Friday, September 25, 2009

post from a previous time

posts from
a previous time

i was going through some of my old writings the other day, and found a piece that really struck me. i wrote it earlier this year when i was going through a rough patch, in fact i did a lot of writing during what seemed like an extended period of shitty situations. i know some friends right now are dealing with tough times and i thought maybe my words from the past could give some others a bit of clarity as well:

"Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music."
-Angela Monet

everyone as of late has been giving me their advice. not completely unwarranted i must say- but some has been completely unsolicited.

and with all this flurry of words, this storm of ideas, this tidal wave of beliefs- ive come to the conclusion that while everyone has an opinion, none of them really matter. sure its always reassuring to have everyones support, but sometimes you have to go it alone. ask yourself for advice- youd be surprised at how smart you are.

oscar wilde once said,
“Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.”

when i read that, its as if a wall in front of me turned into a doorway. *BOOM* just like that.
im not a complete lemming. i certainly am an individual in many respects- but when it comes to peoples emotions i am a pushover.

i will walk out of the house in a lime green hat, yellow pants, bright blue shirt, chucks, and weird wack jewelry and not think twice- but you tell me that something i am doing is hurting you and i will do everything in my power to fix that.

unfortunately, as of late i realized that pain is a necessary part of life. and as much as i try to control other peoples emotions by my adjusting my actions accordingly- im never going to lead the life in my head, where i never wrong anyone and everyone is happy.

people are bound to disagree, people are bound to change- thats the beauty in life. when it hurts so bad, why does it feel so good? (oo sing it lauryn hill) because when you are up it feels like you are on top of the world and nothing will bring you down, and when you are down it feels like the deepest darkest loneliest pit of despair.

the beauty lies in the fact that you know sometimes your up, sometimes your down, but remain true to yourself and beauty will surround you always.

its my life. you cannot fault me for living it my way.

we all only get one go at it- so why would i spend any time at all being held back, or being forced into a box that i cannot realistically live in if i want to achieve my dreams. im sorry if any of my actions hurt you. know that i am human, and i will make mistakes- i will make poor choices- but in the end our choices are all we have.
i made a choice, well several really, and some of them hurt people. but they were MY CHOICES. no one forced me to make them.
those people i have hurt know who i am, and know that inflicting pain on another would have never been my intention- but facts are facts. be it my intention or not ive hurt good people. and im sorry for that.

but i will from this day forth im going to unapologetically live my life.
there is no need to wallow in uncertainty.
im going to make the most of this life- and try to lead a life i can be proud of. sometimes that means putting my happiness over others.

ultimately we all need to lookout for #1, b/c in this life sometimes all you have is yourself.

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