Friday, December 18, 2009

metrobians

metrobians
yet another reason your gaydar sucks

a little part of me dies when they revise the dictionary year after year; adding words that arent really words, adding incorrect spellings of words just to appease the masses who refuse to spell them correctly (really oxford dictionary? grrl? REALLY?) or arguably our proudest moment as americans- when we straight up make up words and they catch on. metrosexual combines both 'metropolitan' and 'heterosexual' and is now accepted as common verbiage when referring to a fancy straight man.

if you read my blog with any sense of regularity you know that i live for the days when i can be amongst the scholars at the oxford dictionary 'new word finding committee', and i too can make up words- just be-fucking-cause.

so as i was flipping through my mind-rolodex of words, i noted that there was no word to describe a female metrosexual. now im sure most of you will argue that there doesnt need to be a word, as the definition of metrosexual could only refer to a straight man. but my friends, leave it to me to put a fresh, creative, new spin on it. metrosexual can be defined as a straight man who possesses stereotypically homosexual traits. so then, it would make sence for the definition of metrobian to be a straight girl who walks, talks, and acts like a stereotypical lesbot.

metrobians have been popping up all over the place, and im torn at how i feel about this. part of me is overjoyed because it means that the lines that divide us are becoming less and less easy to see, but the overwhelming part of me is frustrated with this because now i have no idea who im allowed to hit on. well, less 'who im allowed to hit on' and more 'who would accept my advances were i both single and had any amount of game when it comes to hitting on other women'. it was already painful enough, what with my horrible gaydar, for me to strike up a convo with a fellow lady lover but now i have a boat of straight girls who are wrapped up in the gayest boxes ive ever seen.

stylistically, i cant blame them- i mean, gay or straight, these chicks look great. the wife beaters, the buddy holly glasses, the scarves, anything from american apparel or urban- there is a science to how these ladies choose appear. imagine if a butch lesbian had a baby with a hipster, then that baby grew up and had a crazy one night stand with the fonz. then the bastard child that popped out of that relationship would be none other than a metrobian. these ladies have the undeniable confidence that comes along with every strong woman. they are cooler than you, and they know it- they are more indie than you, and they know it- they know more than you about lame bands that havent 'sold out to corporate america', and they know it. these girls are also very comfortable slipping in and out of the homosexual scene. normally its easy to peg the typical faghag, but outwardly metrobians appear to be gay and thus hanging with a bunch of homosexuals doesnt raise any red flags. they will flirt with you, they will engage in some witty banter- but dont be fooled, all of this isnt at all indicitive of their sexuality. they are straight, and pretty damn proud generally speaking.

ultimately, i think the idea of metrobians is great (and not because it was born in my brain)! with all joking aside, i do believe that its a great step in a longer stride towards no lines to blur us, or to mar our visions of each other. sexuality shouldnt be something that one can see right off the bat (however, i will admit that there are some gays that look really gay) and maybe if we reach a point where we no longer see sexuality written all over our clothes, then we can all be one big happy family that sleep together*.

*i, of course, mean this in a completely platonic way, as i respect you for your mind and would never ever try to ruin our relationship by crossing a sexy bridge.
furthermore, my girlfriend is the greatest spooner in the WORLD and finally- families shouldnt sleep together.

2 comments:

  1. I have a video for you, and when I'm not at work I will totally find it and send it your way. But those people on the "word committee" are called lexicographers and they get to sit around saying rad things like "and what is the lexicographical significance of the word 'shizzle'?" Not suprisingly, lexicographical is my favorite word. I highly recommend you pull that one out often and publicly.

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