VLOG: "wow, that could have gone better"

"wow, that could have gone better"

my personal vlog

i spread my comedy wings and host my first stand-up comedy event at Ragtime in Arlington VA...needless to say, things could have gone better.

VLOG: dino for pterosaurs

dino for petrosaurs

my personal vlog

i constructed an entire VLOG around a 10 second clip of me making cat sounds...you're welcome world.

VLOG: august 11th

august 11th

my personal vlog

today brings many joyful things...
-the grand opening of Riot Act in Washington DC (8th & E NW)
-premiere of Apacowonderland later this evening

-METEOR SHOWER (i don't mention this in the video, but it is worth noting)

VLOG: job hunting

ashley goes job hunting

my personal vlog

with a new, state of the art comedy club set to open in DC in a few weeks, i kick up the creative in order to gain their attention...

VLOG: "the blind babbler"

"the blind babbler"

my personal vlog

VLOG: cool kid craft club

"cool kid craft club: party of one"
my personal vlog

VLOG: it's no joke...

"it's no joke...i'm fiscally broke"

my personal vlog

techburnt

techburnt
in an electrocentric world

there are several things i am good at. collecting pens that write smoothly and evenly- choosing the fastest lane when stuck in traffic- striking gold at thrift stores- and making crafts rank among my most useful skills. i used to fancy myself an avid texter as well but with the rise in text-related traffic accidents (read: they passed a law in both the states i drive in daily and i'm not trying to get any tickets) i've almost completely lost my desire not only to text but to communicate altogether via technology.

my tech-qualms aren't just limited to my phone, but the internet as well. i've grown increasingly more uncomfortable with the amount of information we ourselves willingly put out there. this epiphany couldn't have happened at a worse time, our society is rapidly changing and growing more and more dependent on technological what-have-yous. from cell phones to tablets to laptops to fucking robots that are disguised as cell phones (i'm talking to you driod); to hell with the copernican model- we live an electrocentric world and we've reached the age of automation.

for years science fiction writers and enthusiasts alike have warned us of a robot-lead revolution. fortunately for the masses the probability of robots raising arms against us is slim, but the likelihood of our own kind going ape shit with androids raised high is real- very real.

last week a friend and i were discussing our weekends. i told her that my sister and her boyfriend of 8 years finally got married and the ceremony was a beautiful one. the other bridesmaids and i wore long black and white silk gowns that danced in the wind. this would have been a picturesque moment were it not 11 degrees and all of us sans bra...but it wasn't about us- it was about love.

as i began to regale her with the tale of how the jello shots made it to the reception she stopped me mid sentence- "that reminds me, i'm so pissed at britt. i invited her out this weekend and she didn't respond to my text or my message on facebook. she's so rude."

sensing i had exhausted her with tales of my family being far too fun at the wedding, i fueled her tangent by stating, "don't you think you might be acting a bit harshly? it's just facebook and a phone...maybe she was out busy engaging in life or working. i think people are too quick to get pissed off about things that the other person isn't actually culpable for."

her pug looking head cock to the side told me that i had lost her. so i elaborated, "what i mean by that is, it's unfair of you to be angry with a person for something so trivial. if you never talk to britt face to face, how will she ever know you got upset about her lack of response? who's to say she even read your message? maybe she is ignoring you- but maybe she's just techburnt."

to be techburnt is to be completely strung out and over extended in the online world.

now i'm the first to admit, it comes across as pretty hypocritical of me to state that i'm not comfortable with a lot of technology and yet i have a twitter, a facebook, a tumblr, a youtube and a blogger account. in years past i even went so far as to swear to never sign up for a twitter account (as i was convinced it was a tool for the government to monitor 'the pulse of the people'...but that's a can of worms better left closed until another day.)

i now regard twitter as a electronic post-it pad that helps me organize my often scattered thoughts. unlike facebook it doesn't ram my activities in the faces of all my "friends". i don't have much to say positivity about facebook except when used properly it can be a great networking tool...this is the only reason i still have an active account, well- that AND i was allowed to change my name to "Eunikorn Kweif" (take that, heightened monitoring of name changes!).

my main gripe isn't with the services themselves, but how people conduct themselves after being privy to such personal information- as if that level of transparency is owed to us. it's unnatural to me to be mid-conversation with someone, only to be stopped with "oh yah i know, i read about that on your facebook...you mentioned it on someones wall i think." what the fuck?!

i doubt i can do much to hault the progress of technology, but i can change how i interact with it. the overwhelming exchange of information shouldn't be feared, but we most definitely need to address how open we are online (as well as how open we expect others to be). feeling slighted for a misconstrued comment or dejected after a missed response online are no grounds for termination of a friendship, but rather an opportunity for you to talk to said person IN REAL LIFE.

forgive me in advance for not being the best texter, emailer, facebook wall-poster, or tweeter...i promise you that i'm still the same great friend deep down but i'd rather engage with my real life over the e-one i've constructed (except with tumblr...where i'm forever online and forever alone, lol).

