Monday, May 31, 2010

late night confessions: friday night

late night confessions
tell me sweet little lies

i have a confession to make- friday night i lied to a stranger for no reason at all and the guilt has been killing me.
after going out to a local bar my roommate's friend invited a few guys back over to our place. completely unaware of this fact, i began to freak out on the drive home-
with a pinch of panic in my voice i said, "hey guys, i don't mean to be a puss- but the car behind us has been following us since we left fairfax. i'm going to circle the house so they don't know where we live. after three or four left turns you can call the police."
a muffled giggle came from the backseat, followed by-
"aw ashley- you are so cute. those are my friends! they are supposed to be following us!"
don't roll your eyes at me... i'm not overly cautious but i am overly trusting- and i know this about myself. i'm the girl who believes every angry person just needs a friend- even if that anger puts a shank in their hand, that doesn't mean that they can't toss me a high five with the other. with the rose colored glasses i refuse to take off, my mother always said- better to be safe than sorry...and this was one of those times.
after arriving home we all settle down and begin to talk. it's rare that new straight men are in our home, normally the wiener-owners that grace us with their presence are our well established lesbros.
not shockingly the four dynamic personalities surrounding these boys eventually caused them to sit back and simply marvel at our always entertaining conversations.
one boy was very quiet, so i tried engaging with him. "so, you grew up in this area?" in northern virigina, that's always a great go-to question, because more often than not the answer is yes and it will spawn a new conversation about how typical this area can be.
paying just a dash of attention to him must have gotten his gears turning as he then became particularly inquisitive. normally i would happily entertain the line of questions being tossed at me, but he was blacked out drunk and i was certain he wouldn't remember meeting me- let alone the conversation in question.
when i came to that conclusion it was then that i decided to have a little fun...
"you guys have a really nice place here. how did you all meet?" he asked as he stared at me blankly.
without skipping a beat i, equally as blasé, retorted "oh, we met off craigslist."
clearly he wasn't expecting that, "really? craigslist is sketchy as hell."
"well- everyone knows craigslist is a front for criminal enterprises." i muttered as shot him a glance that said- i don't fuck around. "we're no exception."
it's worth mentioning that i've never been classified as anything remotely close to 'intimidating'. my glowing, alabaster completion coupled with my awkwardly long limbs do nothing but remind people of an albino scarecrow...except even crows aren't scared of me. however i can masterfully commit to an idea and sound so believable that even the most outlandish of shit that topples out of my mouth sounds plausible.
"f'real?" he said half smiling- still unsure of my truthfulness "that's cool."
deadpan, i assured him "we are deep into money do you think four young women afford this place? you have no idea who you came home with."
anything more would have been too much, anything less- not nearly enough. without giving him a chance to respond i left the couch and retired to my room for the evening.

while alone in my slumber palace i congratulated myself on a job well done. i had successfully managed to either terrify my new friend or lick the envelope on my awkward life status- either way i left feeling satisfied. while i did feel a bit guilty about lying- i can't exactly apologize. for if were i to run into my new friend ever again i would most definitely recommit to my money laundering, craigslist loving ways. who knows, i might even let him know my gang affiliation!!


  1. i'm glad you finally mentioned it, cause i always thought of you as an albino scarecrow...;)

    you crazy.

  2. hahahahahaa... this one had me rollin. I would have burst out laughing, so thankfully you didn't have someone there like me to ruin your fun! hahaha

  3. met your friends off Craigslist? And you launder money? While I know those are not true, I DO know you sport those rose-colored glasses well and proud !

  4. hahahahahahah love this.