split shift

split
shift

the past two weeks ive been covering for a coworker, and thus have been working the split shift. and while i try my hardest not to be a complaining cathy- this shift does nothing but turn me into a sourpuss and somehow has the uncanny ability to give me my period (or at least the pain of it) regardless of whether or not my uterine lining is ready to shed. without fail when my coworker is out, my body reacts accordingly and recoils in pain- cramps ensue! needless to say, it puts me in a fabulous mood- then adding to the misery is the fact that the shifts i work are 445am-9a and 245p-7p..and because i work over 25 miles from my work, thats over 100 miles im driving in one day alone.

so let me just get this last ounce of complaining out of my system..
~ im full of snot, my body aches, and i feel feverish.
~ i wake up at 315am for work, as an insomniac who is normally shutting her eyes around 4am- this schedule is brutal, and generally means i am getting no sleep.
~ my ovaries are playing tricks on my mind- fucking fertile ass organs.
~ i found out that our union helped us out by instituting 10 company furlough days, and docking an entire paycheck. (thrilled this announcement comes just after we get solid numbers on the economy 'turning around', also after we have already had 2 pay cuts this year)
~ i have a hangnail but with skin on my thumb. whats that, a hangskin? i just think balls with that term- were you thinking that too? no? meh..now you are. hangskin. haha
~ while im sure i have a simple touch of a cold, my first thought this week was 'sweet! ive got swine'...nothing is trendier than designer illnesses, and one with the threat of death- well thats just edgy as hell now isnt it!?

alright- now that those negative thoughts are out of me, forgive me for slacking on my posts this week. now aside from the aforementioned reasons, i also moved this weekend- no, not that move but the 'another paycut? for real? mom and dad werent SO hard to live with i suppose, and its only a few months' move.
oh i swallowed a big ol' pill called pride this weekend, and washed it down with a shit ton of delicious leftovers made with love by my mother.
ill take their overbearing ways in exchange for a homemade batch of chicken broccoli cheese anyday!

i feel incredibly scattered on this shift, but with the amount of snot thats free floating around my brain i suppose thats not shocking.

im going to do a power hour with nyquil- coma here i come!

cure for lesbianism: heels!

lesbians
its time to 'get heeled'

a few months ago i stumbled across a website that had my jaw on the floor. now we have all seen the websites that are set up solely to bash gays, what we stand for, and those who support us. furthermore, we all are aware that there are still a lot of narrow-minded folks out there who have issue with who we are fundamentally- but a reality show that bashes gays?
you have GOT to be shitting me.

now before you don your best 'i am lesbian, hear me roar' political activism t-shirt, let me stress that i could not verify the validity of the show. i found it mentioned on two websites, both of which seemed a bit suspect at best- but personally, valid or not, this show is horribly offensive and is worth taking note of.

butch lesbians everywhere, i come bearing great news!! you can be HEELED! yes, you have been afflicted for much too long with the lesbian curse (im sure you are also practicing witchcraft and trying to convert unsuspecting young ladies into the heathenish world that is homosexuality) its time now to 'be a girl again'! it must be rough dressing like a boy all the time, you are most likely ostracized, and probably hate yourself. thankfully this new reality show is here to save you- its here to make you not only a pretty girl, but a pretty straight one!
jesus christ- typing that nearly made me vomit on myself.

be that as it may- thats the premise of a new show entitled, 'i want to be a girl again: get heeled'.
the title alone brings me to my first issue with the program. really? get 'heeled'? how stereotypically witty of you! the makers of this shows miraculously managed to offend both femmes and butches with that one. the femmes are offended as not all girly dykes wear heels, fuck- not even all straight women wear heels, a shoe type in no way denotes your gender. the butchies were obviously offended as the whole point behind the show is to not only force these women into a society manufactured box, but also to 'convert' them to heterosexuality. its pretty depressing to know that people like this still exsist- people who honestly believe that homosexuality can be 'cured'.

on the casting calls website, the show quoted a nameless person: 'i know a young girl who was living as what is considered a butch lesbian. frustrated with feelings of isolation and regret, she shared with me that she no longer wanted to live as a lesbian, but she didn't know how to transition.....back to a girl again. "

now, perhaps im a bit hasty in my leap to 'incredibly offended'- trying to play devils advocate i will say that life isnt easy being gay. im sure that many girls have felt isolated, and may even question their sexuality as a whole. butch or femme, we all have gotten shit for who we are. but the fact remains, 'i want to be a girl again' is just too fucked up for me.

