Tuesday, December 29, 2009

its all fun and games until the bisexual dates a boy

its all fun and games
until the bisexual dates a boy

bisexuality, to some, is a pit stop on the road to coming out; but for others it is the final fluid resting place for ones sexual classification. as of late, i have a particular soft spot for my bisexual friends, as its become more and more clear to me that their life is in no way easy. i know that all involved in the LGBT community have it rough, but often bisexuals are swept under the rug and written off as 'confused', 'selfish', or 'wanting it all'. if i know one thing about bisexuality its not that they want everyone, they just dont see gender in the way that others do. its not that they lack morals and are sexual deviants- they simply embrace all people, regardless of gender.

i think the face of bisexuality is becoming increasingly one we are more familiar with, but unfortunately those who are publicly coming out arent necessarily doing much to kill the 'bisexual party girl' stigma. while i dont know miss aubrey o'day on a personal level, her public persona is that of a bit of a harlot. now, where she to be standing in front of me in her birthday suit, i dont think i would exactly fight her off- but i would demand a shower and a disinfectant spritz with lysol...i have a healthy fear of STDs, as should you, but i digress. angie jolie is arguably one of the better pillars in the bisexual world- but still, that community is lacking their ellen, the voice of reason to accurately depict who bisexuals are.

in my social circles we most certainly have our bisexuals, but within that circle are different tiers. you have your stereotypical party bisexuals, the straight girls who like to come and dip their toes in the gay waters but make an exit prior to actually doing anything (aside from stirring up a shitstorm). then you have your pitstop bisexuals, those who arent yet comfortable being out completely and thus this is their halfway point. the last level of bisexuals are those who are legitimately everything they claim to be- they love both men and women, and thats that.

most level-headed lesbians have no issue with those who identify as bisexuals, in fact most of the girls i know have even slept with a bi or two- so wheres the disconnect? how can we as a community preach acceptance and tolerance and still hold onto our own personal prejudices? why is there a stigma surrounding bisexuals, and how can we go about fixing this?

i suppose i should back up a little bit, and explain the stigma of which i speak. a few weeks ago i was talking to fellow queerfaqtor vlogger, chelle, about the downside to bisexuality and pansexuality. she mentioned something that really stuck with me- lesbians are ok with a bisexual, as long as shes dating a girl. but when/if she dates a boy, they turn on her. now you know me, i hate generalities and live to disprove them, or at least explain the other side- but i hung my head in shame after that comment. it may not be true for everyone, but i have seen the turn happen first hand.

before i met my dreamboat of a girlfriend, i had talked to a few bisexuals. ok- you caught me- thats a lie...i spoke to one bisexual- we all know im no lady killer. so this one girl and i have had one of those oober-flirtatious relationships. while no one has ever been intimate with the other, we have a close, fun relationship. early on in college, i was enamored by her- long wavy hair, the persona of a hippie, intelligent as all get out. time goes on, she falls for a boy and they live happily ever after. now admittedly, when they first began their love affair, i felt slighted. i was hurt, and took the move as 'man vs woman', instead of her simply following her heart.

i know now not to be so quick to judge, or to in any way think that a bisexual dating a man or a woman has anything to do with a gender power struggle but i still feel bad for my past mistakes. ive seen girls start to date boys and then they are made to feel as if they are selling out, or in some way are less a bisexual because they can so easily hop into the heterosexual waters.

i extend to you my sincerest apologies for my past indiscretions, and misjudging your portion of the community. i hope that some day (as pollyanna-ish as it may sound) we can all get along, and try to really understand where we all are coming from.
i hope someday, we can all just be lesbifriends!!

ultimately, we are all rolling around this crazy world together, we might as well try to get along while we are doing it. so your bisexual friend wants a little wang chung in her life, to each his own my friend! whats that you say? a bisexual wants to be taken seriously and not a punchline in a catchy katy perry single?? you got it! (not that i can actually make that happen, but ill try my darnedest for you little lady!) woah, a bisexual that actually dates both men and women!? no longer shall it be shunned, at least not in my presence!


