want v. need

want v. need
what drives you?

oh the struggle we face daily-
the push and shove, the tug and pull, the flip and flop of WANT v. NEED

people claim to 'need' many things, when in reality we need very little. in fact we need water, food, social interaction, and sunlight to live..oh and a atmosphere that sustains human life- that would be good too. but outside of that what more do we need?

now don't you worry, this isn't going to be a rant of 'going green' or 'throwing away your attachments to all things material'...its more or less me complaining about peoples lack (or refusal) to understand the concept of them NOT needing something, but wanting it badly.

if you grew up where i did, it wasn't uncommon for mommy and daddy to pay for everything. the large portion of my friends never knew what a 'budget' was, or how to pump their own gas, and had no idea that money came from any other place other than a VISA card...not to say that they were spoiled, because i'm sure some may have appreciated the gifts their parents gave them...but i'm more inclined to believe that felt it was owed to them.

my sister and i didn't grow up like most of the kids we lived around. sure, we were given a lot (in retrospect, more than we deserved), but our parents kept that balance between want and need. we also had to pay for gas...which to me in high school was a big deal.

my sister and i always understood (mostly due to my father hammering it into our brains) "you don't need that, you merely WANT it"

and thus is life-
you don't need that girl in your life in order to be happy...but you want her.
you don't need to make more money in order to sustain your life...but you want it.

so why is there this awful stigma with wanting more??
we, (myself included) feel people who constantly want are shallow, empty, and materialistic.
we often ask of these people "can't you just be happy with what you have?"
but shouldn't we ask ourselves "why do we choose to settle?"

point being-
i want a lot of things out of life..
most of which i suppose i don't really NEED.
but should a global, US lead, recession force me to stifle my dreams?
should the era of 'cutting back' and 'conservation' mean goals as well as papers and plastics?

sure, i don't need a promotion...
i don't need a different location...
i don't need to move up in the world...

but i want to.

queerFAQtor wednesday

alter ego week on queerFAQtor
featuring muffy the lady slayer

post so nice, it's blogged twice

post so nice, it's blogged twice:
you want to be what?!

happy tuesday all. i was feeling a bit listless yesterday and was in need of inspiration. as i normally do when i feel stagnant or unfulfilled, i feverishly began reading others words in hopes of connecting with myself (or in some cases, completely detach). in addition to that, i also find when i feel low i to try and inspire myself to shake that funk, girl by reading old works of my own. there's a sick sense of satisfaction in reading things from the past...sometimes it's nice to remind yourself how far you have come- like the voice of an old friend saying, "it could be worse, at least you aren't at this point in your life anymore."

{{ sidenote: i know being passionate about reading and writing isn't something i share with everyone, but whether or not you love words- you will be moved by miss hannah miet, the author of the blog my soul is a butterfly. i am consistently blown away by her work. err- well, 'blown away' is a bit inaccurate- she doesn't push you away with her words. she has the uncanny ability to reveal little bits of herself- very personal and private information- without allowing the reader completely in. there is an honest mystery about her that i can't put my finger on. every post she writes i crave more- i love that we are privy to such beautiful snapshots in her life, and yet the main reason i love her is her obscurantist nature. you may think you know her, but it's just a glance we've seen. hannah and lauren, of hipstercrite, are far and away the two writers i look up to the most. without fail, their posts intrigue me (and countless others who follow their blogs) now, instead of turning this to a gush-fest (which i will save for another day) i will digress, and hop back on topic-}}

while sifting through what seems like countless notebooks and documents on my computer i found it- just what i needed to reread to pull myself up by the boot strings...

--------------------------------------------------------
you want to be what?!

trick, you crazy
originally posted: 7/28/09

i remember in second grade, being asked by my teacher mrs. geiger, 'what do you want to be when you grow up?'

it was the first time we had all really been posed the question and she asked us to think about it and come back the next day and report back to the class.

of course i did something bizarre. it was, after all, in second grade that i accepted that i was completely unlike anyone else and good, bad or awkward- i was going to make the most of it, and OWN THAT SHIT!

so amongst the future doctors, lawyers, and my personal favorite a 'housewife' (not even a 'stay at home mom', but a 'housewife'...damn second graders with their sexist views, i digress) when i got up in front of the class i said:

'i want to be a tree.'

everyone looked at me like i was ape shit. i went on to elaborate about how my eyes would be the leaves and every time one fell, i could see where it went and in turn, live vicariously through it (admittedly at 8 i didn't understand the concept of 'living vicariously through' anything, but i know now that's the line of thought i was going for regardless of whether the notion itself was a bit above me at the time.) my roots would be huge, snarled, and full of life. id have a tire swing hangin' on my left arm and a tree house on my shoulder.

