ripped from my journal: words

It's not that I want people to think I am smart, or even that I am a good writer.
I write because I want to end my loneliness.
- Jonathan Safran Foer

have you ever just fallen in love with a string of words?
i do it all the time.
its one thing when the syntax and the rhythm flow beautifully, but another completely when the sound and taste of the words in your mouth pulls an emotion out of you.

it sounds ridiculous, but some words just feel good to say-
obviously curse words are like this- FUCK is my personal favorite...also taking the lords name in vein from time to time...i do that mostly to piss off my mother and because i'm sure if i believed in a hell below, that's where she feels i'd go.
but other words too, that you wouldn't think feel good.
i'm a big fan of 'foolish fool'...come on, you know i'm a big fan of alliterations in general.
i love phrases like 'flip-flop', and 'raging rapids', because in addition to them being alliterations, they have a rhythm to them that is honestly unparalleled.
and don't even get me started on old english..man do i love it! do you know i found a way to sneak 'nay' into a normal conversation at work the other day?!
'yah so i went to the copier to find more toner and was it there? NAY MY FRIEND!'
i guess it helps that i'm already regarded as a bit of an 'eccentric' at work (read: the nice/HR-friendly way of saying 'ashley, you are bizarre') and thus me using old verbiage is nothing to raise an eyebrow at.

sure, i'm a little crazy, but words are so powerful.
whats more powerful than words?
possibly the lack of them..or the abundance of them.
but not actions...

woah woah woah...ashley- where the hell is this rant going?
meh, i don't know. i was just thinking...as i normally do, far too much...

i've been cheated on before.
once physically, and once emotionally.
and to be perfectly honest with you- emotionally was FAR more painful than the physical shit ever could have been.
there's an honesty in words over actions.
when i found out a person i was with had slept with someone else- i could chalk it up to 'i didn't satisfy them enough physically'..which- while defeating, didn't crush me. so you don't like my body, hell- i don't even like it all of the time, who could blame you for growing bored of it.
when i found out the one i loved was emailing an ex, and the words she shared with her were the ones i thought were reserved only for me- that ripped my heart out, that caused me pain- moreso than i ever imagined.
to me, my body is a vessel- it doesn't define me.
what does define me is my mind, and all the swirling thoughts inside of it.
when you deny my body, i can rationalize it away.
but denying my mind? that is earth shattering.

words are like bells, just because you have stopped ringing it- doesn't mean that the sound has stopped piercing my ears.
just because you rang another bell louder- doesn't mean that the pitch of the first doesn't still echo in my mind.
i'm a very forgiving person, and i find that i do 'forgive and forget' most things...but sometimes- if someone stabs me particularly deep with a string of dagger-like words, i am forever transformed. words carry meaning, and i never forget that.

it's interesting- words are no different than symbols. we have given this hunk of letters a meaning, and with that meaning, we as humans, have created emotions to tag along with these words. we have done it all!
what does love mean?
tell me how happiness feels?
how does one explain depression?
when a doctor says 'cancer', what does that feel like?
words ARE powerful, but when i get to overwhelmed i remind myself that 'they are just words, we have given them life- it's our choice to regard them as mere tools in communicating, or allowing them to dictate our emotions.'

i know many say 'ill believe it when i see it' or 'actions speak louder than words'...ill politely disagree if you don't mind.
actions certainly ring loudly, however words- words reach a different level.
people like to pretend that words don't matter.
its not worth talking about it.
like hell it is...i'm certain that it's because i went through years of bottling up every single emotion and not addressing things that now, i force myself- no matter how painful- to talk.
i can't shutdown.
but it feels so good to turn off and retreat into yourself sometimes
but sometimes all too easily turns into all the time if you are anything like me...so i just try to always remain emotionally awake.

to me, words speak louder than actions ever could.

words were the knife that was thrust into me when someone broke my heart all those years ago...
and words are the one thing that mended it again.

i suppose my love affair with words will have to wade through the murky waters, for the light that can come along with them far outweighs the painful punch they can pack.


i've been in love with 'little dragon' after my friend dee turned me onto them. this is a haunting remix with arron jerome

queerFAQtor wednesdays

adventures in clubland
my first experience at a gay club

i also feel the need to stress that as far as being a 'clubber', i am not one. in fact, one might argue i'm a bit of a homebody, or 'lameo' in some social circles. however, when i do go out- i make it count! and by that i mean be the DD, so we get home safe and the taxis don't give us a run for our money..i know these streets!

also, i'm incredibly proud of my secret insertion of not one- but TWO dinosaur shots...in homage to our fallen fellows.

date and die

date and die
because maintaining relationships whilst in one is so passé

ahh new love- it's a beautiful thing to witness (unless you are the latter half of the world who wants nothing more than to punch a kitten in the face when you hear the syrupy sweet coos of those in the midst of a budding romance). we all know about the sunshine and rainbows that come with a new relationship, but there is a little discussed downside to a new relationship- when you date and then die.

