Tuesday, July 20, 2010

delusional dreamworld

delusional dreamworld
takin' shit with a smile

i take a lot of shit with a smile. when faced with the choice of flipping out or gracefully giggling a snide remark away, 99% of the time i choose the latter. it's simple to me- if you don't want to be surrounded by a shit storm of drama, then start with yourself and chill out.

normally this mindset leads me to an overall more peaceful, enjoyable life. floating above the antics that surround me has proven to pull me in a more introspective world. it has brought me closer to those who share my non-confrontational beliefs and helped me to drift further from a gossip driven world (that i stupidly thought would be nothing more than a distant memory outside of the walls of high school... or at least after college.)

i've learned however, that this viewpoint- this delusional, pollyannaesque, outrageously optimistic world i've chosen to live in- is not the real world. in the real world life is a see-saw and with every undeniable up there is an equally as depressive down. for a long time, i feared both verbalizing and internalizing this fact as i worried it would lead me to become jaded and blackened...but i now know that admitting the truth is neither optimistic or pessimistic- it's simply reality.

those i respect and care for have done a lot for me over the years. most of the time my experiences with others have been mutually beneficial. as our paths have become gnarled and intertwined my friends have lifted me up and helped me to become a better person. this to me is the purpose of friendship- to propel each other forward in life.

contrary to this fact, there have been those who have taught me lessons through less than pleasurable ways. i've been hurt, taken advantage of and completely disrespected by those whom i trust. one would think that i would learn that placing my trust in the hands of the unscrupulous many times over does not lead to warm fuzzy feelings.

it's easy to look at others and see where they have gone wrong, but it's harder to take an honest look at yourself and admit there is room for improvement. the challenge i face is pinpointing what exactly needs to change in my world for me to grow and thrive.

my mothers suggestion? "you need to take off your pollyanna glasses and know people WILL screw you. you give people the benefit of the doubt all too often. brush it off- move on- and surround yourself with positive people. don't be trusting of all people- they don't deserve it, you have to make them work for it. i'm sorry because i know how it hurts you to see the negative side of people...but that's life"

even knowing this; even after being burned time and time again; even after all the lip service/bullshit/and straight up lies i've been fed by people over the years, i still want to believe in humanity. i can't remove the glasses and become another east coast cynic. if i allow that side to take over then what's next? a jaded soul...a judgemental spirit...a negatively rooted world.

i know that there is a lot of darkness surrounds each of us every day, so if i make a conscious choice to look towards the light does that make me delusional? if so, i'll keep livin' in this dreamworld...and i hope someday you all join me.


  1. I think your view of the world is wonderfully optimistic! If there were more people with this mindset then I think the amount of fear and hatred among people that dont even know each other would lessen... But as in all things, there is a happy medium. I think there are layers to trust, and one must be cautious about letting too many people past the deeper layers. But believing in the innate good of humanity? That there must be a little bit of good in everyone? Go for it!

  2. Think of your life like a bullseye pattern...many can be on the outer layers, but only a few make it into the inner circle! That's just protecting yourself. You're a feeler, a very sensitive person. Wearing your emotions on your sleeve doesn't allow you much protection.... as your Mother told you years ago, WEAR PROTECTION !!!

  3. I live in a world similar to yours. It works for me. I know it's not the real world and I still see the real world enough to do what I can to change it. Other than that, I don't have much use for it. My world keeps me from jumping off a bridge rather than face another day of disappointment and pain.

    I think I'm making the right choice.

  4. We seem to be similar in that way. Make a friend, realize they aren't a good friend when they fuck you over and then do it all over again. My mom told me the same thing your mom told you and sadly they're both right. As lovely as it is to see the world with rose coloured glasses when someone knocks them off your face it's a hard hit to take. The hard trick to master is how to see the best in people but also realize their weaknesses. If someone doesn't make a genuine effort to be my friend then I don't bother with them. Am I going to be mean to them? of course not but I'm also not going to go out of my way to be their best friend. This subject reminds me of Lily Allen's song LDN.


    Anyway good luck!