when i came out, it wasnt easy. i think its rare to find a coming-out story that is without struggle. i know for years i battled with the thought, 'but i dont look gay'. i certainly heard that enough, but then i realized id rather look how i want, and be who i want versus living a lie. but what got me to that point was not self-actualization, or a big epiphanal moment. no, it was simply being surrounded by supportive people; people who knew i wasnt insane, or immoral, or flawed. people who honestly wanted the best for me, regardless of what that outcome was.

the makers of this show clearly have an agenda to push- ridding the world of those pesky butch girls.
i know it seems obvious to ask, but why?
why make a show to change people fundamentally??
because they are gay? so what. you wont get infected.
because their look is offensive to you? i think your new cardigan set from talbots is atrocious but your lack of taste is not an issue that is worth me addressing. do you babygirl.
because 'they want help'? if you really wanted to help someone, perhaps giving them the proper support and guidance would be a good move.

if i ever see this show, or i hear more of it moving forward in production- you bet your dykey strap on my gay ass will be supporting my butch sisters. you mess with one, you mess with us all. lesbians are not to be fucked with, we have both brute strength and the political awareness to GET SHIT DONE.

finally, whoever you are- whatever you look like- dont let ignorant people get you down. its not worth your energy being nasty back towards them, because at the end of the day they will still be a rude, ignorant, hateful person...
and you are fucking their hot daughter.
lesbians ftw.

http://www.getheeled.blogspot.com/
http://www.iwannabeagirlagain.com/

post from a previous time

posts from
a previous time

i was going through some of my old writings the other day, and found a piece that really struck me. i wrote it earlier this year when i was going through a rough patch, in fact i did a lot of writing during what seemed like an extended period of shitty situations. i know some friends right now are dealing with tough times and i thought maybe my words from the past could give some others a bit of clarity as well:

"Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music."
-Angela Monet

everyone as of late has been giving me their advice. not completely unwarranted i must say- but some has been completely unsolicited.

and with all this flurry of words, this storm of ideas, this tidal wave of beliefs- ive come to the conclusion that while everyone has an opinion, none of them really matter. sure its always reassuring to have everyones support, but sometimes you have to go it alone. ask yourself for advice- youd be surprised at how smart you are.

oscar wilde once said, “Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.”

when i read that, its as if a wall in front of me turned into a doorway. *BOOM* just like that.
im not a complete lemming. i certainly am an individual in many respects- but when it comes to peoples emotions i am a pushover.

i will walk out of the house in a lime green hat, yellow pants, bright blue shirt, chucks, and weird wack jewelry and not think twice- but you tell me that something i am doing is hurting you and i will do everything in my power to fix that.

unfortunately, as of late i realized that pain is a necessary part of life. and as much as i try to control other peoples emotions by my adjusting my actions accordingly- im never going to lead the life in my head, where i never wrong anyone and everyone is happy.

people are bound to disagree, people are bound to change- thats the beauty in life. when it hurts so bad, why does it feel so good? (oo sing it lauryn hill) because when you are up it feels like you are on top of the world and nothing will bring you down, and when you are down it feels like the deepest darkest loneliest pit of despair.

the beauty lies in the fact that you know sometimes your up, sometimes your down, but remain true to yourself and beauty will surround you always.
its my life. you cannot fault me for living it my way.

we all only get one go at it- so why would i spend any time at all being held back, or being forced into a box that i cannot realistically live in if i want to achieve my dreams. im sorry if any of my actions hurt you. know that i am human, and i will make mistakes- i will make poor choices- but in the end our choices are all we have.
i made a choice, well several really, and some of them hurt people. but they were MY CHOICES. no one forced me to make them.
those people i have hurt know who i am, and know that inflicting pain on another would have never been my intention- but facts are facts. be it my intention or not ive hurt good people. and im sorry for that.

but i will from this day forth im going to unapologetically live my life.
there is no need to wallow in uncertainty.
im going to make the most of this life- and try to lead a life i can be proud of. sometimes that means putting my happiness over others.

