Friday, December 4, 2009

left for ex

left for ex
but not left for dead!
break ups are never a trip in the park; at best they dissolve naturally- at worst they require a restraining order and you are the proud owner of one very broken lamp. but no matter how amicably things are solved there is still that period of mourning where introspection takes place and one attempts to pick themselves up and move along with life. this is generally the time where its both appropriate and encouraged to surround yourself with friends. these friends will then will shower you with a never ending amount of compliments, drinks, or whatever you might need to shake the funk. this is also the time for you to feed yourself the bullshit you might not believe now, but you need to hear. (i am worth something, i will find someone new, i will be fine...) however with all of that said, there is one break up situation thats particularly nasty for one party to recover from. the most difficult post-breakup recovery i had was not only the first time my heart was broken, but when i was left for the ex.

no amount of optimism can really explain away when someone chooses another over you, and thus the recovery time is different for everyone. i remember when i had been dumped in the past it was easy for me to live in the delusional state where you tell yourself, 'it wasnt meant to be, i will survive' but what does one tell themselves when you are left for an ex?? what about an ex that was abusive and
antipathetic to any sort of healthy relationship?

a beautiful friend of mine recently felt the sting of being left for an ex. when my friend and her new girls relationship began to evolve, they were taking it slow. they chose to be cautious as both had been burned in the past, they tried to do everything as safely as possible but as soon as my friend allowed herself to fall- the girl bolted back to the arms of her ex. claiming, 'theres no reason not to be with her. she is a great person.' if you are that on the fence about whom you are going to be in a relationship with perhaps you should be more upfront from the get go.

playing devils advocate, as i often do, could you imagine leaving someone for your ex? when i think hard about it, i feel as if i have done something close to that before. while ive never left a current relationship for a previous one, i have been casually seeing people who i then essentially turned down for my ex at the time. earlier this year i was really struggling with what to do as it pertained to my love life. my girlfriend and i had separated for a little bit and it was during this time that a girl i had regarded as a friend became more than that. things never really had a chance to fully develop because as time went on, i became riddled with guilt. on the one hand i felt untrue to my ex- whom i still loved, but was very confused as to our future. on the other hand the possibility of something new was enticing, but i couldnt shake the feeling that i was throwing something away prematurely. i tried to be as upfront as possible with everyone involved, as i would have wanted the same respect.

what i do know definitively was that there were no winners in that whole situation. i had a friend, turned more than a friend who felt slighted, hurt, and for a while there- pretty vindictive towards me. then i had an ex, turned current girlfriend, who was thrilled i was back with her, and now sure of our love but who also felt burned by my needing of space and seeking comfort in the arms of another. and then there was little old me who felt like the biggest selfish douche in the world. silver lining to the story is that everything is fine now, as things generally find a way of becoming, but it was very hard for a while.

ill be the first to say that exes have an uncanny ability to make mischief in ones life. the relationship after the relationship can be a great one, but it also can cause unnecessary drama. so what lesson am i trying to impart? none really. it would be easy for me to say, 'dont let your girlfriend associate with her ex' or 'if you are casually seeing someone, make sure the ex is 100% out of the picture', i think we should still go forward with eyes open and a trusting heart. if i had remained jaded after my first big heartbreak, i would still be the emotionally stunted girl i once was. ill give you that heartache hurts (and at times, feels as if your chest has collapsed), but the moral of the story is that we all have the opportunity to dust ourselves off and try, try again!


  1. I find that, yet again, you have reflected some many feelings and past experiences that I have had. Oh how the exes always seem to come back into their victims' life at the most inopportune times to do nothing other than to remind that person that you are still not over her. I have had my fair share of a few of these such instances, and I can only say that it has ended up in heart ache both times. I'd like to say that I am learning to become that better person and realize when I am being played.. but it seems that I always get taken advantage of in the worst of ways. Emotions have always lead a big part in my life, and I have always given everything I can to every relationship.. helping, molding, loving.. In one such relationship I seemed to fail incredibly and I could not get over that fact. She was beautiful, just like they all seem to be.. ya know, the ones that torment a soul the worst. She was a summer love, who had left my side when college came around to say hello again. We left on somewhat good terms and both went our own ways, but I could not get her out of my head.. no matter what I did or where I went. I tried dating other people.. and when I finally found an incredible woman to be in a relationship with, that's when she hit me with something I couldn't let go of. I had felt that I had finally started to get over her too, because of this woman that I found.. but I was wrong. She told me that she wanted to be with me. I made the mistake of believing her, and leaving the other love in the dust. After my desperate attempts and success to spend a weekend with her, she told me that she no longer wanted to be with me because I had "changed". Now, the change she was referring to was my hair and possibly my "I'm not taking anymore of your shit" attitude.. but this is to be expected via what I had gone through in that year (if you knew about it all, I'm sure you'd understand and act the same way as well haha). But anyways, she really broke me.. I still to this day cannot believe how far she pulled me down. It took me a while to pull myself together.. it took me a lot longer to realize that she was no good for me in the first place, and that I was over her. I look back on that and am amazed at how much I have been through.. and how much I let her affect my life. Luckily for me, someone of a much higher caliber than her, has found me.. She loves and adores me.. and I think I cherish this even more than any other relationship because I feel like it's real, and yet my past still haunts me. I'm really hoping that my former loves do not hinder anything with me and my current.. for I think I might completely break. Ya know? But, anywho.. enough of this sad sop.. and oh dear I am so sorry for typing so much for I didn't even realize. haha.

    I hope all is well for you.. and thank you for sharing btw. It has helped me to see some things that I wouldn't let myself before and it's always good to know that I'm not the only one out there with these feelings. :)