ripped from my journal: words

It's not that I want people to think I am smart, or even that I am a good writer.
I write because I want to end my loneliness.
- Jonathan Safran Foer

have you ever just fallen in love with a string of words?
i do it all the time.
its one thing when the syntax and the rhythm flow beautifully, but another completely when the sound and taste of the words in your mouth pulls an emotion out of you.

it sounds ridiculous, but some words just feel good to say-
obviously curse words are like this- FUCK is my personal favorite...also taking the lords name in vein from time to time...i do that mostly to piss off my mother and because i'm sure if i believed in a hell below, that's where she feels i'd go.
but other words too, that you wouldn't think feel good.
i'm a big fan of 'foolish fool'...come on, you know i'm a big fan of alliterations in general.
i love phrases like 'flip-flop', and 'raging rapids', because in addition to them being alliterations, they have a rhythm to them that is honestly unparalleled.
and don't even get me started on old english..man do i love it! do you know i found a way to sneak 'nay' into a normal conversation at work the other day?!
'yah so i went to the copier to find more toner and was it there? NAY MY FRIEND!'
i guess it helps that i'm already regarded as a bit of an 'eccentric' at work (read: the nice/HR-friendly way of saying 'ashley, you are bizarre') and thus me using old verbiage is nothing to raise an eyebrow at.

sure, i'm a little crazy, but words are so powerful.
whats more powerful than words?
possibly the lack of them..or the abundance of them.
but not actions...

woah woah woah...ashley- where the hell is this rant going?
meh, i don't know. i was just thinking...as i normally do, far too much...

i've been cheated on before.
once physically, and once emotionally.
and to be perfectly honest with you- emotionally was FAR more painful than the physical shit ever could have been.
there's an honesty in words over actions.
when i found out a person i was with had slept with someone else- i could chalk it up to 'i didn't satisfy them enough physically'..which- while defeating, didn't crush me. so you don't like my body, hell- i don't even like it all of the time, who could blame you for growing bored of it.
when i found out the one i loved was emailing an ex, and the words she shared with her were the ones i thought were reserved only for me- that ripped my heart out, that caused me pain- moreso than i ever imagined.
to me, my body is a vessel- it doesn't define me.
what does define me is my mind, and all the swirling thoughts inside of it.
when you deny my body, i can rationalize it away.
but denying my mind? that is earth shattering.

words are like bells, just because you have stopped ringing it- doesn't mean that the sound has stopped piercing my ears.
just because you rang another bell louder- doesn't mean that the pitch of the first doesn't still echo in my mind.
i'm a very forgiving person, and i find that i do 'forgive and forget' most things...but sometimes- if someone stabs me particularly deep with a string of dagger-like words, i am forever transformed. words carry meaning, and i never forget that.

it's interesting- words are no different than symbols. we have given this hunk of letters a meaning, and with that meaning, we as humans, have created emotions to tag along with these words. we have done it all!
what does love mean?
tell me how happiness feels?
how does one explain depression?
when a doctor says 'cancer', what does that feel like?
words ARE powerful, but when i get to overwhelmed i remind myself that 'they are just words, we have given them life- it's our choice to regard them as mere tools in communicating, or allowing them to dictate our emotions.'

i know many say 'ill believe it when i see it' or 'actions speak louder than words'...ill politely disagree if you don't mind.
actions certainly ring loudly, however words- words reach a different level.
people like to pretend that words don't matter.
its not worth talking about it.
like hell it is...i'm certain that it's because i went through years of bottling up every single emotion and not addressing things that now, i force myself- no matter how painful- to talk.
i can't shutdown.
but it feels so good to turn off and retreat into yourself sometimes
but sometimes all too easily turns into all the time if you are anything like me...so i just try to always remain emotionally awake.

to me, words speak louder than actions ever could.

words were the knife that was thrust into me when someone broke my heart all those years ago...
and words are the one thing that mended it again.

i suppose my love affair with words will have to wade through the murky waters, for the light that can come along with them far outweighs the painful punch they can pack.


i've been in love with 'little dragon' after my friend dee turned me onto them. this is a haunting remix with arron jerome