ultimately we all need to lookout for #1, b/c in this life sometimes all you have is yourself.

random thought #15

random

thoughts

• i came to the realization not too long ago that no one but a homo should be touching my hair. ive been relatively faithful to my current hairstylist, ive only had momentary trysts with other scissor snappers but i always come back to him. i trust him professionally with my hair, but lesbianally he blows.
  he doesnt understand that razor sheers are all he should really need for me (if he were to open his doors to more lesbians, perhaps investing in a buzzer would be helpful- knowing how much lesbians love buzz cuts and steps in their hair as of late) he just doesnt get me.
  i know if he were a lady queer, he would know exactly what i mean when i say, i want my hair to say 'i flirt with hipsterdom while munching on vag.' i want simplistically edgy lesbian. apparently im speaking japanese
  so it would seem that my problem is easily solved by going to any number of gays i know in the hair industry, but i want someone who speaks my language.
  i just want a hot dyke i trust, choppin at my locks.
  
  
• my boobs as of late have been playing a game with me. they think its adorable to get my hopes up thinking that they are finally- at 22- going through puberty. but alas- its always just a ruse done by my ladies to remind me that my uterine lining wants to shed.
  
  
• recently i saw a friends boobs. normally i would have no problem with this, but shes one of those friends who really is just that and nothing more...but after seeing her nip nops in all of their glory, even when shes fully clothed i see her naked.
  come to think of it- every chick ive seen naked once or twice has that image burned into my mind. so you think im being adorable, paying attention to what you are saying, and giving you great advice- when in reality you are naked as hell in my head.
  
  
• i learned that some lesbians feel so comfortable around other women, they feel its both appropriate and interesting to talk about their periods at the club.
  i disagree.
  i will talk about my shit until you vomit, but you talk about your period (or a yeast infection) and mentally im taking a trip to mars.
  but on the bright side, i learned the flow intensity and duration of an unknown lesbian who was egar to bost about it.
  
  
• i was hovering over the public toilet seat at work 3 days ago and lost my balance.
  in the process my vagina-meat full on TOUCHED the toilet seat. this terrified me, and it has taken until today for me to not to be convinced that i caught AIDs or any number of communicable diseases.
  
  
• phasefest kickoff dance party is tonight, and lets be real- its wednesday, what else do you have going on?
  that was a bit harsh, as im not one to talk- i work most of the time, including nights, so this will be an event i miss out on.
  dont forget that phasefest 2009 is this week! go and be a big ol dyke and get your gay on at any of the events going on throughout the week. check out my previous blog on phasefest.

to brighten your day

just a lil story
to give you a lil smile

through my facebook stalking, i have come to the conclusion that today my friends need a little pick me up. everyone is downtrodden about being sick (then, in an attempt to be both witty and topical, they will make a joke about how they have the swine flu or h1n1. which, just to clarify, isnt funny at all- sarcasm doesnt convey well via your status updates, and subsequently you will be seeing a LOT less of your good buddy ashley- b/c this bitch doesnt take chances with the flu) some friends have recently suffered a heartbreak, and others still are just being nasty (aka miss thing is about to be raggin it).
so of course, i see it as my duty to drop a deuce of happiness into their laps.

my girlfriend and i were at cobalt's lure sponsored ladies night this weekend and a girl approached me. she did the sly saunter over my way- you know, when someone slowly meanders your way and acts as if some random forces just pulled you together (meanwhile, back in reality- said person in all actuality has been eyeing you all night, and just NOW got up enough courage (read: drunk) to say hi.)

so this beautiful, tall young woman walks up to me and tries to strike up a conversation. my girlfriend was close behind me and thus i felt no harm in making a new friend. contrary to popular belief, you can be friends with someone with whom you know sex is not an option. some recoil around those in relationships saying 'we cant just be friends'...fuck that noise- own your actions, not cheating is not hard, dont be hatin on my shit.

but i digress- we chit-chat, and the typical 'first bar/club' conversation ensues. how are you; are you having a good time; what are you drinking; do you live in the area...you know the drill. although this girl wasnt playing nice at all. see conversations work best when they bounce back and forth between both parties- girlfriend missed that memo. i would ask a question, she would answer- no, no thats it. you arent waiting for more to accompany that sentence, it just would stop. then start. then stop. kind of like when i try and drive stick shift and cant even get the car turned on.

