Tuesday, September 8, 2009

being lesbifriends

to be lesbifriends, or not to be
that is the question

i know that i try to paint an idyllic picture of being 'lesbifriends', if for no other reason than simply- i really do believe that everyone can put aside their bullshit and be nice to each other.
im not saying you are ever going to love the girl who your ex cheated on you with- but is it so hard for us to act like adults and put it on a shelf?
clearly thats rhetorical, b/c if you asked a group of lesbians how they sincerely feel about another girl who has wronged them in a major way, im pretty sure you would hear a lot of words and 'friend' would not be one of them.
im no saint, there are a handful of people who simply rub me the wrong way but in spite of that, i still treat them as i would like to be treated. i might not be crafting them new clothes, or making them mixed CDs, but i will be polite.
is there realistically any good reason for us to hold these deep seeded grudges? some argue that certain wrongs done to a person are unforgivable..im not jesus or religious in the slightest, so i suppose me saying 'forgive everyone, smile, and move on' is a bit melodramatic. but sometimes, we can just put shit aside and have a good time. and as far as 'unforgivable' goes- pfft, it has nothing to do with that really- the question is less, 'do you want to forgive this person' and more of, 'do you want to let go of this weight you are carrying'.

with that said, as of late ive began to revise my tune a bit. it would be nice if we all woke up every morning and loved each other so much that we just had a big old bowl of lucky charms out of each others
fannies..it would also be nice if unicorns and dinosaurs were real, so that i could live out my fantasy kickball team.
but alas,there are exceptions to being lesbifriends- and much as it crushes my idealistic notion of the world, i am steadfast in my new beliefs.

