Tuesday, May 25, 2010

post break-up relationship

post break-up relationship
who the hell are you?!

"what's in a name? that which we call a rose
by any other name would smell as sweet;
so my baby would, were she not my baby call'd,
retain that dear perfection which she owes
without that title."

after a relationship ends most assume that's it- the dissolution of the partnership is final and definitive. you both go your separate ways and hope to never run into each other ever again. as far as being 'lovers' is concerned, that chapter of your lives is over. outside of hollywood there is no end scene where all is right with the world and the two- temporarily parted lovers- run, slow-mo, into each others arms in a field of sunflowers. there is no moment where aerosmith's "don't wanna miss a thing" blares loudly over speakers and you kiss once more before one of you goes off to blow up an asteroid that is aimed to destroy earth. sometimes it simply is what it is, and that shared portion of your lives is done.

what we often forget is that in the avalanche of sadness there is room for hope. while something established is coming to an end, it is also the beginning of the newest chapter in your life- one of friendship with your ex. this isn't an easy route, but it can be done. where is the manual that says how one is to function after a break up? is it so wrong to handle oneself in a mature, reasonable manner? after every break-up i've had throughout my life i've been force-fed this 'mantra of independence' by those around me. you, undoubtedly are aware of this mantra without even knowing it. it's the well rehearsed speech that naturally tumbles out of our mouths when we see a friend in pain. regardless of the situation surrounding the break-up, catch phrases such as "you have more time to focus on you"; "you are better off"; and "you are now completely free", sting like an army of wasps. their intention is to make you feel more at ease with the notion of singledom and prevent you from future heartache but with every one liner tossed at you, you are further reminded that it's real- and it's gone. i don't think it's always appropriate to befriend an ex, but i have found that those who treat their break-ups as a transition into friendship generally come out of the ordeal with a few less scars.

there are sometimes where cutting and running is what you have to do. i hold onto the idea that everyone, with a little effort, can coexist in a harmonious fashion. i'm not about to say that everyone can be friends, because while YES it is in everyones limits to befriend everyone else it just doesn't happen like that. there are some people who just do not get along with others.

but for those who are open to friendly relations with exes, have you ever felt the harsh eye of friends of loved ones who think that the past should be left in its place? i've had lovers who didn't like that i was on good terms with exes, i've had lovers who strictly forbade any contact with exes (that relationship didn't last long. if you don't trust me than there is no room for us). on some level i can understand the hesitation, and agree with it- however in a relationship there should be a level of mutual respect. it seems if people have a problem with anyone, anywhere holding the title of 'ex'. wouldn't that include the greater portion of the world?! i digress, i've had friends who wouldn't go to parties because exes were there. i've had friends who refuse to have any exchange with their exes at all, and for what? like it or not, these people are a part of your history.

please don't misconstrue my words; i'm not trying to fill your head with grandiose ideas of a fictionalized life where every human interaction is ideal...no, i'm filling your brain and my chest with positivity and the hope of a brighter day as i know this life is a see-saw. i know that the pain i've experienced and seen inflicted all around me when couples fall apart. now even if a break-up is done on the best of terms, with the sweetest of intentions, hurt/rejection/and loss are all there...just as when things end on a sour note. there is no two ways around that swamp of sadness, but i think that in some cases it is possible for that relationship not to end but transform into a friendship. i think that sometimes your grandma is right and every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end...ok, either your grandma or semisonic.


  1. i'm like you. i'd like to think that the relationship can just redevelop as something new and different. it's amazing how many other people don't feel that way or are not capable of doing that.

  2. maybe i am being idealistic and delusional...maybe i'm holding onto the hope that there is nothing final aside from death...but i can't tell you how many people have tried to beat into me that "you just can't be friends with your exes"...are they just supposed to die after a relationship dissolves?

  3. I dont think youre being delusional. It is possible to be friends after the relationship(if the other person has the same intentions) however the friendship may be strained at first. I have been lucky enough to continue friendships with my exes, but the trick for me was we both had our 'space' for a few months and rode the emotional roller coaster that is a break up separately. Then, later, we gradually came back into contact with one another. Just be patient. I believe that things happen for a reason or at the very least, we are able to make the best of it. Hope this helps.

  4. anon- you bring up a vaild point, i think that transition period is important even though i know that i often try to skip that just to keep things on the up and up. (a counterproductive measure as it generally has the opposite affect and puts more strain on an already complicated relationship) thank you for your words, =) they did help.

  5. i like the way @anon thinks! i agree!