the conversation somehow managed to go on for about 5 mins, it was at this point that my girlfriend noticed the girl i was talking to and she introduced herself. (of course this was only AFTER putting her arms around my waist and holding me tight. now before you roll your eyes and say aww please remember, shes only doing as she is programmed- lesbians with girlfriends ALWAYS piss on their territory when other females are around) turns out, my girlfriend knew the girl. i couldnt help but laugh because shocker you find two random lesbians in a city- by law they are GOING TO KNOW each other somehow.

so, what made this seemingly mundane encounter one that i felt the need to blog about?
BITCH WAS CAUGHT IN A LIE and it was amazing.
normally, you will find i dont enjoy others in pain. im terribly empathetic and am constantly 'putting myself in others shoes', but this is one of those few times i had to sit back and watch the train wreck.

during the conversation the girl mentioned that she knew sign language, this peaked my interest as i took ASL for 4 years back in high school.
*enter my girlfriend*
'oh you know sign language?' the girl nods in the affirmative.
'but you arent deaf, right?' girl giggles, then says 'no'.
my girlfriend is glorious for an infinite amount of reasons, but she really rose to the occasion in this situation. some people fear confrontation, and because of that, generally dont call people out when they are feeding you bullshit- not my girl, she keeps it real.
'ah, because the last time i met you- you told me you were'

WHAT?! jackpot. all downhill from here.
the girl tries first to deny that she would ever pretend to be handicapped.
she could tell we werent buying it, as i began laughing hysterically.
danielle then began to recount the story as it actually occurred. apparently this girl had talked to a friend of hers, and being a good lesbian team player- she scoped the girl out and tried to engage in some light banter in hopes of giving her friend more information.
the girl ignored my lady, then signed that she was deaf, and refused to talk to danielle AND the friend that she was trying to holler at.

moral of the story- dont say you are handicap when you arent, for someday when you least expect it the chick you blew off will find out and she will either be horrified and embarrassed that you felt the need to lie (by saying you are handicap, no less) to get out of talking with her, or she will chuckle a bit thinking, sucks to be you right now.

to those of you having a shitty day- hang in there, things will get better; one of my favorite quotes, 'theres a crack in everything- thats how the light gets in' always brings me comfort.
to those of you who were recently dumped- i know you are hearing a lot of 'aw, fuck your ex' but i know deep down you just want to hear when the hurting will stop. i cant tell you that, but ill hold your little hand while you cry.

post dinosaurs

post dinosaurs
life will never be the same

well i have some great news!
i did not get arrested on my trip to 'walking with dinosaurs'. which was shocking, considering my girlfriend and i, and one adult couple (who swapped their dignity out with matching dinosaur hats..and of course i was jealous of them for it) were the only adults their not accompanied by children.
perhaps i underestimated the appeal of dinosaurs with children,
perhaps i was a bit overzealous in my belief that other dino-enthusiasts would come out in droves, but most of all i was crazy to think i was going to be able to keep cool throughout the show.

we arrive a little bit after the show is first started, which ended up being a huge blessing as i think children can be fun- but hoards of them, in a large venue, with minimal parental supervision may in fact be a nightmare for me. im not a huge fan of large crowds that are tightly packed, and large short crowds that are hopped up on caffeine is a panic attack waiting to happen..no to mention its flu season.

we shimmy into our seats, which were absolutely perfect. we were in the center of the action, and we were bookended by two adults- sure they had children, but they were a seat or two away from me and thus out of my reach.

now i didnt get arrested for assaulting a child in a fit of joy, but- agh, this is humbling to admit, but i did cry. no biggie.
haha, yah, i dont even think i can let that slide. who the fuck cries at a dinosaur show ashley?! well now in my defense it was a spectacular show, i was moved by the magnitude of the dinosaurs that they had recreated. the information presented in the show was accurate and entertaining to me- even if it was geared towards eight year olds.
now, the tears- while regrettable, dare i say pathetic- were valid.