it's easy to excuse when it initially starts out- your newly shacked up friend is more and more frequently MIA when it comes to the party scene, then the phone calls and texts begin to die off, until finally your friend- for all intensive purposes, dies. ok, thats a bit dramatic- they don't die but for whatever reason they prove that they cannot maintain both a friendship with you, and a romantic relationship with someone else.

the 'date and die' mentality strikes people for different reasons, but two of which stand out above the rest. i've found that friends die off because they either are legitimately consumed with their new partner and couldn't find it in their power to pull themselves away OR their new partner does not appreciate your alls friendship, and has pulled you both apart.

i can't tell you how many times i've heard personally (and socially) 'my girlfriend doesn't like you and i being friends', or something similar. you would actually would be hard pressed to find someone who would be honest enough to admit, 'my girlfriend doesn't trust me around you, is incredibly insecure, and thinks you are desirable- ipso facto, we cannot hang out anymore'. i had a friend who would blow in and out of my life randomly. initially, i just assumed she was a seasonal friend, until i realized that she had a long term on-and-off relationship with a girl who wasn't exactly my biggest fan. i've never met the girl, nor have i ever hit on her sometimes girlfriend, but apparently our mild social interactions were enough to warrant an all out 'ashley-ban'...she wasn't even allowed to text me. i don't consider it a total loss, in fact my overly optimistic self twists the story into a romantic one. instead of being offended, i tell myself that its admirable of my friend to forfeit our relationship for the betterment of the one with her and her girlfriend. however, if your girlfriend doesn't trust you to hang out with pre-existing friends, perhaps you have some bigger problems that are worth addressing, but that's neither here nor there..moving on.

it's also not uncommon to have friends die off because they are so far up their lovers fanny. i know a handful of couples who literally are each others world. i'm not knocking that lifestyle because it clearly works for them, but i will say it's not something i'd like to partake in. it's as if they believe there's no reason to venture outside, to return texts from friends, update your status on facebook (unless, of course, to remind the world of their new found undying love). now thats just my outside perspective, and of course i'm biased because i've lost my friend and i can't do a thing about it! i'm not the type to demand someones attention, if you want to be my friend- great, but if you don't then you are entitled to that. i guess whats a bit hard for me to wrap my mind around is how in the world you are going to allow anyone tell you who you can be friends with. i understand respecting your partner, i know that there are a few folks that i associate with less frequently out of respect for my girlfriend, but ultimatly her and i have an understanding that we will never explicitly forbid anything. it's not either of our places to be the others keeper, i respect her enough to know that there are places she'd rather not me go and vice versa. but to flatout give an ultimatum is a bit excessive in my opinion, and i'd prefer a partner to a parent anyday.

is it so hard to maintain multiple relationships? is it even possible to appease everyone? who knows, what i know for certain is i hate loosing friends but i understand that with life comes ups and downs and i need to keep an open mind and not take it so personally. but a word of warning to those who are thinking of getting into a relationship, you may want to bid your friends farewell- for you too, might date and die.

we can't be lesbifriends?!

the semi true myth:
we can't be lesbifriends

this weekend my friends and i reached an interesting impasse regarding girl on girl friendships in the lesbian world. my argument was simple yet incredibly idealistic- anyone can be friends with anyone, no matter sexual orientation or identity. the latter stance was that lesbians have a more difficult time maintaining friendships with other lesbians as sexual chemistry always comes into play and one cannot fight that animalistic urge. while i do agree that there is a valid argument for the possibility of sexual chemistry tainting a friendship, i moreover believe there are a lot of people i don't want to sleep with- and on those grounds alone i call 'shenanigans'! the gay community already has to battle the mindset of 'queers are sexual deviants, loose moraled, and fashion forward'. now generally speaking, we are on the pulse of fashion trends. come on now, who else is going to do your hair and style you flawlessly but the gays? but i will firmly argue that we are not the harlots of the world, we don't sleep with everything that walks, and we can maintain friendships with other lesbians.

our hetero-counterparts are no doubt familiar with the "girls and boys can't be friends without sex" argument, so it's not as if i'm breaking ground on the subject, however is it really that crazy to say, 'we can be friends- even though we are packing the same heat down south'. am i really that far out of line to imply that we are not just a bag of impulses? 'but we're animals ashley- when there's chemistry just can't stop'.

prior to coming out, most of my friends were boys and queens. at the time, i felt as if i just got along better with boys and wanted to avoid the undoubted drama ladies bring. however in hindsight, i realize i was just being a latent homosexual, who subsequently was incredibly intimidated by beautiful women. but whatever the case may be, the fact remains- it is possible to NOT have sex with your friends. nothing annoys me more than when people don't own their actions, and blame chemistry for their lack of willpower.

