Wednesday, September 30, 2009

split shift


the past two weeks ive been covering for a coworker, and thus have been working the split shift. and while i try my hardest not to be a complaining cathy- this shift does nothing but turn me into a sourpuss and somehow has the uncanny ability to give me my period (or at least the pain of it) regardless of whether or not my uterine lining is ready to shed. without fail when my coworker is out, my body reacts accordingly and recoils in pain- cramps ensue! needless to say, it puts me in a fabulous mood- then adding to the misery is the fact that the shifts i work are 445am-9a and 245p-7p..and because i work over 25 miles from my work, thats over 100 miles im driving in one day alone.

so let me just get this last ounce of complaining out of my system..
~ im full of snot, my body aches, and i feel feverish.
~ i wake up at 315am for work, as an insomniac who is normally shutting her eyes around 4am- this schedule is brutal, and generally means i am getting no sleep.
~ my ovaries are playing tricks on my mind- fucking fertile ass organs.
~ i found out that our union helped us out by instituting 10 company furlough days, and docking an entire paycheck. (thrilled this announcement comes just after we get solid numbers on the economy 'turning around', also after we have already had 2 pay cuts this year)
~ i have a hangnail but with skin on my thumb. whats that, a hangskin? i just think balls with that term- were you thinking that too? no? you are. hangskin. haha
~ while im sure i have a simple touch of a cold, my first thought this week was 'sweet! ive got swine'...nothing is trendier than designer illnesses, and one with the threat of death- well thats just edgy as hell now isnt it!?

alright- now that those negative thoughts are out of me, forgive me for slacking on my posts this week. now aside from the aforementioned reasons, i also moved this weekend- no, not that move but the 'another paycut? for real? mom and dad werent SO hard to live with i suppose, and its only a few months' move.
oh i swallowed a big ol' pill called pride this weekend, and washed it down with a shit ton of delicious leftovers made with love by my mother.
ill take their overbearing ways in exchange for a homemade batch of chicken broccoli cheese anyday!

i feel incredibly scattered on this shift, but with the amount of snot thats free floating around my brain i suppose thats not shocking.

im going to do a power hour with nyquil- coma here i come!

Monday, September 28, 2009

cure for lesbianism: heels!

its time to 'get heeled'

a few months ago i stumbled across a website that had my jaw on the floor. now we have all seen the websites that are set up solely to bash gays, what we stand for, and those who support us. furthermore, we all are aware that there are still a lot of narrow-minded folks out there who have issue with who we are fundamentally- but a reality show that bashes gays?
you have GOT to be shitting me.

now before you don your best 'i am lesbian, hear me roar' political activism t-shirt, let me stress that i could not verify the validity of the show. i found it mentioned on two websites, both of which seemed a bit suspect at best- but personally, valid or not, this show is horribly offensive and is worth taking note of.

butch lesbians everywhere, i come bearing great news!! you can be
HEELED! yes, you have been afflicted for much too long with the lesbian curse (im sure you are also practicing witchcraft and trying to convert unsuspecting young ladies into the heathenish world that is homosexuality) its time now to 'be a girl again'! it must be rough dressing like a boy all the time, you are most likely ostracized, and probably hate yourself. thankfully this new reality show is here to save you- its here to make you not only a pretty girl, but a pretty straight one!
jesus christ- typing that nearly made me vomit on myself.

be that as it may- thats the premise of a new show entitled, 'i want to be a girl again: get heeled'.
the title alone brings me to my first issue with the program. really? get 'heeled'? how stereotypically witty of you! the makers of this shows miraculously managed to offend both femmes and butches with that one. the femmes are offended as not all girly dykes wear heels,
fuck- not even all straight women wear heels, a shoe type in no way denotes your gender. the butchies were obviously offended as the whole point behind the show is to not only force these women into a society manufactured box, but also to 'convert' them to heterosexuality. its pretty depressing to know that people like this still exsist- people who honestly believe that homosexuality can be 'cured'.

on the casting calls website, the show quoted a nameless person: 'i know a young girl who was living as what is considered a butch lesbian. frustrated with feelings of isolation and regret, she shared with me that she no longer wanted to live as a lesbian, but she didn't know how to transition.....back to a girl again. "

now, perhaps im a bit hasty in my leap to 'incredibly offended'- trying to play devils advocate i will say that life isnt easy being gay. im sure that many girls have felt isolated, and may even question their sexuality as a whole. butch or femme, we all have gotten shit for who we are. but the fact remains, 'i want to be a girl again' is just too fucked up for me.

when i came out, it wasnt easy. i think its rare to find a coming-out story that is without struggle. i know for years i battled with the thought, 'but i dont look gay'. i certainly heard that enough, but then i realized id rather look how i want, and be who i want versus living a lie. but what got me to that point was not self-actualization, or a big epiphanal moment. no, it was simply being surrounded by supportive people; people who knew i wasnt insane, or immoral, or flawed. people who honestly wanted the best for me, regardless of what that outcome was.

the makers of this show clearly have an agenda to push- ridding the world of those pesky butch girls.
i know it seems obvious to ask, but why?
why make a show to change people fundamentally??
because they are gay? so what. you wont get infected.
because their look is offensive to you? i think your new cardigan set from talbots is atrocious but your lack of taste is not an issue that is worth me addressing. do you babygirl.
because 'they want help'? if you really wanted to help someone, perhaps giving them the proper support and guidance would be a good move.

if i ever see this show, or i hear more of it moving forward in production- you bet your dykey
strap on my gay ass will be supporting my butch sisters. you mess with one, you mess with us all. lesbians are not to be fucked with, we have both brute strength and the political awareness to GET SHIT DONE.

finally, whoever you are- whatever you look like- dont let ignorant people get you down. its not worth your energy being nasty back towards them, because at the end of the day they will still be a rude, ignorant, hateful person...
and you are fucking their hot daughter.
lesbians ftw.

Friday, September 25, 2009

post from a previous time

posts from
a previous time

i was going through some of my old writings the other day, and found a piece that really struck me. i wrote it earlier this year when i was going through a rough patch, in fact i did a lot of writing during what seemed like an extended period of shitty situations. i know some friends right now are dealing with tough times and i thought maybe my words from the past could give some others a bit of clarity as well:

"Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music."
-Angela Monet

everyone as of late has been giving me their advice. not completely unwarranted i must say- but some has been completely unsolicited.

and with all this flurry of words, this storm of ideas, this tidal wave of beliefs- ive come to the conclusion that while everyone has an opinion, none of them really matter. sure its always reassuring to have everyones support, but sometimes you have to go it alone. ask yourself for advice- youd be surprised at how smart you are.

oscar wilde once said,
“Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.”

when i read that, its as if a wall in front of me turned into a doorway. *BOOM* just like that.
im not a complete lemming. i certainly am an individual in many respects- but when it comes to peoples emotions i am a pushover.

i will walk out of the house in a lime green hat, yellow pants, bright blue shirt, chucks, and weird wack jewelry and not think twice- but you tell me that something i am doing is hurting you and i will do everything in my power to fix that.

unfortunately, as of late i realized that pain is a necessary part of life. and as much as i try to control other peoples emotions by my adjusting my actions accordingly- im never going to lead the life in my head, where i never wrong anyone and everyone is happy.

