guilty pleasure, uncouth treasure

guilty pleasure
uncouth treasure

i have a confession to make; a guilty pleasure of sorts. it's incredibly embarrassing when i think about it from a logical, mature standpoint. my rational side knows it's highly inappropriate and degrading but damn it if i don't love a disrespectful ditty. nothing gets my gears going on the dance floor like lyrical gems such as, open up her legs then filet mignon that pussy.

i know for a fact i'm not alone in this admittedly hypocritical belief. i have scores of lady friends- young and old- who coyly nod 'yes' when asked if they tap a toe or two to these mildly misogynistic jams. now, in the interest of being impartial (or as impartial as one can be on an opinion based post), it's also worth mentioning that numerous women thumb their noses at these songs and find them disgusting. you most certainly won't find them downloading them offline, much less paying for them in stores. the baby feminist in me cringes when these songs turn into club anthems for intrinsically, i believe that women should indeed be respected and treated as equals. but the fact still remains, i'm lookin' for a dime that's top of the line- cute face slim waist with a big behind.

before you shake your fists wildly, don your activist hat and begin penning your 'way to set the women's rights movement back 25 years' letters, know that i wouldn't make such a blasphemous statement against women unless i had some reason to support my claims.

in recent years there has been a movement of women who are out to 'reclaim their sexuality'. when i first became aware of this movement, the mantra was intriguing. i like being a lady; i support the rights of my fellow females; and while i've never felt like someone commandeered my sexuality per say, i'm down for reclaiming it! in theory, reclaiming your sexuality is great. many therapists encourage women to own their bodies and subsequently their sexual desires. this proves to be a tremendous help to rape victims in particular, who often suffer with a laundry list of sexual issues post-trauma. i have absolutely no gripes with those who 'reclaim their sexuality' in a healthy and productive manner.

my issue with this mentality comes from another group of women; those who assert their sexuality by flaunting it indiscriminately and in the process completely undermining the whole point of reclaiming it in the first place. under the guise of being strong-willed and sexually confident these women belittle themselves by accepting a role as a sexual object. you no doubt have heard of those ladies who try to 'turn the tables' on their male counterparts by joining them in an emotionless take on relationships.

please don't confuse my stance on these women as me saying i don't support sex outside the confines of a relationship. i most certainly can get behind a more liberal take on sexuality; i even support casual sex between consenting adults . as i grow older i understand more and more how people can float through life unattached to another person. it's not wrong or morally corrupt, it's just a different viewpoint than my own. i just don't understand how one can claim that they are owning their sex by giving it away for free and treating it as if it's nothing special.

if some can go so far as to claim that by devaluing our sex we are in some way harnessing it's energies, then i don't think it would be too brazen of me to state that i think these horribly offensive songs are simply misunderstood. what we once classified as objectifying language is in actuality- well, ok...drop down on all fours like a dog, now i'm lookin at yo ass 'fore i hit it does prove to be a bit of a challenge to spin in a positive manner. ..a challenge? yes. impossible? no.

see, what the classics such as: 'me and my bitch' from biggie; 'jane fonda' from mickey avalon; 'i can tell' from 504 boys; and pretty much anything out of lil wayne's mouth, have in common is their unquestionable love of women. sure, they may use some depersonalizing terms in reference to us ladies but to me their intentions are clear. it's obvious that these men are spitting licks about women not because they hate them, but because it's whats on their mind. the female form is an irresistible one. one that has the power to burn an image in your mind. a form that is worthy of praise, accolades, and commemorative songs. these men are merely glorifying the majesty that is a woman.

the challenge isn't in reading between the lines in order to uncover something sweet amongst the bitch and hoe references; the challenge is in changing ones perspective in regards to these songs. upon hearing, police pull me over- they don't write no ticket, all between my legs tryna lick it, it would be easy to be offended- it's harder to admit it's just a song and isn't worth getting upset about. do i honestly believe these disrespectful lyrics are worthy of high praise? most certainly not, but i won't deny that i enjoy the beat and find the words hypnotic.