the exceptions to 'lesbifriends'
  • the 'only in moderation' friend- while she may be just the sweetest thing around (or she may be a wet rag) the 'moderation' friend is the girl you can only handle in small doses. this would not the ideal gal to bring to a week long beach trip, or have accompany you on a long spa weekend (unless of course she was gagged, or rendered unable to speak). shes got opinions, and you are going to hear about all of them. she also has problems (not unlike everyone) and she wants to talk to everyone about them ad nauseam (no matter if you are a close friend, or a new stranger). and getting her drunk? baha- shes a riot for sure, but watch out- these girls generally get violent, or sob their face off while wasted. if you dont know of this girl...there is a high chance she is you. jus sayin-
  • the 'only when single' friend- i have many friends who i really care a lot for deeply. i think they are tremendous individuals, brilliant minds, and are just good people. so why cant we be lesbifriends all the time?? simple- some girls can only be your friend when they are single. maybe they have a bit of a wild streak in them that their girlfriends find a bit suspect, and thus they dont trust their new partner. maybe your friend and you have a bit of a flirtatious relationship that the new girlfriend does not like. or maybe (as the case very often is) new girlfriend is not a fan of you and her girl being friends. agh this idea to me is bullshit. if you dont have trust in your relationship then perhaps you should reconsider being in one. i have numerous friends who i cannot speak with now, but were they single again- we would be bouncing off the walls being gay ol' friends.
  • the 'drama starter' friend- i find it odd that in every social dynamic ive witnessed with lesbians there is always that one girl who seems to have her hand in every pot. where she in a novel, her character would be omniscient for sure. she knows a lot of shit on everyone it seems, she also knows how to park herself in drama- then throw on the brake, and just sit there for a long while. smart people just stay on her good side, but if you wrong her you are fair game. you dont want to mess with a beast like her, unless you are prepared for the scrappiest, throw down, rip off your bra, pull outta bitches weave kinda fight.
  • the 'predator' friend- ive been hearing a lot about vultures lately. initially, like most, i assumed the creatures who come to feed on the dead and are adorable (i understand that most wont agree with that sentiment and thats fine...but every ones gotta be adorable to someone) but what my friends were referring to as a 'vulture' were those girls who love to swoop in and eat off of someone elses plate. it seems that their intention isnt to steal one party from the other, but more or less they just like fucking with your shit. sure- everything starts out great; you and your relationship and now you have a new friend. but then the friend says a few things that are a bit more flirtatious than a friend should be. then WAM you sleep with her and then she rolls out, claiming the 'drama is just too much' for her. ive been seeing this happen with a few friends lately...and ladies, be careful with your hearts. they are precious and deserve love, and love only. (fucking RIGHT, i should write for hallmark.)
  • the 'my life sucks' friend- let me preface this definition with saying, mental illnesses are no joke. i would never think it was right to not be someones friend due to depression, bipolar disorder, or anxiety- im no hypocrite; please be clear, that my issue resides elsewhere. where might that be? agh- it lies directly in the hands of that whiny chick we all know. the one whos always having some sort of breakdown, the one who almost seems to relish the fact that they are having conflict in their lives. i personally used to be drawn to these people- i want to help, i want to make them see the world i see when im happy. i could be 100% off in your case, but in my life ive found these people dont want help- just attention and thus are preying on those who want to lend a hand. babygirl, you do what makes you happy- but please dont fuck with me in order to do so.
  • the 'yo, is your sister single' friend- admittedly, this may just be a 'me' thing, but so fucking what, its my blog. hahaa so, this friend wants to do my sister. please note that when i say 'friend' i actually mean 'all of my friends'. i know its true- and im happy to admit, my sister is a drop dead, jaw on the floor, 10. she has this killer shape, shes a thin as me- but with funbags, agh and i would kill for her hips. shes incredibly rad too- loves motorcycles, is a cheap date with drinks (our family has shit for tolerance apparently), loves vampires and dark mystical things. she knows cars, she used to be a tattoo artist as well as a piercer, and did i mention- she has some of the sickest ink around.
    i think its pretty clear, i know my sister is a dime- i love her with all my heart, so i could understand how someone could feel the same way. and by that i mean her boyfriend of 7+ years. i know women can be nastier than the dirtiest frat boys when it comes to degrading women, but some girls talk about 'what they wanna do with my sister'...it presents an interesting situation for me. do i (a) say, 'shut the fuck up thats my sister' and then come across as the jealous younger sister who hates the fact that everyone wants to bang her sisters snatchbox or (b) sit there and take it; but appear even keeled about the situation.
    just as its uncouth and in poor taste to tell a brother how you wanna stick it in his sisters brown hole, its uncomfortable for you to tell me you want to nuzzle your face in my sisters pusspuss. shes my sister, and i will protect her to my grave so i always choose a, but the friend in question will never stop on their relentless journey to bring on the awkward and talk about 3somes with my sister. (i dont care how hot you think it might be..that shits nastytown.)
i hope these new revisions are helpful to you; but still remember, we are all on the same team- theres no reason that we cant just swallow our shit and be pleasant, or better yet-
just be lesbifriends


  1. hahaha i was just talking about the 'only in moderation friend' yesterday.

    i also think that most of these pertain to straight people as well.

  2. it most def pertains to everyone- thats for sure. just change a few genitals around, and we are all pretty much alike!

  3. crap, i posted on this earlier and i don't think it posted! unless you deleted it? i love love love this post!

  4. oh, i see what happened! i left a browser open all day with my comment sitting in it. i never hit "post comment". well shit. here was my original response...

    oh my god, i love you're writing. it's so funny and easy to relate to! you hit the nail on the head with all these things. i think i'm going to start labeling my friends in your categories now. ha.
    i also think that people hold grudges cause of insecurity. their egos were bruised and that's hard for a lot of people to get over.

  5. oh well thank you x2!
    and i can def see what you are saying about insecurity- swallowing oneself isnt easy, but sometimes its what must be done.
    lol would it be terribly immature of me to say 'thats what she said'. for the first time it actually works!
    normally i say it to make a counter point, about how half the time when TWSS is said, its not actually funny..and im rambling. my bad.