people are bound to disagree, people are bound to change- thats the beauty in life. when it hurts so bad, why does it feel so good? (oo sing it lauryn hill) because when you are up it feels like you are on top of the world and nothing will bring you down, and when you are down it feels like the deepest darkest loneliest pit of despair.

the beauty lies in the fact that you know sometimes your up, sometimes your down, but remain true to yourself and beauty will surround you always.

its my life. you cannot fault me for living it my way.

we all only get one go at it- so why would i spend any time at all being held back, or being forced into a box that i cannot realistically live in if i want to achieve my dreams. im sorry if any of my actions hurt you. know that i am human, and i will make mistakes- i will make poor choices- but in the end our choices are all we have.
i made a choice, well several really, and some of them hurt people. but they were MY CHOICES. no one forced me to make them.
those people i have hurt know who i am, and know that inflicting pain on another would have never been my intention- but facts are facts. be it my intention or not ive hurt good people. and im sorry for that.

but i will from this day forth im going to unapologetically live my life.
there is no need to wallow in uncertainty.
im going to make the most of this life- and try to lead a life i can be proud of. sometimes that means putting my happiness over others.

ultimately we all need to lookout for #1, b/c in this life sometimes all you have is yourself.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

random thought #15

  • i came to the realization not too long ago that no one but a homo should be touching my hair. ive been relatively faithful to my current hairstylist, ive only had momentary trysts with other scissor snappers but i always come back to him. i trust him professionally with my hair, but lesbianally he blows.
    he doesnt understand that razor sheers are all he should really need for me
    (if he were to open his doors to more lesbians, perhaps investing in a buzzer would be helpful- knowing how much lesbians love buzz cuts and steps in their hair as of late) he just doesnt get me.
    i know if he were a lady queer, he would know exactly what i mean when i say,
    i want my hair to say 'i flirt with hipsterdom while munching on vag.' i want simplistically edgy lesbian. apparently im speaking japanese
    so it would seem that my problem is easily solved by going to any number of gays i know in the hair industry, but i want someone who speaks my language.
    i just want a hot dyke i trust, choppin at my locks.

  • my boobs as of late have been playing a game with me. they think its adorable to get my hopes up thinking that they are finally- at 22- going through puberty. but alas- its always just a ruse done by my ladies to remind me that my uterine lining wants to shed.

  • recently i saw a friends boobs. normally i would have no problem with this, but shes one of those friends who really is just that and nothing more...but after seeing her nip nops in all of their glory, even when shes fully clothed i see her naked.
    come to think of it- every chick ive seen naked once or twice has that image burned into my mind. so you think im being adorable, paying attention to what you are saying, and giving you great advice- when in reality you are naked as hell in my head.

  • i learned that some lesbians feel so comfortable around other women, they feel its both appropriate and interesting to talk about their periods at the club.
    i disagree.
    i will talk about my shit until you vomit, but you talk about your period (or a yeast infection) and mentally im taking a trip to mars.
    but on the bright side, i learned the flow intensity and duration of an unknown lesbian who was egar to bost about it.

  • i was hovering over the public toilet seat at work 3 days ago and lost my balance.
    in the process my vagina-meat full on TOUCHED the toilet seat. this terrified me, and it has taken until today for me to not to be convinced that i caught AIDs or any number of communicable diseases.

  • phasefest kickoff dance party is tonight, and lets be real- its wednesday, what else do you have going on?
    that was a bit harsh, as im not one to talk- i work most of the time, including nights, so this will be an event i miss out on.
    dont forget that phasefest 2009 is this week! go and be a big ol dyke and get your gay on at any of the events going on throughout the week. check out my previous blog on phasefest.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

to brighten your day

just a lil story
to give you a lil smile

through my facebook stalking, i have come to the conclusion that today my friends need a little pick me up. everyone is downtrodden about being sick
(then, in an attempt to be both witty and topical, they will make a joke about how they have the swine flu or h1n1. which, just to clarify, isnt funny at all- sarcasm doesnt convey well via your status updates, and subsequently you will be seeing a LOT less of your good buddy ashley- b/c this bitch doesnt take chances with the flu) some friends have recently suffered a heartbreak, and others still are just being nasty (aka miss thing is about to be raggin it).
so of course, i see it as my duty to drop a deuce of happiness into their laps.

my girlfriend and i were at cobalt's lure sponsored ladies night this weekend and a girl approached me. she did the
sly saunter over my way- you know, when someone slowly meanders your way and acts as if some random forces just pulled you together (meanwhile, back in reality- said person in all actuality has been eyeing you all night, and just NOW got up enough courage (read: drunk) to say hi.)

so this beautiful, tall young woman walks up to me and tries to strike up a conversation. my girlfriend was close behind me and thus i felt no harm in making a new friend. contrary to popular belief, you can be friends with someone with whom you know sex is not an option. some recoil around those in relationships saying 'we cant just be friends'...fuck that noise- own your actions, not cheating is not hard, dont be hatin on my shit.

but i digress- we chit-chat, and the typical 'first bar/club' conversation ensues. how are you; are you having a good time; what are you drinking; do you live in the know the drill. although this girl wasnt playing nice at all. see conversations work best when they bounce back and forth between both parties- girlfriend missed that memo. i would ask a question, she would answer- no, no thats it. you arent waiting for more to accompany that sentence, it just would stop. then start. then stop. kind of like when i try and drive stick shift and cant even get the car turned on.

the conversation somehow managed to go on for about 5 mins, it was at this point that my girlfriend noticed the girl i was talking to and she introduced herself. (of course this was only AFTER putting her arms around my waist and holding me tight. now before you roll your eyes and say aww please remember, shes only doing as she is programmed- lesbians with girlfriends ALWAYS piss on their territory when other females are around) turns out, my girlfriend knew the girl. i couldnt help but laugh because shocker you find two random lesbians in a city- by law they are GOING TO KNOW each other somehow.

so, what made this seemingly mundane encounter one that i felt the need to blog about?
BITCH WAS CAUGHT IN A LIE and it was amazing.
normally, you will find i dont enjoy others in pain. im terribly empathetic and am constantly 'putting myself in others shoes', but this is one of those few times i had to sit back and watch the train wreck.

during the conversation the girl mentioned that she knew sign language, this peaked my interest as i took ASL for 4 years back in high school.
*enter my girlfriend*
'oh you know sign language?' the girl nods in the affirmative.
'but you arent deaf, right?' girl giggles, then says 'no'.
my girlfriend is glorious for an infinite amount of reasons, but she really rose to the occasion in this situation. some people fear confrontation, and because of that, generally dont call people out when they are feeding you bullshit- not my girl, she keeps it real.
'ah, because the last time i met you- you told me you were'

WHAT?! jackpot. all downhill from here.
the girl tries first to deny that she would ever pretend to be handicapped.
she could tell we werent buying it, as i began laughing hysterically.
danielle then began to recount the story as it actually occurred. apparently this girl had talked to a friend of hers, and being a good lesbian team player- she scoped the girl out and tried to engage in some light banter in hopes of giving her friend more information.
the girl ignored my lady, then signed that she was deaf, and refused to talk to danielle AND the friend that she was trying to holler at.

moral of the story- dont say you are handicap when you arent, for someday when you least expect it the chick you blew off will find out and she will either be horrified and embarrassed that you felt the need to lie (by saying you are handicap, no less) to get out of talking with her, or she will chuckle a bit thinking, sucks to be you right now.

to those of you having a shitty day- hang in there, things will get better; one of my favorite quotes, 'theres a crack in everything- thats how the light gets in' always brings me comfort.
to those of you who were recently dumped- i know you are hearing a lot of 'aw, fuck your ex' but i know deep down you just want to hear when the hurting will stop. i cant tell you that, but ill hold your little hand while you cry.

