Friday, May 14, 2010



we've been told all of our lives that absence makes the heart grow fonder. it's a mantra that is clichéd- trite- archaic- and abstract; and yet we cling to it as if it's our only lifeline left when backed into a corner. when someone departs from our lives or general vicinity, in order to lessen the blow we fill our heads with idyllic notions that they will return to our arms or hearts one day. we hold onto the hope that at that point the past will be erased and a new world order will ensue with you both living like kings.

it's easy to ignore the fact that absence can also have the contrary effect; not making the heart grow fonder, but helping to bring to light the fact that humans are self sustaining creatures and you never needed anyone, but rather wanted them there. we throw so much up to the heavens and call fate whenever something "can't be explained"; and why? because internalizing a feeling and analyzing it proves to be too much of a challenge? fate might have brought you two together, but a mutual choice kept you together. don't minimize your role in your own life. yes, the universe is bigger and more powerful than most can imagine but that in no way trumps the power of human choice.

the truth of the matter is that sometimes people don't return. life isn't always a soap opera with reoccurring characters and themes; sometimes sentences end with a simple period over an ellipse...and that's the end. it is a very challenging mindset for me to accept, but everyday it becomes more actualized to me.

i've always been unusually plucky and optimistic, thus 'throwing in the towel' or giving up on ANYTHING isn't something i do without a fight. most people claim it's their pride that keeps them from admitting defeat; i claim it's my heart. to give up on a person, a feeling, a task, or a dream means admitting to myself i set the bar too high; it means i unrealistically thought i could do something that i, in fact, could not. fuck my pride- it's my heart that shatters when i fail.

i've come to the realization that acceptance doesn't directly translate into failure. the initial emotional response might feel the same, but in all actuality they couldn't be more different. with failure- you set out to complete a task and either weren't capable or chose not to follow through with. with acceptance, i liken it to a novel- within it are a number of chapters, the parts to a whole. and while some chapters are more salacious and titillating than others, you don't throw the book down in disgust because a chapter has come to a close- you press onward, eager to see what's next.

with failure comes defeat; with acceptance comes hope.

i'm not giving up on dreams/people/life in general, but i rest assured knowing that if a day does come that forces me to stare facts in the face and walk away from something arguably unfinished, i will greet it with hope over despair.
i know that i'm strong enough to weather any storm, as are we all...

1 comment:

  1. man... every time i read your blog it is so fitting to my own life.
    this was perfect. i wish i had the same ability to verbalize human emotions like you. i also don't like to give up, i like to fight for something i want. recently i did that and the person i was fighting for didn't even care to respond. i'm still mending my broken heart, but what can you do but move on? there is so much in the future to look forward to....