a friend of mine recently cheated on her longtime girlfriend. the excuse that she cited for her indiscretion was, 'the connection was strong [with the other girl], and we both just couldn't help ourselves'. i have been in situations where the tension was high and we both wanted nothing more than to maul each other, but ultimately it wasn't the chemistry that took off our clothes- that was pure old fashioned manpower. why are we giving up our right to choose by saying that something else is driving us and we merely follow where it leads? is it so hard to own your actions, even if they don't put you in the best light?

i am proud to say that i have a lot of lesbian friends, furthermore i have a lot of attractive friends that i would not mind seeing in the nude, but to say that our friendship is marred by sexual tension is ridiculous. to imply that straight girls can only befriend other straight girls, or that gays can't befriend gays is archaic and silly- it's high time we own our impulses and all become friends (sans benefits).

random thought #26

random thought #26

politics, unicorns, and other brilliant thoughts

• eugene delgaudio is a republican representative for loudon county virginia, he is also a gentlemen of which i am not a fan. i try very hard to understand other peoples opinions, but when you are an elected official i feel it's is your obligation to set an example for your constituents. you are most certianly entitled to your opinions just as much as anyone else, but bigotry has no place in the government (or the world in general). when you use your seat of power to further a hatefilled mantra, you are flirting with jim jones status in my book. what's my beef with eugene? well back on january 5th the loudoun county board of supervisors passed an excutive order banning the discrimination of basing the hiring of an individual on ones sexual orientation. eugene did not support the ban, and voted against it (so, it's safe to say he voted in favor of discrimination, just so we are on the same page). after the ban passed, he felt inclined to then email his constituents stating, "if a man dressed as woman wants a job, you have to treat ‘it’ the same as a normal person."
  in what world is 'it' an acceptable term for a person? he went on to call transgendered and transsexuals, "cross-dressing freaks", and "men in dresses" and topped off the politically incorrect email with, "i think that the board did a freaky, bizarre, and fruity thing that day". really, eugene? 'fruity thing' in reference to a ban being passed on discrimination? that's a bit archaic, don't you think?
  the worst part about all of this is that after the email hit the media, not shockingly, there was a public outcry for an apology. an outcry that apparently has fallen on deaf ears. he has not publicly apologized, but when asked about the email he merely rewords what he initially stated. the clarification? “a man dressed as woman wants a job, you have to treat “it” the hiring of this man the same as a normal person a man who wears normal clothing.”
  *rolls eyes* it's hard to accept an apology when it's not an apology at all.


• have you ever had one of those moments when an idea pops into your head and even if for just a moment, you believe that you have just given birth to a brand new idea? that you have thought something that has never been thought of before- that you created something magical and fresh. i had one of those moments the other day, followed very quickly by one of those moments where you realize you are a moron.
  i was thinking about netflix and what other items would be nice to have mailed to your house on the regular. essential items where the first on my list (you know, sustenance), followed by bags of money (whatever, in my head anything is realistic), and i also thought it would be neat if there was some way to have puppies delivered to my house weekly (and then swapped out for a new one the following week) but my BRILLIANT idea was books. thats right, BOOKS, or more specifically a netflix for books!
  i called my mother to run my idea by her- her response? 'its called a library ashley...'
  touche mother...touche indeed.
  BUT I WANT AN ONLINE WISH LIST DAMNIT! step up your game, publicly funded book institutions, my tax dollars demand it.


• the english author, d.h. lawerence, once wrote, "I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." i generally pride myself on not being an animal, and trying to hold myself accountable for all of my actions- however the man has a point. sometimes we need to let go, allow ourselves to live unapologetically, and stop feeling sorry for ourselves.


• the past two weeks have been pretty busy for me with work and moving in with my girlfriend (we have been together for over a year, and financially it makes perfect sense- if i so much as hear a whisper of 'u-haul' i will punch you in the throat. that's a lie, i'll probably just spit a witty one liner at you and remind you that my room is rad.) but with next week comes my normal life, the fun task of placing my trinkets around the room to mark my territory, and most importantly- i will return to my semi-normal posting schedule.


• who says lesbians don't ever wear dresses?! isn't she breathtaking? (and by she i'm clearly referring to the massive cleave my girlfriend decided to let loose) but now that you mention it, my precious lady was the belle of the ball that night! i, on the other hand, looked like a highlighter threw-up on me.don't judge me,we all have our crosses to bear- mine happens to be a love affair with incredibly vibrant and/or vintage fashions, coupled with the twins on my chest that scream in tandem, 'prepubescent'. point being, baby girl looks good.
• blanket memo to all facebook users with furry children: please stop making facebook accounts for your pets. furthermore, as it pertains to posting status updates via your pet's facebook page- that makes people uncomfortable..and by people i mean me. we all know it's you who made the account, and as dogs do not have opposable thumbs i'm going to assume you typed out 'i'm hungry and adorable. i love this new shirt my mommy got me.' maybe i'm being cynical- but shits weird..do what makes you happy, but don't expect me to add his furry fanny.