Monday, September 21, 2009

post dinosaurs

post dinosaurs
life will never be the same

well i have some great news!
i did not get arrested on my trip to 'walking with dinosaurs'. which was shocking, considering my girlfriend and i, and one adult couple (who swapped their dignity out with matching dinosaur hats..and of course i was jealous of them for it) were the only adults their not accompanied by children.
perhaps i underestimated the appeal of dinosaurs with children,
perhaps i was a bit overzealous in my belief that other dino-enthusiasts would come out in droves, but most of all i was crazy to think i was going to be able to keep cool throughout the show.

we arrive a little bit after the show is first started, which ended up being a huge blessing as i think children can be fun- but hoards of them, in a large venue, with minimal parental supervision may in fact be a nightmare for me. im not a huge fan of large crowds that are tightly packed, and large short crowds that are hopped up on caffeine is a panic attack waiting to to mention its flu season.

we shimmy into our seats, which were absolutely perfect. we were in the center of the action, and we were bookended by two adults- sure they had children, but they were a seat or two away from me and thus out of my reach.

now i didnt get arrested for assaulting a child in a fit of joy, but- agh, this is humbling to admit, but i did cry. no biggie.
haha, yah, i dont even think i can let that slide. who the fuck cries at a dinosaur show ashley?! well now in my defense it was a spectacular show, i was moved by the magnitude of the dinosaurs that they had recreated. the information presented in the show was accurate and entertaining to me- even if it was geared towards eight year olds.
now, the tears- while regrettable, dare i say pathetic- were valid.

i was beyond excited for this show, i dont think anyone would argue that. i think most of my friends felt as if i didnt see the show they would consider a swift cuntpunch to shut me up. no one was more privy to my excitement than my girlfriend. she put in some serious 'you are going to owe me for this later' time this weekend. you see, before the show i forced danielle and my sister to go to my favorite thrift store to browse around. my girlfriend loves many things, but i dont think thrifting is something that ranks high to her. my sister and i have a system- it involves essentially looking at everything- which can take a long time. i digress, we walk in and as if sent down from heaven- what should be staring at me?? a dinosaur costume?! you mean the one ive been dreaming of?! and its only $4.50!?! PINCH ME!

so this weekend was most defiantly a fruitful one.
not only did i SEE dinosaurs, but now i can be one.
dream big people.

Friday, September 18, 2009

dinosaur eve


dear faithful blog readers;

brevity is key with this post, as i fear it could be my last.
you see, tomorrow i may be arrested, jailed, and were we still under bush policies- perhaps locked up in guantanamo.

a dream is coming true for me shortly- im going to
'walking with dinosaurs' saturday evening. now i understand that it sounds pretty lawful. it would seem as if i couldnt get into a great deal of trouble there unless i tried. so whats to fear ashbash?

i am riddled with worry because i found out just recently that the shows intended audience is 8 years old and up. now im ok with children, i have no issue being cordial with them- hell i was a sports camp counselor for years but i also know im excitable.

i know myself, and i know how passionate i am about a select few things- dinosaurs being paramount. i also know that i am not afraid to admit, i shed a few tears of joy upon hearing the news that my mother had surprised my girlfriend and i with tickets to the show...and not only tickets, but good tickets. i scouted out my seats online, and shits bangin. im not sure when my dinosaur love evolved, but ive always been fascinated by those giant fellas. i mean, think about it- creatures that ruled this planet over 200 million years ago are selling out arenas with their likenesses in 2009. that is insane. and theres a bit of compassion one feels for an animal whos name means 'terrible lizard'.

so- back on track, me + children + lifesize dinosaur recreations = possible jailtime. i know what happens when i get really excited. i tend to get a little enthused, agh ok- thats putting it lightly. im terrified im going to punch a child in the face in order to get closer to a brontosaurus. im scared shittless i might elbow an 11 year old if he tries to get the dino memorabilia i want. im nervous i might just toss a baby into the belly of a tyrannosaurus-rex were he to be hungry. its shameful to admit that i may in fact, loose my shit at this show. i cannot wait!!

i think the more depressing part, is that ive been to concerts and shows before and nothing has gotten me as excited as this. admittedly when i saw muse for the first time, it was as if i had seen the face of baby jesus himself, but i wasnt worried about stomping a kid. i was fearful i would be stomped when i went to a killswitch engage + dragonforce concert- but that shit was on me because i wore a paisley shirt, and amidst the sea of black band thrift-store-tees i didnt stand a chance.

so, my mission tomorrow night:

  • do not urinate or defecate on yourself
  • do not touch any children, in any way- any sort of contact while dinos are present could result in the ol' get the fuck outta my way shove to the side
  • do have the time of your life
  • do not cry (i feel the need to stress this, as im almost positive i will cry)

so long my lady loves, i wish you a tremendous weekend, and i shall let you know how my trip back in time goes.

warmest regards,

Thursday, September 17, 2009

its just a number

high or low
whats your number?

it should come as a shock to no one that lesbians like to get it on- alot.
why? well, if you have ever seen a woman naked (yourself included, you sexy little minx) you have all the answer i really need to give. if thats not enough for you, remember- we CANNOT get pregnant by accident. such the anomaly, us lesbians.
we are the only women who, on paper, are fertial as rabbits, and yet- no spawn is unintentionally crawling out of our snatchboxes! its as if we were born and bred to get it on.
so- we have that in our corner.

now ill play a little devils advocate and admit, that like our hetero counterparts, lesbians dont all just fit one mold. i suppose its only fair to mention that while a great deal have overactive sex drives, that more still- do NOT. and then there is a handful that have had it up to HERE with women and are now asexual.
((fyi)) if you hear a lesbian say, 'fuck it, im asexual' it means one of two things: (1) some charming young woman has broken her heart/she is finding it difficult to locate a ladylove, (2) she is in fact, asexual.

but regardless of your libido, there is always the question of 'whats your number' gay or straight?
ive always been shy about my number- not because ive slayed thousands of ladies, but quite the contrary, and furthermore i just dont think its anyones business how many people ive been with. unless you are my gyno, best friend, or lover- it is not necessary for you to be privy to that information.

this topic came up during a game of kings once- i was called out by number. surrounded by a circle of friends, i began to defend my low numbered sisters. questions began to flow:

but if you havent slept with a lot of people, how do you know what you are doing?
if doesnt matter if you ride one bike or 45 all your life, you still know how to ride- you still knows what feels good. furthermore, i dont think its a stretch to note that mounting a handful of bikes in ones lifetime, can still be as gratifying (if not more so) than trying them all.

people learn from their partners, if you have a smaller pool to draw from- wouldnt that imply you know less?
well, first and foremost let me direct you to this fabulous invention called the internet. it has an incredible amount of porn for anyone to draw on- even you! i dont care if you have slayed all of the girls on campus, or have slept with one for the past four years- there is a porn out there that will teach you something new. you may not enjoy it at all (read: some people have bizarre fetishes) but you WILL learn something.
and beyond that- let us not forget the old addage- quality over quantity, my ladies.