my teacher laughed at me, hung her head in her hands and said:

'ashley, you didn't do the assignment correctly. none of those things are possible. what do you really want to be when you grow up- and be serious'

after that i ended up just sitting down. i was a very sensitive child and didn't handle being told what to do very well. moreover, my dreams of living in a fantasy world were dashed. impossible? was she insane?

i know that i'm a dreamer.
i know that i'm idealistic.
but that doesn't mean i'm irrational. i know now that a tree isn't a realistic occupation- unless of course i'm him. but i was 8! DON'T DASH THE DREAMS OF A CHILD!

people are still doing it to me- shit, people are doing it to everyone.
why isn't everyone encouraged to follow their dreams, make their own path and do whatever the fuck they (legally) want!
you wanna be a tree? you wanna be a fork? do you babyboo. do you.

so- what do i want to be when i grow up?
i know the things i'd like to do, but as far as defining myself id say unequivocally i want to be simply- me.
is that a cop out?
whatever i am- that's what i want to be.
sure, id love to write and host my own show.
i'd love to move out to california.
i'd love to be surrounded by my beautiful, dynamic, brilliant friends and family all the time.
id love to be known for being a strong, unique, fresh woman, who was never afraid to be herself.
id love to also own a dinosaur mascot costume at some point in my life. DARE TO DREAM!
**EDIT: since this entry was original posted, the dinosaur costume HAS come into my life. in case you were curious- yes, the quality of my life has increased dramatically after it's purchase...sad but true.**

so, if you are feeling low- or as if your dreams wont ever come to pass, i give you one of my favorite words of wisdom...

above all, watch with glittering eyes
the whole world around you
because the greatest secrets
are always hidden in the most unlikely places.
those who don’t believe in magic will never find it.

-roald dahl-

also, for those of you who dont appreciate the eloquence of that quote, words of wisdom for you all:

two tears in a bucket-
MOTHA' FUCK IT!

-drag queen from dc, kristina kelly-

riding shotgun, ftw

riding shotgun, ftw
i'm available for carpools!!

just in case you were having a 'case of the mondays', i thought i'd share a little pick me up with you!

stealing the rainbow

stealing the rainbow
a public apology

a truck cut me off while driving into work today. rather than flipping my high-beams to remind the driver i gladly would have let him over if he had just used a fucking TURN SIGNAL, i became entranced with his tires and the rooster tails of road spray it made while splashing through the melted snow and ice. a trivial occurrence such as the mist from tires might not catch most peoples attention but my gaze was transfixed. amidst my spacing out on a major highway at 6o miles per hour, i saw it- a colorful display of hope, a rainbow.

of course my first thought was to cock my head to the side and sigh aloud, 'aww' because the only thing cuter than a rainbow is a bucket of kittens with handlebar mustaches. after that thought, i became riddled with guilt, for i assumed that the driver was gay and thus in my book all sins were forgiven. how dare i rush to judgment upon the sight of a simple rainbow, but it brought me to the all too valid realization- the gays stole the rainbow.

think about it- anyone over the age of 12 can't be rainbow clad without at least a handful of people thinking, 'look at that gay, so colorful and chuck full of pride!'. i hate to admit it but when i see a rainbow anything, that isn't accompanied by a bible verse, i assume the wearer at least supports the community. that narrow minded view of mine is going to be a challenge to shake, as half the time when a rainbow is present- it is in support of those in the LGBT world.

i feel awful that our hetero-counterparts can't proudly cloak themselves head to toe in rainbows without the postulation that they are out. who are we to commandeer the entire rainbow? (with that said, i'd be willing to give back the rainbow all together if we had equal protections under the law, but that's a rant for another time.) i felt the only appropriate way for me to remedy the fanny pack of guilt i'm carrying around is to publicly apologize:


dear straight spectral lovers,

i'm sorry us gays stole the rainbow. you know how we get about matching- and the rainbow goes with everything!
now some might argue it was never ours to begin with, what with the whole noah's ark tale, and that it has and always will be a beacon of hope and God's promise of the future. i'm not trying to take anything away from that but tell me what you honestly would think of a fella wearing a rainbow flag as a cape? do you think he's celebrating the clouds lifting and the promise of a new day? or would it be more accurate to say you think something along the lines of, 'he's gay as hell'?
as of late our community has been making a lot of demands (repeal DADT, the right to marriage, basic human protections under the law- just like you have), but we often forget what we do have in our corner- that beautiful depiction of ROY G. BIV. the collection of colors in no way makes up for the absence of our rights, but while we are fighting for equality i will wear my rainbow shirt proudly. for i know how lucky i am that when people jump to the conclusion that i'm gay because of my rainbow garb- that they are absolutely right.
i'm sorry again, my heteros, for unknowingly stealing the visible spectrum...but on the bright side at least you all still have the rest of the electromagnetic spectrum!