  1. Can I just say..... Thank you. I really do wish more people would come to a similar realization. There is a continuum in all things including the one of bisexuality and where you fall on that continuum is not really up to you. Sure, the party girls who kiss girls to get a guy annoy the ever-living hell out of me, but hey. They're doing what works for them and until there's a greater societal change of openness and acceptance those girls are doing what they think they have to. It's an overall sad situation and it's no easy fix.

    That's my ramble for the day.

  2. "lesbians are ok with a bisexual, as long as shes dating a girl. but when/if she dates a boy, they turn on her."

    Right. So that was that. Was worried I had bad breath, or something.

    ; )

  3. I have a question for you, actually. What are your thoughts on a bisexual that has hooked up with four times her age in women...to a notorious level in some circles...someone who people originally considered more of a pitstop bisexual, turns to men, pretty much entirely, for years? Like serial dates men, and is now most likely getting married to one?

    (I'm actually not referring to myself here. heh.)

  4. Someone gets it! Thank you, thank you, thank you.

  5. @thegirlleastlikelyto- i get you!! =)

    @hannah- hell if i know, but she does sound like a lot of fun. im sure the root of her lady liaison had to do with the fact that lesbians are at low risk of HIV infection, unplanned pregnancy and becoming infected with stds. right..like i said, 'hell if i know'.

  6. I agree, Ashleigh. Bisexuals are queer allies and even if they end up in a heterosexual relationship (which I would argue most do) they are still very much a part of the LGBT alliance.

    For you bisexuals/ people on the fence about your sexuality, google "Sushi/Hot Dog Dilemma" and take the quiz to help determine your sexuality. There are a number of ways of testing your sexuality but I think most bisexuals can agree that they're simply attracted to a person regardless of their sex organs.

  7. That's exactly how I felt when I started dating Andrew. At the same time I just wanted to get away from the drama. I really love Andrew and I still find women attractive and he appreciates it. I dated a girl and loved her and she broke my heart. I'm always open with my sexuality and people can call that greedy or slutty but I don't care. I'm just following my heart. So what if I marry a man, it's who I love, not the sex that they are.

  8. lol laela, you have known me for how long and you are going to give me the 'leigh' title??

    and i dont think that MOST bisexuals end up in heterosexual relationships. i think that there is a portion of bisexuals who do end up in relationships with men, but theres also a huge portion of girls who end up with girls as well.

  9. oooo my b! i really do know that your name is Ashley* (Apacowayner). About bisexuals inevitably ending up with guys or girls- you're probably right, i made a generalization. just from my personal experience, every bisexual i know is happily paired up with a guy for whatver reason

  10. Thanks Ashley

    I have been bi identified since I came out in high school.

    It is great that someone like yourself is really committed to allegiance between lesbians and bi women. Unfortunately my experience as a bi woman in the "queer" community has been a willingness to accept my help on joint issues, but an accusation of manipulation or "jumping on the coat tails" if I push for meaningful bisexual inclusion or visibility within the community, especially where there are differences.

    @ Laela, I disagree that most bi women end up with men - even if statistically there are more men interested in women than there are women interested in women. It is about who someone falls for, and the dynamics of the relationship as to whether it will work. After having my heart broken by women (one of which freaked out when I was honest about having had a very casual male f*buddy, who I was prepared to give up for her) I happened to fall for a bi man and had a lengthy relationship, but half way through he transitioned to being a woman. The relationship ended not because she was a woman, but because I did not like the kind of person she turned out to be. I am now in a relationship with a lesbian.

  11. i think apacowayner's right. I feel sort of ashamed when im with a guy because i feel like im betraying the "community" or something. I like girls and guys the same but there's definetly this stigma in the gay community to 'choose a side'. its really lame.

  12. Nope, not anywhere near the official release sadly. But personally I don't really see why it couldn't be enabled. Very conservative release policy I guess.

  13. is anyone bisexual?i need some sexual interaction