i know what this boils down to isnt slut vs prude, its a basic matter of preference.
i understand where one would find a life of new adventures and new women insanely attractive. to just walk into a bar, and leave with a new girl- wow, thats some skill.
some skill i dont have mind you.
but lets say for arguments sake, i did have the gift of game. lets assume i havent high fived someone after sex, lets assume im smooth. even if all of those things were true, i still wouldnt have it in me to sashay my way over to a new friend, buy her a drink, then tell her
'hop in my cruiser baby, the ride with me lasts all night'
this shit would never occur for a bucket full of reasons, first being that pickup line is ri-goddamned-diculous.

if a girl did want to get into my pt cruiser willingly- thats a shock. have you seen my minihurse?? i love my car more than i should, but im also realistic enough to know that most people regard my car as a lame one...the benefits of a lame car? even cops think im lame as hell, and let a sister roll on by- ill live with that trade-off.

and even if i got the girl in my car, she would be horrified to find that i really am in love with dinosaurs. my car has no less than 3 dinosaur figurines in him at a time, i could not explain to you as to WHY i need them all around me, but i have long lonely rides to work- DONT JUDGE ME!

finally, i often refer to my car in a personified way (walter). ive always had these relationships with my cars. and while most who get to know me find that endearing, i fear a stranger would feel more oh my fucking lord this chick is ape shit, and fuck im locked in her spacious yet not at all luxurious vehicle..oh god- shes playing indie acoustic music- is she trying to set the mood? what is the deal with all of her nicely organized shit? sweet baby jesus- hand sanitizer, 48 pens, 2 pads of paper, a toothbrush, wtf a FORK!? this crazy is prepared! fucking child saftey lock. thankfully she looks scrappy so i think i could take her if i needed to escape.

i just cant do the nameless, faceless type of thing. it goes without saying the chief reason for this is i am in a committed relationship, and thats a bond i have and would never break (i would be stupid to, i have my dream girl, and on her chest are my dream titties). but all of that aside, there is something to be said for the warmth of a partner you have been with several times over- you begin to learn eachothers bodies and rhythms- you cater the act to their needs.
i cant exactly speak on behalf of the opposing view- although i can see its perks (did anyone instantly think nipple? no? just me? fair enough.)

again- its all about preference. i prefer to know who im sleeping with. i know- its crazy, its irrational, its different- but i like to remember those im with, too. i think back on the people i have been with, and each one was incredibly special to me..even if it only happened one time. i dont regret any of them or any thing that we shared- and i never will.

but what irritates me like no other is when people think that their opinion or life choice is boss. ((im really trying to make "boss" come back- bear with me until its popularity skyrockets again)) you might have sex with a lot more girls than me, but we are still both beautiful ladies- so why the anger?
its established- i dont like getting naked with strangers. im not in any way saying that munching mad ladies is wrong, its just not what i do. i DO think its wrong when people call those girls sluts. slut is an awful term to throw around, and frankly it makes you look ugly hating on people. have i ever used the word- most certainly. but i think that intent is very powerful when placed behind words. just as when a homosexual sees another homosexual and a sexual slur is blurted out (fag, gay, homo, flamer..) its not offensive, as long as no ill intent comes along with those words.

so to my low numbered ladies, fear not-
you are not alone. there is no shame in it. ill sit right next to you and hold your hand, b/c its clear im not having sex with you. we can sit and chitter chat about monogamy and porn. we can nod in unison when a striking woman who we would like to sleep walks by, but then stand and grab the hand of that whom we love.
to all my ladies who are straight up KILLING other females- GET IT GIRL! if you would like to send me photos of each and every conquest you make unsheathed, go right ahead!

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

phasefest 2009


so, its wednesday and that means we are mere baby steps away from the weekend! if you are looking to have fun NOW versus LATER, you are in luck!!

next week is a big one for DC lesbians b/c phasefest is back for its 3rd annual PHASEFEST QUEER ARTS & MUSIC FESTIVAL! this year it is sponsored by sol cerveza, dos equis, red bull, and the washington blade.
so let me get this straight (or gay- ahaha, RIMSHOT! it was too easy, im sorry) its sponsored by beer, the energy drink that is paired perfectly with liquor, and the source of DCs gay news? well HOT DAMN! how does that NOT sound like the perfect recipe for lesbionic fun?

all of the events take place at phase 1 lounge, which is located at 525 8th street se, washington dc. there is street parking, and i wont lie- every time i go to phase i somehow luck out and get sweet parking, but thats not always the case. i suggest taxi, as you will most likely be leaving this party wasted.

phase 1 itself is a rad club- or lounge, as it were. ive been their numerous times and i think that the most attractive feature about this club is every time i have been there, its been crawling with women. i have no problem with seeing other people, but it is nice to walk into a club and have a sense of belonging right off the bat. arguably i could be the only one who feels that sense of closeness, but who the fuck cares- take a couple more shots im sure you will want to be my friend too!

the staff that i have met there are always very welcoming, friendly, and gay as hell. the manager, angela lombardi does an amazing job of always having the events that girls wanna go to.
i mean, you would be insane to NOT want to go their events that range from jello wrestling to 'slut night'...yah- lesbian WRESTLING, its just as hot and fun as it sounds.

the performing lineup is as follows:
  • thursday september 24th
    bitch, good asian drivers, omega band, nancy eddy, natalie e. illum, tiik w/ guts, nikki smith

  • friday september 25th
    partyline, the shondes, andrea gibson, shira girl, mzery loves company, belladonna, sarah azzara, alex voegele

  • saturday september 26th
    the cliks, hunter valentine, boyskout, athens boys choir, DC kings, bellafea, rad pony, clinical trials, DC gurly show, magazupakes, mrs. robinson and odd girl out
anything else you might be interested to know:
  • "Phasefest is an annual Queer music and arts festival dedicated to the development, exposure and interaction of queer and queer-allied musicians and artists, both national and international. Musicians, crafters, artists, performance artists, activists and comedians are among the creative individuals supported by Phasefest. Phasefest seeks to offer the greater mid-Atlantic area the opportunity to experience a unique community-oriented festival fostered by the independent and free-spirited punk roots planted in Washington DC so many years ago."

  • "The festival will kick off Thursday evening at 7pm and culminate late Saturday night with a performance by The Cliks, an internationally touring Queer band with an FTM lead singer. Other headlining performers include Bitch, Partylin, Boyskout, Hunter Valentine, Athens Boys Choir and The Shondes. Admission is $15 each night for Thursday, Friday, and Saturday is $20 or a festival pass may be purchased for $45 which also includes a Free Concert poster. All festival attendees must be 21 years of age."