thank you for your time,
ashley

relationship snipers

relationship snipers
words of warning

♫ ♪ all the single ladies!
all the single ladies.
all the single ladies!
put your hands down. ♫ ♪

this post goes out to all my committed friends. to the ladies, gentlemen and queers who are shacked up- today, i share with you words of warning. there are snipers on the loose, and they are coming after you and your partner.

aesop taught us as children to be wary of the sheep in wolfs clothing; just as the wolf donned a jacket made of wool, the snipers true intentions are shrouded in a mask friendship. but don't be fooled, their purpose is a much darker one. these folks put healthy relationships in their crosshairs and attempt to dismantle them from within. unlike 'relationship vultures' who prey on weak or broken relationships- 'relationship snipers' seek out the robust and seemingly impenetrable couples...and aim for the jugular.

i recently witnessed the strike of a sniper on a friend's relationship and it was a heartbreaking tale to watch unfold. the initial relationship that fell under attack was one that had weathered many storms but seemed to have a solid footing. what began innocuously as a friendship between the sniper and one of the girls, slowly evolved into a close comradery. slithering into ones comfort zone is what these sassy minxes do best, by assuming the 'friend' role they gain access to your life and emotions. but at some point the dichotomy of the friendship changes, the sniper begins to demand more of their new friend. through guilt and peer pressure the snipers convince their victims that they need to be around each other, as if kindred spirits, and they become a more prominent fixture in the lives of their prey. not shockingly, my friend's relationship did not end on a high note. the sniper did in time dismantle and undermine my friend's former affair. after her partner grew suspicious of her lovers new friend, the relationship never completely recovered. as we all know sometimes after things are broken, the original magic will never be restored and it's just best for everyone to cut and run.

the obvious question is, what compels these people to destroy something beautiful? what's to be gained from extinguishing the flame of love for others? who knows exactly why people do the things they do but if i were to put on my dr.phil hat and pretend to have some sort medical training i'd say it's a hunt for power. those who prey on others always seem to have a disconnect when it comes to a realistic sense of strength...they gain strength from not only rising above others, but pushing them down in the process. deep down i imagine they aren't happy doing what they do, or they try to rationalize their actions away by saying, "i've done nothing wrong...this girl was talking to me, if she wanted to focus on her relationship she could have done so at anytime".

i still believe that regardless of who you are and what your motivations are in life, everyone is deserving of real love- lest it come from a relationship or platonic love. everyone is worthy of sharing space and time with other human beings and growing as a result. the issue i have with 'relationship snipers' is the same issue i have when people lay on my bed after i've freshly made it; after all of my meticulous work, you carelessly plop down as if you own the place, with absolutely no intention of pressing out the creases when you get up...to quote stephianie tanner of full house fame, HOW RUDE!

so my lovers of love, my hitched hoss', my shacked up buddies, heed my warnings! be vigilant and hold your partner close, for you never know when a relationship sniper has you, or your loved one, in their crosshairs

simply shamless.

2009 lezzy awards
plugging my blog on my blog

guess who was nominated for 'best NEW lesbian blog'?
guess who is asking for your help in efforts to win the title?
guess who is five feet and nine inches of FUN?

that would be me...guilty on all accounts!
actually, to be completely honest i'm a hair or two shy of 5'9''...but the rest is all me.

click here and vote!! (but only if you feel it's warranted, of course)

thanks, my lesbifriends.

the lumps of fat we love

the lumps of fat we love
boobs and booties

you know them well- love them, own them, sneak a peek at them, hate them, envy them, pay for them, grab them. throughout time, both of them have been vilified and have gotten more press than any other part of the human anatomy. who knew that the momentary sight of one nipple would cause such an uproar for janet, miss jackson if your nasty. no matter who you are- a booty or a titter tot has popped into your life in some form or fashion. who knew, a mere resting point when in the seated position and two lumps of fat with the purpose of milk production, are behind the age old debate of "tits vs ass". excuse me for being so rude and crass, but when it comes to mammary glands and fannies, i just can't contain myself- and yes, that does mean i may toss an extra 'ass' mention into my work...if that offends you, (read: i'm talking to you, mother), then stop reading now.

shirley maclaine once said,"i want women to be liberated and still be able to have a nice ass and shake it", and i can't say i much disagree. i like my women smart and capable of carrying on lengthy conversations about metaphysics, dinosaurs, and life but i'm not ashamed to admit i'd also like my girl able bodied enough to drop it low. there is nothing as distracting as an obnoxiously round booty, male or female. i, not shockingly, notice lady tailfeathers time and time again but rarely a fella will waltz by shaking something sweet and i must give credit where credit is due.