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now that the weight of this guilty pleasure is off of my shoulders i implore you to listen to the following uncouth treasures (as compiled by friends and myself):
*~ bitch is a bitch- NWA
*~ lil freak- usher
*~ raindrops- jeremieh (to be honest, i just like the video because i enjoy the way the women are shaped, the lyrics of the song are actually quite gross when you think of what sort of raindrops he's referring too- or i'm just a perve who took it there)
*~ pull my hair- ying yang twins (honest to god, one of the sexiest- nastiest songs around...i can't get enough)
*~ pussy- jackie o (you have to do some digging to find this gem, as she released a more PC version called 'nookie'. this song must be played on high blast in your car...or would be fun in a gynos office)
*~ i can tell- 504 boys
*~ so rich, so pretty- mickey avalon (or any song mickey does, to be frank.)
*~my neck, my back- khia
*~smack my bitch up- prodigy

queerFAQtor wednesday

queerFAQtor wednesday
the tale of pacosaurus and the ashonaut

this week we were to tell a story- i'm sure that the topic more specifically was implying that we tell a story about our own life but my life is boring in comparison to the tale of the pacosaurus and the ashonaut...agh, alright, you got me- i just wanted an excuse to try and make an astronaut helmet this morning (fear not, i failed miserably).

"yes, it still exists" files #1

the "yes, it still exists" files
#1: pusspie

last week, i didn't wave to the man who let me slip in front of him while in bumper to bumper traffic. not only did i not wave, but i didn't even bother to turn my turn signal on as the merge implied that i was going to be doing that anyways. i'm not generally such a discourteous driver. normally- were i not to frantically wave back, i would spend the rest of my drive feeling guilty that i had been one of the people i hate so much. i would have let thoughts of, "i hope i didn't upset that driver" and "if i had waved, perhaps their day would have been a little bit brighter" overwhelm my brain. this day was different, it was clear that everything i once loved was doing little more than annoying the shit out of me:
children laughing on the playground by work- look at those fuckin' slackers.
a sweet girl flying a kite- i hope you get electrocuted and your flying bit of joy crashes to the ground in a ball of fire.
old people holding hands while sitting on a bench- *rolls eyes* i bet that old fella creeps on the regular with women 30 years his junior.
a kitten crosses the road- AGH, HE'S NOT EVEN A LOLCAT- FLOOR IT!
it was offical- i was in a bad mood.

people slip into funks from time to time- it's inevitable. upon hearing of someone feeling low, we are all too quick to tell them to 'snap out of it'. sometimes the best cure for a bad mood is to work through your sauciness, truly allow yourself to wallow in that anger for a little bit. surround yourself with your most passive aggressive, sickly sarcastic, perfectly pessimistic friends and let the hostility within you escape.

after that, it's nice to be reminded of the goodness in the world. when in a bad mood, the bright spots in life often fade and are more difficult to see. that's where i come in with a series i like to call the "yes, it still exists" files. these are little tales that i've stumbled across that are shining examples of- well, just plain goodness. lest it be something sweet ive witnessed amongst couples, or a simple gesture that put a smile on my face the intention of these posts are to lift your spirits and remind you that even when it seems that the entire world is on it's period and is cranky as hell- that goodness, love, and kindness still exist...

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pusspie

dee hadn't been feeling well all week- she was most definitely having 'one of those days weeks'. it's worth mentioning she's been in the process of moving from dc to massachusetts for a little while now- a move that substantial would be more than enough to stress someone out, especially now that it's coming down to the wire. but add to that transferring schools, battling a cold, still maintaining a job, and tackling life's riddles- dee was spread thin and worn out...she needed a reprieve.

after a particularly challenging day, dee walked into her house- hating life. no doubt grumbling under her breath, rueing the day every annoying person was born. her cold made her sleepy, her interactions with humans made her want to dismember them, and she had almost forgot what love felt like for a moment.

she sassily walked her way into the kitchen (because, let's be real- everywhere dee walks it's in a sassy manner...girlfriend's got a lot of attitude in her walk, and by 'attitude' i mean 'assitude'.) whilst fumbling around for something that would lift her spirits she spotted a delicious new friend. what did she find on the counter? none other than a homemade pie just for her, placed lovingly on the counter by stancil.

if stancil had simply made her a pie, i would have thought that was pretty sweet- but nothing too above and beyond the normal gestures of love. but good ol' stancy didn't stop at just a pie- she lovingly painted a pretty pink friend atop the pie, stuck a thermometer in her hole with the message of, "get well- and enjoy this pussy pie".
that ladies, that's what i like to call, real love.