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

its beginning to look a lot like halloween

trick or treat
your costume < my costume
halloween is one of my favorite occasions!
it is an honest holiday in that its one of the few celebratory days that doesnt hypocritically try and claim 'its all about the spirit of this day, the money generated doesnt matter' (yah valentines day, and christmas- im talking to YOU)
halloween almost shouts to us all- BUY CANDY, BUY A COSTUME, BUY BLOOD, BUY, BUY, BUY! to most young women, halloween means buying the sluttiest outfit one can find, and going as some type of generic profession+ slut (slutty nurse, slutty teacher, slutty construction worker, slutty get the idea)

being the unique little gem that i am, ive never embraced social norms on this holiday- in fact, i always try to have the costume that makes everyone say, 'oh ashley..only you.' here are some of my favorites over the past few years:
last year i was enraged when i could not find an adult dinosaur costume, nor could i make one in enough time to go to my former employers 'boo bash'. so i went to target and bought a little boys spiderman costume, cut it in half, and wore the mask on my crotch most of the night. the gentlemen behind me is, for all intensive purposes my brother. but he also has been having sex with my sister for the past 7 years, and thus is her common law husband.
this was one of my favorite (and most mainstream outfits) to date. why?
my a-cups LOVED the padding that made me appear to be a solid b-cup. hooray for small miracles.
sidenote: why yes that is a bulldog in a cactus costume tattooed on my ribs. im epic.

this was also last year- my sister and i thought it would be fun to be a matching set for this particular party. cowboy and indians. how cute. this was the first time i bought and wore a standard slutty outfit, but of course spiced it up with the stach..i also hid alcohol in my holsters which made the night infinitely more fun. b/c while yes- i rarely drink, when i do, i do it very well.

oh man, this was a great year. i really wanted to be a lamp. but rather than wear a lamp shade on my head, i thought a dog anti-itch cone would be better. why? that i still dont know, i think at the time i claimed something about it fitting my head better- and that i could write on it.
not that it matters, but the whole costume was based on that ridiculously tacky dress.
i saw it at the thrift store and fell in love. who wouldnt be mesmerized by all those sequins and the deliciously dated shape of the dress.
i felt like a million bucks, and all the people i didnt know at the party thought i was ape shit.
mission accomplished.

this was my least politically correct move, but i still standby it with all my heart. so steve irwin died in the beginning of september, and by the end of october i was paying homage via my halloween costume.
actually, this was for a 'fallen heroes' party that happened before halloween.
but its never too soon to pay your respects right? anyways- the key to this outfit was the blood was red icing, and b/c of that i was ready for a mid party snack! im always prepared.

so, this year i have to make a strong showing in the creative department.
my most creative costume to date was in high school when i chose to be a 'girl gone wild'.
im sure my parents regard this as one of their proudest moments- i know for sure its in my top ten.
i wore a nude colored tank top, with a tshirt over top that was pulled up exposing the black tape around my boobels that said 'censored'. topping it all off, i was adorned with mardi gras beads. it was one of the simplest costumes ive put together and it most definitely got some interesting stares, and also got me called to the principals office.
i was sat down and asked about my 'flashing the underclassmen'. it was while trying to defend myself that i proceeded to flash the principal to show him what i had been doing- proving how harmless i was. at the time this was a brilliant move, in hindsight- perhaps it was not my most thought out life choice. he simply shook his head and said, 'no more of this after halloween ashley. you never cease to amaze me.'
ill cook up something something great this year, but as per the usual- i will keep it under wraps until my first halloween party.
but what about you? are you not as creative when it comes to all hallows eve? heres a few tips from yours truly to spice up your look!
ideas for you:
  • add a stach to any normal outfit and go as a molester; if thats too testy for your politically correct ass- first off, lighten up douchbag; and secondly- fine, you can go as causal geraldo rivera- thats sure to be a conversation starter if nothing else.
  • think of your two favorite animals, then mash em together- go as an animal hybrid!
    say you like owls and octopuses...then craft yourself some wings, toss eight tubes on your back, and BAM! you are an owlapuss!
    i dont care if you are looking at your computer screen like im on acid- i think this is valid and a genius idea. at least you dont have to worry about someone stealing your outfit.
  • dress in all yellow and put 2 black stripes horizontally across your stomach- INSTANT SPEED BUMP!
  • dressing up as a friend is always a great idea. and by 'great idea' i mean, 'awful, terrible idea but will be incredible to watch for other partiers'...see i had a few friends who thought doing a little swap with clothes would be great and simple for halloween, problem being they both were bitchy and caddy and it turned into let me find your biggest insecurity and exploit it. it wasnt necessary for one girl to shove 3 pillows in her jeans to showcase the other chicks 'massive thighs', and it wasnt appropriate for the other one to retaliate by drawing a uni brow on her face and a stach in the likeness of the first girl.
    with that said, i did chuckle a little bit while shit was going down.

Monday, September 14, 2009

the confirmation nod

the confirmation nod
you know whats up

so i was out to lunch with my girlfriend at panera, as i am a fan of their grilled chicken caesar salad and the form fitting polos they force the girls behind the counter to wear. as we were walking to go get our drinks i notice a girl behind the counter. when i turned to look at her she smiled, and i thought to myself,
now thats a friendly little lady. after our meal was complete i went up to the aforementioned girl and asked her for a little to-go box, which she provided, post-haste. after giving it to me, we shared a pregnant pause- as if she was waiting for me to say something more than just 'thank you'..awkward.
but then it all became clear what she was after- when my girlfriend and i walked out, hand-in-hand, the girls smile grew even bigger, she made eye contact
and she nodded

its the classic confirmation nod, ladies.
the simple head gesture that says
'i see what you are doing over there you big lesbians, and i wholeheartedly approve'..and generally in addition to an ally, one can generally deduce that shes a vaggamuffin eater too.

the nod will generally occur in the most innocuous of places; a grocery store, the gas station, a church, hell- a daycare center...just think of a place where being flamboyantly sexual would be a bit inappropriate- gay or straight. it is an exchange that will happen when you least expect it.

the nod however, isnt a fail safe way of determining ones sexual orientation. a very close friend of mine who i met in college down in newport news, is a beautiful bisexual. she told me of a story of when she encountered some lesbians at work. they came in and being in a somewhat small town it wasnt often that she ran into other people in the LGBT community. she mentioned before they left, they turned to her and she gave them the confirmation nod, which that time indicated her support and that she too appreciated the beauty that is a naked woman.

and after chit-chatting with my girlfriend about 'the confirmation nod' she brought up a valid counterpoint- 'ashley, i have never nodded at someone i thought was gay' alright, well- way to completely undermine the VERY point im trying to stress, but it is valid nonetheless. it wont ALWAYS be a nod- some will smile, some will nod, some will wink, i dont think anyone pokes unless on facebook (and even then, its a very odd gesture to make..if a stranger poked me in real life id be inclinded to...uh, maybe yell- b/c to be honest, i couldnt get violent- ill run and holler before i throw a bow.) the
confirmation gesture is the equivalent to a lesbian tip of the hat- and frankly, who doesnt love chivalry?!

this goes back to my firm belief that all gays subconsciously (or completely consciously) are on a carmen-san-diego-like hunt for others like ourselves. i find myself often playing wheres waldo with girls i might even semi think are gay.
please dear lord tell me im not the only one?!
tell me there is someone else who, like me, upon wandering around a new area, whilst seeing fresh new faces, dreams a little dream where most/all of them are lesbians too? perhaps ive just called myself out for day dreaming, or perhaps there is another lesbot like myself?

i guess that means my 'gaydar' is fucked up, or my 'wishes hopes and dreams' meter kicks into high gear and overrides my gaydar. or im over analyzing it.
i digress, i hope that you too are on a constant search for fellow lesbians.

and now we come full circle, back again to
the confirmation nod. be on the lookout for smiles, winks, hat tips, and pokes (from the creeps)- you never know when a lesbian is near.
and you know what else?
every time a bell rings,
a lesbian gets wings*..

and its clear by 'wings' i actually mean 'first piece of flannel, and/or an ani difranco cd or tegan and sara mix'!!

