Thursday, September 17, 2009

its just a number

high or low
whats your number?

it should come as a shock to no one that lesbians like to get it on- alot.
why? well, if you have ever seen a woman naked (yourself included, you sexy little minx) you have all the answer i really need to give. if thats not enough for you, remember- we CANNOT get pregnant by accident. such the anomaly, us lesbians.
we are the only women who, on paper, are fertial as rabbits, and yet- no spawn is unintentionally crawling out of our snatchboxes! its as if we were born and bred to get it on.
so- we have that in our corner.

now ill play a little devils advocate and admit, that like our hetero counterparts, lesbians dont all just fit one mold. i suppose its only fair to mention that while a great deal have overactive sex drives, that more still- do NOT. and then there is a handful that have had it up to HERE with women and are now asexual.
((fyi)) if you hear a lesbian say, 'fuck it, im asexual' it means one of two things: (1) some charming young woman has broken her heart/she is finding it difficult to locate a ladylove, (2) she is in fact, asexual.

but regardless of your libido, there is always the question of 'whats your number' gay or straight?
ive always been shy about my number- not because ive slayed thousands of ladies, but quite the contrary, and furthermore i just dont think its anyones business how many people ive been with. unless you are my gyno, best friend, or lover- it is not necessary for you to be privy to that information.

this topic came up during a game of kings once- i was called out by number. surrounded by a circle of friends, i began to defend my low numbered sisters. questions began to flow:

but if you havent slept with a lot of people, how do you know what you are doing?
if doesnt matter if you ride one bike or 45 all your life, you still know how to ride- you still knows what feels good. furthermore, i dont think its a stretch to note that mounting a handful of bikes in ones lifetime, can still be as gratifying (if not more so) than trying them all.

people learn from their partners, if you have a smaller pool to draw from- wouldnt that imply you know less?
well, first and foremost let me direct you to this fabulous invention called the internet. it has an incredible amount of porn for anyone to draw on- even you! i dont care if you have slayed all of the girls on campus, or have slept with one for the past four years- there is a porn out there that will teach you something new. you may not enjoy it at all (read: some people have bizarre fetishes) but you WILL learn something.
and beyond that- let us not forget the old addage- quality over quantity, my ladies.

i know what this boils down to isnt slut vs prude, its a basic matter of preference.
i understand where one would find a life of new adventures and new women insanely attractive. to just walk into a bar, and leave with a new girl- wow, thats some skill.
some skill i dont have mind you.
but lets say for arguments sake, i did have the gift of game. lets assume i havent high fived someone after sex, lets assume im smooth. even if all of those things were true, i still wouldnt have it in me to sashay my way over to a new friend, buy her a drink, then tell her
'hop in my cruiser baby, the ride with me lasts all night'
this shit would never occur for a bucket full of reasons, first being that pickup line is ri-goddamned-diculous.

if a girl did want to get into my pt cruiser willingly- thats a shock. have you seen my minihurse?? i love my car more than i should, but im also realistic enough to know that most people regard my car as a lame one...the benefits of a lame car? even cops think im lame as hell, and let a sister roll on by- ill live with that trade-off.

and even if i got the girl in my car, she would be horrified to find that i really am in love with dinosaurs. my car has no less than 3 dinosaur figurines in him at a time, i could not explain to you as to WHY i need them all around me, but i have long lonely rides to work- DONT JUDGE ME!

finally, i often refer to my car in a personified way (walter). ive always had these relationships with my cars. and while most who get to know me find that endearing, i fear a stranger would feel more oh my fucking lord this chick is ape shit, and fuck im locked in her spacious yet not at all luxurious vehicle..oh god- shes playing indie acoustic music- is she trying to set the mood? what is the deal with all of her nicely organized shit? sweet baby jesus- hand sanitizer, 48 pens, 2 pads of paper, a toothbrush, wtf a FORK!? this crazy is prepared! fucking child saftey lock. thankfully she looks scrappy so i think i could take her if i needed to escape.

i just cant do the nameless, faceless type of thing. it goes without saying the chief reason for this is i am in a committed relationship, and thats a bond i have and would never break (i would be stupid to, i have my dream girl, and on her chest are my dream titties). but all of that aside, there is something to be said for the warmth of a partner you have been with several times over- you begin to learn eachothers bodies and rhythms- you cater the act to their needs.
i cant exactly speak on behalf of the opposing view- although i can see its perks (did anyone instantly think nipple? no? just me? fair enough.)

again- its all about preference. i prefer to know who im sleeping with. i know- its crazy, its irrational, its different- but i like to remember those im with, too. i think back on the people i have been with, and each one was incredibly special to me..even if it only happened one time. i dont regret any of them or any thing that we shared- and i never will.

but what irritates me like no other is when people think that their opinion or life choice is boss. ((im really trying to make "boss" come back- bear with me until its popularity skyrockets again)) you might have sex with a lot more girls than me, but we are still both beautiful ladies- so why the anger?
its established- i dont like getting naked with strangers. im not in any way saying that munching mad ladies is wrong, its just not what i do. i DO think its wrong when people call those girls sluts. slut is an awful term to throw around, and frankly it makes you look ugly hating on people. have i ever used the word- most certainly. but i think that intent is very powerful when placed behind words. just as when a homosexual sees another homosexual and a sexual slur is blurted out (fag, gay, homo, flamer..) its not offensive, as long as no ill intent comes along with those words.

so to my low numbered ladies, fear not-
you are not alone. there is no shame in it. ill sit right next to you and hold your hand, b/c its clear im not having sex with you. we can sit and chitter chat about monogamy and porn. we can nod in unison when a striking woman who we would like to sleep walks by, but then stand and grab the hand of that whom we love.
to all my ladies who are straight up KILLING other females- GET IT GIRL! if you would like to send me photos of each and every conquest you make unsheathed, go right ahead!

1 comment:

  1. "so to my low numbered ladies, fear not- you are not alone. there is no shame in it. ill sit right next to you and hold your hand, b/c its clear im not having sex with you."