Wednesday, July 15, 2009

how to...

how to...
reinforce lesbian stereotypes
yes, you too, can be all people think you are!!

  1. first and foremost, you need a sick ass haircut. in order to appear as gay as possible i suggest the following tools for your new do: razor scissors, and a beard trimmer. if you are bad ass enough, just go ahead and shave half of your head- then maybe a few lil' racing shaved stripes too. don't just shave it all off- that passe, stick with half head pixie cut, half head lilo extensions. OMGZ! dont forget to razor cut ur (i.e. good lesbian haircut, also kate gosselin's chop is aite too)

  2. be obsessed with pretty sure she is the one on the L-word that everyone agrees on. (however, im more of an alice girl myself...point being- we would all give it up for carmen)

  3. wear the following DAILY: a scene bandanna tied round your neck, a thumb ring, your astrological sign somewhere on your body (preferably a tattoo on your neck), a pinch of flannel (or my personal favorite, PLAID!) never hurt any lezzie. Hold your keys to your pants by having a carabiner, carry chap stick with you EVERYWHERE, and most importantly either a rainbow, a female symbol, or the HRC sticker somewhere on your car.

  4. dress in such a way that if you went to a gay club, twinks and femmes would hit on you- b/c your gender is a mystery!

  5. build an entire deck in a weekend.

  6. outwardly hate the katy perry ditty, 'i kissed a girl', but secretly sing it in your head incessantly and think of it fondly. but then on another level, you still hate it regardless if for nothing else- the line "its not what good girls do, not how they should behave" a pretty good girl, and i think its precisely how i should behave miss perry.

  7. have one legit crazy ex...and when i say legit im talking she has hacks into your accounts and fucks things up, she has a record and/or a restraining order, she did the ol' "to get back at you for breaking up with me ima sleep with dudes and tell you about it", or she has attempted to or actually HAS caused you physical harm.

  8. fall in love with straight girls.

  9. get a pet (shockingly, not just limited to cats. dogs, birds, chinchillas...f'real- anything goes) the key here is to really personify the pet. name it, clothe it, treat it as your own child, leave it in your car while illegally parked then have it towed away THEN use the fact that the douche towed your car WITH your child inside as leverage to getting your car back for free (godblezz ya moo).

  10. hats. its ALL about hats. hats. hats. hats. (thanks sammi and nicole) now if a hat isnt available- dont stress...a bandanna will be fine!!

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