who you talkin bout willis!?
i was wandering through my local adult video store the other day, and i came to a horrifying conclusion. as i was skipping along (b/c lets be real, everyone skips in a porn shop, on account of sheer excitability..alright- so its just me who gets giddy around new boobies, whatevs) and i stopped dead in my tracks, i threw it in reverse, i HAD to be lost. i looked up at the sign indicating the section i was in..well, i was indeed in the 'gay' section- so why on earth do i find myself surrounded by only wieners, balls, bears and twinks!?
it was in this moment i realized, lesbians are no longer gay.
thats right ladies, if you are a lesbian- the masses have spoken and apparently when the term 'gay' is used, it no longer refers to you.
at first, i hoped it was just a porn thing..perhaps the lesbian genre had exploded in such a way that it needed its own category, and needed to be separate from the boy gays. that made sense, i could get down with that idea. but NAY MY FRIENDS! have you noticed if you even google image search 'gay', 80% of the photos are of men or flaming queens.
i have no problem with this, but where is our new title?
so, the proverbial 'they' have usurped the term, gay, from us, and rather than be upset, stomp my feet, and start a feminist revolution- instead, i just knock back a few shots of my creative juices. its clear what must be done- its time for a little ashley creativity up in this bitch.
time to make up a new word for the sexual orientation that makes straight girls quiver, hetero boys cower, and makes everyone else- just plain jealous. (now if that isnt THE slogan for lesbianism i dont know what is)
so the first step, is to find all of the terms that are currently associated with being a lesbian. i couldnt just reach into my head and pull out those terms, even though i have an infinite amount of words to refer to the ladypuss lover. for you see, the frustrating part is that most of the time, i make up terms that arent used by everyone (ok- so i am the only one who says half of the shit i say)...for instance, it would not be unreasonable for me to refer to a lesbian as a vagalasuarous (vag-a-la-soar-us), or a dykatron (big dyke, at least 6 foot or better). shockingly, both of those words can not be found in websters.
so i continued my hunt for the perfect word. its gotta have pizazz, personality, and a commanding presence. in order to be better prepared, i began reading up on different slang terms for 'lesbian'. in hopes of mashing them together, in a new hybrid word for lesbian.
can i just say how thrilled i am that i chose to lookup these, very clearly NOT PC words, at work? i came to both some shocking, and horrifying conclusions.
first off, more than one source claimed a 'stud' was a masculine black lesbian. woah, wait, WHAT?? the only reason i have issue with this is b/c i thought that my mormon ex was a stud for years b/c she was just a lil lady who dressed like a lil fella (but still wore mascara and had long hair). i had no idea that RACE was a factor. i thought a stud was a little lesbian, with the heart of napoleon (evverryooonee is a fucking napoleon- 10 points for the ani refrence)
secondly, i learned a few things that were a bit shocking. shocking may be a bit dramatic, but still- i had never heard of a stealth lesbian had you? apparently thats a lesbian who can pass for straight, right ok- that makes sence i guess, but i feel like most lesbians dont look gay unless you put them in a room full of naked ladies and see how they react. if her face falls into another ladies crotch- one could say with some degree of certianty that shes a lil gaybo.
then there was the bear dyke (silly me, i thought bears were for boys) which was defined as 'lesbian of especially large build and/or physical prowess'. i dont know why i found that hilarious, but i did.
and then- god bless the unquestionable wisdom of wikipedia, which referred to bisexuals as bi-dykes or simply bykes...really? really bikes? sweet jesus- what is the world coming to.
i call them bisexuals, or sexually fluid ladies. doesnt that sound just a tad sexier than fuckin BYKES?
so as much as i wish i could be a vagalasuarous, or a pussinator, or a diesel dyke, or a lesbot- i will stand proudly and say simply and humbly,
i am ashley THE LESBIAN!!