Tuesday, July 28, 2009

random thought #8

i thought it would make me feel better
but it made me feel awful.

the girl who first had my heart, ended up crushing it. after a year of being together, she ended things without reason and i was beyond devastated. my whole world was in her eyes.
she was the first person i had ever loved, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. she was the first person to make me feel beautiful inside and out. when she was by my side i didnt notice any other girl in the room- how could i? she had a glow about her.
when she left me, and i finally accepted it- i tried to remain positive. i believe that if you put negative energy out into the world, it will come back to you. i wanted to remain mature, and not be petty and jaded.
i refused to allow the bad thoughts to settle. you know the ones we all think post-heartbreak, but honestly its just filling our head with more anger and sadness. i mostly had the 'she will never find someone who loves her like i did and treated her like a princess' and the popular 'i deserve better (cue the ugly snot-filled sob-fest) but all i want is her'. it was so hard to keep the thought 'one day, she will realize what a huge mistake shes made, and she will feel a fraction of what i do right now' out of my head. i wont lie. it was a prominent one in my head.
often i said that she would realize it one day.
it was that thought that allowed me to let go and move on.
my friend also gave me the following quote, which- wow- was just the thing i needed after the breakup.
i think there are two firsts in everyones life; the first person who introduces you to real love, and the first person who introduces you to real love when you could have sworn youd lost all faith in it.
-unknown
so, after i thought the had wound healed. i ended up falling in love with a magnificent woman, but unfortunately for both of us, i wasnt yet ready for what we had. i still needed to let go of my 'fear of loving' (or moreover, my 'fear of getting shattered by someones choices').
and you know what? i finally did.
and not a MOMENT AFTER I DO- who should strike up a conversation with me, but my ex. well, i shouldnt really say it like that. i dont really fracture relationships with people. i maintain friendships and keep things in a positive life, b/c well- i dont know, i really do believe that people can all get along. she and i do text periodically, but this time was different.
she finally said it.
'i fucked up a good thing with you, im sorry. it was a mistake'
just when i no longer felt in my heart the need to have our relationship validated in some way- she does it. and i always thought id be overjoyed when those words came tumbling out of her mouth, but now im just sad.
im at a point where im happy. i didnt need to hear that from her to move on- i already had all on my own. its just devastating to me that shes not at a point that i am. i want nothing but happiness, fulfillment, and magic in her life. i really want us both to be completely satisfied one day.but most of all- i wish she knew that their is happiness out there waiting for her too. and its only a mistake if you repeat the actions and learn nothing.
if anything, it furthers my confidence in my current relationship. but it does make my heart heavy, as i wish i could do more to help her to help herself.

3 comments:

  1. i feel like it's natural, in a sick way, that when things are fine with you, she comes back.
    love is like a seesaw, when someone's up, someone else is down. it's rare when ya hit that sweet spot when you're both suspended in the air together. she might be coming to you now not in spite of your happiness, but because of your happiness.

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  2. that's the way it always happens.

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