• everyone assumes unicorn's are sweet, however the more thought i give them the more i believe that unicorns where more than likely mythological jousters..the triceratops of the fabled creatures! with a giant spear on ones head, how could you not utilize it?! animals aren't ones to evolve for fashion's sake, that horn has got to have some use aside from making fantasy loving children everywhere swoon. (when looking for photos to accompany this thought, i typed in the seemingly harmless 'angry unicorn'. FYI- it's not so harmless. don't you just love accidentally stumbling across a horrifically graphic sex term whilst at work?! type 'angry unicorn' into urbandictionary and tell me how you feel..i feel like a lot of ladies will get a good chuckle out of that.)
  

queerFAQtor wednesday

past, present, and future apacowayner
aka: exploit every opportunity to don a raggedy ann wig

we were asked to teach our younger self some life lessons, i took it literally. way to go ash!!

social commentary on social networking

social commentary:
social networking sites

i was merely a cherub faced teen when our relationship began; my face still peppered with pimples, my overall social awkwardness was at an all time high. high school, my friends, is when i first entered the social networking domain. it began innocuously enough, i wanted to gain a greater understanding of basic html code, and early myspace provided a pretty good forum to do just that. after a few swift keystrokes i had my very first social networking page via myspace. it wasn't long until i wanted a facebook account. now way back when, you actually had to be enrolled in college or have a registered college email address in order to obtain a facebook account. i waited patiently until i too, could have my very own facebook account! ahh, those where the days- prior to all of us obsessing about privacy settings, dealing with the awkwardness of a coworker or boss requesting your online friendship, being made to live in fear as every action is now visible on the mini-feed (i curse you, facebook, for deleting the option to NOT post every move i make online..dislike!).

we now live in a society that almost shuns privacy, and facebook has taken on a life of its own. no longer is it just a bookmarked page on college kids browsers, its how you're screened for jobs. it has transformed us all from mere internet users into tech savvy stalkers. it's not shocking that with its popularity, facebook has proved to be a nasty little gossip. the once doe-eyed 'new myspace', has become a bossy juggernaut, who loves to keep you informed on everyones lives. suggesting friends was when you lost me, facebook. i understand the whole premise of a 'social networking site' is to network, but i'm not friends with my exes ex for a reason. sure, we have a handful of mutual friends and call the same network our own but we also slept with the same girl and said girl left me for the ex. point being, get out of my face, facebook! furthermore, stop telling people to be my friends! do you even understand how uncomfortable it is to have a box full of strangers?! (thats what she said, ZING...oh that was too good)

if you have a facebook account, you no doubt have gotten a friendship request from someone you would rather not be friends with online. lest it be for personal information you don't want them to have access to, or you have priorly deleted them and thus with them sending you a request for friendship again makes it painfully clear that they are fully aware that you deleted them and you are a douche, or plain and simple- you aren't friends or don't know them. being far too empathetic, this is the portion of facebook that gives me the greatest deal of anxiety. i don't want to be friends with people on facebook that don't actually utilize it to interact with me. if we knew each other years ago, you request my friendship, then i accept out of guilt, i fully expect there to be some sort of interaction afterwards. a wall post, a photo comment, hell- just 'like' something of mine; if you make no effort to interact i assume that you are just stalking me...of which i'm not a fan.

i realize that i'm terribly neurotic and consequently i get a little uppity about minor details that don't really bother anyone else, i.e. having a large number of facebook friends, facebook constantly changing the privacy settings and me not knowing until my coworker says 'that was a fun conversation you and your friend had today via wall posts regarding breast size', and the amount of my information given to third parties.

what normal people stress about is the pandora's box of drama facebook begats. the very nature of a social site is to involve people in their friends lives by providing them with details. facebook states that it's mission is to "give people the power to share and make the world more open and connected", and indeed it does that. but in the process of making all of our worlds more 'open and connected', we have opened much more than expected.

not too long ago, whlist in the throes of drinking at 4am, a good friend of mine wrote 'gay' on any/everything that came across her mini-feed . it wouldn't have been an issue if she had stopped prior to commenting on peoples parents relationship status', but this girl has sticktoitiveness! hundreds of comments later- she slumbers. with the rise of the sun comes the texts, 'the hell is that "gay" shit all about' 'seriously, my MOM? comon'. needless to say her status the next day was simply 'public apology'. as if drunk texts and calls weren't bad enough, drinkers now fear the never benificial, 'drunk facebooking'.