not all butts are created equal. they come in all different sizes, shapes, and textures. my personal favorite is the classic 'badonkadonk'. the fanny that looks like someone threw a ball of clay up against a wall and if by magic, this larger than life behind is not only defying gravity but is making a perfect shelf below ones back. aside from the aesthetics of a rump, it has got to have a great feel. i often encourage others to feel my girlfriend's fanny as a reference on what perfection feels like. i understand that sounds a bit like a girl making grand statement about the one she loves, but in all honesty- ask anyone who i've made uncomfortable by forcing to grope my girlfriend, and they will agree- shit's bodacious. a great booty is incredibly firm without being creepily chiseled...think stress ball vs stone, which would you rather have bouncing on your lap at a strip club?

now of course, this is all a matter of preference. every caboose deserves love, even those that aren't considered 'ideal' to most. i am the proud owner of a bag of skin that i like to sit on, one might even call it 'neat'...as in, 'look at her dumper, meh- that's neat.' but that's about as far as compliments go towards my fanny. being of the long and lean variety, i don't store a lot of extra meat in my hindquarters and subsequently my ass consists of: some muscle, blood, unicorn dust, bone and skin. the apple didn't fall far from the tree, my mother went to a predominately black high school and if her lily white skin didn't make her an easy mark for bullies- her particularly flat fanny indeed did...i've never been allowed to mention the term 'duck butt' in front of her without her raising hell.

fear not my friends, the gods didn't leave my poor mother completely destitute, they did give her the incredible ability to write, a beautiful face, and a sweet set of twins...on her chest. some may argue that's an inappropriate statement for me to make, what with her being my mother but i call a spade a spade. many women are lucky enough to have been blessed with two, incredibly perky, round, even breasts. i don't care if you paid someone to make them look larger, i don't care if you paid someone to make them look smaller, all i care about is you enjoy sharing them with friends (of which, i consider myself one).

i used to work at a place that was hyper saturated with men and i remember them going back and forth often between 'real vs fake' in the breast debate. all the girls i've ever been with have had real breasts, but i've felt fake breasts in the past (because when you get breast implants all social norms are thrown out the window and its completely appropriate and socially encouraged, to have your friends feel your new chest ornaments.) what it boils down to is, are they real enough to utilize? that's really all i need to know.

breast vs buttocks...who will come out on top?! well, logistically speaking, breasts will forever be higher than butts- even after gravity pulls on them both for 40+ years. however, personally speaking, i can't decide. both are universal, completely unique,and feel great in my hands...the universe isn't asking us to choose, in fact, it knows of how difficult the choice would be. that's why we all have cheeks down south, and a crack up top...boobs and butts, ahh the lumps of fat we love.

nivation

nivation

i am
bloodshot
wind whipped

tattered

a n c h o r e d.

.:another moonlit walk:.
tonight we flirt
oh my moon, i've missed you
tomorrow i'll regret our dance
momentarily replaced
with sanity
never. just a brief interlude.

awake, conscious
seeing e v e r y tick
walking two steps behind myself
watching her
inside her head i'm perched
i am a bird
wanting to return.
"let me out. i cant breathe. help"

feeling e v e r y tock

dig deeper

collapse and retreat

small of my back

twisted, gnarled

glitter mountains- swirling vortex

mounting.
summit.
victory...short lived.

immediately break the top layer

sink into

t h o u g h t s-

never alone-

with my t h o u g h t s.

curse you chione!

see him- see him

homeless, half blind

teeth chattering
nonsensical gibberish tumbling
his lips
stealing my chap stick
my lifeline, now your prized paragon

a strangers room

my lips

the loneliest organ

"doctor, there is no coronary and carotid pressure"

bleed out-

mind and body, crave

refuel.
demand
rigidity, return!

i need you

arms o u t s t r e t c h e d on a bed
it's too far to reach
my gaze- aimless
without your eyes
to transfix me.
d r i f t around like snow
trust placed with the wind

f i n a l l y h o m e . . . h o l d m e .

queerFAQtor wednesday

queerfaqtor tackles valentines day
ashley tells a story

you know, for being snowed in at work and flirting with panic attacks left and right, i'd say this weeks video isn't half bad.

as far as valentine's day goes, you either embrace it or you don't. there is really little use in stomping your feet, pouting, and being an overall dick to valentine's day supporters. no need in complaining about how it's just a 'commercialized holiday' because, i hate to break it to you, we live in a commercialized world! am i aware that while this holiday does have roots in history, it's all about making a buck off poor shmucks who scramble at the last minute to buy flowers to show 'they care'.

