Tuesday, February 23, 2010

post so nice, it's blogged twice

post so nice, it's blogged twice:
you want to be what?!

happy tuesday all. i was feeling a bit listless yesterday and was in need of inspiration. as i normally do when i feel stagnant or unfulfilled, i feverishly began reading others words in hopes of connecting with myself (or in some cases, completely detach). in addition to that, i also find when i feel low i to try and inspire myself to shake that funk, girl by reading old works of my own. there's a sick sense of satisfaction in reading things from the past...sometimes it's nice to remind yourself how far you have come- like the voice of an old friend saying,
"it could be worse, at least you aren't at this point in your life anymore."

{{ sidenote: i know being passionate about reading and writing isn't something i share with everyone, but whether or not you love words- you will be moved by miss hannah miet, the author of the blog my soul is a butterfly. i am consistently blown away by her work. err- well, 'blown away' is a bit inaccurate- she doesn't push you away with her words. she has the uncanny ability to reveal little bits of herself- very personal and private information- without allowing the reader completely in. there is an honest mystery about her that i can't put my finger on. every post she writes i crave more- i love that we are privy to such beautiful snapshots in her life, and yet the main reason i love her is her obscurantist nature. you may think you know her, but it's just a glance we've seen. hannah and lauren, of hipstercrite, are far and away the two writers i look up to the most. without fail, their posts intrigue me (and countless others who follow their blogs) now, instead of turning this to a gush-fest (which i will save for another day) i will digress, and hop back on topic-}}

while sifting through what seems like countless notebooks and documents on my computer i found it- just what i needed to reread to pull myself up by the boot strings...
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you want to be what?!
trick, you crazy
originally posted: 7/28/09

i remember in second grade, being asked by my teacher mrs. geiger, 'what do you want to be when you grow up?'

it was the first time we had all really been posed the question and she asked us to think about it and come back the next day and report back to the class.

of course i did something bizarre. it was, after all, in second grade that i accepted that i was completely unlike anyone else and good, bad or awkward- i was going to make the most of it, and OWN THAT SHIT!

so amongst the future doctors, lawyers, and my personal favorite a 'housewife' (not even a 'stay at home mom', but a 'housewife'...damn second graders with their sexist views, i digress) when i got up in front of the class i said:

'i want to be a tree.'

everyone looked at me like i was ape shit. i went on to elaborate about how my eyes would be the leaves and every time one fell, i could see where it went and in turn, live vicariously through it (admittedly at 8 i didn't understand the concept of 'living vicariously through' anything, but i know now that's the line of thought i was going for regardless of whether the notion itself was a bit above me at the time.) my roots would be huge, snarled, and full of life. id have a tire swing hangin' on my left arm and a tree house on my shoulder.

my teacher laughed at me, hung her head in her hands and said:

'ashley, you didn't do the assignment correctly. none of those things are possible. what do you really want to be when you grow up- and be serious'

after that i ended up just sitting down. i was a very sensitive child and didn't handle being told what to do very well. moreover, my dreams of living in a fantasy world were dashed. impossible? was she insane?

i know that i'm a dreamer.
i know that i'm idealistic.
but that doesn't mean i'm irrational. i know now that a tree isn't a realistic occupation-
unless of course i'm him. but i was 8! DON'T DASH THE DREAMS OF A CHILD!

people are still doing it to me- shit, people are doing it to everyone.
why isn't everyone encouraged to follow their dreams, make their own path and do whatever the fuck they (legally) want!
you wanna be a tree? you wanna be a fork? do you babyboo. do you.

so- what do i want to be when i grow up?
i know the things i'd like to do, but as far as defining myself id say unequivocally i want to be simply- me.
is that a cop out?
whatever i am- that's what i want to be.
sure, id love to write and host my own show.
i'd love to move out to california.
i'd love to be surrounded by my beautiful, dynamic, brilliant friends and family all the time.
id love to be known for being a strong, unique, fresh woman, who was never afraid to be herself.
id love to also own a dinosaur mascot costume at some point in my life. DARE TO DREAM!
**EDIT: since this entry was original posted, the dinosaur costume HAS come into my life. in case you were curious- yes, the quality of my life has increased dramatically after it's purchase...sad but true.**

so, if you are feeling low- or as if your dreams wont ever come to pass, i give you one of my favorite words of wisdom...
above all, watch with glittering eyes
the whole world around you
because the greatest secrets
are always hidden in the most unlikely places.
those who don’t believe in magic will never find it.

-roald dahl-
also, for those of you who dont appreciate the eloquence of that quote, words of wisdom for you all:

two tears in a bucket-
MOTHA' FUCK IT!

-drag queen from dc, kristina kelly-

7 comments:

  1. When I was 8 I used to cry because I couldn't get the actual ingredients for a witch's spell in the back of a Clifford the Big Red Dog book.
    I just knew that I could work magic If I could only get these notions for this potion. I did end up on the Pagan path and it has been grand {evil warlord wanna be's and glitter witches and all}
    My new motivation comes from my oldest childs other gay roommate {cause they're all gay!}
    ~Joey * "Bigfoot, Sasquatch, get the fuck out the way, MaMa Joey's coOkies are burnin"
    Apparantly, this came to him while lost in the woods and trippin. It has become my mantra when I feel the need to ass kick the world.
    I'm sorry Your teacher did that.
    And I love Hipstercrite! Its how I found Your blog, which I LoVe.

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  2. what a terrible teacher!
    those are the sort of people where i wish i had a time machine and could go back and say, "shut the fuck up, teacher!"
    did i ever tell you this story? in college, i had a persuasive argument class and there was a question about did anyone in the room ever want to get married? can you believe i was the only person who didn't raise her hand? everyone looked at me like i was nuts.
    don't go changing, you're awesome the way you are.
    we'd all be so lucky to be a tree. look at the giving tree? the tree was a better human being than the actual human!
    (thanks for the shout out too)

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  3. Amen to you, Baby girl. Be all you want to be..just do it .. (to steal some famous ad campaigns that apply here )

    But move to California? Not so much lovin' THAT one.

    You have amazing talent and I'm so glad you are WAY more than a tree but still have the inspiration in life to see how "being a tree" would be the bomb !

    If I taught you nothing in life, I hope I taught you that you'd be so much happier following your dream and doing what you love.

    Cursewords? Really?

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  4. Note to your followers..

    this is the same girl who dressed up as Marcia Clark in Kindergarten...on Halloween... complete with Marcia Clark wig and briefcase..

    (Marcia Clark - prosecutor in the OJ Simpson trial)

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  5. mother, if you don't mention who you are it makes you sound incredibly creepy...but thank you =)

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  6. But "Mother" is not a choice...

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  7. that is absolutely beautiful. 'i want to be a tree.' totally moved me, totally seemed possible. you are truly unique and awe inspiring, friend. that's my new motto.
    'i want to be a tree'

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