Monday, October 19, 2009

weekend wrap-up

weekend wrap up:
sister is engaged- i cant legally 'one up' her

this weekend was impressive as far as weekends go in my book. as of late ive been ok with relaxing most of the weekend, and possibly going out once or twice- alright who am i kidding. i have transformed my once party hungry girlfriend into the most superb cuddler/dexter-watching-buddy around. she once was double fisting it regularly, now she listens to me drone on for hours about daydreams, politics, dinosaurs, the fate of the world and traffic patterns (we have been over how lame i am, this shouldnt be shocking.) now if you are a party animal im sure this doesnt sound as appealing to you, but if you are someone who enjoys a nice night in once in a while- we are your own personal jesus.

with all of that said, when my girlfriend and i make a conscious choice to go out and let loose, we go big..god i cant even lie on my own blog. SHE lets loose. SHE will kick your ass in beer pong. SHE will shotgun a beer with your mother. myself?? i come up with some really witty zingers at partys, i have a running social commentary in my head that i refuse to let out because it would be rude and disrespectful- however proves to be quite comical for me. dont get me wrong- im fun, i promise you will have an amazing time with me- i just in no way could/would ever drink you under the table. its understood that drinking isnt my normal vice of choice but i made a point of focusing on the sauce this weekend (and its clear by 'focusing on the sauce' i mean '5 shots and 5 beers over the course of the weekend was MORE THAN ENOUGH for babygirl', but that sounds way less attractive than how it was originally worded.)

so- friday night, party at my girlfriends + her roommates place. remember the former 'lesbian frat house'? well they have cleaned things up a bit. apparently moving towards the mid to late twenties means one should take down some of the posters of bob marley, clean up the half chewed up hot dog someone stuck to the wall, and also fold up the beer pong table during the week- its just classier. i chose not to drink this night, as saturday was the day i was gearing up for- but you bet your ass that my abstaining from alcohol did not stop anyone else.

its weird, i may enjoy staying in- but i LOVE meeting new people, and friday the lesbians reproduced (in- lets be real) the only way they can. propagating new lesbian friends is what we do best. it seems every lesbian has some friends they they have been hiding for years, or a new crew of lesbians just pop up overnight. this is what i like to call the lesbian version of 'hide-and-seek'. sure heteros have been playing this game with their kids for years, but lesbians have perfected the art of being seen without being seen. the lesbian version of hide-and-seek explains why when new 'womens nights' pop up around the area, they start off strong then begin to fizzle. i dont know where they are all hiding yet- but know this lesbians, im coming for you all. i know their are a bunch of you out there. i will hunt you down (in a fun and playful way, not like im going to wrap you up in a tarp and kill you!) and make a note of your location.

i met a new friend named 'rado' this weekend.
my name is ashley.
and just to reiterate- her name was 'rado'.
now, perhaps im just getting caught up in the minor details of life- but my name has been in the top 15 popular baby names over the past 2 decades..its safe to say, you know another ashley- you probably even know one who spells it leigh, or lee. (im aware their are other ways to spell it but they are stupid and phonetic. i am not a fan.)
couldnt my parents have thought of ANYTHING other than arguably the most popular name in the united states?
my dad still claims, 'we did it so you could shine THROUGH your name'.
for some reason i really doubt my parents were thinking about being ironic when they named me, but i like the story so i believe it.
i digress..

moving on to sister got engaged this weekend, and our family was a part of it. her boyfriend of 7 years dropped down to his knee in the rain and slapped a d on her finger...and it was after this point that my drinking on saturday began.

it was a little after 4pm.
never too soon!!
after 2 tequila shots, and 2 corona lights- i turned into this gem, as did my blushing-soon-to-be-bride sister (that would be me, grabbing my sisters bosom, and her taking a hunk out of my face.) im really impressed with our mutual lightweightedness when it comes to drinking, i argue it makes us fun- she says we are cheap dates- my parents ask us not to drink heavily when together (or at all for that matter.) i couldnt imagine why. the entire ride home (which consisted of my sisters friend, my girlfriend, myself, and my parents) i kept saying inappropriate things loudly. i capped the ride off with a conversation about the sensitivity and under utilization of the anal region. which shockingly, didnt go over well. who knew?

so danielle and i decide to nap it out until the party that night at my friend stancils & dees. someone should have warned me ahead of time that when i awoke a few hours later i would feel like i had a hangover and id smell like lime, tequila, and a dash of BO- but that didnt happen, so i woke up to that surprise all on my own. we finally manage to get our shit together and go to the party.

this party was the type of party where you are semi-comfortable, as you know a handful of people there. you can wonder around and mingle no problem, but there are defiantly a shit ton more people there that you do NOT know but they seem interesting so why not.
why not?
oh, 'why not' was answered this weekend. why not is a lot of partial nudity- and not the good kind. (its interpretive, so i understand why a lesbian may raise an eyebrow or two at male nudity) but as with every party where lesbians are present, the girls stepped it up. once i saw a few fellas loose their shirts, a couple of lesbians jumped in- and ill be damned if i didnt see a nipple. now- the nipple sighting was later brought into question as the lovely lady who let hers pop out claimed 'it never happened'. i, of course, agreed with her to help her save face- but just so everyone is clear, i never mistake a nipple.

i went outside, as im doing a great job of quitting cigarettes, and a man introduced himself as 'mouse'. i introduced myself as 'rascal' but then later admitted i dont look like a rascal, he agreed and said he didnt look much like a mouse either. i went on to tell him that he did indeed remind me of a mouse, and if he were any one he would be fifel of fifel goes west. i told him that he should go west.
ashley should not always fulfill her urges to talk to strangers, especially when drinking.

when i returned i saw lesbians running the make-shift beer pong table. well way to go team! a number of them in only their bras and pants (sports bras of course.) as the night turned into morning and it was clear no more nipples were coming out to play, we decided to retire for the evening and return home. the party was a great one, and many left blacked out. all in all- 5 party hats out of 5!

recap- my sister is going to have a bachelorette party (and also getting married, but i know which one shes more excited about- hello classy lady STRIP CLUBS!), i drank saturday night and thus have met my liquid quota for a good few months, and cant fool me-
i saw your nipple this weekend.

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