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so- if you are having a case of the monday's today (or any day for that matter) remember, it still exists...even if you personally don't see it.

queerFAQtor wednesday

queerFAQtor wednesday

fears and phobias

i ain't 'fraid of no ghosts...but santa is a whole different ball game.

hopes, dreams, wishes

hopes, dreams, wishes
...and unicorns

i think about dreams everyday. i think about my dreams; i think of the forgotten and abandoned dreams of our salad days; i think about the dreams of those around me. hopes, dreams, wishes (and unicorns...why the hell not?) are polaroid's into someone else's imagined world. the number of people you have slept with, how many poor life choices you have made, or your most classified information is of little importance to me. the secret of yours that i covet above all things is your honest, unfiltered, flight of fancy. to me, nothing is more fascinating. i'm not sure what it is but the concept of turning a whimsical notion into a reality is inspiring to me. on my own, i cook up new dreams daily- a constant flow of optimistic energy surges through my brain, and after some hemming and hawing regarding logistics, out pops a shiny new ambitious aspiration. will it take flight and turn into something tangible? or will it give birth to another idea that will push me further? only through living and learning will i find out.

talk of the weather, what you do for a living, or if you come here often are the common standby's people jump to when attempting to strike up a conversation. why? why water-down your mind for the sake of forcing an exchange of words? if i'm talking to you- i want to engage with you and there is nothing more i'd like to gain from a stranger than their life thesis. the same four words tumble out of my mouth to stranger and lover alike- what are your dreams? i can't seem to stop myself- i continue to drop my bucket into their well of life, hoping to gain clarity in my own. i want to know what inspires them, what propels them forward in life, what prevents them from living a sedentary and unfulfilled existence. i enjoy watching people struggle to find the words to accurately express what is literally untouchable.

it's interesting the answers you stumble across when asking people to lay out their goals. some abruptly answer with curt, snarky, uninspired thoughts such as, "i dont know, now leave me alone." a handful have well versed, highly documented plans that they are more than happy to lay out in great detail. you might think this would be a chore to listen to but in reality these hyper a-type personalities are simply inspirational to chat with. once you get beyond their heir of importance and you drop the notion of, "wow, i suck. what am i doing with my life, comparatively speaking", you find the spark. the metaphorical light inside their eyes that comes on only when someone is committed and passionate about a goal or theory. seeing something so honest, so quick, so slight, in a person who only functions using logic gives a glimmer of hope to the non dreamers- and fuels the fire of those already awakened.

i find more often than not, people fall into a third category. while they don't know their ultimate path, they aren't apathetic about it...just wide eyed, open, ready to take it all in. a mindset that doesn't exactly classify as a 'curveball' from my peers. we are early to late 20-somethings, it's almost to be expected that we'll grapple with life's infinite questions and riddles.

so- you just graduated college and placed your beautiful piece of paper on the mantle at your parents house (because, let's face it- aside from that degree, you aren't quite rolling around in paper). after the novelty of being a graduate wears off, the reality of life drops a steaming load in your lap. said load is chalked full of fun nuggets; "i am going to be stuck here forever."; "do i go after money, or go after my passions?"; "SERIOUSLY, WHERE ARE ALL THE FUCKING JOBS AT?!"; "you gain experience from the job, but to get the job you need experience. WHAT?"; "i am suckling the proverbial teat again...living off my parents."; and finally, the most pressing of all, "what the hell am i doing with my life?" i'm right there with you my friends. actually, the overwhelming majority of people: fresh faced 20-somethings, cougars pushing 50, or not-so-legal pre-teens; we are all there...wandering, but never lost. we are all puttin' along in the same little boat, the s.s.insight plus a dingy named magic (because proper planning is key, one never knows when the boat will capsize...comon, you really think i'm going to be that wreckless- pfft, yah right).