feel free to connect with me:
twitter.com/apacowayner
apacotopia.tumblr.com
youtube.com/apacowayner

dormant desire

dormant desire
aka: my life until now...

for as long as i can remember i've made it my mission to do two things- treat people as i'd want to be treated and never, ever be a cliché. the thought of being just like everyone else always terrified me and whenever i tried it it did nothing but make me feel even more unique and different.

my fear of being normal is due in large part to the fact that on paper- i am. since being accidentally conceived on moving day after the birth control was packed, my life has been painfully typical. upon entrance into the world i was cloaked in the most common name of the 80's, "ashley". growing up as a white, middle class girl with blond hair, blue eyes and having a pink 1989 vw cabriolet as my first car, it would have seemed that my barbie-doll life was well on its way to "happily ever after". where many would see a blissful, easy-breezy path towards the future- i saw monotony, complacency and the most dreaded of all- settling.

i've always had a love/hate relationships with plans. part of me yearns for the security of having an agenda and goals; the other part of me shuns anyone/thing that attempts to 'chain me down' and keep me from a freedom filled existence. in 2005 i graduated high school and there was no question- i was going to college for communications, in hopes of someday figuring out what the hell i wanted to do other than talk in public places and prank call people. (which i was very good at, i'll have you know)

it was an interesting place to be, between the certainty of the next four years and the looming uncertainty of what path i would go on after i got that piece of paper. i needed something more concrete. during my first year of college i tried desperately to sink my teeth into something fulfilling, something that would awaken me and set my dreams in motion. class after class; club after club; activity after activity; i found nothing that shook me to my core, i wasn't happy…i had to fix the problem.

there will always be those who doubt your choices on your journey towards ultimate happiness...sometimes that person may even be you. all too often we are scared to do what we want because we've been told "it's not sensible" or "it's not right" or "that's not the way it should be done". in 2006 i broke my parents heart and quit college in pursuit of my dreams.

my dreams were still pretty free-form at that point. ok, well that's a lie- i did know more than anything i wanted to be a stand-up comedian. it was the only dream i'd had since childhood that never went away. i love making people laugh, i enjoy being clever, and i like writing...it seemed like at every bend the universe was pushing me towards comedy. i wanted to move out to LA in hopes of making it big. ahh but then the pesky "i refuse to be a cliché" line kept swimming around in my head. "really ash? you think that you are any different from the countless other dreamers who flock to the west? you think an awkward, string bean of a girl would be successful on stage? you need something solid, something secure...you need to get a ball rolling on a career path."

after refusing to acknowledge my dream, i pushed onward in my search for happiness and i made a plan. i enrolled in a broadcasting school and quickly fell in love with radio. since childhood i could be found recording my own shows and forcing whoever would listen, to do just that. after being in school for a few weeks, i couldn't wait to get into a real studio. i snuck down the street one day after class and i talked my way into my first internship at a male talk radio station (unbeknownst to my teachers). the president of my school took me under his wing and pulled out all the stops in order to get my feet wet. he urged me to apply for a job with his daughter, which just so happened to be at the discovery channel. i landed the gig as a media librarian at the discovery channel communications HQ. in the year that i had been home after quitting college i had secured a full-time job with benefits, an internship at a popular radio station, and was going to broadcasting school...life was truly blossoming.

during my internship i worked for the morning show which consisted of four main guys, two producers, and a movie reviewer. on day one they pulled me on air to get to know me a little bit better. at the time i had just turned 19 and i was only recently comfortable discussing my sexuality publicly. it wasn't long before i was known as the 'hot-bisexual-intern' to listeners (i came out as a lesbian a year later), which was a regrettable way of confirming to my mother (a station listener as well) that i wasn't kidding when i said i wasn't straight. sorry mom!

i gobbled up any job i could around the station. from setting up events to recording commercials to escorting strippers to the greenroom…i did it all and happily so. i loved my time as an intern but as soon as it began the ride was over. a day prior to my internship being complete i was offered a position at the station, which i took (to replace the job i had recently left at the discovery channel) and staid there for another year and a half.

people are incredibly dismissive of radio due to the FCC manhandling all creative forces at play on air. many also complain that radio stations play a selection of music that's repetitive and often way too mainstream. what few outside of the radio world know is that terrestrial radio has the potential to be entertaining, interactive, enlightening, and something really magical. i will never stop believing in radio- ever, i only hope that the FCC someday recognizes the err of their ways and adopts the mantra from our own constitution- "freedom of the press".

finding a sense of belonging in the radio community, i pushed forward on the airwaves. i left the unpredictable world of male talk radio for a more straight laced spot on the dial- news stations. with all the shtick and sexually themed conversations i'd been a part of in the past, i welcomed the complete 180 of being in a news room reporting on serious events. i accepted a job working weekends as a traffic reporter and in a matter of months i had moved into a full time spot during the weekdays. a year after my first shift on air, i was offered a position on TV as the afternoon traffic girl- at 21, i couldn't have felt more accomplished.