Thursday, September 10, 2009

gay or lesbian

gay or lesbian
who you talkin bout willis!?

i was wandering through my local adult video store the other day, and i came to a horrifying conclusion. as i was skipping along (b/c lets be real, everyone skips in a porn shop, on account of sheer excitability..alright- so its just me who gets giddy around new boobies, whatevs) and i stopped dead in my tracks, i threw it in reverse, i HAD to be lost. i looked up at the sign indicating the section i was in..well, i was indeed in the 'gay' section- so why on earth do i find myself surrounded by only wieners, balls, bears and twinks!?
it was in this moment i realized, lesbians are no longer gay.

thats right ladies, if you are a lesbian- the masses have spoken and apparently when the term 'gay' is used, it no longer refers to you.
at first, i hoped it was just a porn thing..perhaps the lesbian genre had exploded in such a way that it needed its own category, and needed to be separate from the boy gays. that made sense, i could get down with that idea. but NAY MY FRIENDS! have you noticed if you even google image search 'gay', 80% of the photos are of men or flaming queens.

i have no problem with this, but where is our new title?
so, the proverbial 'they' have usurped the term, gay, from us, and rather than be upset, stomp my feet, and start a feminist revolution- instead, i just knock back a few shots of my creative juices. its clear what must be done- its time for a little ashley creativity up in this bitch.

time to make up a new word for the sexual orientation that makes straight girls quiver, hetero boys cower, and makes everyone else- just plain jealous. (now if that isnt THE slogan for lesbianism i dont know what is)

so the first step, is to find all of the terms that are currently associated with being a lesbian. i couldnt just reach into my head and pull out those terms, even though i have an infinite amount of words to refer to the ladypuss lover. for you see, the frustrating part is that most of the time, i make up terms that arent used by everyone (ok- so i am the only one who says half of the shit i say)...for instance, it would not be unreasonable for me to refer to a lesbian as a vagalasuarous (vag-a-la-soar-us), or a dykatron (big dyke, at least 6 foot or better). shockingly, both of those words can not be found in websters.

so i continued my hunt for the perfect word. its gotta have pizazz, personality, and a commanding presence. in order to be better prepared, i began reading up on different slang terms for 'lesbian'. in hopes of mashing them together, in a new hybrid word for lesbian.
can i just say how thrilled i am that i chose to lookup these, very clearly NOT PC words, at work? i came to both some shocking, and horrifying conclusions.

first off, more than one source claimed a 'stud' was a masculine black lesbian. woah, wait, WHAT?? the only reason i have issue with this is b/c i thought that my mormon ex was a stud for years b/c she was just a lil lady who dressed like a lil fella (but still wore mascara and had long hair). i had no idea that RACE was a factor. i thought a stud was a little lesbian, with the heart of napoleon (evverryooonee is a fucking napoleon- 10 points for the ani refrence)

secondly, i learned a few things that were a bit shocking. shocking may be a bit dramatic, but still- i had never heard of a stealth lesbian had you? apparently thats a lesbian who can pass for straight, right ok- that makes sence i guess, but i feel like most lesbians dont look gay unless you put them in a room full of naked ladies and see how they react. if her face falls into another ladies crotch- one could say with some degree of certianty that shes a lil gaybo.

oh and this one made me chuckle- a diesel lesbian is one who is butch as hell and has a truck. yup, thats the entire definition. who knew that you could be a stereotype SIMPLY b/c of your sexual orientation and car make!

then there was the bear dyke (silly me, i thought bears were for boys) which was defined as 'lesbian of especially large build and/or physical prowess'. i dont know why i found that hilarious, but i did.

and then- god bless the unquestionable wisdom of wikipedia, which referred to bisexuals as bi-dykes or simply bykes...really? really bikes? sweet jesus- what is the world coming to.
i call them bisexuals, or sexually fluid ladies. doesnt that sound just a tad sexier than fuckin BYKES?
ladies, after some research, ive found we have been slacking in a major way in the slang department. that devestates me, as i am the type of person who would rewrite the dictionary given the chance, just so i could add an umpf of ashlizm to every single word. but rather than sit here and try to redefine us, i feel it would be more approapriate to embrace it. thats what being gay is all about- accepting who you are and not trying to be something else.

o as much as i wish i could be a vagalasuarous, or a pussinator, or a diesel dyke, or a lesbot- i will stand proudly and say simply and humbly,

i am ashley THE LESBIAN!!

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

facebook sex off

facebook sex off
a fun new way to compete with your ex!

so i know this former couple, both of which are smoking hot, who a while back had a messy breakup. they were together for a couple years, even did the ol' lesbian uhauling.
what are they up to now? they are competing in 'facebook sex off'.
back in the day it was enough to simply show up at a party where your ex would be, while looking absolutely flawless to remind them, 'yah- this sweet kitten in my pants no longer sits on your face nightly.' and that was that. no long drawn out attempts to out do each other, i mean sure- it wasnt uncommon to do the old block them from viewing your facebook, but nothing serious happened. but now, i am witnessing this whole new take on ex revenge.
facebook sex off, now i understand thats not a wildly used term (read: i made it up), but it very much should be a staple in your vernacular. why? b/c if you are not one of the two parties in the competition, you get to reap the benefits via some delicious photographs.
whats involved in the sex off is actually pretty simple- try to out slut your ex. it would seem that post-breakup these two girls both picked up an adorably sexy modeling career, and really kicked up their hard partying. it seems as if, as soon as hottie #1 posts up a new album (that inevitably is chalked full of fun captions such as, 'omg! wasted and lost my shirt!', 'oopsies, how did that random chicks tongue get in my mouth') like clockwork, hottie #2 posts 45 new photos on her wall of her latest photo shoot.
being the unbiased third party (or to call a spade a spade, im just the creepy facebook voyeur) i can say that at my last count they were neck and neck- or boob and boob as it were. im not sure when this is going to end, and quite frankly i hope it never does. i am not at all complaining b/c i see them both and say to myself, 'whoever made you did not fuck up- thats for sure..' more or less im just marveling at how humans work sometimes..

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

random thought #14

ive got more jolie sex, ive got rhythm, ive got gay night-
who could ask for anything more!

*i fell in love with a new word today...
its a noun, and it generally refers to the substance thats used as filler in your teeth, or some sort of metal concoction. and other times it means, a combination or blend of diverse things.
i.e. she was an amalgam of whimsy, love, creativity, and above all else dreams.
yes please. arent we all an amalgam of something or other..

*we all know the perfection that is the lesbian cult classic, GIA. the name now synonymous with the movie. i know personally if i were to ever meet a gia in real life, it would be hard not to let my thoughts drift to THAT gorgeous sex scene in the movie.
well ladies-
that sex scene is about to get more graphic. oh, you are SO welcome for this fabulous little tidbit i found. apparently, studio execs are releasing a more "uncut, uncensored version of the film, which is based on a real life story"..and it will be in HD. a glorious day indeed.