my mother's dream has always been to be a writer. i remember as a child, her innate ability to paint a picture with words captivated my young mind. always encouraging us to think creatively, she would use the guise of a 'game' in order to teach my sister and i. as a budding wordsmith, i loved when she would give out a 'word of the day' and a la pee wee herman, we would use it as often as possible and then celebrate wildly when it was used correctly in a sentence. one of my favorite games she would play with my sister and i was 'finish the story...'. as the name implies, the object of the game is to add onto a story that is being passed around amongst the participants. my sister hated this game with a passion. not because she's devoid of an imagination but rather one time my mother told a story about our dog dying, being put on a boat, and sailing off for 'greener pastures'. the 'max story', while completely fabricated, is still referenced to this day as a moment my sister was scarred for life...my mother's defence? "stories have a mind of their own, you can't always control them".

my mother is a lot of things but a big dreamer she is not. she talks often of her lifelong dream to write and be published; to be read and be understood; to be the creator of a world and to connect with strangers. but the darling defeatist is quick to admit that after being with the same company for over twenty years; after utilizing the same skill set day after day; after children and a life; dreams slip away. priorities shift from passions to obligations, and while they are never completely lost- they do transform. the once bright, shiny, hope filled possibilities shift into a dull pain in the pit of your stomach. dreams unchased become cancers, and only serve reminders of an incomplete mission.

i've always felt a tremendous amount of guilt in regards to my mother's life. she chose a family and a secure career path over following her goals for no other reason than she wanted to provide a steady foundation for our family. whilst in the throws of adolescence, i came to the conclusion that life after school would result in one of two options. i would, like my mother, fall into a stable career path; live within the same 15 mile radius for all of my days; and long for the chance to do what made me happiest. or i could work relentlessly towards something i believe with every fiber of my being; live a less secure life than i feel comfortable with; and wake up everyday knowing i'm moving in the right direction.

my hopes and dreams might have changed throughout the years, but my passion never has. i've had ups and downs and dealt with the typical ebbs and flows of life. i've felt listless, uninspired, misdirected, and hopeless in the process of following my happiness. there have been moments where i've collapsed and told myself "your work is meaningless, what are you doing it for?". there have been more than a few times that i've felt completely lost- we all have, but the beauty of life is that as long as your living there is the opportunity for change. as long as oxygen tickles your nasal cavity at a life sustaining pace, you are still in charge. while they are all healthy ideals; security, being 'safe', and erring on the side of caution does nothing but limit your potential. i will be the first to admit, i do things as safely as possible...i enjoy job security, i like a regular paycheck, i hate being low man on the totem pole but assure myself i'm simply paying my dues. i'm ok with where i'm at- but that's the only place i'll ever be unless i do something to shake things up.

i'm going to do something that many might think is impulsive and rash; i'm going to do something that some might deem absurd- frivolous even; i'm going to do something to for no other reason than i feel compelled to; i'm going to do something whether or not it's approved; i'm going to do something to make the nagging voice in my head who shouts daily, "you aren't working hard enough", finally shut up.

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the ninety and nine are with dreams, content but the hope of the world made new, is the hundredth man who is grimly bent on making those dreams come true.

-edgar allan poe-

the cloud game

the cloud game
www.youtube.com/apacowayner

i hope you have a magical day.

queerFAQtor wednesday

queerFAQtor wednesday
ayo girl, whatcho type be!?

just fast foward to the end...if you are a booty fan, you can thank me later for the sassy gem i sneaked in there; if you are a mammory gal, you need to fast foward to 5:05. happy humpday, friends!

lesbifriends lends a hand...

lesbifriends lends a hand
you are not alone

i've recieved a handful of emails throughout my time running lesbifriends. after sifting through spam, porn (which i will defend as 'not always spam'), and a few mismarked emails i did come several letters intended for me.

the common theme that has run throughout the messages has been a basic one- help me. whether it's 'help me find more gays to hang out with' or 'where can i go this weekend' or even 'how am i to approach other women'. (admittedly, you are on your own with the last one...my approaches rarely work for me- let alone other people. i just thank my lucky stars that my dreamboat of a girlfriend somehow fell for the ball of awkward that is ashley.)

