note to my coworkers:

dear workers with whom i share the unisex bathroom:

this memo is to implore you all (more specifically the gentlemen who comes in after 7pm and has a BM regularly @ 8pm on the dot) to please stop the following.

• urinating on the seat- yes, i am very neurotic about many things, but i don't think im being unreasonable when i say 'monitor your spray'. when you indiscriminately piss on the seat, i generally catch it- as its a regular practice of mine to put the liner on the seat b/c lord KNOWS my fanny skin isn't touching that. however, on that rare occasion that in my haste my hovering skills fail me and i do in fact sit on the seat- im SICK of sitting in your excrement.
• leaving 'hansel and gretle-like' trails of pubes across the bathroom and on the seat-um ok, first off, not entirely sure how and/or why you are shedding pubes (im sure its both normal and natural, but i think that with proper mantiance this is a problem that can be completely avioded as i personally have never directly faced this problem, at least knowingly.) second off- im beginning to get really uncomfortable by the fact that i can now play a game of 'name that pube' by color and curl. seriously people, just a simple spot check upon completion of bathroom break!
• finally, whoever drops the stanky leg BOMB around 630p- i hate that you beat me to the punch DAILY! and i also hate when you are out sick b/c the boss uses it after me...he knows my aromatic secret.

thank you all very much. every day is always a pleasure working alongside your shiny happy faces. but behind the unisex bathroom walls, all truths are reveled. we are bonded by our bowels, and the waterjug-seat-bathroom dance we all play so well. thanks for your time, and most of all your company.

-me