Tuesday, August 24, 2010

the best way to get over one

the best way to get over one
is to get on top of another

i don't like AIDs. this fact, coupled with my fear of countless other STDs has prevented me from getting over my most recent ex...or so i've been told. i wasn't aware that my safety conscious attitude towards sex was an issue until my friend sat me down and dropped a deuce of truth in my lap. if it weren't for her enlightenment i would have been trapped in a very sanitary cage of celibacy for the rest of my natural born life...or at least until i got over my ex.

"ash- this summer has turned you into a social recluse! where have you been hiding? i never see you anymore!" i couldn't tell if she was genuinely upset or mocking me. "tell me- what you do outside of work? do you ever just wake up and do something crazy and unplanned?" i hate when peers ask that question. i've yet to find the perfect words to explain the delicate balance between spontaneity and rigidity in my world.

most of those i know live a life that's more conducive to last minute adventures. the life i've lead since dropping out of college at 18 has been consumed with plans, dreams, hopes and wishes- all devoted to my work. no relationship, party, friend or foe could prove to be more attractive than my goals. to this day very little can sway me from that path. sometimes it's lonely in the sense that i'm alone, but i've always been a relentless believer in hard work pays off, so whether it's now or 10 years from now i know i'll achieve what i've set out to do. that fact makes me happy.

this year, my year and a half long relationship dissolved along with the passage of spring. the only fiery-love left in my life comes from my work. no woman or activity has ever brought me the unrelenting joy and pleasure that work has. from my job that pays the bills to all the work surrounding my writing (blog and otherwise); the power that comes from creating is an infectious one. i've certainly felt that passion in my relationships with people but clearly nothing that has stuck with me longer than a few years.

i'm beginning to believe that work is the only lover i'll keep throughout the rest my days...and at the moment, that's an eerily comforting thought.

my friend, knowing my stance on work, snapped me back to reality by grabbing my face and stating, "you need to get laid." her blasé tone made me laugh. was she really speaking about sex in such a flat way? i told her, "it doesn't work like that for me. sex isn't an action as much as it's a reaction in my world. it has to be motivated by something in order to actually accomplish anything. if i went around slayin' hotties i don't think i'd feel nearly as fulfilled as i do when i complete a task."

after nearly falling out of her chair in a fit of laughter, my friend composed herself just enough to say, "you just compared sex- one of the most tribal, animalistic rituals man practices- to 'completing a task'." i corrected her, "i believe i put the task above sex, thank you very much." needless to say, she didn't share my enthusiasm. she kept stressing that i'm never going to escape the feeling of being in a relationship until i prove to myself that i'm not. that sounds like a rational line of thinking until you realize she's not talking about moving on so much as sleeping with others.

is it just me? am i the only one who sees the disconnect between the two? they aren't one in the same and yet everyone's advice is- get over one by getting under another.

i can't help but feel like i did in middle school when everyone had boyfriends except for me. my friends were learning how to kiss while i was picking popcorn out of my braces. i never felt bad about where i was in life until a popular girl alerted me to the devastating realization that i was lame. i was a virgin who couldn't drive. all the boys in school were lusting after my high-school attending sister. i still collected pogs (but only played the game by myself, which is arguably more lame than the fact that i simply collected them). i didn't even realize how lame i was until she took my bag of YIKES pencils and threatened to trash them. my squeal of terror did nothing to stop her ally-oop to the trashcan but it did confirm that we had different priorities.

without the help of that little douchette in seventh grade, my lameness would have probably spiraled out of control until i finally went through puberty 5 years later. the question now is, do i allow my beloved yikes pencils to be stolen and trashed once more? do i really get over one by sleeping with many? do i allow the words surrounding me to become my own?

i should stress the fact that i mean all of that in a rhetorcial sense. i'm content and completely satisfied throwing myself into my job. if crossing my legs and not partying makes me a prude- so be it...that makes for more porntime for me SUCKAS! plus, i really don't think that getting naked with new friends would make me feel anything but awkward...and lord knows i don't need help in that department!


