Friday, February 19, 2010

stealing the rainbow

stealing the rainbow
a public apology

a truck cut me off while driving into work today. rather than flipping my high-beams to remind the driver i gladly would have let him over if he had just used a fucking TURN SIGNAL, i became entranced with his tires and the rooster tails of road spray it made while splashing through the melted snow and ice. a trivial occurrence such as the mist from tires might not catch most peoples attention but my gaze was transfixed. amidst my spacing out on a major highway at 6o miles per hour, i saw it- a colorful display of hope, a rainbow.

of course my first thought was to cock my head to the side and sigh aloud, 'aww' because the only thing cuter than a rainbow is a bucket of kittens with handlebar mustaches. after that thought, i became riddled with guilt, for i assumed that the driver was gay and thus in my book all sins were forgiven. how dare i rush to judgment upon the sight of a simple rainbow, but it brought me to the all too valid realization- the gays stole the rainbow.

think about it- anyone over the age of 12 can't be rainbow clad without at least a handful of people thinking, 'look at that gay, so colorful and chuck full of pride!'. i hate to admit it but when i see a rainbow anything, that isn't accompanied by a bible verse, i assume the wearer at least supports the community. that narrow minded view of mine is going to be a challenge to shake, as half the time when a rainbow is present- it is in support of those in the LGBT world.

i feel awful that our hetero-counterparts can't proudly cloak themselves head to toe in rainbows without the postulation that they are out. who are we to commandeer the entire rainbow? (with that said, i'd be willing to give back the rainbow all together if we had equal protections under the law, but that's a rant for another time.) i felt the only appropriate way for me to remedy the fanny pack of guilt i'm carrying around is to publicly apologize:

dear straight spectral lovers,

i'm sorry us gays stole the rainbow. you know how we get about matching- and the rainbow goes with everything!
now some might argue it was never ours to begin with, what with the whole noah's ark tale, and that it has and always will be a beacon of hope and God's promise of the future. i'm not trying to take anything away from that but tell me what you honestly would think of a fella wearing a rainbow flag as a cape? do you think he's celebrating the clouds lifting and the promise of a new day? or would it be more accurate to say you think something along the lines of, 'he's gay as hell'?
as of late our community has been making a lot of demands (repeal DADT, the right to marriage, basic human protections under the law- just like you have), but we often forget what we do have in our corner- that beautiful depiction of ROY G. BIV. the collection of colors in no way makes up for the absence of our rights, but while we are fighting for equality i will wear my rainbow shirt proudly. for i know how lucky i am that when people jump to the conclusion that i'm gay because of my rainbow garb- that they are absolutely right.
i'm sorry again, my heteros, for unknowingly stealing the visible spectrum...but on the bright side at least you all still have the rest of the electromagnetic spectrum!

thank you for your time,


  1. You know, straight girls wear rainbows all the time and think nothing of it.

    I have plenty of woman-friends who think it doesn't even matter.

    What fools they are, really. They're just MAKING THEMSELVES prey for lesbians. Whenever I see a babe WITHOUT a rainbow, I jump on it... but when she's a babe and she's sportin' the colors, well... let's just say my dick's in her mouth STAT.

  2. "...the only thing cuter than a rainbow is a bucket of kittens with handlebar mustaches." literally choked on a sissy tea latte that shit was so funny

  3. Dimitri Martin the comedian does a whole thing about that actually which is pretty damn funny.

  4. @apryl, i just googled him- he reminds me of mitch hedberg- who i LOVED! "My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so ...yeah"

  5. you know what? as long as you keep writing hilarious, knee-slapping blog posts like this one: you can keep the rainbow! i'd rather have it hijacked by someone like you than a redneck, truck-driving homophobic stud any day!

  6. Everthing in only 1 generation. - Tudo em 1 só geração.

    O Maravilhoso Carpinteiro que se fez pecado no inferno é Completamente Benígno e está Justificado pelo o Deus Vivo Espírito Santo Marcele Castro Da Veiga, que o ressusitou dos espíritos mortos que estão nas profundezas da morte no abismo das trevas.

    1. Em uma só geração induzidos ao erro os inocentes Eva e Adão caíram e morreram eternamente, mas.

    2. Em uma só geração o Novo Adão Etéreo, resgatou do erro eterno, a Eva e a fez Nova e se levantaram.

    3. Também em uma só geração no tempo final se Manifestou o Casamento Celestial Eterno, Uma Nova Terra/Céu/Cosmo Incorruptíveis são Confirmados para sempre, em Fiel Puro Amor, no Único Deus Vivo Espírito Santo da Justiça.