facebook also has the power to alert you to information that you would much rather not be privy to. i have no problem in admitting that i've been dumped before on facebook. actually, stating 'i have no problem' is a bit much- it is actually incredibly embarrassing, but thus is my life- i might as well own it, right? when i was still out as bi i was dating a boy that my friends called 'arms' (he allegedly had a steriod problem. being a latent lesbian at the time i had no problem with the painfully low sex drive he and i both shared. but i digress-). things had been going fine, or so i thought. with a 'refresh' of my page i learned i had gone from 'in a relationship' to 'single' without even being dumped! after a few moments my dorm phone rang, it was arms calling me to his room upstairs...this would have been an appropriate time for me to be a bitch but i chose the more uncomfortable route for him- being direct. 'haha, you really think im going to walk all the way up those stairs just to get dumped- AGAIN? don't be a silly goose.' after a very pregnant pause he said, 'maybe i should have talked to you first'...yah, ya think!?

now don't think i'm being one sided, i really do love facebook. i might yammer on about it shaping our generation in a major way (not entirely sure if i'm thrilled about that, or absolutly terrified), or that the constant addition of new features is challenging to follow but at the end of the day i feel like we need to not place so much stock in facebook's corner when it comes to the disclosure of information. i, for one, believe that we shouldn't take it so seriously! everyone is beyond bored with facebook drama, myspace being the creepy old man of social networking sites, and twitter raping our world (thank god that's not a mountain i've climbed). the way things are going, it's becoming increasingly more clear that social sites are here to stay and we need to advance along with them. so don't just grow with these sites, evolve with them and realize what they are- websites, that's it. so the next time you feel my mass 'liking' of inappropriate status' is stupid, i will remind you that it is JUST a website (and furthermore, your status was probably lame to begin with).

bare's one year anniversary round two

if at first you don't succeed
wait until the 2 feet of snow melt and try try again

you have got to hand it to the ladies of lure, they've got tenacity. regular readers will remember not too long ago i was excited for the one year anniversary celebration of the ladies night, bare at cobalt. as the day drew nearer, the weather reports became more and more dire- '24 inches to hit the DC area by midday saturday'. as a conspiracy theorist and one that was raised to question everything (authority included) i, of course, disregarded the weather report and using my own technique deduced the storm would miss us. the 'technique' that i used, not even remotely rooted in science, was more or less just a judgment call on my part- influenced heavily on what would be more conducive to my plans- and the storm missing us would have been ideal. but as fate would have it, the snow did come, the event was postponed, and saturday the lesbians shall rise again!
if you are in the dc/b'more area i most definitely suggest you shimmy yourself over to this event. it is bound to be one of the best of the season, if not the year (which is ballsy to say, considering it is january). i will be there alongside most of my friends, so if you are the type who claims that you don't have enough interactions with other lady lovers, saturday night is your night to shine. i promise the ladies will be out in full force, and the drinks will be strong- so come out, and if you see me be sure to say 'hey girl'.

queerFAQtor wednesdays

apacowayner presents:
dating with ease

what's the world coming to?

what's the world coming to?

the cuchini

it's not often that a product is invented and the world simultaneously bursts into fits of applause. we have seen this made-for-tv phenomenon before; the snuggie, shamwow, slap chop, and the hover round- all useless products that through the magic of television i now believe i can't live without. (however, i'm far too broke to actually invest in these products and thus i'm not being hypocritical in my following statements. however to practice full disclosure, i will note that i do own a snuggie- it was given as a gift a few years back from my mother..don't judge me.) there is a new item on the scene, and this time ladies, the target demographic is right inside your pants. that's right, the cleverly titled 'cuchini' is here to solve the problem of camel toe forever. just like the snuggie, you don't pay in monetary funds, but chalk over your dignity and all forms of self respect + shipping and handling and BAM- you got yo'self a cuchini girl.

their website proudly says, "The Cuchini pad is a product used to smooth the ridges of a woman's mons pubis area, providing a sleek and camouflaged appearance. The Cuchini eliminates what is commonly known as "Camel Toe." Simply place "Cuchini Pad" into bikini, lingerie, or sports attire, narrow side facing down, and adjust to personal preference. For a more secure placement two-sided tape is included. It can be used with or without underwear."

ok- i hate to be such a spoilsport, but does anyone else think that double sided tape anywhere near ANYONES genitals is flirting with disaster? and while i'm all about calculated risks, if i did choose to invest in some sort of protective garment for my friend downstairs, why would i use it SANS UNDERWEAR? just imagine a piece of foam in the shape of a bike seat dropping out of your pants, how exactly would one play that off? 'i just like the extra support and padding it gives to me' whatever, camletoer.

could you even imagine being at the meeting where they spit balled names for this classy device? i both can and did! here's my list of alternative names for the cuchuni:

• cunt cup (a bit lewd- i know, but i was going for the alliteration)
• camel cover
• muffin mask
  
• snatch shroud
  
• labia lid
• vag meat holder (i'm certain this was on their list too, it just screams marketability!)
  

featured friends friday

featured friends friday:
miss cfreeze
the single girl's guide to being single

on friday's i've decided to spice it up and try out a new element here on lesbifriends- featured friends friday. my hope is to feature some of the talented friends i have- whether they be painters, photographers, writers, singers, or just incredibly rad folks- i feel that they have something worth sharing.
also, you know how i feel about alliterations, so the opportunity to utilize one WEEKLY was far too much for me to pass up.

stepping in to guest blog this week, i give you my friend, cfreeze. i've known this lovely lesbian for several years and she is one brilliant minded, fiercely independent, jewish gem. i have no doubt in my mind that someday she will be an accomplished lawyer and no- i'm not being stereotypical, she is actually studying law and isn't even a practicing jew.

if you like what she has to say, don't forget to comment and let her know!!

