candy, unicorns, and rainbows

candy, unicorns, and rainbows
that's what the world is made of

i believe in the goodness of people. i waltz around southeast D.C. in the dead of night, fearing no one- seeing everyone as just a new friend. i embody the idealistic notion that people are inherently good. i believe that those who act in a negative way are simply acting out of anger and hurt, and thus- just need to be understood. i know all of this about myself and am ok with it. i'd much rather see the world as a good, warm place peppered with some shit versus just a barren, depressive place that we reside until we die. i find it hard to accept hate, fear, pain and negativity unless its slammed in my face.

until recently, i thought that our world was beginning to shift. i thought, 'i can come out, and people from my past will be wholly accepting, and little if anything will change'. my best friend, jill was a prime example of that. she knew of my struggles sexually, and when i came out to her she accepted me. still best friends- no questions asked.

as those from my past slowly began to trickle back into my life due to the oober-connected world of facebook, i thought optimisticly, 'maybe this is the start of a new old friendship. perhaps now older, wiser, and more mature we will be better equipped to interact together. they can meet my girlfriend, we can catch up on each others lives and EVERYTHING WILL BE GREAT!'

then i remembered how uncomfortable i was in high school.
i remembered the things that were done to me by these 'friends'.
i remembered sinking into depression, while desperately turning to them for help with no avail.
i remembered confiding in them, only to have my secrets splattered all over the walls of school.
i remembered living to impress these friends...which, not shockingly, i never did.
i remembered how quickly i was dropped and kicked from their lives after they found out i was a leper, no wait- just gay.

being punched back into reality i realize the quality of my life has gone nowhere but up since these people left my world. i am not desperate for their friendship any more, i don't need that to define me. their words no longer dictate my outfits, moods, hell- even my classes. but is it wrong i feel a sense of loss? not that i want someone in my life, who doesn't value me as i do them- but i wish that i pushed out of their lives on my own terms- not theirs, not like this.

it's not difficult to make the connection of after i came out- the friendships came to a screeching halt. 'come out' sounds so official- like i've made a declaration to them. i've not contacted any of them and 'come out'- i don't even interact with these people anymore. they know i'm gay because people still talk...alot.
i came out- the playful banter stopped.
i came out- the texts of 'lets meet up' stopped.
i came out- the friendships stopped.

i guess because i'm on the inside looking out its easy for me to say: i could never, ever let someone out of my life because they came to a conclusion about their sexual orientation. that's none of my business- and even if i feel it is, it's not as if they have turned into some freak who's going to attempt to feel me up given the chance.
a friend, is a friend, is a friend!

its funny. because i was close enough to tell my friends the feelings of confusion i had in high school...then they assured me everything was alright, it would all work out.
they were right. it is alright- it has all worked out.

*steps up onto soapbox*

but i will say this my friends-
who are we to judge ANY other person?
who am i to tell you what is wrong or right?
the world is subjective.
opinions make the world a beautifully diverse and painful place.
i don't think less of the people who choose to think of me differently because i'm true to myself.
i don't harbor hate, or even think their views are skewed.
personally, i choose to conduct myself in a different way.
and that's all i control.
so if anything, i suppose in my mind all i can do is thank them. thank them for showing me a different view of the world. sure- its a darker more superficial look than i would ever see without their help...but a different angle for sure, and that makes me more well rounded.

so, i've seen the more cynical side, and you know what? fuck being a realist. i will be the optimistic, firm believer in the good until i die!
THE WORLD IS MADE OF CANDY UNICORNS AND RAINBOWS!