i was beyond excited for this show, i dont think anyone would argue that. i think most of my friends felt as if i didnt see the show they would consider a swift cuntpunch to shut me up. no one was more privy to my excitement than my girlfriend. she put in some serious 'you are going to owe me for this later' time this weekend. you see, before the show i forced danielle and my sister to go to my favorite thrift store to browse around. my girlfriend loves many things, but i dont think thrifting is something that ranks high to her. my sister and i have a system- it involves essentially looking at everything- which can take a long time. i digress, we walk in and as if sent down from heaven- what should be staring at me?? a dinosaur costume?! you mean the one ive been dreaming of?! and its only $4.50!?! PINCH ME!


so this weekend was most defiantly a fruitful one.
not only did i SEE dinosaurs, but now i can be one.
dream big people.

dinosaur eve

dinosaurs
ALIVE!

dear faithful blog readers;

brevity is key with this post, as i fear it could be my last.
you see, tomorrow i may be arrested, jailed, and were we still under bush policies- perhaps locked up in guantanamo.

a dream is coming true for me shortly- im going to 'walking with dinosaurs' saturday evening. now i understand that it sounds pretty lawful. it would seem as if i couldnt get into a great deal of trouble there unless i tried. so whats to fear ashbash?

i am riddled with worry because i found out just recently that the shows intended audience is 8 years old and up. now im ok with children, i have no issue being cordial with them- hell i was a sports camp counselor for years but i also know im excitable.

i know myself, and i know how passionate i am about a select few things- dinosaurs being paramount. i also know that i am not afraid to admit, i shed a few tears of joy upon hearing the news that my mother had surprised my girlfriend and i with tickets to the show...and not only tickets, but good tickets. i scouted out my seats online, and shits bangin. im not sure when my dinosaur love evolved, but ive always been fascinated by those giant fellas. i mean, think about it- creatures that ruled this planet over 200 million years ago are selling out arenas with their likenesses in 2009. that is insane. and theres a bit of compassion one feels for an animal whos name means 'terrible lizard'.

so- back on track, me + children + lifesize dinosaur recreations = possible jailtime. i know what happens when i get really excited. i tend to get a little enthused, agh ok- thats putting it lightly. im terrified im going to punch a child in the face in order to get closer to a brontosaurus. im scared shittless i might elbow an 11 year old if he tries to get the dino memorabilia i want. im nervous i might just toss a baby into the belly of a tyrannosaurus-rex were he to be hungry. its shameful to admit that i may in fact, loose my shit at this show. i cannot wait!!

i think the more depressing part, is that ive been to concerts and shows before and nothing has gotten me as excited as this. admittedly when i saw muse for the first time, it was as if i had seen the face of baby jesus himself, but i wasnt worried about stomping a kid. i was fearful i would be stomped when i went to a killswitch engage + dragonforce concert- but that shit was on me because i wore a paisley shirt, and amidst the sea of black band thrift-store-tees i didnt stand a chance.

so, my mission tomorrow night:

• do not urinate or defecate on yourself
• do not touch any children, in any way- any sort of contact while dinos are present could result in the ol' get the fuck outta my way shove to the side
• do have the time of your life
• do not cry (i feel the need to stress this, as im almost positive i will cry)

so long my lady loves, i wish you a tremendous weekend, and i shall let you know how my trip back in time goes.

warmest regards,
ashley

its just a number

high or low
whats your number?

it should come as a shock to no one that lesbians like to get it on- alot.
why? well, if you have ever seen a woman naked (yourself included, you sexy little minx) you have all the answer i really need to give. if thats not enough for you, remember- we CANNOT get pregnant by accident. such the anomaly, us lesbians.
we are the only women who, on paper, are fertial as rabbits, and yet- no spawn is unintentionally crawling out of our snatchboxes! its as if we were born and bred to get it on.
so- we have that in our corner.

now ill play a little devils advocate and admit, that like our hetero counterparts, lesbians dont all just fit one mold. i suppose its only fair to mention that while a great deal have overactive sex drives, that more still- do NOT. and then there is a handful that have had it up to HERE with women and are now asexual.
((fyi)) if you hear a lesbian say, 'fuck it, im asexual' it means one of two things: (1) some charming young woman has broken her heart/she is finding it difficult to locate a ladylove, (2) she is in fact, asexual.

