the lumps of fat we love

the lumps of fat we love
boobs and booties

you know them well- love them, own them, sneak a peek at them, hate them, envy them, pay for them, grab them. throughout time, both of them have been vilified and have gotten more press than any other part of the human anatomy. who knew that the momentary sight of one nipple would cause such an uproar for janet, miss jackson if your nasty. no matter who you are- a booty or a titter tot has popped into your life in some form or fashion. who knew, a mere resting point when in the seated position and two lumps of fat with the purpose of milk production, are behind the age old debate of "tits vs ass". excuse me for being so rude and crass, but when it comes to mammary glands and fannies, i just can't contain myself- and yes, that does mean i may toss an extra 'ass' mention into my work...if that offends you, (read: i'm talking to you, mother), then stop reading now.

shirley maclaine once said,"i want women to be liberated and still be able to have a nice ass and shake it", and i can't say i much disagree. i like my women smart and capable of carrying on lengthy conversations about metaphysics, dinosaurs, and life but i'm not ashamed to admit i'd also like my girl able bodied enough to drop it low. there is nothing as distracting as an obnoxiously round booty, male or female. i, not shockingly, notice lady tailfeathers time and time again but rarely a fella will waltz by shaking something sweet and i must give credit where credit is due.

not all butts are created equal. they come in all different sizes, shapes, and textures. my personal favorite is the classic 'badonkadonk'. the fanny that looks like someone threw a ball of clay up against a wall and if by magic, this larger than life behind is not only defying gravity but is making a perfect shelf below ones back. aside from the aesthetics of a rump, it has got to have a great feel. i often encourage others to feel my girlfriend's fanny as a reference on what perfection feels like. i understand that sounds a bit like a girl making grand statement about the one she loves, but in all honesty- ask anyone who i've made uncomfortable by forcing to grope my girlfriend, and they will agree- shit's bodacious. a great booty is incredibly firm without being creepily chiseled...think stress ball vs stone, which would you rather have bouncing on your lap at a strip club?

now of course, this is all a matter of preference. every caboose deserves love, even those that aren't considered 'ideal' to most. i am the proud owner of a bag of skin that i like to sit on, one might even call it 'neat'...as in, 'look at her dumper, meh- that's neat.' but that's about as far as compliments go towards my fanny. being of the long and lean variety, i don't store a lot of extra meat in my hindquarters and subsequently my ass consists of: some muscle, blood, unicorn dust, bone and skin. the apple didn't fall far from the tree, my mother went to a predominately black high school and if her lily white skin didn't make her an easy mark for bullies- her particularly flat fanny indeed did...i've never been allowed to mention the term 'duck butt' in front of her without her raising hell.

fear not my friends, the gods didn't leave my poor mother completely destitute, they did give her the incredible ability to write, a beautiful face, and a sweet set of twins...on her chest. some may argue that's an inappropriate statement for me to make, what with her being my mother but i call a spade a spade. many women are lucky enough to have been blessed with two, incredibly perky, round, even breasts. i don't care if you paid someone to make them look larger, i don't care if you paid someone to make them look smaller, all i care about is you enjoy sharing them with friends (of which, i consider myself one).

i used to work at a place that was hyper saturated with men and i remember them going back and forth often between 'real vs fake' in the breast debate. all the girls i've ever been with have had real breasts, but i've felt fake breasts in the past (because when you get breast implants all social norms are thrown out the window and its completely appropriate and socially encouraged, to have your friends feel your new chest ornaments.) what it boils down to is, are they real enough to utilize? that's really all i need to know.

breast vs buttocks...who will come out on top?! well, logistically speaking, breasts will forever be higher than butts- even after gravity pulls on them both for 40+ years. however, personally speaking, i can't decide. both are universal, completely unique,and feel great in my hands...the universe isn't asking us to choose, in fact, it knows of how difficult the choice would be. that's why we all have cheeks down south, and a crack up top...boobs and butts, ahh the lumps of fat we love.