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The Single Girl's Guide to Being Single

All the single lezzies (all the single lezzies) all the single lezzies (all the single lezzies) all the single lezzies (all the single lezzies) all the single lezzies… Now put your hands up!

We’ve been conditioned to think that “all you need is love” and that “my life would suck without you”, and so on and so forth. And yes, while there’s probably nothing better than coming home to a warm, stable relationship, we have to make those in between times count. And we have to be truly ready for those relationships when they come. Am I right? Being single shouldn’t just be the off time between your relationships. I truly believe that if one makes the most of his or her single time, and doesn’t feel the need to rush out of it, subsequent relationships will be more valuable and substantive. I will try to stay away from denigrating those U-Hauling Lezzies, but you get my point.

Everyone is different. My story is that my past few serious relationships have ended because of antsiness, mostly on my end. So clearly what I’m saying comes with the slight bias of someone who admittedly has problems with monogamy and commitment. A lot of people aren’t like that! Take what I say with a grain of salt, that’s all I’m saying.

Reasons I like being single:

1. No one telling me what to eat and how to dress-
Having dated my fair share of vegetarians/vegans/pescetarians/whatevarians, I’m sick of feeling guilty about how I eat. Yes, I know that eating meat supports a horrible industry (let’s not even get into it right now). And uh huh, I’ve heard that eating locally saves a lot of energy and helps the environment. And in our own little ways we should all make personal decisions as responsible citizens. But when I’m being told how horrible I am every time I eat eggs or go to McDonalds, you are bringing me down. Let me enjoy my meat in peace.

2. No one telling me to clean my room-
I had a girlfriend who would tell me she wasn’t coming over unless I cleaned my room (her place was like this immaculate, Buddhism-influence boudoir). I would lie and tell her I cleaned my room when I didn’t. She’d get there and tell me I didn’t care about her feelings. Sorry, I’m not going to practice feng-shui, this is a dorm room.

3. Being able to sit by myself for hours at a time-
What do you think I’m doing right now? Having some ALONE time. Loving it! I love to watch movies, read books, mindlessly surf the internet, and more! I personally know when I try to coordinate my Netflix account with a relationship, those babies never get sent back. It is a bit cliché, but they say you can’t successfully be in a relationship until you love yourself. Do you love yourself? Do you feel strong on your own? I don’t think I always did, but I do now.
I have more time for myself, and for my friends. There’s nothing worse than that lame feeling when you have to leave your friends even though you don’t want to. I like dictating my own schedule, and not being on anyone else’s time. Of course, there is the worry that I could be dead for a few days before anyone realized I was missing. But, um, I won’t worry about that right now.

4. Slaying the ladies-
This one goes without saying ;). There is something to being seasoned. I enjoy having multiple partners because I truly appreciate everyone differently, and I like having new experiences all the time. If I think a girl is cute, fun, and smart I will probably want to kiss her. But imagine how many people fit that bill. Why settle for an expensive entrée when I can partake in the less expensive buffet option? Oh snap!
I am promoting a kind of moralistic promiscuity, we can call it “Encyclopedia Slut”. Gotta get A-Z, ya know? But all for the sake of knowledge and experience. There are some ground rules to Encyclopedic Sluttiness:
-be nice, be honest
-don’t shit where you eat
-don’t double book
-don’t double dip
Basically all these rules add up to respect and true appreciation for your partners, and also not giving them the wrong idea of your intentions. Don’t be a monster in anyone’s bed, alright? HAVE FUN AND PRACTICE SAFE SEX (we all saw those finger condoms, Ashbash. Word.).

5. Avoiding awkward dinners with her parents who are simply picturing you eating their daughter’s cooch-
Correct me if I’m wrong, but since we are young (for the most part) we have a lot of contact with our families. I am in college so when I’m on break I am in my childhood home. This means that my parents have more access to my partners than I’d probably like if I was thirty. Hell, my parents have met people I’ve had one-night stands with (well where the hell else were we supposed to go?). It’s all so very awkward. However, the less close we are, the fewer awkward encounters we have to have with each others moms, dads, and dogs.