but regardless of your libido, there is always the question of 'whats your number' gay or straight?
ive always been shy about my number- not because ive slayed thousands of ladies, but quite the contrary, and furthermore i just dont think its anyones business how many people ive been with. unless you are my gyno, best friend, or lover- it is not necessary for you to be privy to that information.

this topic came up during a game of kings once- i was called out by number. surrounded by a circle of friends, i began to defend my low numbered sisters. questions began to flow:

but if you havent slept with a lot of people, how do you know what you are doing?
if doesnt matter if you ride one bike or 45 all your life, you still know how to ride- you still knows what feels good. furthermore, i dont think its a stretch to note that mounting a handful of bikes in ones lifetime, can still be as gratifying (if not more so) than trying them all.

people learn from their partners, if you have a smaller pool to draw from- wouldnt that imply you know less?
well, first and foremost let me direct you to this fabulous invention called the internet. it has an incredible amount of porn for anyone to draw on- even you! i dont care if you have slayed all of the girls on campus, or have slept with one for the past four years- there is a porn out there that will teach you something new. you may not enjoy it at all (read: some people have bizarre fetishes) but you WILL learn something.
and beyond that- let us not forget the old addage- quality over quantity, my ladies.

i know what this boils down to isnt slut vs prude, its a basic matter of preference.
i understand where one would find a life of new adventures and new women insanely attractive. to just walk into a bar, and leave with a new girl- wow, thats some skill.
some skill i dont have mind you.
but lets say for arguments sake, i did have the gift of game. lets assume i havent high fived someone after sex, lets assume im smooth. even if all of those things were true, i still wouldnt have it in me to sashay my way over to a new friend, buy her a drink, then tell her 'hop in my cruiser baby, the ride with me lasts all night'
this shit would never occur for a bucket full of reasons, first being that pickup line is ri-goddamned-diculous.

if a girl did want to get into my pt cruiser willingly- thats a shock. have you seen my minihurse?? i love my car more than i should, but im also realistic enough to know that most people regard my car as a lame one...the benefits of a lame car? even cops think im lame as hell, and let a sister roll on by- ill live with that trade-off.

and even if i got the girl in my car, she would be horrified to find that i really am in love with dinosaurs. my car has no less than 3 dinosaur figurines in him at a time, i could not explain to you as to WHY i need them all around me, but i have long lonely rides to work- DONT JUDGE ME!

finally, i often refer to my car in a personified way (walter). ive always had these relationships with my cars. and while most who get to know me find that endearing, i fear a stranger would feel more oh my fucking lord this chick is ape shit, and fuck im locked in her spacious yet not at all luxurious vehicle..oh god- shes playing indie acoustic music- is she trying to set the mood? what is the deal with all of her nicely organized shit? sweet baby jesus- hand sanitizer, 48 pens, 2 pads of paper, a toothbrush, wtf a FORK!? this crazy is prepared! fucking child saftey lock. thankfully she looks scrappy so i think i could take her if i needed to escape.

i just cant do the nameless, faceless type of thing. it goes without saying the chief reason for this is i am in a committed relationship, and thats a bond i have and would never break (i would be stupid to, i have my dream girl, and on her chest are my dream titties). but all of that aside, there is something to be said for the warmth of a partner you have been with several times over- you begin to learn eachothers bodies and rhythms- you cater the act to their needs.
i cant exactly speak on behalf of the opposing view- although i can see its perks (did anyone instantly think nipple? no? just me? fair enough.)

again- its all about preference. i prefer to know who im sleeping with. i know- its crazy, its irrational, its different- but i like to remember those im with, too. i think back on the people i have been with, and each one was incredibly special to me..even if it only happened one time. i dont regret any of them or any thing that we shared- and i never will.

but what irritates me like no other is when people think that their opinion or life choice is boss. ((im really trying to make "boss" come back- bear with me until its popularity skyrockets again)) you might have sex with a lot more girls than me, but we are still both beautiful ladies- so why the anger?
its established- i dont like getting naked with strangers. im not in any way saying that munching mad ladies is wrong, its just not what i do. i DO think its wrong when people call those girls sluts. slut is an awful term to throw around, and frankly it makes you look ugly hating on people. have i ever used the word- most certainly. but i think that intent is very powerful when placed behind words. just as when a homosexual sees another homosexual and a sexual slur is blurted out (fag, gay, homo, flamer..) its not offensive, as long as no ill intent comes along with those words.