one e-mailer struck a cord with me and it prompted this post. in her e-mail she explained that she felt alone as she was newly out and didn't know where to turn. undoubtedly a last resort, reached out to me for comfort.

i am in no way trained to help clincially, mentally, or physically...but if you ever need a little friend, my hand is outstreched- all you have to do is grab ahold! when i was at my lowest and i felt abandoned and shunned by all of those around me; i remember vowing then and there to one day become that one person to someone else. the one person who reconnects you to society, who acts as a soundboard, who you can unload on without fear of judgment or ridicule.

click here to e-mail me

feel free to email your comments, concerns, worries, or questions over my way.

take care friends!

random thought #28

random thought #28

a little lesbot rant + some thoughts

___________


"i'm not a lesbian!" the phrase took me by surprise coming out of her mouth...i know sexuality is fluid and i don't raise issue with those who amend their title later on in life- but this girl has slept with more women than shane, loves crafts more than rosie o, and hasn't seen a woozle since sex-ed in high school. her tirade continued, "i refuse to allow this world to place me in a box, and the title of LESBIAN does JUST THAT." you would have thought she was speaking at a gay rally and lesbians had switched sides and were picketing with westboro baptist church. melodramatically, she went on, "walls cannot hold me back- the term 'lesbian' is so passé i just- i- i- i can't do titles any longer... from now on i am simply 'me'."

i appropriately chimed in, "oh, well that's neat... so can i still hit on you or not?" cue the pregnant pause, "what? was that out of line??" apparently it was and a dramatic eye roll from my friend was the only response i got. it was clear that her passionately prepared speech fell upon my deaf ears, and she did not get the reaction she had hoped out of me.
how did she expect me to respond? "thank god you don't identify as a lesbian anymore...who wants to sleep with snatch all the time anyways? lesbians are boring- what with all the plaid, only hitting on girls, the downright reckless use of beanies. good for you for spicing it up... fuck those walls holding you back."

she told me that she was no longer a lesbian, but simply 'me'...am i to congratulate you on identifying yourself as yourself? i get that finding yourself is a journey, but is saying 'i am me' really THAT much of an epiphany? i'm sorry you don't feel that 'lesbian' is an appropriate title but i'm tired of swallowing negative statements just so someone else can feel 'more like themselves'.
don't get me wrong, i'm thrilled that you have found a more accurate way of identifying yourself, but don't rip others down in the process. while 'lesbian' may be a confining title for you, it is a liberating one for me. it took me years to say it aloud, let alone identify as such. the word alone has proved to be the key for countless women who have found strength in identifying as a lesbian.

those 'walls' that you refer to, the very ones you claim hold you back, are self imposed. the world doesn't care who you sleep with; the world doesn't say because you are a lesbian you can't have feelings for certain people; the world did not place you in a box. you allowed yourself to believe a simple word could dictate your life, and with that you all but jumped into the 'box' you are trying desperately to escape.

___________

is it just me, or have both diane sawyer and katie couric found their inner power dyke now that they are on nightly news?

at first , i could excuse the more conservative attire as a move thats intent was to mirror the serious tone that their broadcasts have taken. the networks had their work cut out for them. both women left very public, successful morning show positions, where it was their duty to be the nation's little cupcake of news come 7am. and now their job requires them to be strong assertive, credible, newscasters...(which i think they both are doing well- but my girl, diane, is KING)


now, the hair is shorter; the blazers have broader shoulders; and the overall look is more gender neutral...watchout rachel maddow, they' re all about your dyke swagga'!
___________


{-} an ashley definition {-}
republican fanatically right-winged party-sexual girls:
(personal pronoun); women who openly and proudly wear their political affiliation on their sleeve, they are not afraid to get up in your face and let you know that they are merely trying to 'protect the country and the constitution' and are tired of being 'Taxed Enough Already". they also are liberal lipped when it comes to denouncing a 'gay lifestyle'. what they neglect to mention is while they don't support gay rights, nor do they think the bible 'supports' our way of life, they have no problem getting wasted and trying to inhale another chick's face.


