random thought #8

i thought it would make me feel better

but it made me feel awful.

the girl who first had my heart, ended up crushing it. after a year of being together, she ended things without reason and i was beyond devastated. my whole world was in her eyes.

she was the first person i had ever loved, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. she was the first person to make me feel beautiful inside and out. when she was by my side i didnt notice any other girl in the room- how could i? she had a glow about her.

when she left me, and i finally accepted it- i tried to remain positive. i believe that if you put negative energy out into the world, it will come back to you. i wanted to remain mature, and not be petty and jaded.

i refused to allow the bad thoughts to settle. you know the ones we all think post-heartbreak, but honestly its just filling our head with more anger and sadness. i mostly had the 'she will never find someone who loves her like i did and treated her like a princess' and the popular 'i deserve better (cue the ugly snot-filled sob-fest) but all i want is her'. it was so hard to keep the thought 'one day, she will realize what a huge mistake shes made, and she will feel a fraction of what i do right now' out of my head. i wont lie. it was a prominent one in my head.

often i said that she would realize it one day.

it was that thought that allowed me to let go and move on.

my friend also gave me the following quote, which- wow- was just the thing i needed after the breakup.

i think there are two firsts in everyones life; the first person who introduces you to real love, and the first person who introduces you to real love when you could have sworn youd lost all faith in it.
-unknown

so, after i thought the had wound healed. i ended up falling in love with a magnificent woman, but unfortunately for both of us, i wasnt yet ready for what we had. i still needed to let go of my 'fear of loving' (or moreover, my 'fear of getting shattered by someones choices').

and you know what? i finally did.

and not a MOMENT AFTER I DO- who should strike up a conversation with me, but my ex. well, i shouldnt really say it like that. i dont really fracture relationships with people. i maintain friendships and keep things in a positive life, b/c well- i dont know, i really do believe that people can all get along. she and i do text periodically, but this time was different.

she finally said it.

'i fucked up a good thing with you, im sorry. it was a mistake'

just when i no longer felt in my heart the need to have our relationship validated in some way- she does it. and i always thought id be overjoyed when those words came tumbling out of her mouth, but now im just sad.

im at a point where im happy. i didnt need to hear that from her to move on- i already had all on my own. its just devastating to me that shes not at a point that i am. i want nothing but happiness, fulfillment, and magic in her life. i really want us both to be completely satisfied one day.but most of all- i wish she knew that their is happiness out there waiting for her too. and its only a mistake if you repeat the actions and learn nothing.

if anything, it furthers my confidence in my current relationship. but it does make my heart heavy, as i wish i could do more to help her to help herself.