so to my low numbered ladies, fear not- you are not alone. there is no shame in it. ill sit right next to you and hold your hand, b/c its clear im not having sex with you. we can sit and chitter chat about monogamy and porn. we can nod in unison when a striking woman who we would like to sleep walks by, but then stand and grab the hand of that whom we love.
to all my ladies who are straight up KILLING other females- GET IT GIRL! if you would like to send me photos of each and every conquest you make unsheathed, go right ahead!

phasefest 2009

phasefest

2009

so, its wednesday and that means we are mere baby steps away from the weekend! if you are looking to have fun NOW versus LATER, you are in luck!!

next week is a big one for DC lesbians b/c phasefest is back for its 3rd annual PHASEFEST QUEER ARTS & MUSIC FESTIVAL! this year it is sponsored by sol cerveza, dos equis, red bull, and the washington blade.
so let me get this straight (or gay- ahaha, RIMSHOT! it was too easy, im sorry) its sponsored by beer, the energy drink that is paired perfectly with liquor, and the source of DCs gay news? well HOT DAMN! how does that NOT sound like the perfect recipe for lesbionic fun?

all of the events take place at phase 1 lounge, which is located at 525 8th street se, washington dc. there is street parking, and i wont lie- every time i go to phase i somehow luck out and get sweet parking, but thats not always the case. i suggest taxi, as you will most likely be leaving this party wasted.

phase 1 itself is a rad club- or lounge, as it were. ive been their numerous times and i think that the most attractive feature about this club is every time i have been there, its been crawling with women. i have no problem with seeing other people, but it is nice to walk into a club and have a sense of belonging right off the bat. arguably i could be the only one who feels that sense of closeness, but who the fuck cares- take a couple more shots im sure you will want to be my friend too!


the staff that i have met there are always very welcoming, friendly, and gay as hell. the manager, angela lombardi does an amazing job of always having the events that girls wanna go to.
i mean, you would be insane to NOT want to go their events that range from jello wrestling to 'slut night'...yah- lesbian WRESTLING, its just as hot and fun as it sounds.



the performing lineup is as follows:

• thursday september 24th
  bitch, good asian drivers, omega band, nancy eddy, natalie e. illum, tiik w/ guts, nikki smith


• friday september 25th
  partyline, the shondes, andrea gibson, shira girl, mzery loves company, belladonna, sarah azzara, alex voegele


• saturday september 26th
  the cliks, hunter valentine, boyskout, athens boys choir, DC kings, bellafea, rad pony, clinical trials, DC gurly show, magazupakes, mrs. robinson and odd girl out

anything else you might be interested to know:

• "Phasefest is an annual Queer music and arts festival dedicated to the development, exposure and interaction of queer and queer-allied musicians and artists, both national and international. Musicians, crafters, artists, performance artists, activists and comedians are among the creative individuals supported by Phasefest. Phasefest seeks to offer the greater mid-Atlantic area the opportunity to experience a unique community-oriented festival fostered by the independent and free-spirited punk roots planted in Washington DC so many years ago."
  
  
• "The festival will kick off Thursday evening at 7pm and culminate late Saturday night with a performance by The Cliks, an internationally touring Queer band with an FTM lead singer. Other headlining performers include Bitch, Partylin, Boyskout, Hunter Valentine, Athens Boys Choir and The Shondes. Admission is $15 each night for Thursday, Friday, and Saturday is $20 or a festival pass may be purchased for $45 which also includes a Free Concert poster. All festival attendees must be 21 years of age."

its beginning to look a lot like halloween

trick or treat

your costume < my costume

halloween is one of my favorite occasions!
it is an honest holiday in that its one of the few celebratory days that doesnt hypocritically try and claim 'its all about the spirit of this day, the money generated doesnt matter' (yah valentines day, and christmas- im talking to YOU)
halloween almost shouts to us all- BUY CANDY, BUY A COSTUME, BUY BLOOD, BUY, BUY, BUY! to most young women, halloween means buying the sluttiest outfit one can find, and going as some type of generic profession+ slut (slutty nurse, slutty teacher, slutty construction worker, slutty cop..you get the idea)