*take a listen, im a fan. here is innerpartysystem.
i initially loved their lyrics, then read about the band and stumbled across this quote. when asked to explain the origins of their name, the band responded with,
'in george orwell's '1984' social classes were defined as the inner party, outer party, and the working class. it sounds really 'holier than thou' when you say it, we're really not this full of ourselves, but we liked the idea of creating this full, multimedia, over-stimulating, elitist environment that we were trying to invite everyone into. it's the ironic elitist class'
and then i fell in love.
i posted this vid b/c all others enabled embedding..douche bags.

*dear sam sparro,
when i see you- and study your style, its the equivalent of me taking my drawers and just dumping them into a bucket. your essence is admirable, and i have no problem saying that you sir make me melt.
but keep your wiener wand to yourself.
warmest regards,
i know that i love all hyper creative artists; i love people who wake up in the morning and have an unquenchable thirst to create something new; i also love hipsters- every time i see a good one, i wanna just put them in a jar, and keep them like a lightning bug. admittedly thats weird..but its something i enjoy.
i digress- this song came out last year i do believe, but its still sick..and im not entirely sure how i feel about people calling it 'wonky pop' but i am a fan of alphabeats too- so i suppose im cool with it.

*im not obsessed with this fella, but he seems like such a cute lil twink- and i cant deny im a fan of his remake of the polices, 'every breath you take'..its completely different from the original, well- about as different as a remake can be.

*and finally, if you dont have plans this saturday, you should come and play!! its that time of year again, the gay night at kings dominion (in va). last year i had a great time, and picked up a 16 year old. now this year, im going to try and be a bit less 'to catch a predator' and a bit more 'throw bows so my ass can ride all the roller coasters about 80 times in a row'.
its $34 at the door (which open at 8pm, rides keep rolling until about 11pm; from 11p-1a is an 'dance party') but you can pay $30 in advance via the brother, help thyself website.
i also feel its important to stress that the gays get wasted, ridiculously so, at this event. last year i witnessed a man exposing his genitals to the Eiffel tower statue, whilst yelling 'american fries!!'..its clear that its a good time.

being lesbifriends

to be lesbifriends, or not to be
that is the question

i know that i try to paint an idyllic picture of being 'lesbifriends', if for no other reason than simply- i really do believe that everyone can put aside their bullshit and be nice to each other.
im not saying you are ever going to love the girl who your ex cheated on you with- but is it so hard for us to act like adults and put it on a shelf?
clearly thats rhetorical, b/c if you asked a group of lesbians how they sincerely feel about another girl who has wronged them in a major way, im pretty sure you would hear a lot of words and 'friend' would not be one of them.
im no saint, there are a handful of people who simply rub me the wrong way but in spite of that, i still treat them as i would like to be treated. i might not be crafting them new clothes, or making them mixed CDs, but i will be polite.
is there realistically any good reason for us to hold these deep seeded grudges? some argue that certain wrongs done to a person are not jesus or religious in the slightest, so i suppose me saying 'forgive everyone, smile, and move on' is a bit melodramatic. but sometimes, we can just put shit aside and have a good time. and as far as 'unforgivable' goes- pfft, it has nothing to do with that really- the question is less, 'do you want to forgive this person' and more of, 'do you want to let go of this weight you are carrying'.

with that said, as of late ive began to revise my tune a bit. it would be nice if we all woke up every morning and loved each other so much that we just had a big old bowl of lucky charms out of each others would also be nice if unicorns and dinosaurs were real, so that i could live out my fantasy kickball team.
but alas,there are exceptions to being lesbifriends- and much as it crushes my idealistic notion of the world, i am steadfast in my new beliefs.

the exceptions to 'lesbifriends'
  • the 'only in moderation' friend- while she may be just the sweetest thing around (or she may be a wet rag) the 'moderation' friend is the girl you can only handle in small doses. this would not the ideal gal to bring to a week long beach trip, or have accompany you on a long spa weekend (unless of course she was gagged, or rendered unable to speak). shes got opinions, and you are going to hear about all of them. she also has problems (not unlike everyone) and she wants to talk to everyone about them ad nauseam (no matter if you are a close friend, or a new stranger). and getting her drunk? baha- shes a riot for sure, but watch out- these girls generally get violent, or sob their face off while wasted. if you dont know of this girl...there is a high chance she is you. jus sayin-
  • the 'only when single' friend- i have many friends who i really care a lot for deeply. i think they are tremendous individuals, brilliant minds, and are just good people. so why cant we be lesbifriends all the time?? simple- some girls can only be your friend when they are single. maybe they have a bit of a wild streak in them that their girlfriends find a bit suspect, and thus they dont trust their new partner. maybe your friend and you have a bit of a flirtatious relationship that the new girlfriend does not like. or maybe (as the case very often is) new girlfriend is not a fan of you and her girl being friends. agh this idea to me is bullshit. if you dont have trust in your relationship then perhaps you should reconsider being in one. i have numerous friends who i cannot speak with now, but were they single again- we would be bouncing off the walls being gay ol' friends.
  • the 'drama starter' friend- i find it odd that in every social dynamic ive witnessed with lesbians there is always that one girl who seems to have her hand in every pot. where she in a novel, her character would be omniscient for sure. she knows a lot of shit on everyone it seems, she also knows how to park herself in drama- then throw on the brake, and just sit there for a long while. smart people just stay on her good side, but if you wrong her you are fair game. you dont want to mess with a beast like her, unless you are prepared for the scrappiest, throw down, rip off your bra, pull outta bitches weave kinda fight.
  • the 'predator' friend- ive been hearing a lot about vultures lately. initially, like most, i assumed the creatures who come to feed on the dead and are adorable (i understand that most wont agree with that sentiment and thats fine...but every ones gotta be adorable to someone) but what my friends were referring to as a 'vulture' were those girls who love to swoop in and eat off of someone elses plate. it seems that their intention isnt to steal one party from the other, but more or less they just like fucking with your shit. sure- everything starts out great; you and your relationship and now you have a new friend. but then the friend says a few things that are a bit more flirtatious than a friend should be. then WAM you sleep with her and then she rolls out, claiming the 'drama is just too much' for her. ive been seeing this happen with a few friends lately...and ladies, be careful with your hearts. they are precious and deserve love, and love only. (fucking RIGHT, i should write for hallmark.)
  • the 'my life sucks' friend- let me preface this definition with saying, mental illnesses are no joke. i would never think it was right to not be someones friend due to depression, bipolar disorder, or anxiety- im no hypocrite; please be clear, that my issue resides elsewhere. where might that be? agh- it lies directly in the hands of that whiny chick we all know. the one whos always having some sort of breakdown, the one who almost seems to relish the fact that they are having conflict in their lives. i personally used to be drawn to these people- i want to help, i want to make them see the world i see when im happy. i could be 100% off in your case, but in my life ive found these people dont want help- just attention and thus are preying on those who want to lend a hand. babygirl, you do what makes you happy- but please dont fuck with me in order to do so.
  • the 'yo, is your sister single' friend- admittedly, this may just be a 'me' thing, but so fucking what, its my blog. hahaa so, this friend wants to do my sister. please note that when i say 'friend' i actually mean 'all of my friends'. i know its true- and im happy to admit, my sister is a drop dead, jaw on the floor, 10. she has this killer shape, shes a thin as me- but with funbags, agh and i would kill for her hips. shes incredibly rad too- loves motorcycles, is a cheap date with drinks (our family has shit for tolerance apparently), loves vampires and dark mystical things. she knows cars, she used to be a tattoo artist as well as a piercer, and did i mention- she has some of the sickest ink around.
    i think its pretty clear, i know my sister is a dime- i love her with all my heart, so i could understand how someone could feel the same way. and by that i mean her boyfriend of 7+ years. i know women can be nastier than the dirtiest frat boys when it comes to degrading women, but some girls talk about 'what they wanna do with my sister' presents an interesting situation for me. do i (a) say, 'shut the fuck up thats my sister' and then come across as the jealous younger sister who hates the fact that everyone wants to bang her sisters snatchbox or (b) sit there and take it; but appear even keeled about the situation.
    just as its uncouth and in poor taste to tell a brother how you wanna stick it in his sisters brown hole, its uncomfortable for you to tell me you want to nuzzle your face in my sisters pusspuss. shes my sister, and i will protect her to my grave so i always choose a, but the friend in question will never stop on their relentless journey to bring on the awkward and talk about 3somes with my sister. (i dont care how hot you think it might be..that shits nastytown.)
i hope these new revisions are helpful to you; but still remember, we are all on the same team- theres no reason that we cant just swallow our shit and be pleasant, or better yet-
just be lesbifriends

