Monday, July 20, 2009

|:| weekend wrap up |:|

i was right..
shitshow ensued.

friday night...
im not even sure how to describe it. it was easily 'mind blowing' status, at least by house party standards. let me paint the picture for you- first off, if you weren't there, and you were supposed to be- for shame, you will be regretting that for a while.
i walked into the house, after rushing home from work. its about 11:40- now keep in mind im aware of everything going on at this party due to several people texting me non-stop keeping me up to date on the goings on of the party.
so im at the front door and my friend monica, and katie are ou
t front smoking (aka the backyard is completely full and thus no one can smoke there anymore) i strike up conversation- more or less to see what im in for. they assure me that the stripper is still there and in fact ill see her when i walk in. there was another gentlemen outside with them, which was shocking to me b/c there are rarely boys at this house. i knew he had to be someone with either, the stripper, the ice luge, the keg, or the DJ- he couldn't have been there b/c he was friends with us?! i mean i guess its not impossible. but when ur social circle is almost exclusively lesbians, its not a bad assumption to make.
the fella gave me some tude by the door...saying 'let me see your id', and being both appropriate and non confrontational i said 'homegirl, i practically live here- you best not be hasslin' me motha fucka' which he responded 'im the DJ, ill turn the music off'. im pretty sure i walked away with something along the lines of 'i know who paid you, you silly goose! see you inside.' so- as you can see we started off on a very healthy level.
i hope the door-
and this.. GOD BLESS AMERICA. house strippers really are recession-proof.

so lets discuss whats going on here... b/c there is a lot of points to chat about. first- i think its safe to say we can all easily locate the house stripper. mind you, when i walked in, she was squatting on my friend sammi's face while taking a mint from her nose and putting it in her mouth.
alright, so back to the house stripper. body? out of control. we are talking, real titties (and by 'real' i mean 'real enough to touch'), tan and tone, clearly flexible, and looked like she had a few miles on her so she knows whats going on.
(but in all honesty, im so neurotic that i kept thinking 'oh god, i hope nothing touches me, i hope everyone has wet naps and washes their hands')
moving on, lets discuss those supervising the show. in the back, dead center- well shes just in awe. plain and simple. to the left of center we have the 2 on the bottom is saying with her smile 'fuckin yahhh' asian above? 'dear lord ive never dated a girl who does that'...then my precious danielle next to them, well, shes just down for another drink...megahn in the middle smells something a lil rank. and my personal fav back right- she does NOT approve.

god this whole night.
seriously. ok- so i walk in to all of that, and its too crowded at this point to walk around the stripper, so i classily walk through the show- i stop, of course, to introduce myself to the stripper, 'hi, im ashley, you are doing some lovely work, excuse me i need to go outback- didn't mean to intrude'
i make it across 10 feet which felt like 10 miles. and i run into the arms of some gays (not to be confused with lesbians, when i say 'gay' i clearly mean boys) their jaws on the floor.
'ASHLEY TAKE A COOTER SHOOTER!' right. thats going to happen. first off- im terrified of strange vagina (as everyone should be) b/c 1 out of 5 people above the age of 25 have STDs, im thankful to be both STD free and under 25. furthermore, drinking isn't really my vice. sure we all have something- drinking just isn't mine.
so now, my ex girlfriend, who im still in love with says 'ashley watch me do this cooter shooter, it will be sexy.'
alright- i dont look at myself as a prude, but i found nothing sexy about that at all. the stripper pours the shot into her mouth, then sticks it up like a giant 'doh out of her mouth, then sits on it several times, then the stripper licks it clean and BAM! COOTER SHOOTER.
first, i wasnt a fan of watching that b/c when i want to be with someone i dont want to think of a strippers snatch in their mouth. perhaps i was being too sensitive. but it was at this point i walked out back.

it was out back that you knew that you were at a dykefest for sure. please check out this ingenious 'times are tough but we must play BP' beer pong table. now that was actually located outside during the party. the DJ was inside..and all of this mind you was on one floor of a modest 2-bedroom town home.

the point of the night was that if lesbians put their mind to something- anything is possible.
oh, and i neglected to mention- the cops did come for a noise violation, but they only came once. so everything was good.

everyone had a great, magnificent least from what they remember!

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