hate on valentine's day all you want, but just like countless other holidays- you either choose to believe in it or not, and regardless of where your allegiances lie- a little more love in this world most certainly wouldn't be a bad thing- commercialized or otherwise.

the gay retraction

the gay retraction
how sure are you of your sexuality?

when i was 15 i was convinced i was a-sexual. i knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that the 'X' kinsey referred to in his scale, was me. i went so far as to do research on a-sexuality and realized it's not the lonely, barren, depressive, loveless hole i feared- i could go on to lead a quasi-normal, love-filled life- just sexless. when i was around other girls my age out of desperation to assimilate, i studied their mannerisms and attempted to copy them; not because i wanted to be them but moreover i wanted to be normal. when left with my own thoughts i told myself incessantly, "something is wrong with you. you can talk about sex like your peers but the thought of it makes you physically ill; you can kiss a boy but have nothing awaken within you; and try as you might ashley, you are not capable of carrying on a long-term relationship with anyone- let alone a boy.."

i had it all planned out, my little a-sexual life... well less 'put actual effort into constructing a life that i felt was far less than what i wanted' and more 'told myself i'd assume the role as stepford wife (while, of course, all my dreams- torn asunder) and settle into an anesthetized life'. years later, i realized classifying myself as anything during that time was futile- i couldn't even identify which way was up, let alone accurately interpret the vortex of emotions i was dealing with at that time. even later, when i came out at 18 as bisexual, i was incredibly confused. i came out because i thought it would bring some sanity to me. i had so much hope that coming out would bring a sense of clarity to my life, as i had seen it do for countless other people.

i still believe coming out can be an incredibly liberating experience- if one truly liberates themselves from the ties that bind them. the problem for me was, i was still unwilling to admit i was gay. it was no problem for me to publicly announce i was bisexual, but a lesbian?! i knew at this time i had no physical interest in the opposite sex but 'lesbian'- that's so definitive, so black and white, so binding. was i ready at 18 to make the sort of declaration that would follow me forever? i feared, among other things, having to make a gay retraction.

western culture expects us to wrap up sexuality in neat boxes so that we can check one or the other, and sexuality just does not work that way. while i now know beyond a shadow of a doubt both who and what i am attracted to, that's not the case for millions of people in the world. in fact, some people go so far as to never define themselves and always refer to their orientation as 'fluid' or 'open'.

but what about those who come out and realize they have done so prematurely? what about those who meet an individual who changes their thinking? i know it's an unpleasant thought to verbalize because it does seem to fuel the 'sexuality is a choice' debate, but i will argue it proves the contrary. coming out- is a choice; what to label oneself- is a choice; but who you are fundamentally- is not a choice.

i've seen a growing amount of people amend their orientation; lest it be from lesbian to bisexual, from bisexual to gay, from gay to pansexual...whatever the case may be, people are paying closer attention to their feelings and finding more accurate ways of defining them. i have witnessed it first hand, in my social circle alone i can think of four or five different people that have made some sort of gay retraction. the reactions they received after doing so both appalled and enlightened me; either those surrounding them were confused and unsupportive, or as i more often found- people just didn't care.

a very close friend of mine came out very young as a lesbian. she lived her teens and early twenties out and proud, as gay as day is long. but then one day she stopped hanging out with us- she grew very distant, very fast- wouldn't return calls, and was MIA. after a few months of not running into her while out and never seeing her she pops back up- with a boy. no one batted an eyelash, i mean just because she showed up with a boy doesn't imply they are dating, and even if they were- what does it matter? my friend pulled me aside and sat me down, "ashley- i don't know how to tell you this because i know how proud you are about being a lesbian but uh..i don't exactly know how to tell you-" i cut her off, we both knew where this was going. she told me she was scared those in the community would hate her, she thought people would assume she was 'going back on her word'...all these outlandish thoughts were swirling in my poor, beautiful friends mind. i explained to her how i felt sexuality was fluid, and just because i was secure in saying i'm gay doesn't mean everyone is. there is nothing wrong with remaining true to yourself, even if it isn't the most comfortable thing to do at the time. fortunately for us, she realized we were not the hate filled, fear mongers but her friends who love her unconditionally. needless to say, we see a lot more of each other again!

instead of raising an eyebrow or looking down upon those who make amendments to their sexuality, one would be better off to open both arms and embrace wholeheartedly those who are strong enough to assert their sexuality...even if it contradicts what they have said in the past.

featured friends friday

featured friends friday:
by: becka
Curses I say: The struggle, strife, and survival of female entertainers

