Tuesday, January 26, 2010

date and die

date and die
because maintaining relationships whilst in one is so passé

ahh new love- it's a beautiful thing to witness (unless you are the latter half of the world who wants nothing more than to punch a kitten in the face when you hear the syrupy sweet coos of those in the midst of a budding romance). we all know about the sunshine and rainbows that come with a new relationship, but there is a little discussed downside to a new relationship- when you date and then die.

it's easy to excuse when it initially starts out- your newly shacked up friend is more and more frequently MIA when it comes to the party scene, then the phone calls and texts begin to die off, until finally your friend- for all intensive purposes, dies. ok, thats a bit dramatic- they don't die but for whatever reason they prove that they cannot maintain both a friendship with you, and a romantic relationship with someone else.

the 'date and die' mentality strikes people for different reasons, but two of which stand out above the rest. i've found that friends die off because they either are legitimately consumed with their new partner and couldn't find it in their power to pull themselves away OR their new partner does not appreciate your alls friendship, and has pulled you both apart.

i can't tell you how many times i've heard personally (and socially) 'my girlfriend doesn't like you and i being friends', or something similar. you would actually would be hard pressed to find someone who would be honest enough to admit, 'my girlfriend doesn't trust me around you, is incredibly insecure, and thinks you are desirable- ipso facto, we cannot hang out anymore'. i had a friend who would blow in and out of my life randomly. initially, i just assumed she was a seasonal friend, until i realized that she had a long term on-and-off relationship with a girl who wasn't exactly my biggest fan. i've never met the girl, nor have i ever hit on her sometimes girlfriend, but apparently our mild social interactions were enough to warrant an all out 'ashley-ban'...she wasn't even allowed to text me. i don't consider it a total loss, in fact my overly optimistic self twists the story into a romantic one. instead of being offended, i tell myself that its admirable of my friend to forfeit our relationship for the betterment of the one with her and her girlfriend. however, if your girlfriend doesn't trust you to hang out with pre-existing friends, perhaps you have some bigger problems that are worth addressing, but that's neither here nor there..moving on.

it's also not uncommon to have friends die off because they are so far up their lovers fanny. i know a handful of couples who literally are each others world. i'm not knocking that lifestyle because it clearly works for them, but i will say it's not something i'd like to partake in. it's as if they believe there's no reason to venture outside, to return texts from friends, update your status on facebook (unless, of course, to remind the world of their new found undying love). now thats just my outside perspective, and of course i'm biased because i've lost my friend and i can't do a thing about it! i'm not the type to demand someones attention, if you want to be my friend- great, but if you don't then you are entitled to that. i guess whats a bit hard for me to wrap my mind around is how in the world you are going to allow anyone tell you who you can be friends with. i understand respecting your partner, i know that there are a few folks that i associate with less frequently out of respect for my girlfriend, but ultimatly her and i have an understanding that we will never explicitly forbid anything. it's not either of our places to be the others keeper, i respect her enough to know that there are places she'd rather not me go and vice versa. but to flatout give an ultimatum is a bit excessive in my opinion, and i'd prefer a partner to a parent anyday.

is it so hard to maintain multiple relationships? is it even possible to appease everyone? who knows, what i know for certain is i hate loosing friends but i understand that with life comes ups and downs and i need to keep an open mind and not take it so personally. but a word of warning to those who are thinking of getting into a relationship, you may want to bid your friends farewell- for you too, might date and die.


  1. I've stumbled across your blog from Youtube, and I'm sort of going through that 'my girlfriend doesn't like you' thing with one of my girlfriends. The best part is though, I'm straight, she's gay, and yet, somehow, her (actually lesbian) girlfriend (let's call her Vlad) seems to have demanded an all-out ban of all things me-related.

    It sucks because this friend (who, to be honest, is someone I'm fast becoming less fond of) and I used to hang out pretty much every other day-until she met up with Vlad and began the dedicated effort of treating me like I have some contagious disease since late December. I haven't even met Big Bad Vlad, which is where I can relate with this post. We haven't spoken since, actually.

    I'm more disappointed in my friend for being a push-over, at the end of the day, then again, I took what little pride I had left and decided not to find out why she made this choice either. I know she's fine, which, to me, is fair

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  3. i am guilty of the date & die. I love that you gave it a name & explained it! I was like "oh crap! thats me!!! where's her hidden camera... @_@* but yea, i admit i should talk to my friends more... i went from txts all day long to... well, just homework pretty much. (-o-*)