Tuesday, September 15, 2009

its beginning to look a lot like halloween

trick or treat
your costume < my costume
halloween is one of my favorite occasions!
it is an honest holiday in that its one of the few celebratory days that doesnt hypocritically try and claim 'its all about the spirit of this day, the money generated doesnt matter' (yah valentines day, and christmas- im talking to YOU)
halloween almost shouts to us all- BUY CANDY, BUY A COSTUME, BUY BLOOD, BUY, BUY, BUY! to most young women, halloween means buying the sluttiest outfit one can find, and going as some type of generic profession+ slut (slutty nurse, slutty teacher, slutty construction worker, slutty cop..you get the idea)

being the unique little gem that i am, ive never embraced social norms on this holiday- in fact, i always try to have the costume that makes everyone say, 'oh ashley..only you.' here are some of my favorites over the past few years:
last year i was enraged when i could not find an adult dinosaur costume, nor could i make one in enough time to go to my former employers 'boo bash'. so i went to target and bought a little boys spiderman costume, cut it in half, and wore the mask on my crotch most of the night. the gentlemen behind me is, for all intensive purposes my brother. but he also has been having sex with my sister for the past 7 years, and thus is her common law husband.
this was one of my favorite (and most mainstream outfits) to date. why?
my a-cups LOVED the padding that made me appear to be a solid b-cup. hooray for small miracles.
sidenote: why yes that is a bulldog in a cactus costume tattooed on my ribs. im epic.

this was also last year- my sister and i thought it would be fun to be a matching set for this particular party. cowboy and indians. how cute. this was the first time i bought and wore a standard slutty outfit, but of course spiced it up with the stach..i also hid alcohol in my holsters which made the night infinitely more fun. b/c while yes- i rarely drink, when i do, i do it very well.

oh man, this was a great year. i really wanted to be a lamp. but rather than wear a lamp shade on my head, i thought a dog anti-itch cone would be better. why? that i still dont know, i think at the time i claimed something about it fitting my head better- and that i could write on it.
not that it matters, but the whole costume was based on that ridiculously tacky dress.
i saw it at the thrift store and fell in love. who wouldnt be mesmerized by all those sequins and the deliciously dated shape of the dress.
i felt like a million bucks, and all the people i didnt know at the party thought i was ape shit.
mission accomplished.

this was my least politically correct move, but i still standby it with all my heart. so steve irwin died in the beginning of september, and by the end of october i was paying homage via my halloween costume.
actually, this was for a 'fallen heroes' party that happened before halloween.
but its never too soon to pay your respects right? anyways- the key to this outfit was the blood was red icing, and b/c of that i was ready for a mid party snack! im always prepared.

so, this year i have to make a strong showing in the creative department.
my most creative costume to date was in high school when i chose to be a 'girl gone wild'.
im sure my parents regard this as one of their proudest moments- i know for sure its in my top ten.
i wore a nude colored tank top, with a tshirt over top that was pulled up exposing the black tape around my boobels that said 'censored'. topping it all off, i was adorned with mardi gras beads. it was one of the simplest costumes ive put together and it most definitely got some interesting stares, and also got me called to the principals office.
i was sat down and asked about my 'flashing the underclassmen'. it was while trying to defend myself that i proceeded to flash the principal to show him what i had been doing- proving how harmless i was. at the time this was a brilliant move, in hindsight- perhaps it was not my most thought out life choice. he simply shook his head and said, 'no more of this after halloween ashley. you never cease to amaze me.'
ill cook up something something great this year, but as per the usual- i will keep it under wraps until my first halloween party.
but what about you? are you not as creative when it comes to all hallows eve? heres a few tips from yours truly to spice up your look!
ideas for you:
  • add a stach to any normal outfit and go as a molester; if thats too testy for your politically correct ass- first off, lighten up douchbag; and secondly- fine, you can go as causal geraldo rivera- thats sure to be a conversation starter if nothing else.
  • think of your two favorite animals, then mash em together- go as an animal hybrid!
    say you like owls and octopuses...then craft yourself some wings, toss eight tubes on your back, and BAM! you are an owlapuss!
    i dont care if you are looking at your computer screen like im on acid- i think this is valid and a genius idea. at least you dont have to worry about someone stealing your outfit.
  • dress in all yellow and put 2 black stripes horizontally across your stomach- INSTANT SPEED BUMP!
  • dressing up as a friend is always a great idea. and by 'great idea' i mean, 'awful, terrible idea but will be incredible to watch for other partiers'...see i had a few friends who thought doing a little swap with clothes would be great and simple for halloween, problem being they both were bitchy and caddy and it turned into let me find your biggest insecurity and exploit it. it wasnt necessary for one girl to shove 3 pillows in her jeans to showcase the other chicks 'massive thighs', and it wasnt appropriate for the other one to retaliate by drawing a uni brow on her face and a stach in the likeness of the first girl.
    with that said, i did chuckle a little bit while shit was going down.


  1. 2 years ago I went as a pirate treasure chest. I dressed like a pirate, exposed way too much cleavage, and glued jewels, gold, glitter and even a couple of tiny skeletons to the boobs. None of my other halloween efforts compare to the brilliance of that costume.

    Weren't you once a slutty Rainbow Brite too?

  2. this post got me thinking about my previous costumes...
    marlene dietrich (in men's clothing, then a burlesque outfit underneath), danny elfman, harpo marx, david byrne, a dead laura palmer from "twin peaks", truman capote, cher (not my favorite costume. drags queens in WeHo looked way prettier than me), dana scully, catwoman...
    hm. there seems to be a trend of either dressing like a man or a dead person.

  3. ahh you are very right. i was rainbow bright while my gf at the time was a 'barbarian babe'..the key to those seemingly simple minded outfits was that we wore them out to chain restaurants in west virignia. which while the slogan may imply wild and wonderful- they are not big fans of anything wild and/or wonderful...such as our outfits.

    man or dead person! hmm. you know- after mj died i wrote about zombie mj costume...not sure if its too soon for that- but its on the back burner.

  4. that's a brilliant costume! may i steal it?