I'm the kind of feminist that will let a man carry large, heavy things in the place of me; I'm the kind of feminist that will let a man do any hard work really, I mean if he's willing to break his back over me breaking mine, why not? Does that mean I'm half feminist, or not a feminist at all? Am I a genius for knowing I can do those same things, but sparing myself at the request of an attempt at chivalry? Or am I the kind that gives the hardcore feminists a bad name? Am I a fake? Or am I just a jerk? Here's a feminist-esque rant:

I'm a singer-songwriter. I'm 22. I'm a wordsmith. I've been known to make some pretty melodies. I can carry a tune. And yet, compared to a male counter part of equal or almost equal talent, who will win the most fans? Nine times out of ten, I believe it will be the man. Why? Because I've seen it. Because I've felt it.

Society gives each sex a set of rules, and while I do know quite a bit of dudes who are matured past the rules of a flawed society, the majority of men do adhere to these rules.

Let's think on barriers:

Male artists are capable of bringing in bigger audiences as performers. This is because of the sex barrier. What I mean by that is if we were to take two artists of different sexes, but same genre, and of like popularity (for the sake of the argument lets use Jay-Z and Beyonce), who will pull in more fans? Okay, so we know Beyonce sells a hell of a lot of albums, as Jay does as well, but are alpha males cruising down the street blaring Beyonce? I think not. Are they blaring Jay? That's more likely. Female listeners/viewers, generally speaking, are more open to performers of any sex, while male, whether society has been deeply buried under the surface of their skin and has become a part of who they are or not, find male artists more appealing. Is it because of the sensitivities of women, for whom they cannot relate to? Are we too whiny? Or is it because man law says you can't believe a female artist is as good as a male counterpart? I mean, a bro can think she's good, but she can't play like John Mayer. Sure, she can sing, but she still can't play like John Mayer. Can men not transcend sex barriers? In anything?

Indie Rock:

The Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs vs. The Strokes, who has more fans? While I cannot say for fact that it is The Strokes, I would bet my entire savings and bank account that The Strokes appeal to a larger audience.

What about athletics? Ever heard a lesbro favor a female athlete over male? Because of her skill, not her looks? Remember back to when the WNBA was birthed? I do. And I remember all my dude friends saying it was a joke, and that I was too if I ever so much as dreamed of joining such a circus.

So, yeah, that's frustrating for me. Especially knowing that out of all the people I've played for, women say "you're really fantastic" and buy my album, while dudes say "you're really fantastic" and then ask me out.

What really gets to me, though, is this:

I have asked people from the beginning of my journey into music who they would compare my music to. You know who it is every single time? Not one particular person, but a sex. I'm grown enough to know why people, mostly mothers, compare me to Avril Lavigne. It isn't because we share the same sound, but the rebelliousness of our attitudes and the way we dress (as far as they can see, anyway). I'm grown enough to know that people compare me to Michelle Branch because she plays guitar and because she's brunette (not to mention when I was 16, I would listen to her and cry, and ponder if the lyrics from "Hotel Paper" were sexual and if they were about Taylor Hanson, and since he's the girliest of the gang, if she might be bisexual). I'm grown enough to know that I won't likely ever be compared to any of the music that really influences me, because I'm just another girl with a guitar. I will forever be put into the category of Jewel, Alanis, Michelle, and Sheryl. Will I fight it with every part of me? You're goddamn right I will. Everybody's dying to slap a label on us and put us into a category for easy keeping. That doesn't rest easy with me at all. ONE TIME, I'd like a stranger to read the way I write and say, "you must be incredibly influenced by Manchester Orchestra" or "I can hear just a dash of Jesse Lacey".

Of course I'm only speaking from my experiences. I'm sure there's a chance I'm wayyy off. I hope to God someone proves me wrong.

My biggest goal isn't to get more fans, more fame, more money, but to be able to be on the same level as other accredited singer/songwriters. Yes, most of them being male. To be honest I listen to more male artists than female, and no, that doesn't make me a hypocrite. It makes me smart. To reach the top of the mountain, you must climb with others who have reached the top before. What if someday, in my jaded and angst-y, yet driven and ambitious attempt to change forever how people look at female artists, someone, the first of many I hope, starts to get it. I am a female. I am an artist. But the two do not go hand in hand.

I'm training as if I were for the UFC to be a person who might be able to do that. What poetry it would be if someone beat me to it, not to mention less work.

For the record there's no male Regina Spektor. She does pop the right way. There's no female Justin Timberlake. There's no male Tegan and Sara. There will also not be another me. I promise to change genres so quickly that every time someone puts me in a category, not long after they will be wrong. Unless beyond my grasp of myself, I do not realize I've developed a sound.