for the past three and a half years i've dutifully reported the traffic day after day in the nations capital. it doesn't exactly get me the ladies but i'm sincerely fascinated with the ebb and flow of cars (traffic nerd 2 da MAXX). a ride with me is often sprinkled with little known reasoning behind major work zones, or fun stories of major accidents. nothing brings me as much joy as discussing the gruesome tales i've witnessed/reported on throughout the years...unfortunately, this isn't a shared love and more often then not people think i'm morbid or weird for finding my reports on daily death so fascinating.

that itch that prompted me to leave college is flaring up again in a major way. in recent months work has demanded nearly all of my time. i don't say that in the way that most people do when they are mindlessly complaining about their job- i say it in the most honest way possible. while i've gone to a social gathering here and there, since the end of the summer i've been swallowed socially by my job. sitting in it- driving through it- reporting on it- or trying to avoid it; traffic is all i can see. in years past, complete career saturation has been a welcomed occurrence; i like loving my job and don't mind being consumed with it. but the moon is shifting and the tides are changing in my little world, i'm gaining the confidence needed to reach out and follow the stars that live in my heart.

i know dreams won't stay asleep forever...i just hope i wake up in enough time to chase mine down.

usurp the drama queen: period

usurp the drama queen:

PERIOD

drama; a word that in my younger life evoked images of stage productions and movie stars, now is forever marred by the maxed out emotions of petty people. with the rate at which people complain about it you would think that drama was an unavoidable predator, who lurks in the shadows waiting to pounce on kind-hearted individuals.

upon first meeting new friends i pay close attention to their word choices. if the phrase, "i hate drama" tumbles out of their mouth (or the less true statement of "i'm totally drama-free") i'm sure to take note. not because i think i've stumbled across the one person who has no issues whatsoever in life but because they are probably full of shit and live for dramatic encounters.

i don't generally like to base my theories off of the assumption that people are liars but some of the most troublesome, disruptive personalities i've met also claimed to hate drama. therefore, my theory is rooted in truth (even if that truth is little more than my life experiences).

it would come as a shock to no one to learn that there is a portion of people who not only enjoy drama but seem thrive within its grasp. these people are commonly referred to as drama queens. they aren't always as attractive as mean girls would have us believe (something tells me i could have handled high school with a lot more grace where it lindsay lohan and her massive mammaries telling me i was a freak of nature but that's neither here nor there) my mother always told me to avoid these types of folks and keep my guard up around them. being the asshole child i was, i refused to believe any lesson that i hadn't learned in the most challenging way possible. i chose to try and tame the beast.

my thinking had always been if there are folks out there who do nothing but stir up drama, then it's possible for the exact opposite to exist. i learned very quickly that it was too idealistic of me to believe that one person could put out all the fires another had set.

negativity can sometimes spread faster than positivity. when negative vibes begin move around in hateful actions and gossip people start to feed off of it. to a certain extent we begin to enable each other, we tell each other it's ok to be nasty.

why? why would we encourage each other to be bitches and assholes? who's idea was it to think that being disrespectful, condescending, or in any way that you yourself would not like done to you, was any way to treat any woman (or anyone in the LGBT community or anyone ANYWHERE)? staying with just women however, i don't think its right to support our friends hurting other people, no matter who that is. jaded, hurt, alone, angry- we've all been there, but why inflict that on another person? why keep that cycle going? that goes against every grain of my being…i, for one, am standing up-

if you gain anything from this piece, i hope it is this- we are meant to lift each other up, never tear each other down. everyone is someone else; every body has different essence and soul; we are all worthy of both giving and receiving respect. in order for you to become the unicorn who storms the castle to usurp the drama queen and end her rude reign of tyranny you must be the period. someone has to end the cycle of drama. even if your period is scratched out by a later editor who continues to add more crap as a run-on sentence to whom which doesn't make sense but you have to end it sometime; a period always has to come.

unless there is an ellipse… you see, i've yet to find a person who truly leads a "drama-free life". the nature of life is that its unpredictable and at times tumultuous. we've been trained to think that all drama is bad- that it is something to be feared or hated or used as a way to gain power, but that's not true. drama can be (and is) a very beautiful, essential part of life. my only sister; my best friend. my body with bigger boobs and more interesting tattoos, is getting married in a few weeks. a freshly rattled snow globe would best describe the flurry of drama that has surrounded this one day. it's crazy to me but in an inexplicable way. i love her so much and i love them together, i wouldn't trade this drama for anything.

good, bad, essential or otherwise drama happens. we are all on this short ride together, doesn't it just feel right to help over hurt? everyone has lead a life up until the point you met them..we all are equals. drama queens around the world (and i do mean actual queens in some cases)? be wary, for someone somewhere read my message. that sour, slithering, saucy sentence you've been spitting? it's going to end…
soon…know why?
i'm on my period- BE THE PERIOD.