Tuesday, August 25, 2009

negative thought release

im having a bad day.

generally speaking, i hate when people start off a conversation with that b/c it
never comes as a singular statement. more than likely it is followed by a laundry list of why said persons day was awful, how their life is just incredibly unfortunate and why you should give them your sympathy or in someway try to alleviate their pain.
fear not- im not going to go into detail about why my day was bad, but i do need to get the negative thoughts in my head out of here, and in written form.

im terrified.

ive always prided myself on my devotion to the dreams of the world. i am a
fantasizer, i am a believer, i am a star-gazer, i am a lover, i am mystical, i am a wildflower picker, but above all else- i am a dreamer.
i believe in dreams more than ive
ever believed in anything.
ive never really agreed with mainstream religions. i was raised as a good, god-fearing christian girl, but began to question the church as soon as i was able to formulate thoughts on my own. i was scolded early on for my questioning of religion (the question that got me kicked out of sunday school in 5th grade was simply,
whats the difference between christianity and cults? i was not snarky or being an asshole kid, i honestly wanted to know. instead i was sent into the hall with a bible and a cold look from my teacher)

i fear that i question everything too much to believe in anything.

the only thing that i have ever believed in without question was my dreams.
every relationship, every action, every thought- i question its validity. i look at every situation from far too many angles. (alright, i just over analyze things to a fault)
im not entirely sure why i do this.
its not that i fear making mistakes; i relish them as they are an opportunity to grow and learn.
its not that i fear settling; i feel that the universe has a wonderful way of shifting our lives so that whats meant to be- is; and whats not meant to be- isnt.
i suppose i just like questioning, and knowing, and filling up my sponge of a mind just a bit more.

i fear my love of my dreams will ultimately leave me with only them.

my love affair with my dreams has been one ive had all my life.
my dreams are my old lady; and even though i become frustrated with her often times b/c shes difficult. she always challenges me in a way no person ever has- and for that,
i love her in a way that no person ever will.
the only thing that has never left me, never hurt me, never disappointed me, never used me, never made me feel inferior, and never made me feel anything less than spectacular- has been my dreams.
now, as one could imagine, a love affair like this has roots, its living, breathing, constantly evolving. my dreams have grown along with me, and taken me beautiful places. ive been a tree, every animal imaginable (and unimaginable as well), a lawyer, an interior designer, a singer, an actress, a politician, a public speaker, a plane, and countless other things that one can only be in their dreams.
my dreams are currently taking me places above and beyond where my body is currently.
but my dreams are sacred, they are my adorable little secrets that i have with only myself. no one knows them all- not even me.
frankly, i never want to lose my dreams.
dreams are what make people sparkle. dreams define a person, and yet give them mystery.
i believe that dreams are the closest thing to a soul that anyone has.
with that said, i dont necessarily believe those without dreams are soulless- i feel they are just a little lost, but leave them be for the journey they are on is important.

i fear everyday is a battle with my dreams vs every ones reality;
and just as in good vs evil- i fear an epic showdown will one day happen.

im scared shittless that a day will come when i am forced to choose between the two things i believe most in life: my dreams or love.
i know that the two arent mutually exclusive.
i know that it is possible to have the two together, and yet- i fret.
my stomach is littered with worries that eat at me like a cancer. what if a day comes when im at the fork in the road? what happens when the girl i love doesnt want to follow my whimsical way and wants me to 'settle down' and 'give up on my dreams'. people give up on their dreams everyday, everyday people die inside, and i
never want to become that.
my fire within me
is my dreams, thats what fuels me, its what pushes me into jobs with no pay, but great networking opportunities, its what pushes me closer towards hyper-creative insomniac who wears socks all the time.

will their come a day that i have to put my dreams on a shelf, and play house like everyone else?

i dont care how unrealistic ,idealistic, irrational or just play crazy you might think i am- but i know there will never come a day where i put anything above my dreams.
i will never truly die inside, as i am always going to be brimming with new dreams.
and then
my dreams will have dreams-
and everything will be ok.
so why do you worry, ash?

i love the most dynamic, captivating, magical, beautiful creature in the world.

and for the first time shes not a dream- shes
incredibly real.
she is all i could have ever manufactured in my romance peppered mind. she is, in essence, my dream woman. she gave me butterflies- she knows thats why i talked to her, but unbeknownst to her, what
initially attracted me to her was what she made my mind do.
normally when i meet someone for the first time my mind races a little bit- im taking every little bit of them in.
the obvious things first- presentation, clothes, shoes (tied/no laces/untied?), hair, makeup (or lack thereof), all outward things. but as we all know- they are misleading.
my thoughts jump to how they speak, listening to their mannerisms.
then my thoughts drift to
i wonder what they are like, what were they doing before this, what has their life been like?
but when i met her my thoughts went blank- as if every thought was erased, or rebooting, or put on hibernate mode, or something equally as 1984.
thats not what was so spectacular about her though, b/c i have met
one other girl who made my thoughts go blank. what is different about my dream girl is that while she made my thoughts disappear- she made my dreams come alive!!
everything was so rich, and dynamic- imagine the saturation bar of life was just amped up 1000%. colors more vibrant, the world seems so much more attainable, anything is possible, (i hate to be so common as to sum it up like this- but its perfect) i felt as if every dream was coming true.
that is the single most exhilarating feeling in the world.
fuck drugs- the very first moment i saw her i was higher than id
ever been in my life.
once we began talking, i found out very quickly, she wasnt afraid to dream with me. she wasnt scared to talk about
foolish pipe dreams that might never come to pass. she went on those journeys with me and brought my spirit back to life.
i know a day will come where i will have to place one above the other..
i hope this day comes later rather than sooner..
i suppose right now i shouldnt allow myself to be riddled with worry..
but- le sigh.

so who do you choose?
the one that brings you to life; or the one that
gives you life?

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