being the unique little gem that i am, ive never embraced social norms on this holiday- in fact, i always try to have the costume that makes everyone say, 'oh ashley..only you.' here are some of my favorites over the past few years:

last year i was enraged when i could not find an adult dinosaur costume, nor could i make one in enough time to go to my former employers 'boo bash'. so i went to target and bought a little boys spiderman costume, cut it in half, and wore the mask on my crotch most of the night. the gentlemen behind me is, for all intensive purposes my brother. but he also has been having sex with my sister for the past 7 years, and thus is her common law husband.
this was one of my favorite (and most mainstream outfits) to date. why?
my a-cups LOVED the padding that made me appear to be a solid b-cup. hooray for small miracles.
sidenote: why yes that is a bulldog in a cactus costume tattooed on my ribs. im epic.

this was also last year- my sister and i thought it would be fun to be a matching set for this particular party. cowboy and indians. how cute. this was the first time i bought and wore a standard slutty outfit, but of course spiced it up with the stach..i also hid alcohol in my holsters which made the night infinitely more fun. b/c while yes- i rarely drink, when i do, i do it very well.

oh man, this was a great year. i really wanted to be a lamp. but rather than wear a lamp shade on my head, i thought a dog anti-itch cone would be better. why? that i still dont know, i think at the time i claimed something about it fitting my head better- and that i could write on it.
not that it matters, but the whole costume was based on that ridiculously tacky dress.
i saw it at the thrift store and fell in love. who wouldnt be mesmerized by all those sequins and the deliciously dated shape of the dress.
i felt like a million bucks, and all the people i didnt know at the party thought i was ape shit.
mission accomplished.

this was my least politically correct move, but i still standby it with all my heart. so steve irwin died in the beginning of september, and by the end of october i was paying homage via my halloween costume.
actually, this was for a 'fallen heroes' party that happened before halloween.
but its never too soon to pay your respects right? anyways- the key to this outfit was the blood was red icing, and b/c of that i was ready for a mid party snack! im always prepared.

so, this year i have to make a strong showing in the creative department.
my most creative costume to date was in high school when i chose to be a 'girl gone wild'.
im sure my parents regard this as one of their proudest moments- i know for sure its in my top ten.
i wore a nude colored tank top, with a tshirt over top that was pulled up exposing the black tape around my boobels that said 'censored'. topping it all off, i was adorned with mardi gras beads. it was one of the simplest costumes ive put together and it most definitely got some interesting stares, and also got me called to the principals office.
i was sat down and asked about my 'flashing the underclassmen'. it was while trying to defend myself that i proceeded to flash the principal to show him what i had been doing- proving how harmless i was. at the time this was a brilliant move, in hindsight- perhaps it was not my most thought out life choice. he simply shook his head and said, 'no more of this after halloween ashley. you never cease to amaze me.'
ill cook up something something great this year, but as per the usual- i will keep it under wraps until my first halloween party.
but what about you? are you not as creative when it comes to all hallows eve? heres a few tips from yours truly to spice up your look!

ideas for you:

• add a stach to any normal outfit and go as a molester; if thats too testy for your politically correct ass- first off, lighten up douchbag; and secondly- fine, you can go as causal geraldo rivera- thats sure to be a conversation starter if nothing else.
• think of your two favorite animals, then mash em together- go as an animal hybrid!
  say you like owls and octopuses...then craft yourself some wings, toss eight tubes on your back, and BAM! you are an owlapuss!
  i dont care if you are looking at your computer screen like im on acid- i think this is valid and a genius idea. at least you dont have to worry about someone stealing your outfit.
• dress in all yellow and put 2 black stripes horizontally across your stomach- INSTANT SPEED BUMP!
• dressing up as a friend is always a great idea. and by 'great idea' i mean, 'awful, terrible idea but will be incredible to watch for other partiers'...see i had a few friends who thought doing a little swap with clothes would be great and simple for halloween, problem being they both were bitchy and caddy and it turned into let me find your biggest insecurity and exploit it. it wasnt necessary for one girl to shove 3 pillows in her jeans to showcase the other chicks 'massive thighs', and it wasnt appropriate for the other one to retaliate by drawing a uni brow on her face and a stach in the likeness of the first girl.
  with that said, i did chuckle a little bit while shit was going down.