run baby, run

post from a previous time:
run baby, run
---originally journaled back in december 2008---

there's this strange negative connotation put upon those who 'run away'. i suppose its because we regard those who run away as cowardly, or neglectful. i.e. a deadbeat parent, or a lost child. when you hear of someone running away, we often forget to ask 'what where they running from?'
are they-
running from pain..
running from whats wrong..
running from the past..
running from yourself..
really, does it matter?
i for one say, run baby.

sometimes its good to run; sometimes we need to run; if for nothing else, just to feel free.

i recently did just that- i ran away. in fact, im still running..everyday i tell myself not to look back- or, if that's not possible, at least don't stop running. it's been the single most terrifying and liberating experience ever. everyday i ask myself 'i am i making the biggest mistake by running, or would not running be the mistake?'
i found liberation in answering that question with 'i don't know- i have no fucking idea..and im ok with that.'

i'm finally at a point in my life where i'm not terrified of making mistakes. don't get me wrong, i do all i can to make the right choices- not lead myself into temptation, deliver myself from evil, all that shit..but im finally ok with saying 'i don't know whats best for me', mostly because i know that my fate will be ok either way. i can make the right choice, and all is well. or i can make the wrong choice, and learn from it. in my eyes- that's a WIN-WIN. i've learned the most powerful lessons during my most painful experiences. and while in the moment, its hard to see the bigger picture- i know that regardless of whether i make the 'right' or 'wrong' choices, ill be a stronger person in the end.

i hate the words 'right' and 'wrong'.
they are so subjective.
same as 'morality' and 'values'.
same as 'hot' and 'cold'-
i am a strong supporter of facing your problems, and addressing what it is that is troubling you, but sometimes- you need to cut and run.

for me personally, this was the first time i really utilized this power.
normally i want to work things out.
but it just got out of control.
well, ok- honestly, the situation wasn't that out of control..but i was.
i was headed back to a dark place-
a place that i've been too many times before, but this time, it was not warranted.

i had no reason to be so torn, so conflicted.
i had no reason to have so much guilt, feel such pain.
i had all the power.

i have all the power.
the power to run- or not.
the power to choose- or not.
the power to chase- or not.
the power to sit still.

god. don't you hate when you have an epiphanal moment and you just want to kick the younger you for not realizing it sooner?! i mean, what would life be- if not a series of terrible choices that we subsequently learn from- but damn. had i known in high school how powerful the individual is, i would have felt so much more confident. had i known that the individual was me, the individual who was capable of making a choice...i would have been unstoppable.

now, here i am.
a runaway train..rolling down the tracks, with no clear notion of where exactly im headed.
i don't have a plan for the first time ever.

im lost and found.
all at once.
life is beautiful...