a tough realization
when i was in a relationship it was understood that my time was mostly monopolized by another. my friends cut me a certain slack when it came to social engagements. but now that i reside in singledom it seems that that slack is no longer cut in my favor. it seems as of late my friends reactions are a bit more gruff when it comes to my declining party invitations or not being able to go out all the time.
in all honesty, i know where this is coming from. i haven't exactly jumped head first into single life. if anything, as i have left the realm of relationships i've thrown myself into my work. i don't necessarily feel bad about that but i do sit before you with an unmeasurable amount of guilt on my shoulders.
i feel bad. i feel like i can't be the friend everyone wants me to be. i feel like i can be a great friend to several people and i do just that. but i want to be the best friend that i can be to absolutely everyone i come in contact with- no matter how brief or minor our encounter. i don't want to compromise that facet of myself for anyone or anything.
yet i realize that i need to delegate my time more appropriately. i feel selfish and guilty and bad all the time because of brief yet mildly flippant text messages; because of facebook wall posts of discontentment. in actuality they are of little consequence, most of the weight they carry comes from my own mind...but i'm still upset. i feel bad.
how can i be the best person i can be to everybody when i'm focusing on myself, my work, and things i find important?
am i wrong for putting my work over my social life?
will i somewhere down the road kick a younger me and say, "good lord girl- why didn't you just focus on the moment and being happy- just enjoying yourself?"
now i'm not saying that i don't enjoy my work because i most definitely do. i'm very pleased with how i'm spending my time. i hope that someday it will all pay off. someday i'll look back at this time and say, "yah- it was tough but i'm glad you stuck it out old girl."
is it possible i'm wasting my todays waiting for somedays?
to all of those who i'm not the most present friend right now- forgive me. know that i want nothing more than to be the greatest friend, the most supportive person in your world and i'm sorry that i can't give you all all of that right now. i'm sorry if there is never a day that i can be everything to everyone.
...that's a tough realization.