  1. hahahha....no, you need to get laid. The awkwardness is part of the fun with the New Ones. And it doesn't have to be many, just a one or few.
    Orrr...you could just crank up I Will Survive by Gloria; but who would know you're a survivor if you stay alone?
    Peace Love & Grooviness!

  2. "she kept stressing that i'm never going to escape the feeling of being in a relationship until i prove to myself that i'm not"

    sleeping around is not an attempt to get over you. it just happens to happen. the actual act of getting over you takes more than some random fuck. random sex is meaningless. whether u r sleeping around or not, the emotional attachment is what its all about.

  3. I tried, I couldnt.
    Sex is sex, more is... well, better.

    Now, I feel like shit already with no need to be dealing with girls that say I make THEM feel like shit because I don't want a relationship and "use them for sex".

    So much shit already.

    I'm closing my legs thankyouverymuch

  4. At which point did you lose your morals in all of this? Answer= at NO point and your MORALS are what keeps you from bein' a "lady slayer". That's never been your style, nor will it ever be. Does that make you lame? No! Why would you even accept THAT thought from anyone else's thought process? Do what you want, but sleepin' around is not going to help anything - in fact, it may make it worse if it leaves you feeling empty. Agreed that maybe it's time to move on, but maybe that means opening up yourself to the possibility of dating, NOT jumping in bed with a stranger.

  5. i feel you on this one! i have also just gotten out of a relationship (almost 4yrs long) and i can't even fathom being with someone else. i have gone back to school and i am spending all my free time on that and redecorating my room. i don't see how sleeping with anyone would help my situation right now. sex=feelings=complications! i have plans and i know where i am going, i can't have some one night stand or "friend with benefits" fuck all that up for me. i say stay strong sista!

  6. All I can say is that I'm worse off.. I still have my POGs and I still try to get friends to play.. :D

  7. I don't think there is one "right" approach to getting over a relationship. There's nothing wrong with what your friend is suggesting, but that also doesn't mean it's right for you at this point -- in fact, it sounds like it is definitely not right for you at this point.

    Sometimes, you just need time.

  8. @kellyann- i've literally high fived a lady post-lovin'…i'll stick with gloria and pepper in some wilson philips for good measure. i really don't need any more awkward in my world. i send lots of good vibes back your way!

    @anon1- i understand all of that…i just didn't think it would be so hard to see you moving on and living your life. i sincerely mean it when i say 'i just want to see you happy' ( i know the same can be said from you to me) but that doesn't make life without my best friend any easier.

    @somegirl- here, here for closed legs!! =)

    @anon2- you're right, it has never been my style and it most certainly won't be now. i get that i'm different but i know that there are a lot of people who agree with me out there. thank you for your support cjl

    @anon3- wow, 4 years…that must be rough. a year and a half seems like small beans in comparison. when i was a kid and would get stressed out the only thing that would calm me was reorganizing my room…idle hands always make a sad situation more depressing unless they are being productive. =) hang in there buddy- we got this!!

    @neverbthe1- POGS RULE! i'd take you in a game or two if you were my real-life friend.

    @anon4- time…agh you are dead on with that, but time takes time and i've been feeling less than patient. it happened late spring- i feel silly for still having a heavy heart. you are right though, sleeping around isn't for me- maybe just for now, or maybe it's just how i'm hardwired.

  9. First of all, Yikes! were super sweet.

    Secondly, in my experience, rebounding is the worst possible thing you can do. It's not fulfilling for anyone. Especially if the rebound gets attached and, dare I say, wants more. Random sex, one night stands...I've never done them. It doesn't seem natural to me. My friends have had similar talks with me and they're all straight. I honestly think you've got the right idea. What you're doing is what I infamously call "Taking back your eggs and putting them into your own basket." You are your own constant. You are the only person you will be stuck with yourself for the rest of your life, so why not do good things for yourself, why not love yourself? Sex is just a distraction. You don't need a distraction, you need your passion. It's the only thing that will help the healing process. Again..in my experience. With that said, remember I gotcho' back sista. But damn girl, you got this shit on lock, ya heard?

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