Lastly, why is sexuality a big deal? Yes, I'm gay. I read this article on afterellen about a singer/songwriter who made the decision to be "out" regardless of her growing career. AE made this huge deal out of it. I'm not naive. I understand being out can do harm to a progression in a career, but can't it also beam you into a bigger demographic? Hello, Tegan and Sara!? Hello, Uh Huh Her?! Is it for fear of being cast into the same boat as Melissa Etheridge? Melissa over Avril any day for me, folks. Rufus over Gavin any day. If you're choosing a career that puts you in the limelight and encourages obsessive fans to spend money to learn your dirty little secrets, why not have the last laugh and not have any at all?

Out shouldn't be a question, nor should it be an answer. It should just be. Not who we are, or how we define ourselves, just who we fall in love with. So, what's the big fuss?

One last thing...really this time, I promise. I asked your great and powerful blogger, Ashley those same words I've asked everyone else and she said "you have a tegan and sara rasp- i hear it for sure. but i think that you are also unique enough that you aren't 'just another indie girl with a guitar'". Is it because I'm young, gay, brunette, play guitar and I'm female? Or because I really do have the rasp of Tegan and Sara? But then again, why does it matter? I love Tegan and Sara. Especially Sara.

--------------
don't forget to comment, and let becka know what you think in regards to her thoughts.
also, don't forget to check out her music (which, i don't care if you think i'm being cliche- i think she sounds like she has a bit of tegan and sara in her. not because she's gay- not because she's a girl- not because she plays guitar- but because i honestly think she sounds like them.)

random thought #27

random thought#27

• i hate the phrase 'stuck between a rock and a hard place'.
  as the phrase states, one is trapped between two equal- yet different- immovable objects. the desperation alone of the situation sounds terrible, but the fact that the rock and the hard place are presumably bigger than the one who's stuck is downright overwhelming.
  a very depressive place to be in, right?
  then why do we allow ourselves to be placed in that position time and time again?
  on some sick level, its as if we, as humans, must enjoy being in pain.
  we enjoy the discourse of uncertainty.
  the clutterfuck state of life.
  the pain of heartache.
  why can't we just allow ourselves to have happiness?
  i have come to the conclusion that i (although i feel its a universal thing) enjoy pain to a certain extent because it makes me feel alive.
  it reminds me that im human- i have emotions- i bleed- i cry- i love.
  perhaps it's just my distorted outlook on things, but no matter how painful or joyful an emotion is- at least you are feeling it. now i won't go so far as to say that i relish pain- i don't go seeking it out, but if it does tumble my way, as it does from time to time in life, i am prepared to get through it and know its just another chapter in my world.
• 
  'Gays Too Precious To Risk In Combat,' Says General
  homosexuals "are special, pure and rare- like a gleaming diamond or a snow white colt. we must protect them", well when you put it that way don't ask, don't tell sounds downright thoughtful..haha
  
• why do we search for the one?
  why do we tell ourselves that they are out there, and they are going to completely us?
  we give this unknown person so much power, and place so much on their shoulders even the mightiest of men couldn't compare to this illusion we've dreamt up.
  in all honesty, no one knows definitively if they are out there. its like we are on this constant journey, that we never know if we will complete- but we still press on, believing that one day it will happen. that love will walk into our life in a highly dramatic but equally as perfect way.
  maybe some people aren't meant to find love, or at least aren't meant to find it in the way they envisioned. people (i.e. myself) need to drop this idealistic notion about love, true love, soul mates, and how love should go.
  there is no beaten path-
  there is no 'way love goes'-
  simply, let go of the wheel and floor it.
• god bless the working woman, even a global recession can't hold her down!
  
  Jeremih - Raindrops - Watch more Music Videos at Vodpod.
  
  is it just me or would you too, gladly have any of these flexible women over for dinner and a movie (and perhaps a late night booty drop contest)?
• i learned this week the website dinosaur of the day, has little to nothing to do with dinosaurs. i was incredibly bitter upon discovery of this fact.
• maybe its the baby rastafarian within me, but i have a love for all reggae and reggae infused music. i've been a fan of major lazer since my friend marvin introduced them to me a while back, but they recently covered beyonce's halo...while i don't LOVE it, i will say it's a fresh spin and i am a fan (but my favorite major lazer jam is mary jane). speaking of music where my verdict is still out- david byrne and fatboy slim teamed up with santigold in a new song called 'please dont'. i like all three individuals a great deal, but the song didn't punch me in the face...it's more like moss- it grows on you, and you grow comfortable with it. with all of that said, happy birthday to bob marley on saturday!
  