i'm certainly not implying these girls are lesbians or even bisexual for that matter, my issue with these women lies in their living in a hypothetical world. am i to assume by their actions that being gay is only ok when you are wasted and you laugh about it later as par for the course?


it's worth mentioning that living in/around the nation's capitol, it's not uncommon for people to be extremely boisterous in regards to their political beliefs. i guess my issue is less with the fact that they are committed to their causes but rather that i believe what i believe because i consider it part of the fiber that makes me. i don't support gay rights because my party does- i support gay rights because intrinsically, it matters to me. so when someone is steadfast enough in their beliefs to tell me that "gay rights are not important to americans", then they turn around and do something very gay (ala a flirty photo shoot with your friends in the bathroom, where making a V over your mouth with your fingers whilst pretending to eat your friend out is just 'cute' and 'girl stuff') one can understand my confusion.
___________

queerFAQtor wednesday

queerFAQtor wednesday
apacowayner "interviews" jillybean05

i love my best friend with every fiber of my being. my heart aches without her near; she is in my utopia, san fransisco, and i sit atop capitol hill. this weeks topic was supposed to be 'interviews' but jilly and i got a bit distracted...to say the least.

also, while we are on a video vein i have something i'd like to pass along. a movie was brought to my attention today after someone mentioned the story of joe wilson. after joe and his partner announced their marriage in their local newspaper, controversy soon followed. as a filmmaker, it was only logical for joe to chronicle his journey and turn it into a movie. out in the silence is his film and a must watch film for everyone! it "will challenge you to rethink your values and help close the gaps that divide our communities."
http://www.wpsu.org/outinthesilence

sex before marriage; do it for your health

whilst flipping through old writings the other day, i stumbled across an essay i wrote back in college. it tickled me that the topic was 'sex before marriage' because i was just having a conversation with a coworker the other day about just that. specifically, how archaic an ideal that was, how rare it is to find in modern-day relationships, and how it doesn't seem to apply to homosexual relationships.

don't get me wrong, i'm not trying to further the stereotype that homosexuals are sexual deviants, who throw morals and caution to the wind when engaging in sexual acts (because if you want me to break it down and get real with you, we are all humans- hetero or homo, it matters very little...we all are capable of terrible things). i am stating however, that it isn't uncommon for people to not know the extent of their feelings towards one sex, until they act upon it. now that gays can get married in some states and countries, we have to consider if this ideology applies to us.

sex a personal, private choice- that much i understand. my biggest frustration is the stigma of supporting a sexually assertive lifestyle. the general assumption is supporters of sex are loose-moraled, down to sleep with strangers, probably cool, and started smoking cigarettes when they were 14.

my father always told me that assumptions do nothing but make an ASS outta U and ME (get it?! it spells assume! my father is full of adorably appropriate, borderline trite, sayings). while normally i would embrace the title of 'probably cool', i just can't accept that because my morals are different than yours i am the unorthodox one...i am the one who is deviating from what is 'socially acceptable'...but that's a rant for another day- in the meantime enjoy today's post!

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sex before marriage
DO IT FOR YOUR HEALTH

Although the meaning of life has never been clearly defined, humans know that one of their main purposes on earth is to produce offspring. In order for the human race to sustain life as we know it, procreation is the only way. It has been going on since literally the dawn of time and will continue to forevermore. But at the birth of the religious age a widely accepted principle came upon the scene, that sex was reserved only for the married, and was for the sole purpose of procreation. No pleasure, relief or happiness was to come out of the act of sex, merely a child. Sex before marriage was seen as a social taboo, and children out of wedlock were looked upon sinfully. Even to this day it is a difficult and uncomfortable topic for many of the ‘Baby Boomer’ generation and religious right wingers to discuss, is sex before marriage so wrong? Morals aside, sex outside of marriage is not wrong. In fact, it can be a vital step towards a lifetime commitment with one’s significant other. Testing the waters of sexual compatibility is a healthy option versus jumping into marriage pre-sex. Knowing one’s partner completely before marriage truly plants the seed and prevents divorce. Many marriage statistics cite ‘sexual issues/incompatibility’ as the leading causes of divorce in America. Religious doctrines argue that copulation is purely an act of breeding, but today many leading doctors argue the opposite. Stating that sex does have a health purpose, and it is one that everyone should practice. There are many health benefits to safe sex, ranging from better teeth to better mood. Finally, there is evidence to support the changing trends in society towards pre-marital sex as statistics support that more people are engaging in sex before marriage.

