Friday, July 9, 2010

for the love of littles

for the love of littles
beyonce is bootylicious this we know,
for her song did tell us so.
little fannies, please be strong
from donk to dinky none are wrong.

(to the tune of jesus loves me,
oh, don't roll your eyes..i know, i know-
it's catchy and blasphemous of me!)

most like big butts and cannot lie. while you other brothers and sisters might deny me as a result, i have a confession to make... i am the owner of a lil lump round back- that's right my friends, i'm rockin' a dainty dumper.

remember the rare occasion when your parents would buy you a lunchable? i don't remember mine actually buying one for me as much as i remember the conversation that followed every time i asked for one. it would generally focus heavily on the financial obligation of such lunch treasures; how children were starving in india and we already had a shirt on our back WHAT MORE DID WE NEED?! my mother always acted as if i was asking for the baby jesus to spew pea soup when i asked for a lunchable. it literally required her to toss a box with over processed food in my face and call it a 'treat' don't even have to actually like your child to make them happy. even knowing this, i still regard them as both a sign of love from parents and a special delight for all children (even if my personal pallet has expanded beyond crackers, cheese, and awkward ham circles).

the anatomy of a lunchable is much like my own make-up. underneath a plastic sheath comes a delicious, snack-sized candy. pull back my neon cloak and you will uncover a small lump of love where my badonka-donk should be. it's little wonder why i affectionately call my fanny 'snack-size'.

now i'm the first to admit, it's not easy to embrace a less than ample booty. it seems as if our modern society has sunk its teeth into a ripe ol' apple bottom and tossed aside the core- the spirit of the ass, if you will.

most girls who share my lack of shape round back are shocked to find that i embrace what some feel is a physical shortcoming while they purchase padded underwear. what furthers their amazement and leaves their mouth agape is when i tell them that i regularly get comments on my delightful lil dumper. to be completely transparent- i should note that i always say 'comments' over 'compliments' as i know in reality these people aren't exactly tossing accolades my way. but as in life, it's all a matter of interpretation.

i interpret, "your butt is so soft, it's like laying on a little pillow" as "girl that ass is outta this world- let's snuggle". many might say i'm delusional- and they would be right. i hear, "it's less an 'ass' and more a meeting point for your a vagina on your back" and internalize it as, "i've been staring directly at your ass for an extended period of time and i said both 'ass' and 'vagina' in one sentence. either i want to sleep with you or i want to sleep with you."

now, do i really wish i had a watermelon shoved down the back of my pants? shockingly, no. i've grown to love the charms of what i posses. for instance, i wear my pants low- not gangster/super-thug-dyke low, but low enough that my hips are exposed on a regular basis. with low-rise pants or pants that hang a bit, one always has to be cautious of their crack poppin' out a la kilroy. BUT when you have a small posterior your crack starts much lower and thus your clothing options aren't limited to mom jeans and high-waisted trousers. i also can shimmy my way through aisles of movie theatres without ever being groped or have to apologize for my giant ass in someones popcorn.

i shroud my crack with a cloak of cockiness but in all actuality it's a defence mechanism. i love big booties on the women i pine after, but in my own drawers what i have is just fine. us with less than full fannies have to deal with everyone assuming that we wish ours were bigger. while i can admit that i'm attracted to larger ones, i appreciate the strength and grace it takes to shake a smaller tambourine. nothing makes me prouder than to see a skinny little caboose, gyrating wildly up in the club.

to my sisters in stunted dariairity- i urge you to stand strong. we might be little fellas but what we lack in girth we make up for in spirit. i for one will shake my snack-sized butt when and where ever i can- if only so others can see the inverted nature of my caboose isn't a handicap but a blessing in disguise. i leave you with the words of wisdom imparted to me from a drunk drag queen, "just because you don't have it doesn't mean you can't work it like you do." of course she was referring to a vagina- but the message still stands..WORK IT LITTLES!

1 comment:

  1. yes! butts. people don't talk about butts enough. it's always boobs. i'm glad the butts got some attention today.