queerFAQtor wednesday

queefaqtor asks
apacowayner answers

admittedly, not my best editing work but there's always next week. as for this week, the other members of queerfaqtor and myself, all asked each other different questions and then answered them...and while not prompted to do so, i did feel that it was an appropriate time for me to put on my dino outfit and run around in the snow.
it's the little things that make me smile and ensure that if i didn't already have a loving girlfriend, i most certainly never would.

foolish fools

foolish fools
"...that's the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool."
- the great gatsby

'foolish' isn't a word people find difficult to define. if you asked a handful of folks how they would describe the term you would often hear, 'unwise'- 'stupid'- 'impulsive'- 'rash'- or 'the 2002 platinum selling album by ashanti'; you would be hard pressed to find any one that would willingly accept the title of 'fool', much less embrace it, or bestow it upon themselves. generally people use the noun form in a disparaging way- implying that one who is a fool is stupid. now, i wont argue the definition, but the connotation of the word 'fool' (at least in my world) is someone who is willing to be a little reckless, be a bit naive, maybe even throw caution to the wind and be thoughtless- but all in the name of being personally free. i don't find any shame in occasionally being labeled a fool, (because we all know everybody plays the fool- sometimes.) for me, its about balance- when one can blend sanity with complete chaos- that makes the fool a god.

i'm no stranger to the title of 'fool'. i feel as if you have any amount of zest to you, that people refer to you as such without batting an eyelash. whilst growing up i was often told to stop acting foolish, 'people are staring at you-', 'stop dancing like that'. years pass, then i was rewarded for my foolishness come my senior year of high school when i was voted 'class clown'. as if life at 17 isn't challenging enough, now i had to deal with the internal struggle of whether to fight my foolish fate, or simply embrace it. at about 20 years old, the term took on a different meaning for me. i became much more introspective, philosophical, open minded and on a constant search for new information to saturate my mind sponge. it was during this time i began to read about tarot cards, one in particular caught my eye from early on. as most tarot cards, the meaning is interpretive, but the basic story surrounding it is:

"The Fool settles beneath a tree, intent on finding his spiritual self. There he stays for nine days, without eating, barely moving. People pass by him, animals, clouds, the wind, the rain, the stars, sun and moon. On the ninth day, with no conscious thought of why, he climbs a branch and dangles upside down like a child, giving up for a moment, all that he is, wants, knows or cares about. Coins fall from his pockets and as he gazes down on them - seeing them not as money but only as round bits of metal - everything suddenly changes perspective. It is as if he's hanging between the mundane world and the spiritual world, able to see both. It is a dazzling moment, dreamlike yet crystal clear. Connections he never understood before are made, mysteries are revealed.

But timeless as this moment of clarity seems, he realizes that it will not last. Very soon, he must right himself, and when he does, things will be different. He will have to act on what he's learned. For now, however, he just hangs, weightless as if underwater, observing, absorbing, seeing."

should we really regard the fool as a mere jester? or is the fool only 'foolish' to those around him because they don't see the world in the same way? my grandmother thinks my having an email address is foolish, and she has just mastered her answering machine (and by 'master' i mean 'is able to retrieve her messages unassisted'). sure, thats neither here nor there, but it does point out something valid- i'm foolish to her because she doesn't understand the way in which i utilize the internet. i, in turn, think she is foolish for sometimes smelling like mothballs and old people- it's all a matter of perspective, my friends.

charles manson once said, “look down at me and you see a fool; look up at me and you see a god; look straight at me and you see yourself.” {AN ASIDE: i don't generally reference convicted felons in my blog,( or those who have been found guilty of conspiracy to commit murder, as it where) i try to appear as normal as possible but i won't deny that i have a healthy fascination with those who personify evil.. i'm not a killer- nor did i abuse animals as a child- i plainly find the behaviors we, as humans, choose to exhibit fascinating.} manson may have been a man who was haunted by many demons but his words still plant seeds of thought within me. what sprouted from the aforementioned quote? that we all have the capacity to judge those around us and claim some sort of superiority over them when in reality we are all the same. self proclaimed gods, foolish mortals, whatever you classify yourself as- you are no different from me, and nor i you.

and yet, as those trite words tumble from my brain to your computer screen, i find myself second guessing them. in one breath i state 'we are all the same, there is no natural hierarchy', and in another i chant 'we are all dynamically different, in beautifully explosive ways.' i guess i can agree that the two aren't mutually exclusive per se, even if they are contractions. we can be completely different while understanding that we are inherently the same.

being foolish can be a blissful state of allowing the coat of conformity slip off; it can be a time when one is truly open to new ideas without the shroud of judgement skewing ones vision; it can be a moment of unadulterated freedom. so the only question left to ask is, can you allow yourself to be a fool?