In his research, Dr. Lawrence B. Finer, author of Trends in Premarital Sex 1954-2003, concluded that “…almost all Americans have sex before marriage…” Not that that is proof alone that sex before marriage is acceptable, but the exhaustive statistics he found certainly support that truth. Years ago, sex was primarily for pro-creation and, therefore, considered acceptable only within the bounds of marriage. That was during a time when women married young and the average life expectancy was considerably shorter than today’s standard of living until the average of 77.6 years, according to the Center for Disease Control’s National Center for Health Statistics. Today, according to a recent USATODAY article, the average age for marrying is 26. The average age for having children is currently 24.9 years (according to an article by Herbert Klein; The Changing American Family, 2004). While those statistics support that women are having children before marriage, they actually help to counter the religious belief that if you have sex before marriage, you are “tainted in some way to be unmarriable.” Research supports that times are changing and thus ideals are changing with them. Therefore, the philosophy that “sex is wrong” is no longer supported and can be the first line of defense when stating that sex before marriage is not only okay but healthy and right.

Joann Rodgers, Director of Media Relations and a lecturer at Johns Hopkins Medical Institution, says “…People are hard-wired to have sex…and they engage in it as a biological imperative.” This quote suggests that there is a certain nature to sex, one that is biologically hard to deny. Alex Farnham, author of the article, Is Sex Necessary, lists at least nine, medically-supported or researched, benefits to having sex on a regular basis. They range from better heart health, to reduced depression to even better teeth. His research, supported by medical professionals, suggests that there are health benefits to having sex. Furthermore, he goes on to state that there are no discernible health benefits to abstinence. While his article does not mention sex either before or after marriage, you can confer that sex is better for your health or perhaps that waiting for sex does nothing from a health standpoint. What further proves the point that sex is more than a means of producing children, is the seemingly limitless array of different sexual orientations. Other than that of heterosexual relationships, no other orientations produce offspring naturally, and yet, they all engage in some form of sex. Sex is not simply the act of ‘mating’, but an intimate exchange between two (or more) people. Copulation is more than just an action that humans are supposed to do, but rather something they want to do.

In an article entitled “Will Your Marriage Last, “ (Psychology Today, April 2000) Aviva Patz, executive editor of Psychology Today, concluded from the 56 couples asked about their own reasons for divorce, that one of the most prevalent reasons cited for a divorce was “…loss of affection…”. While this hardly suggests that sexual incompatibility is the problem with the loss of affection, it does suggest how important sex is overall in a marriage. Sexual incompatibility was listed as one of the leading causes for men to divorce, according to a 1966 study by Dr. Levinger, a social psychologist. That reason still holds true today as one of, if not often the top, reason for divorce, cites Dr. David Schnarch in an American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy article. In conversation it is not uncommon to hear of a marriage broken up because of infidelity of one or more of the parties. Men and women can not help the need to be satisfied, and if they are not fulfilled then they tend to look elsewhere to fill that need. Sexual fulfillment is the number one reason that people stray from a stable relationship. Raised with a belief that sex-talk is ‘taboo’ many feel that speaking openly with their partner on sexual issues is wrong, thus leading too unhappiness.

