i dont have what it takes to impress the people im trying to impress, that i in some way am incapable of preforming at the level that a job with them would require. and in life, its not uncommon for doubt to slip into our minds, but we dont have to let it park in there and light up a cigarette. sure, i get down on myself from time to time, but if i take a step back i can ALWAYS change my perspective.

it would have been easy for me to say, 'call AAA, have them fix my tire.'
it would have been easy for me to say, 'im unqualified for this job, why even bother?'

but i refuse to sell myself short.
if i want to constantly grow as a person, im going to constantly have to try new things, right?

i will have to put myself in uncomfortable situations over and over again, because if i dont i will become complacent in my life.
and to me- to become complacent in ones life is to die while living...what a waste.

so, was i having a case of the mondays? most definitely, but my case of the mondays included learning a life lesson and gaining a new skill- as well as a new perspective.