There’s no reason to rush it ladies! I’ve noticed a lot of people rushing into relationships, and hell, I’m probably guilty of that too. But life as a single can be FUN, and if we don’t really take it for all its worth, our relationships might suffer as well. Brush up on some cultural bull you’ve been missing out on (go to a museum or something, rent some old movies) and date around! Meet lots of people! At the end of it, or at least I, will have a better idea of what I’m looking for in the first place. Dating is really a trial and error game, so play the numbers! And don’t forget to slay the ladies ;)

Signing out,
CFreeze
------------------

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run baby, run

post from a previous time:
run baby, run
---originally journaled back in december 2008---

there's this strange negative connotation put upon those who 'run away'. i suppose its because we regard those who run away as cowardly, or neglectful. i.e. a deadbeat parent, or a lost child. when you hear of someone running away, we often forget to ask 'what where they running from?'
are they-
running from pain..
running from whats wrong..
running from the past..
running from yourself..
really, does it matter?
i for one say, run baby.

sometimes its good to run; sometimes we need to run; if for nothing else, just to feel free.

i recently did just that- i ran away. in fact, im still running..everyday i tell myself not to look back- or, if that's not possible, at least don't stop running. it's been the single most terrifying and liberating experience ever. everyday i ask myself 'i am i making the biggest mistake by running, or would not running be the mistake?'
i found liberation in answering that question with 'i don't know- i have no fucking idea..and im ok with that.'

i'm finally at a point in my life where i'm not terrified of making mistakes. don't get me wrong, i do all i can to make the right choices- not lead myself into temptation, deliver myself from evil, all that shit..but im finally ok with saying 'i don't know whats best for me', mostly because i know that my fate will be ok either way. i can make the right choice, and all is well. or i can make the wrong choice, and learn from it. in my eyes- that's a WIN-WIN. i've learned the most powerful lessons during my most painful experiences. and while in the moment, its hard to see the bigger picture- i know that regardless of whether i make the 'right' or 'wrong' choices, ill be a stronger person in the end.

i hate the words 'right' and 'wrong'.
they are so subjective.
same as 'morality' and 'values'.
same as 'hot' and 'cold'-
i am a strong supporter of facing your problems, and addressing what it is that is troubling you, but sometimes- you need to cut and run.

for me personally, this was the first time i really utilized this power.
normally i want to work things out.
but it just got out of control.
well, ok- honestly, the situation wasn't that out of control..but i was.
i was headed back to a dark place-
a place that i've been too many times before, but this time, it was not warranted.

i had no reason to be so torn, so conflicted.
i had no reason to have so much guilt, feel such pain.
i had all the power.

i have all the power.
the power to run- or not.
the power to choose- or not.
the power to chase- or not.
the power to sit still.

god. don't you hate when you have an epiphanal moment and you just want to kick the younger you for not realizing it sooner?! i mean, what would life be- if not a series of terrible choices that we subsequently learn from- but damn. had i known in high school how powerful the individual is, i would have felt so much more confident. had i known that the individual was me, the individual who was capable of making a choice...i would have been unstoppable.

now, here i am.
a runaway train..rolling down the tracks, with no clear notion of where exactly im headed.
i don't have a plan for the first time ever.

im lost and found.
all at once.
life is beautiful...

queerFAQtor wednesdays

apacowayner rambles: welcome to 2010
when the topics lack a direction, so do i

all i ask is that you listen to the intro, after that- i can't really blame you for tuning out. happy humpday to all.

random thought #25

random thought #25
because my line of thinking wasn't erratic enough

• so you want to know a sad, sobering truth? no one writes letters any more. i suppose if you dont enjoy writing, this would be less of an issue for you- but as i very much appreciate the power of the written word this is a devastating revelation for me. dont get me wrong, there are still pockets of people who hand write a letter, put postage on it, and place it lovingly in the mailbox (my best friend, jill hannes, being one of them). but it would seem an overwhelming portion of people consider 'tweeting', 'texting', and 'facebook chat' the way to go when it comes to communication.
  
  its not shocking that i have a problem with this. i still see writing as having the capability of be one of the most beautiful and emotive art forms. did people stop painting because it was more effective and easier to just use the computer? no way! there is a depth and a realness that cant be captured via a few mouse clicks. so if we can accept that, why is it so hard to say, 'i know that its a bit archaic, but everyone likes receiving mail- especially something with a personalized, warm, wordy, center.'
  as we are in a new year, and we are almost forced to swallow 'its the time of change' pill, i've decided to write more letters. im going to set up a PO box this week, in hopes that someday i have a few penpals..worst case scenario- i start mailing shit to myself to make a point.
  the last pen pal i had was in second grade. she was in germany and kept sending me 'candy' that my mother would always confiscate, as she said it was 'poison' because it traveled over international waters. (if nothing else, you have got to admire the commitment she has to her irrational fears) i found out later it was a kinder egg, and now i harbor resentment towards my mother for keeping these delicious treats away from baby ashley.


