don't stop- believin'
have you ever noticed no one seems to shout about their marginal skills when it comes to spotting gays? people love to tell you how fabulous their gaydar is; how they can spot lesbian in a sea of straw-fedora-clad hipsters. mirroring their tenacity, those whos gaydar sucks are equally as proud. their claim to fame is finding the most flamboyantly gay person alive, then swearing it was a curve ball when they came out.
a woman at work and i nearly came to blows regarding one, 'ricky martin'. she claimed that she was in love with him from day one and just could not wrap her brain around the fact that he came out. now, i'm not a pro in spotting gays but 'curve ball' and 'ricky martin's sexuality' don't exactly go hand-n-hand for me. his hip control alone lead me to believe years ago that, at the very least, he's seen some male-tail. she said that he's spanish and happy- not gay... that was literally her whole defense- an emotion and his lineage.
then others, much like my mother, think every woman with a wide stance and a pixie cut is checking her out. any frumpily dressed woman in wal-mart is a giant dyke in her eyes. everything with a vagina in home depot; all vegetarians; women who have neglected (by choice or convenience) to shave their legs- all of them are snatch goblins. their gaydar sounds the alarm at every boy in a speedo and any fella with a small dog. i wouldn't exactly call this "gaydar" as much as it's "reinforcing stereotypes"...but this is also from the mind of the same woman who told me i wouldn't ever get my period i would just turn into an ape on account of my ample, blonde, arm hair- so i get that sometimes her logic is a bit off.
there is yet another set of people who have no clue what the fuck they are doing in this blog post but they're really happy to be here. they don't cite reason or a vibe for assuming someone gay- these select few dig deep in their pants for others sexuality. you may call it 'wishful thinking'- i call it hopedar. through a dream and a scantily clad vision in their head, these folks look super-straight girls in the eye and tell 'em they're gay. you know those moments when you meet someone who you're just so blown away by that regardless of how long her nails are, you believe you have a solid shot. it doesn't matter than she has never heard of ani d. or tegan & sara... she's totally interested, or at the very least she will be gay for you.
i am not a stranger to hopedar. lindsay lohan captured my heart in her timeless portrayal of not one- but TWO adorably precocious twin girls separated by divorce in the 1998 remake of "the parent trap". her freckles danced across the screen and into my young heart. our one-sided love affair has done little to enrich my life but i've supervised hers in a way that would make any stalker proud. i tell myself she is gay. i want to believe the words as they trickle out of my mouth. i want to believe it has nothing to do with being 'edgy' or 'a media hot button'. i want to believe that one day i will see her semi-to-half naked in real life. i want to believe i will make her feel loved. i want to believe these things just as much as i want to believe miley cyrus and lilo might hookup with megan fox at a party...it all boils down to hope.
gaydar, hopedar and archaic ways of thinking are fun ways to mask the fact that we still look at each other and make snap judgements. we all know judging and assuming are wrong but if waldo taught is nothing else- at least he gave us the joy of the hunt, the thrill of the find, and the ultimate crush of realizing that it's not waldo but that douchbag who wears the striped hat. it doesn't matter if your gaydar is on point or you are shooting blanks...all that matters is that you do it with a smile on your face and love in your heart.