Friday, September 4, 2009

labor day is labor gay

happy labor day
happy labor gay

for all intensive purposes, i should be filled to the brim with happiness as of late.

i look at my life outwardly and think, you are on the right track ol' girl- keep it up, things are going well for you. what in the world could possibly hold you back? you are a good person, with a good heart- and will go far in life.

and yet inwardly im crippled at times with thoughts of, who the hell do you think you are- setting the bar so high?? you and icarus are one in the same- your fall is imminent. you are a terrible person, and you bring down those around you.

forgive me for being so sullen- im in a funk today...but on a brighter note its a 3day weekend for most people. time to celebrate another 'holiday', and by that i mean everyone negate the actual reason for celebration/remembrance and just be thrilled you have a day off of work and sad summers over.
i shit you not, i work in a 24 hour news saturated environment and STILL i asked a woman today, 'do you know why we even celebrate labor day?' (not being a smart-ass, i legit didnt know 100%) and she said, 'i dont ask questions when im given a day off of work hunny- neither should you'
u smug lil snothead. first off- maybe its just how i was raised, but i was told to question everything, how else are you supposed to learn anything? and two, this lil lady doesnt get holidays off.
well actually, im sure i COULD have off, but i never ask off for holidays that i dont care about (read: most of them) every year i only ask off for halloween and new years. (my logic being, i dont mind working on christmas and thanksgiving every year for the past 4 years as id rather let the people with kids take off those days. but you better leave me halloween and new years- thats all im askin)

perhaps my less-than-chipper attitude has something to do with my views, but after i actually read about labor day, i learned its just a pinch fucked up...

the holiday originated in canada out of labor disputes (nine-hour
movement) first in hamilton, then in toronto, tanada in the 1870s, which
resulted in a trade union act which legalized and protected union activity in
1872 in canada. the parades held in support of the nine-hour movement and the
printers' strike led to an annual celebration in canada. in 1882, american labor
leader peter j mcguire witnessed one of these labor festivals in toronto.
inspired from canadian events in toronto, he returned the usa, to new york and
organized the first american "labor day" on september 5 of the same year.

**sounds innocent enough, right? pfft, this is america baby- keep on reading..**

the first labor day in the united states was celebrated on september 5, 1882 in new
york city. in the aftermath of the deaths of a number of workers
at the hands
of the US military and US marshals
during the 1894 pullman strike
, president
grover cleveland put reconciliation with labor as a top political priority.
fearing further conflict, legislation making labor day a national holiday was
rushed through congress unanimously and signed into law a mere six days after
the end of the strike. cleveland was also concerned that aligning a US labor
holiday with existing international may day celebrations would stir up negative
emotions linked to the haymarket affair. all 50 U.S. states have made labor
day a state holiday.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

random thought #13

you know what bothers me more than i should allow it to?

everyone just lets the music play, admiring the
lil stack.

know what id do if that awful song came on and i spotted that googly eyed fella?
fuck the money i could be saving with
put that money in my hand, little man.



let me just say- mother fuck being fertile.

also, to anyone that i may have offended as of late:
please excuse me. admittedly, this past week ive been a bit of a nasty, reclusive, 'tude-filled teen.
i'd like to blame the hormones soley, but ill be honest- people have just been annoying me lately and ive been immature about how ive allowed myself to respond.
if ive been curt, abrupt, short, disrespectful, or anything less than polite-
i send my sincerest apologies.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

the real l word in lala land

real world: lesbians
means drunk lesbot sex
so, as any good lesbian knows, today it was announced by showtime that they will be launching a new reality show on lesbians, the real l word: los angeles.
while i am excited, i cant exactly call this idea 'original' as i know my friends and i have been talking about a lesbian 'real world' for a while, and in turn im certain countless other lesbian circles have been chattering about it as well.

if you are from the DC area you are WELL AWARE that mtv is down in dupont filming for real world: dc.
if you are a lesbian from the DC area the thought has more than likely crossed your mind, man, if they can film the real world here, imagine how much of a mess that would be if they filmed a real world: LESBIANS...hello ratings GOLD.
we all know all too well the drama that can happen in the lesbian world.
now, i try desperately to avoid ALL drama, but shit happens. its life- i think of all of the tragic stories ive witnessed/been a part of/heard of this year alone and i know that a show on lesbians will be nothing short of train wreck tv.

but im torn.
part of me cant wait to see this, but the bigger part of me worries about the effect on how the masses view lesbians.
you and i both know that women can get out of control quickly, and the main purpose of these reality shows is to put people who are on an emotional precipice into a house with vibrant colors, a shit ton of alcohol, no support for their raging internal issues, and then see what happens.
the real world has been around long enough for everyone to know that its, drama, drama, drama, sex, fist fight, kicked out of the house, drama, drama, followed by the reunion episode!
so whats wrong lil ashbash?
whats got ur panties in a wad?
my friends, think about your friends lesbian drama. is that really what we want the world to see as an accurate portrayal of who lesbians are? now yes, there is something to be said for the fact that lesbians are now being more accepted and a bit more mainstream. and yes, a show that is intended to show lesbians in their natural habitat will have a bit of good and bad- but comon.
lets be real- i know a chick who has a restraining order put on her by her ex girlfriend; i also know a girl who had sex with her girlfriends best friend in her bed and on her couch b/c 'she never really liked her anyways' WHILE THEY WERE DATING.
i know that shit like this goes down across the board- hetero or otherwise, but i just worry that we will be unfairly pigeonholed.
agh- maybe im just getting ahead of myself. im sure they will find even keeled ladies, who are emotional stable, are highly educated and have well paying jobs...right- i mean we both are aware that a show like that wouldnt score ratings.

but- in the meantime, i will cross my fingers for a successful and sexy season of real la lesbots!
and if it does turn into a train wreck ill only watch if i am promised a crazy hot chick like jenny...even tho deep down ill always be in love with alice.