• my friend kate, from lezzismore, writes her own music. we were skyping the other day and she mentioned a song she had been working on called, 'personal ad'. she played a bit for me and i said, 'the moment you upload that, i want to repost it- thats hilarious!'
  
  well- she posted it, and now i'm living up to my end of the bargain. (don't forget to check out lezzismore, and queerfaqtor, if you are into gay saturated vlogging)
  
  


• while lurking around on the internet i stumbled across an item called 'finger cots'. i was at work so of course my first move was to call my girlfriend- 'guess what i found online!' it's as if i could almost hear her roll her eyes. you see, i am notorious for believing tv infomercials or at least wanting to believe that i can buff all of my hair away using a mitt that looks like it was jacked from kid who was playing catch with velcro paddles. it's not that i'm gullible, because trust me- i don't spend a dime on the crap, it's that im impressed with their undying chants of 'YOU NEED THIS', it's simply incredible to me that it doesn't take much to convince people they need more junk...
  
  but i digress- finger cots, while i'm sure have a valid purpose in this great big world, might as well be called finger condoms. sure, their 'intended usage' is for something small and mechanical- but look at these things! don't you think if they put a little bit of money into aiming for the lesbian market, they may catch a few fish? i'm not sure how offended i'd be if someone felt compelled to slip one of these on prior to a romantic encounter with yours truly, but i do know i'd admire their dedication to cleanliness!
  i mentioned finger cots to my friends and most of them told me i was being perverse, but some were open minded enough to see the lesbian trend of the future: FINGER CONDOMS!
  
  
• sometimes i feel like i live in pee-wee's playhouse. it's not uncommon for me to become hyper attached to a word for a limited period of time (say, an episode), and then every time the word is mentioned streamers come down from the ceiling and everyone screams (in my head).
  the word this week has been fisticuffs. now, this isn't a word that just dances its way effortlessly in and out of your mouth- you really have to commit and do your homework on this one and not because its hard to understand. fisticuffs is another term for fist fight, and its a plural noun. that's all you need to know to use it, but to use it without sounding like you are 80? therein lies the challenge my friends!!
  i've tried, and failed, several times to pepper this into my vocabulary unnoticed...yah, im working on it.
  
  
• i'm not a woman of violence, but i really want nothing more than to punch every lesbian in the throat who says, 'i hate lesbians, they are so dramatic, i'm going to hang out with straight people instead'. i hate to break the news to you guys, but straight people are just as fucked up as we are.
  

passion vs purpose

passion vs purpose
what's driving you?

over the holidays i went to visit my girlfriend and her family down in southern virginia. the ride isn't terribly long- just long enough for one to clear their head, and delve deep into thought. i'm sure no one has ever thought of the pt cruiser as a vessel of enlightenment, but while i cruised down the highway i could not stop posing reflective questions to myself. what am i doing here? are my goals selfish or self-sacrificing? how should i go about changing myself to both better myself and be a better friend to those i'm close with? what is my purpose? what is my passion? can they be the same? needless to say, it was a long, and lonely car ride.

the line of thought that has been forever a riddle to me is that of 'passion vs purpose'. what is the difference between the two? passion is defined as a strong emotion or feeling; to me it's something you have fire for; something, that if left unfed, will eat at your core. to have passion for something is to have a fever for it- and no, the prescription isn't more cowbell. passions come in countless forms and are all around us- from that crazy homeless guy who likes to dance at the metro, to the girl that cannot stop capturing the world with her lens. to have a passion is not uncommon- often people have several, and yet some lack just one. there are many who have yet to find what they are passionate about. i know i feel awakened constantly to new things, and people, and passions. but purpose is entirely different.

to have purpose, is to have meaning- to have substance- to stand for something. your moves are all motivated by one ultimate force- to do whatever it is, and be a better person. i dont know what my purpose is in life yet, and it kills me. being blissfully unaware that i even needed purpose was a lovely little mindset that i enjoyed living in, quite frankly. i now firmly believe that i very much need to find out what that purpose is- im sure with more time my 'now, now, now' mentality will slow to a 'tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow' mindset...but jeeze, can't enlightenment just arrive on my doorstep- wrapped in the comics- with a balloon on the top? does purpose come with life experience, or vice-versa? must we all go through life making mistakes and learning from them in order to find our path?

a purpose is the road on which we drive in life. passion- is the fire, the fuel, the car that goes. a car with an endlessly full tank on an empty road can drive for a long while. passion vs purpose is something that remains a riddle to me. i want them both to be defined explicitly in front of me. i'd much rather that then to actually go out there and find out for myself! haha, who am i kidding? life wouldn't be fun at all if there was some tangible script, or reference guide. life wouldn't be so rich, and colorful if it weren't for both the ups and downs- the mysteries and the lessons learned.

but what i do know for certain is that passion + purpose, could just be that unstoppable force that we all need in order to accomplish anything. i might not know both sides of the equation, but the outcome could be great.