Sex has been around from the beginning of time, and it seems that the mentality that sex is reserved for marriage has been around just as long. It is imperative that humans have sex before the institution of marriage is enacted for a number of reasons. Whether it means being able to fully understand a partner, or preventing divorce, or simply fulfilling a pleasure, sex is important for people to understand outside of the walls of marriage. When practiced safely, sex is more than breeding, it is a different form for humans to express themselves, relieve tension, and bring themselves to a higher state of being. Being in touch with ones sexuality, as well as your partners leads to a greater understanding of a person on a basic level. Sex is not designed to be a sole objective act, it has many benefits when done properly and safely.

who's that lady?

who's that lady?
...and why can't i remember her name?!

clutching my arm with all of her strength, she dug her nails into my arm- she wasn't playing around. the curvaceous brunette hurriedly leaned her lips towards my ear and unleashed something breathy and hot. "what's that baby? well aren't you precious, get on over here!" i responded with a smirk.

with that her body lurched back from mine- instead of our eyes meeting, glitter falling from the ceiling, and having a choir of inner city youths sing a 'glee inspired' song in our honor; she just looked at me like i was bat shit crazy. actually, it was less a look of 'you're crazy' and more a look of 'you didn't hear one word i said, but rather than just say that you will pretend you heard what i said and carry on an entirely different conversation based off that'- my girlfriend can say so much with a mere glance.

violently wrenching her neck around a la the exorcist, she looked back over her shoulder. "she's coming- help!" she shouted in a whisper. i could see the woman she was referencing meandering over our way, she looked familiar...no, i've definitely see her before. as she came within earshot, a doe eyed danielle looked at me and mouthed, "WHAT IS HER NAME?!"

it's happened to the best of us; a heavy fog rolls in- your mind is shootin' blanks- the tip of your tongue is yielding nothing but 'oh crap, what's her name!' now sure, there are times when it's appropriate to be brutally honest and state simply, "i'm sorry, what's your name again?" but there are other times when you have already met them several times overs and forgetting their name consistantly gets downright embarrassing.

you face a fork in the road each time ones name escapes you- you either find some covert way of figuring out their name (best done in club and party situations, when recruiting friends easily done) or you refer to them in generalities until the conversation is over. i personally have used both methods and found varying success. my standby used to be 'how do you spell that- i like letters'. i do not suggest that method. all that did was make people think i had a learning disability because i was asking for spelling lessons for challenging words like 'S-A-M' or 'K-A-T-E'. however, i still stand steadfast in my argument of- you never really know how to spell any one's name anymore. any simple name can be made complex by some 'creative' parents who thought adding a few vowels would really dazzle future employers.

but what about those who you do know their name but you don't know them? in our ever shrinking facebook-friendly world, it isn't uncommon for my friends and i to go to an event and be swimming in sea of familiar poon. it seems like i see more faces that i know but have absolutely no idea who they are. whether it's because facebook parked your face in the upper right corner of my home screen sating i should 'know you' or because lesbians just have a knack for always flocking together and our social circles are incredibly well connected.

those i see frequently are appropriately dubbed the regulars. not because i regularly see them at our favorite bar. not because i see them regularly at our favorite club. not because i see them regularly at our favorite event. but because i see them at ALL of those locations. pride, ladies jello wrestling nights, equality rallies, drag queen races in dupont, slut nights, drag king shows, prop 8 rallies- you name it, they have are there.

it's how i imagine life must be for former real world cast members when they meet other former real world cast members. it's an unnatural process, knowing someone before meeting them. well, it's only an unnatural process if you aren't a stalker or one that often has restraining orders slapped on them. it's common knowledge that mtv's real world does not attempt to put people in their best light. that means when meeting other former real worlder's for the first time, there is no need to exchange pleasantries! who really needs them after you have already witnessed each others emotional breakdown on national television?

real worlder's have access to each others lives prior to a friendship taking root, much like the regulars i see out and about. we recognize each others faces, we know the clubs and events the others like to frequent, we know of each other. we might even go so far as to be facebook friends but never actually interact. i liken it to knowing your surroundings, it is wise to be an astute lil lesbot. these girls, while i don't always know much about them personally, i do enjoy seeing their faces time and time again. there is something comforting about the regulars that makes it feel like home.

when i think about it on a broader spectrum, it warms my heart to feel like there is a strong community in DC/MD/VA when it comes to the ladies. seeing so many familiar faces, faces that i can't remember the accompanying name to, having beautiful amazing friends...it may sound trivial to some, but lesbians will tell you- girls are illusive. it's rare you find a club that caters to women and brings them in consistently but they are doing just that all around me. so while we might not know each other's names or have actually met, to those strangers i see on the regular- it's lovely to live life alongside you.