Thursday, December 10, 2009

living off the gay grid

living off the gay grid
every lesbian needs a gang

it has come to my attention that not every lesbian rolls deep. sure, almost the entirety of my social structure is comprised of lesbians (aside from my coworkers); and sure, 90% of those women i associate with on a regular basis have made some sort of sexual contact with another woman i know; but thats not the case for countless lesbians out there. there is an entire sect of lady lovers that are missing out on the glory that is the daily goings-on in the lesbian world. there are some lesbians whos only contact with lesbians is THEIR OWN GIRLFRIEND! blasphemous, i say. generally these girls are either in areas where the gay scene is lacking, they work in a closeted environment and/or are still in the closet themselves, or they just like straight people more. lately, ive been talking to more and more lesbians that are 'living off the gay grid'.

simply 'living off the grid' is when one lives in a self-sufficient manner without using any sort of public utilities. 'living off the gay grid', is when a gay isnt involved in the community and has very little contact with other gays. i once lived off the gay grid- shocking, i know, considering now im swimming in gay-infested waters. when i was first coming out i had no idea where to turn. it wasnt that i was shunned by my hetero peers- in fact all of my friends were incredibly supportive, i just needed to surround myself with like minded people. i needed some gay enablers up in my life!

i started out befriending a lot of flamboyant gay men, they were easy enough to spot. we got along well (read: they laughed at my jokes which i loved, and i let them dress me up which they loved) this then evolved slowly into what i now have, which is a life rich in gays. i never really counted that as one of my blessings until i began to talk to people who didnt have the same situation. now, let me be sure to clarify- i love heterosexuals, hell, i love people in general. i think there is so much that can be learned from every single individual out there- we all have stories and lessons socked away in the back of our minds that are just waiting to come out and be shared with the world. but there is something to be said for being around those who love the same sex as you do. a comradery, a brotherhood (or sisterhood as it were), a bond, is shared between those in the LBGT community- its something that should be treated with respect.

i know i complain from time to time about 'lesbian drama' or how gays treat eachother, but deep down i wouldnt trade my life for the world. i absolutely love being saturated in lesbians and bisexuals (truer words were never spoken, but literal and figurative) and i love being a lesbian. i love being involved in whats going on in the community, i love fighting for my rights arm and arm with likeminded people, goddamnit- i just love being gay.


  1. this is a really interesting post. i guess i'm one of those girls living off the grid. i only basically appear on the grid come pride time in the summer, and recently, at the gay march a month or so ago. how does one get into the grid? it kind of sucks getting funny looks from my hetero friends when i talk about my girlfriend. it's not that they're not comfortable or used to it, i guess it's a matter of not being able to relate.

  2. This is so true. My ex-girlfriend and I recently fought over the fact that she was so sick of the lesbian drama in our circle of friends that she decided "fuck it, I'm gonna go hang with the heteros". This pissed me off not because I have a problem with straight people, I live in a college dorm and all of my best friends here are straight, but because she turned her back on all of us. Lesbian drama happens. You can't really help it when you're friends start to look appealing haha. I wouldn't trade it for the world though. I love having a group of friends that understand everything I'm going through. Straight friends really just aren't enough.

  3. I'm just trying to figure out what my sexuality is after seven years of unhappy marriage. I was in New York recently and secretly got uber-excited every time I was hanging out with anyone I thought was gay. But I have no idea how I would go about finding a group of lesbian friends or even if I should right now while I'm dealing with my marriage (we've been separated all of a few weeks, with no clear idea of whether we're headed toward reconciliation or divorce).

    I shared my same sex attraction with a lesbian friend who I had developed a crush on and she told me all sorts of hurtful things:
    1. she thought I was romanticizing gay life rather than dealing with my marriage.
    2. She thought I was romanticizing sex --that life could be lived without good sex and that my bad sex life was just a part of marriage.
    3. That I was exploring my same sex attraction more than dealing with my marriage, which is what I should be doing.

    Other folks have been supportive, but I still feel really burned by these remarks, and they're making me question every thing I think when I think about sex. I also don't know how to figure myself out sexually in isolation, and yet I feel like that's sort of what I have to do.

    Glad to find your blog today. Gave me a bit of joy.

  4. wow- to the last anon. poster. funny you should mention this. i have a very good friend of mine who recently left her husband after several years of marriage (and something like over 5 years dating prior to that) and came out as a lesbian.

    first off- you friend does have valid points. but i think if you were to really ask yourself, 'i am i running from this marriage and i see being gay as a way out' or 'is this something i have been suppressing and would like to see where it goes'. if you went through some sort of counseling by yourself i think you would find more enlightenment.

    i think that you most definitely need to explore that side, but dont put all of your eggs into one basket. gays still have the same problems heteros do. i think that if you personally feel like the marriage is done thats what matters. you need to remember your voice right now, its easy when you are confused to almost regurgitate every opinion given to you- listen to your heart (as trite as it sounds)

    anon #2- im not trying to make a big divide btwn gays and heteros but there is something to be said for the fact that there is a comfortableness about being around those who understand. with that said, i know of a few girls who came out and now date boys- i think they still understand the lbgt community..even though they now identify as 'straight'

  5. I am most certainly living off the gay grid. I am bisexual and still very much in the closet with most people I know. No one in my family knows and very few of my friends really know. I am also engaged to a man. He knew before we decided to start dating that I was indeed bisexual and that I'm both physically and emotionally attracted to other women and he is totally okay with that. He has been very supportive of my bisexuality and couldn't be happier. But there are times when I wonder if I am making the right decision. Yes, I love him. Yes, I'd like to one day have kids with him. But will I wonder what could have been with my ex g/f a few years down the road. That's something I will just have to face because I am not fully involved in the gay community. Where I live, there are hardly any gay community groups or organizations and I attribute that to the huge presence of conservatives in this area. Is there anything I can do to become more socially gay? :P