Wednesday, November 18, 2009

my fairy gaymother

dear ellen,

well, in addition to your growing list of job titles (tv host, american idol judge, covergirl spokeswoman, the current face of lesbianism, and the woman who cuddles up with portia derossi on the regular) its high time you add another notch to your belt...thats right, the highly coveted title of "ashleys fairy gaymother". im sure you can imagine the list of lesbian idols was long, and thus pairing it down we difficult. it came down to you and oprah- and as she isnt technically 'gay', that pretty much knocked her out of the running. i wont lie, my precious lindsay lohan was on the list for a bit but that was just me thinking with the wrong head. i will always have a spot for my lilo, but shes far from fairy gaymother material. not like you- you stand out above the rest, and no one but you would do to be my favorite lesbian. dont you worry, kayne isnt here thus, your acceptance speech wont be cut short.

ive always been intrigued by you- i mean, as a lesbian, its hard not to at least be aware of whats going on in your life. you are a pioneer, a renegade- fuck sarah palin, you were the first to 'go rouge' (and in my opinion, would have looked a heck of a lot better than her on the cover of newsweek/runners world.) whether or not you know it, you are an inspiration to every lesbian out there- you have shown the world that gays arent lepers, and can have the same level of commercial success as our hetero counterparts. you have shown us how beautiful a relationship can be- regardless of gender, and how happy marriage can make two people. because of these reasons, i have named you my fairy gaymother.

another reason ive bestowed such a prestigious title on your shoulders was because you and my girl, oprah, are now best friends. i thought it would be fun if we all hung out sometime- not that ive invested a significant amount of time planning out the 'playdates' that i know will never happen. pfft, no way, that would be borderline creepy, and thats not the way the relationship should go between gay and fairy gaymother. however, if you were ever to stop by the nations capital for say, a weekend getaway with your wife and new gal pal oprah, im letting you know that i have an itinerary at the ready for our funfest!

now, fear not- this isnt an awkward love-filled rant on just how amazing you are. while that would be a joy to write, i do have a legitimate reason for writing to you. as my fairy gaymother, its only appropriate that i come to you with questions regarding my gay world. im sick with worry, fairy gaymother. i feel as if oftentimes, i have two lives- my professional life, and my gay world. i look at you as a beacon of hope- you have effortlessly it seems, balanced perfectly the professionalism of a seasoned reporter with the magicaliness (or simply glory, for those of you who dont appreciate my made-up vocabulary) of the lesbian god that you are. HOW DO YOU DO IT?

it hasnt intentionally happened this way, i know the two arent mutually exclusive- and yet i have a hard time combining them. i know why, im scared. how did you become so strong ellen? in the professional world, i dont bring up topics that im oober passionate about, if i feel they are too divisive or too 'gay'. now with that said, i will fiercely defend/disprove/speak up for gay issues if they are brought up- and i really dont have an issue talking about the LBGT community with my coworkers. the issue is more that i dont want to be labeled as that 'gay soapbox girl'- you know the one that at every mildly appropriate time (and every inappropriate time) jumps up on her gay soapboxes and rants for hours about how gay she is, and proud, and everyone needs to know what the fuck is on her agenda.

im proud of who i am.
i am secure in who i am.
but i would also think it was really weird if a heterosexual at work shouted at me, 'im straight'.

i just want everyone to be comfortable. im realistic enough to admit that not everyone supports gays, and even though its an unpopular opinion of mine- i feel that i should respect their opinion (albeit terribly narrow minded) and not force who i am down their throat. all i can do is be a good person, and hope that they see that regardless of who i sleep with- i have a good heart.

in conclusion, i would like to officially congratulate you on being named my fairy gaymother. please understand that its a very dignified position, and im sure you will respect it- as it carries much clout. (ive already taken it upon myself to make a photo of you as my fairy gaymother, and a t-shirt isnt far behind) i also understand that im essentially talking to myself but i hope that one day you actually read my letters- but even if you dont, ellen degeneres will always be my fairy gaymother!

LBGTake care,


  1. Ashley, I hope Ellen reads this. & puts it on her show. Id tune in especailly for that episode, so she can call u & I can watch the hilarity that will ensue. I cant wait. Even if it doesnt happen, it's alrdy happened in my mind... & it was awesome. I love ur blogs.

  2. its already happened in your mind too?! glad im not the only one who lives in a fantasy world. =) your comments always make me feel great, and smile from ear to ear.