Monday, December 14, 2009

feelin blue

im sorry
re: this post

generally speaking, im an absurdly optimistic person. this isnt an accident- it has taken years to perfect the craft of consistently 'looking on the bright side' but when i slip, i most certainly make it count. my thoughts today were consumed with negative, angry, sad, and dark things. i tried to just focus on something else, but i finally just threw my hands up and admitted that i now felt compelled to try and expell these thoughts on my overall positive blog. fear not, im sure ill shake this soon, but as for now- im sorry, but these thoughts need to be let go.

i hate portions of myself. i hate very few things in the world, as i think its a strong emotion that- like love- shouldnt be thrown around all willy nilly. i feel as though inside of me theres this unmeasurable ability to do good, accomplish things of substance, live a life im proud of, inspire and be inspired by those around me, and be a genuine person. i know its there, but there are times that im more able to see my flaws. i know that im not unique in being my own worst enemy. i know that its a counter intuitive cycle that i shouldnt allow myself to get into, and yet here i sit.

looking back on all my flaws, all my imperfections, all the storms ive weathered- i know rationally, that humans have an uncanny ability to live through many trying situations. i think of my life compared to the plights of others, and im humbled in how much worse things could be. i havent been held against my will in a concentration camp, i havent been a slave, ive never been abused by a family member. now that doesnt diminish the shit that i have over come. ive been through my own personal hell and i will never forget that...some days i feel like im never going to shake the darkness completely.

i know that life is like the waves in that there is a constant flow, there are tides, and highs and lows. i try to rest my head at night with the thought that if i try to keep my flame of positivity lit in my heart that in time, i will get what i put out there.

just going to keep on, keeping on. (if i werent so blue, id totally break out into the brady bunch song- keep on, keep on, keep on, keep on dancin on through the NIGHT!)


  1. "We're gonna keep on, keep on, keep on doin' it ri-i-IGHT!"

  2. Please don't hate parts of yourself. You can want to change them, but don't hate them.

    It is insane the things we live through as humans, giving the extent of emotions we endure. It's insane we are still alive in the same skin that fell on the playground when we were younger, and lost our virginity, and turned tan in the summer and white in the winter...


  3. There are probably a lot of things I could say here, but I'll give you the shorter end of one of the things I've thought about after a number of expeditions soul searching.

    The German philosopher Nietsche, in his book "Thus Spoke Zarathustra" reflected on something he terms the "eternal return", in which, since it's scientific law that mass is finite, and theorized time is infinite, that therefore, we are destined to live our lives over and over again, since there is only so much probability of a uniquely different world from the last before, going on and on, that our number comes up again (due to the finite and infinite nature). A book that argues against this, "The Unbearable Lightness of Being", I won't give you a synopsis, but the title itself it all you need to know, in which the "lightness" is a term from the author, describing "lightness" as his belief our lives are unique, never to happen again, and that our actions will thus have no repercussions. "Being" in the title is the sense of our intrinsic desire to feel our actions have meaning, therefore the "unbearable lightness of being" suggests that it's cruel that although we wish our actions to matter, ultimately, they don't.

    I thought about both for a while, weighing the plausibilities, but ultimately, this is what I came up with: live your life as well as you should as if you're going to live it twice, and value it as much as if it's the only chance you're going to get.

    I hope I didn't get that too muddled, and sorry for the long comment. Take care.

  4. Society tells you you're not supposed to be sad, or that it's not normal. I say, FUCK SOCIETY! Everyone gets blue once in a while. Let it out baby girl!

  5. Just keep writing and watch some really dumb ass movies or maybe even walk around the mall and stare at all the people that you're glad you're not. Maybe kick a wall or punch your pillow. Eat a bunch of macaroni and cheese. Say something snippy at a complete stranger. Have a shot of tequila. Take a nice, long nap.
    You're awesome and tomorrow will be so much better. :)

  6. There's never a reason to apologize for human emotion, especially not when there are very good reasons for it.

    The only other thing I'll say is that there is beauty in the darkness. I know it sounds really silly but it's true. I don't think I could ever think anyone was truly beautiful that had not gone through something that made them see that there is as much darkness as there is light. The way I see it, while I'm not necessary happy about the experiences I've had, I do like that because of them the light side of life got a little brighter in my eyes.

  7. When I read this, I felt completely compelled to reach out and hug you. I feel the exact same way on any given day, and I apologize just like you because I feel like it's some sort of crime to be feeling so down on myself. I have always tried to give the world an optimistic outlook, but there comes a time in my life when I feel like everything is going wrong and that nothing can get better. But the truth is, the only person stopping it from getting better is you.. but it is completely healthy to dip down into your darkest of places and realize that things just aren't okay for that moment.. You just have to know that you are capable of getting out of it. You're an incredible woman, and what amazes me is that I can think this without even being acquainted with you (quite the accomplishment for I am severely judgmental haha). So, smile and do something that makes you happy. Hell.. go get some ice cream of your favourite flavour and eat til your hearts content. It's your life, I'm sure you'll be able to figure it out eventually and that things will work out for the best.. and if not, just know that there are people out there rootin' for you and believing in you every step of the way. :)

  8. wow- im blown away with you all. thank you so much for your support and words of of the many reasons why i like you guys so much.